Another MIL thread...

[bluedinopyjamas]

A few days ago pfb turned one! It was amazing but I'm still somewhat irked at MIL and trying to work out if iabu. I baked pfb a cake, MIL had too, only said nothing before the morning of pfbs birthday then came out with "in my family granny bakes the cake and I thought I'd continue that lovely tradition!" I said no, I'm pfbs mother I wanted to and have baked a cake and that's what we did in my family. She then sulked all day! And left early after barely interacting with pfb
As not to drip feed were overseas, I don't speak the language fluently, but get by, and there are previous incidents of thoughtlessness (I perceive alsoe)
I'm also very quiet and unassertive and now questioning myself. Wibu?

Hmm, personally this is how I read it was that the reason MIL said nothing was because she assumed OP wouldn't have a cake since in her 'family granny bakes the cake'. I find this rude and presumptious, that OP would just go along with this tradition, even if she had of assumed that her son told OP about this it would have been polite to make sure she knew or even better ask if this is defiantly what she wanted.

So she turns up with another cake, OP gets annoyed and refuses and then MIL sulks? Sure it might be because OP was 'rude' but it could easily be she was told no. I don't think OP is being unreasonable, the line 'PFB' stand outs because that's what the baby is so in my opinion OP's reaction is normal, of course she's going to want to do this first.

"in my family granny bakes the cake and I thought I'd continue that lovely tradition!"

This sentence says it all.

It is 'the' cake, not a cake. Not one of two cakes. The birthday cake that has the candles in no doubt.

'I thought I'd' not shall we, perhaps it would be nice to or is it OK if?

She made the decision and turned up with it knowing full well there would already be one there.

If this carried on with no further discussion, what happens when he's five and he wants to choose his cake but is expected to just accept whatever Granny happens to turn up with on the day?

Communication is the key to good family relationships. The MIL needs to start communicating and then she might find that the OP welcomes her continuation of family traditions.

Different families do have different traditions, especially mixed culture families. Tread carefully, I am in your position, except the other way around, we live in the UK and I am the non-British person. You will have to accommodate a lot of traditions, yours and theirs. In the end, if you are successful, your family will have lots of very unique ways of celebrating the big days of the year, it really is worth it, just have two cakes.

OP - what was the cake like - fully iced first birthday blah... or a plain sponge??

Smile, nod, ignore. Two cakes are not a battle worth fighting.

YANBU. The birthday cake is very important to me and I would hate someone else to make it. I reluctantly let dh alternate years with me. I wouldn't mind if someone else arranged the party though! I think turning up on the day with a cake, not having checked in advance, is an attempt at taking the limelight on dc's birthday, which is not on.

Other people who might buy a cake anyway might not be as bothered as I would be but mil should have checked with the child's parents.

YANBU - she should have asked first. many parents make this own child a birthday cake. When politely corrected- she should have understood that you have your own traditions and not sulked.

I go to great lengths to make my kids a special cake for their b-days - it's our tradition. nothing PFB about it....fine to have little things that are important to you and to be upfront(and well mannered) about it.

I said pfb not ds as I felt nervous posting and didn't want to be identfiable... Silly I know!
IIdon't feel it's about the cake. She was so incredibly nice before ds was born and now she tries to snatch him from my arms, walks away from me mid sentence and is always trying to undermine the ways we (dh and i) raise ds (doesn't like breastfeeding, or current medical advice that differs from her child rearing)
I confronted her as I felt she had only thought (again) of herself and what she wants to do and I had had enough of her trying to strong arm me

When ds was tiny she was pressuring me to take a weekend break with dh and ds (ebf) could stay with her, and she practically forced me to try ff. I also have pnd (finally getting treatment) that I acknowledge may affect my judgement

Definitely more to it than just a cake then!

OP, I think your reaction was spot on right, given the context you've provided.

i think it's interesting she waited until the morning of the birthday to turn up with sad Granny's cake - obviously as she'd not said anything, you'd have already sorted out a cake, she knew that if you didn't serve the cake you'd either bought or made, it would be a waste of your money or time or both.

If she wanted to save you a job, then she would have said so before hand. But she would then be running the risk of you saying "oh thank you, but actually, I want to make DS's cake." and her not get her own way, she was banking on you feeling you had to serve hers.

