To want our baby DS to have his own room like DSD has had...

[RL20]

To cut a long story short, we've been together for 5 and a half years. OH has a 6year old DD from previous short relationship. Quick background she split with him whist still pregnant, they didn't get on for a good few years but always fought to see DD, despite not being on the birth certificate. He applied to pay CSA himself as she always said she never wanted anything from him. He/we have his DD every fortnight for 2 nights, but 9 times out of 10, she stays at OH's mums for one of the nights (his DD and mum are quite close as she had a lot to do with her as a baby as only she was allowed to collect her etc, long story!). So in theory we have her 3 or 4 nights per month as an estimate. We live in a 2 bed rented flat, one room of which has been decorated to DD's taste. However she only started using her bedroom in the last year as before then she stayed in our room as she didn't like being on her own. So it's mainly been used as storage for her toys!
So, we now have a 2 month old DS together and want to move I to a house. I feel very strongly that I want DS to have his own bedroom, as his DD has for the past 4 years, and obviously 6 years at her own house. Why should my DS be any different? OH thinks they should share and it be neutral. He's a boy and as he grows up in a couple of years he's going to no doubt want his own mark on the room! I feel annoyed that he wants a big bed and a big cot bed in one room, when the bed is only going to be used a couple of times a month. I suggested a fold out sofa bed thing for when she stays, and obviously all of her toys in her toy box, and clothes in a drawer. It fell on deaf ears. We really can't afford a 3 bed house and don't think it's justifiable seeing as the bedroom will rarely be used! Am I being unreasonable?!?!

Sorry not pregnant but you get my drift! New baby!

Quite clearly some people see the elder child as a visitor and not the eldest child of the family.

Loft bed (IKEA do a good one) with cot underneath, preferably the sort that turns into a toddler bed so it'll last you a few years, & neutral decoration.

During the times when dsd isn't there, all her toys can be stored tidily on the loft bed in boxes so ds can't mess with them AND he has more space? That way she has a proper, permanent bed, but not one that has a footprint which is unused space much of the month. Just present it to her matter-of-factly as she'll be sharing a room with her db, & here's a cool new bed - at 6 she'll probably love being up high!

That should do you until ds is 4, say, & dsd approaching secondary school age, by which point you'll be needing a re-think anyway.

Sounds an excellent idea, ravenAK. Lots of people have that problem and they find ways like raven's to solve it- they don't favour one child.

Bunk beds would be fine, she has the top, the wall there can have her special posters etc. She has a drawer in the chest, and a space on the bookshelf. Her soft toys can live on her bed, just like any siblings except easier because she will have less stuff permanently in the house. In the meantime, if there was no room for a cot as well, the baby can sleep in with you but have all his other things in the bedroom, which is decorated in a more neutral way, but with animal curtains for example. It is easy peasy. When she's not there you could even sneakily use her bed for storage.

Perhaps worth imagining yourself in your dsd shoes? Would you feel welcomed and part of the family?
I'd also not get yourself in an unmanageable financial situation by buying/ renting a three bed property.
We have toys downstairs at our house, means doesn't matter so much about bedroom size.

Yanbu to want ds to have his own room if dsd only stays for a few nights a month and already has her own room at her mums house. You, dh and ds will be there all the time and it's only fair for ds to feel comfortable in his own space.

That said, not sure how she will feel when she gets older and wants her own space though. Is the move temporary?

IME after a few years being part of a step family, I've found it's all about compromise. Of course dsd's mum will stand up for your dsd's interests first. You're in the difficult position of having to justify yourself every time you want to even think about putting your ds's interests first. Of course DSD's are important and she needs to be accommodated, but not at the expense of everyone else.

For those people who are saying that yabu ... if she was your dd and only stayed a few nights a month, would you expect your resident child to spend their whole time in a room that's only partly theirs while their sibling has their own room elsewhere?

Yes, of course I would expect it. That is the whole point- her OH is the one who won't countenance his elder child being eased out to visitor while his younger child gets his own room.
It doesn't really matter what we think - the father won't hear of it and we'll done him. There is no way that I would let a partner favour my younger child over my elder one - it wouldn't happen however many people on MN think she isn't an equal part of the family.
OP wants the decorated room- DS isn't bothered in the slightest!

Sorry well done not we'll done.
I hope that he sticks his ground - what happens in her other home is irrelevant.

You could be a single mum with your own house in 12 months, don't worry about things until you need to. Sounds like you have bigger problems to be fair

Basically OP has got replies on both sides - rather more think she is unreasonable.
Since it is her OH who wants his children treated equally it doesn't really matter what we think. In his position I would be immovable.
I can't see that it a problem until they become too old to want to share a room, by which time they will probably have moved. Lots of people have given perfectly reasonable solutions.

Nothing wrong with camp beds or sofa beds. They certainly make sense if they are being used as little as would be the case here. You don't need to create a shrine for the four fifths of the time. How the family is welcoming and bond is the important thing. You could have a gorgeous bedding set. All set up when dsd arrives.

I had a camp bed in a flat when I was much younger. I was working and slept in my camp bed every night.

NRTFT only first page of responses.
I cannot believe people are suggesting a child sleeps on a pull out bed in the living room. This is your child's sister. And it will be a LONG time before your DS 'wants to make his mark' on his own room - kids literally don't give a shit.

And what does being girl and boy have to do with it? Are you scared that if it's a pink wall his willy will fall off? You sound mean and I only hope you don't split up with your OH and his new gf treats you with such vitriol. Have some respect

The op said the sofa bed/pull out will still be in the bedroom. When dressed, the dsd will not notice any difference.

When the bed is dressed, not the dsd being dressed!

I think it's really important that your ds's feels at home when she visits. She may already be feeling a little unsettled by the imminent arrival (most dc do to an extent) and however many nights she spends with you, it is 100% of her time with Dad.

Lots of siblings share. My dcs do - we have 1 more child than bedrooms available - so there is no option really! It's totally fine and ime young children usually love sharing.

The loft bed with cot bed underneath is a great idea. I'm sure you can come up with a lovely neutral theme that will suit them both. Perhaps try and include your dsd in choosing it?