To think this is rude at a concert

[TheRobbingBastards]

We went to DS's Summer concert last night. This is a big event for the music department and the children who perform.

My judgey pants were pulled well up at the couple who arrived with two younger DS's (about 7is) in tow, plonked themselves in the front row then fished an iPad in a luminous green case out of a bag. The two boys then spent the whole concert playing a game that involved much waving of arms. All the time they were sat in front of the stage, in direct eyeline of the children performing

In fairness they had the sound down, both boys stayed in their seats all the way through the concert and apart from the occasional muffled gasp or cheer they were quiet. I also realise that expecting DC to behave themselves through an event like that is easier said than done, and don't necessarily judge the parents for using an iPad to keep them entertained. It's more the inconsideration of allowing them to distract the performers as well as the audience several rows behind them.

So AIBU and curmudgeonly or was this unnecessarily rude and thoughtless?

Exactly, Toad.
That's the crux of your situaion.
the clash between your sensory issues with ASD which mean you cannot tolerate the noise and the child with ASD who cannot help making the noise.
It's sad that you are feeling you always have to be the one to compromise and leave the situation. I wish there was some way you could feel more included and that people would extend a little of the consideration to you that you extend to them.

I don't think this should be down to SN but instead down to whether a child is watching the performance or not. I would have no problem whatsoever with a child who has SN sat at the front making noises or flapping or waving IF they were actually watching the event.

However, if a child was behaving in a distracting manner (SN or not) and was not watching the event then it would be considerate to sit at the side. A child sat on an iPad isn't 'included' in the actual event anyway so it probably wouldn't make a difference to that child where they were sat.

I'm not really sure if this is still relevant but thought I'd give my opinion anyway. It was mentioned up thread (and I can't remember the exact wording) that they didn't like it how so many people jumped to the whole SN thing on here in threads such as this but tbh I don't agree.

That's actually one of the things I like about MN. I like how these things are considered and that there might be more to it sometimes.

Like I said, there was a thread a while ago where I recognised myself as the subject of a thread. The OP was basically calling me a bitch and rude cow, etc because I left a noisy place at the same time her daughter who had autism was making a noise. Nearly every person who replied told the OP that it was an extreme reaction therefore I likely had ASD or other SN myself. There was only one or two posters who joined in with calling me names.

That made me happy because I was then able to post myself and explain that it was actually me and yes, everyone was right, I had ASD. If everyone had just jumped in and joined in the name calling I wouldn't have been able to do that.

So yes I like the fact that everyone here is open to other possibilities.

And YY to people being more understanding of children with SN. When I was a child, other children made fun of the fact I flapped or clapped my hands but most of the time an adult would deal with them and tell them off.

As I got older though I could never picture that happening. I kind of think that if the same adults saw me stim now they might think "wtf". I've learned not to clap or flap in public so I only do it in private now. At least I hope I do...I know when I was a child I would often clap my hands repeatedly without realising I was doing it and I'd only know I was doing it when someone pointed it out. So maybe I still do it in public, I just don't realise . That's actually a horrible thought.

Mind you I tend to think it's a school play, not the royal opera house, so I can't get too worked up about it.

That's such a nasty attitude. To the DCs on the stage who have worked really hard it is the royal opera house. It matters a lot to them. They deserve respect not sarcasm.

But they're only kids and it's only a school play so why should their feelings matter, eh?

I think it is relevant, not least because it matters to you. Great that mumsnetters were able in the main to see beyond the immediate situation. But sad that the parent was so quick to judge you and never even consider there might have been a very good reason for your having to get out of the situation. It's ironic really.
But rotten that even a few were nasty to you.

I'd like to jump in, having come late to the thread, and say I've found it illuminating.

Uncomfortable and unpleasant at times, and certainly unexpected (in the sense that it didn't go where I thought it would based on the OP), but ultimately, illuminating.

So thank you all for that.

I'm left with a few questions, particularly for those who have children with SN, but in truth I'm afraid to ask because even though this thread has further opened my eyes to people's points of view, I'm extremely wary of inadvertently offending (and also don't wish to be attacked/reported/accused of being a goady fucker).

Which I imagine, and hope, wasn't the intention of anyone who contributed.

Interesting.

I am a parent of a child with Aspergers. If you ask a question Clear I'd be happy to answer if I can. I'm all for a bit of illuminating!

I'm really not understanding this thread at all. A couple of posters who outlined reasons why children on stage may have issues that needed taking into account along with the issues of children with SN (extreme lack of confidence in one post, and a recently bereaved child in another) have been deleted for being disablist?

Sockpuppets

A couple of posters who outlined reasons why children on stage may have issues that needed taking into account along with the issues of children with SN (extreme lack of confidence in one post, and a recently bereaved child in another) have been deleted for being disablist?

Were those the posts that were deleted?

I don't think there's anything wrong with making people aware that there are people who have various needs and those needs might clash. That's what I've been talking about on this thread.

Sockpuppets

Who?

Apparently. Which is lovely

Who are you talking about?

Why should children with SN have to get everything they want and behave how they want all the time?

This thread has confirmed my uncomfortable feelings. There are very strong advocates for compromises being made for children who have SEN/SN, which is great. However, if the needs of an adult who have SEN/SN are being brought up, it doesn't seem to stir up much passion or discussion. Adults on the severer ends of the disability spectrum are always forgotten about.

Frankly, i don't care if the children in this case had special needs or not. That is not an excuse for bad behaviour and when the 'poor little dear' becomes an adult, as has been shown already on this board, the tolerance vanishes into the wind. Why should children with SN have to get everything they want and behave how they want all the time?

You win, your post is the most intolerant, ignorant crap I have ever read on MN and I've been here many years.

Tell me honestly how you think the parents of children with special needs will feel after reading that. I'll tell you how I feel. I feel tearful, frustrated and utterly defeated. Well done.

My child never gets what she wants. She wants empathy and understanding and maybe even a friend. She wants a school where she doesn't feel sidelined and seen as some kind of freak. She wants to not be on anti depressants and anti psychotics just to get her through the day.

I want her NOT TO BE FUCKING SUICIDAL because of idiots like you.

Children period should not get everything they want all the time and yet from the way some people talk, that seems to be the general consensus. They are no more and no less entitled than anyone else on the planet. It is not a dig at anyone with special needs.

Redhead what a nasty unpleasant post that was.

I think Fanjo has shown pretty amazing restraint and fortitude on this thread, particularly from mean personal attacks, and I'm including your post in this.

And, one again, for the people who are being obtuse...

SN may be a reason for certain behaviour, not an excuse

There's a difference, you see?...

thornrose I'm taking you at your word about illuminating but I will post my (extraordinarily lengthy) questions in the SN topic.

I hope it isn't seen as a TAAT, but if it's deleted, so be it.

However, if the needs of an adult who have SEN/SN are being brought up, it doesn't seem to stir up much passion or discussion. Adults on the severer ends of the disability spectrum are always forgotten about.

Well yes, but I don't think it's just those on the severe end that are forgotten about. I think it's all of us that are forgotten about.