If she was happy to do 2 cakes, she would have not got miffed you did "happy birthday" with your cake and then served hers. She wanted to back you into a corner, you didn't let her.

You handled it rather well - if she was trying to be nice, she'd have told you before hand. Who waits until the day of their DC's birthday to sort out the cake? She knew you must have had a cake.

The inevitable drip feed. Why couldn't you explain she has a history of controlling a situation in your opening post? Because, even if she did come over a tad invasive, it was still just about cake originally. Now she's the mil from hell, apparently.

Why couldn't you explain she has a history of controlling a situation in your opening post?

Probably because she wanted feedback on whether she WBU about the cake situation in isolation.

In her place, I would worry that MIL's history could have coloured my behaviour and made me unreasonable and I would ask for feedback about that one incident in isolation to find out if I had been.

Agree with Goldmandra - even without a history of controlling behaviour, this was unreasonable. If she's normally lovely, then perhaps you might have let her get away with being unreasonable, but that wouldn't make her behaviour in this situation any less unreasonable.

As she has history of being unreasonable, then not giving an inch is clearly the right way to handle it, whereas if she was normally lovely, then it might be more tempting to let it go - but either way, turning up on the day of the birthday with a cake having not mentioned before hand, knowing that the parents must have already made a cake is unreasonable, and even if you are lovely the bulk of the time, you can't assume other people will let you get away with being unreasonable, even if it's just the once.

I think you said exactly the right thing, well done! Build on that because you are almost certainly going to have to do it often.

Where does your dh stand in all this? He's going to have to support you and talk to her himself. If he's just standing outside it and not getting involved, then you've got a serious problem.

I don't think you were rude, why should the mother always back down so that the child has a good relationship with granny? Why can't grandma be more considerate of the mother? How would she have been with "Great, more cake. We'll eat yours later/tomorrow after we've blown out the candles on the one that I made?". Would she have sulked because she wanted hers to be The Cake?

My view is that I have to deal with all the shitty bits of parenting: nappies, sore nipples, tantrums, discipline etc, I want some of the nice bits too. For me that includes making the birthday cake. I'd be annoyed if someone else turned up with one in a blatant bid to grab some glory.

YANBU. Some people may not care about doing a cake for their child. Good for them. Many of us do care and like to start a tradition with it. I make a point of doing my DCs cakes every year even though I have a health condition and it makes me ache and gives me pain. But I enjoy it and it is my thing. I would not appreciate someone turning up with a cake they had made and announcing that it was tradition and you are just expected to put up with it.

You did the right thing and hopefully she will get the message that she can't steamroller over you to get her way. She was sulking because you didn't bow down to her selfish wants.

Wuthering ... well said!

Since it now turns out to be about more than a cake (where you can easily have 2 cakes) you need a combined effort with DH to stand up to her.
Have a consistent response. I wouldn't get into a discussion about it, or justify anything. Merely state facts, in a bored, neutral tone. As in 'we have decided to.......... It suits us at the moment ' and repeat the same if necessary. If you feel the need to alter it just go with 'really' in the same tone.
The cake is easy, you just say 'how kind, Iwill go and slice it up' and do it there and then. Use yours as the cake with candles. If challenged look surprised and repeat it was very kind but you had already done one.if she goes on about the tradition just say you know and you are using it.
You are prewarned what she is like so be ready to counter it in a rather baffled calm way- I can't see any need to get confrontational.

If she sulks pretend not to notice- people don't sulk unless it is to make a point and it is all rather lost if people don't notice.

Thanks for the extra info OP

Goldmandra

There's absolutely no point giving feedback on an isolated event if it's in the context of a bigger pattern of behaviour.

You just end up looking like a tit if you do that

YANBU, in fact I think you handled it perfectly. The fact she said, "in MY family" speaks volumes. He is your son before he is her grandson and you are not all secondary characters in the story of her life, you are your own family unit! If "on DH's side of the family" this cake thing is a tradition, the non passive aggressive way of approaching it would have been to check with you first, instead of arriving and shoving it down your necks on the day. Well done for sticking up for yourself.

Tell her she can continue that tradition with her own son and you'll continue yours with your own son...then you only have to make one sodding cake a year.

Hate making them, love eating them...