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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want our baby DS to have his own room like DSD has had...

216 replies

RL20 · 17/06/2015 20:45

To cut a long story short, we've been together for 5 and a half years. OH has a 6year old DD from previous short relationship. Quick background she split with him whist still pregnant, they didn't get on for a good few years but always fought to see DD, despite not being on the birth certificate. He applied to pay CSA himself as she always said she never wanted anything from him. He/we have his DD every fortnight for 2 nights, but 9 times out of 10, she stays at OH's mums for one of the nights (his DD and mum are quite close as she had a lot to do with her as a baby as only she was allowed to collect her etc, long story!). So in theory we have her 3 or 4 nights per month as an estimate. We live in a 2 bed rented flat, one room of which has been decorated to DD's taste. However she only started using her bedroom in the last year as before then she stayed in our room as she didn't like being on her own. So it's mainly been used as storage for her toys!
So, we now have a 2 month old DS together and want to move I to a house. I feel very strongly that I want DS to have his own bedroom, as his DD has for the past 4 years, and obviously 6 years at her own house. Why should my DS be any different? OH thinks they should share and it be neutral. He's a boy and as he grows up in a couple of years he's going to no doubt want his own mark on the room! I feel annoyed that he wants a big bed and a big cot bed in one room, when the bed is only going to be used a couple of times a month. I suggested a fold out sofa bed thing for when she stays, and obviously all of her toys in her toy box, and clothes in a drawer. It fell on deaf ears. We really can't afford a 3 bed house and don't think it's justifiable seeing as the bedroom will rarely be used! Am I being unreasonable?!?!

OP posts:
quietasamouse · 17/06/2015 21:06

I think it's really important for a child to feel settled and secure - will she feel that with you if you make her sleep on a put up bed?

ollieplimsoles · 17/06/2015 21:07

A baby who actually lives there permanently.

Doesn't need his own room yet, but in the future he will.

petalunicorn · 17/06/2015 21:07

She needs her own, proper bed.

PtolemysNeedle · 17/06/2015 21:08

YABVU. This isn't a competition, and you have to accept the things that come along with bringing a child into an already existing family with children. Your baby is no more important than your DSD.

If you can afford to move to a bigger house, what's stopping you?

formidable · 17/06/2015 21:09

It is somewhat surprising that new partners don't seem to notice the existing child when conceiving the next one.

It's like the poor girl just landed out of nowhere - no one has thought her presence through at all have they?

If you were my partner and you took this view id be having serious doubts about our future...

Buxhoeveden · 17/06/2015 21:11

You do know you can't create identical circumstances, don't you?

SkippyTheBushKangeroo · 17/06/2015 21:12

Yabvu - your DS won't even care what his room looks like for a couple of years.

whereismagic · 17/06/2015 21:13

You have 2 kids and the other bedroom needs to reflect that.

DocHollywood · 17/06/2015 21:14

So imagine that dsd is your own dd. What are you going to do now there is a younger brother? Put your dd on a camp bed? Of course not! They will share a room like any siblings would in this situation.

PerpendicularVincenzo · 17/06/2015 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MythicalKings · 17/06/2015 21:15

Bunk beds would make sense when you DS is older.

breadstixandhommus · 17/06/2015 21:15

OP this isn't going to go down well on MN I'm afraid, you are a step mother and are daring to suggest that your dsd should be treated as anything other than gold plated.

I don't for a second believe that you're resentful of the dsd and I get your mode of thinking as we were in a similar position 3 years ago (except my DP was quibbling over dsd having the smallest room).

Of course you want your ds to have his own room, he is a permanent resident in the home, but you cannot exexpect your dsd to sleep on what equates to a camp bed. You need to suck up that either A) He will have to share or B) You move to a 3 bed or 2 bed with separate dining room to use as a bedroom.

My dsd now has the smallest of 3 double bedroom but I would never have done what you are suggesting as it's just not fair on her.

hoobypickypicky · 17/06/2015 21:17

Floralnomad, the OP hasn't "chosen to have another child". The OP has chosen to have a child. The baby she's speaking of is her firstborn.

I understand where you're coming from RL20 and at first glance it would appear that the only easy (if not affordable) solution is to buy or rent a three bedroom home.

If you're restricted to one room for both children I'd put bunk beds up in the one room rather than a sofa bed (when the baby is old enough to leave a cot and go into a proper bed of course).

Naty1 · 17/06/2015 21:17

do you still mean sharing but with the pullout instead of bed in the room.
That doesnt seem a problem, as long as its comfy, why waste the space they can both play in

hoobypickypicky · 17/06/2015 21:18

I forgot to add that you don't sound resentful to me either, *RL20^.

kinkyfuckery · 17/06/2015 21:18

Your partner has two kids and one room for them - so they have to share [/rocketscience]

ouryve · 17/06/2015 21:19

Presumably the new baby is as much your DP's child as your DSD? Your language of "my baby" sounds a wee bit foot stampy. I can understand you wanting separate rooms, but you really have to be realistic about what you can afford in the immediate future.

Anyhow, your baby s, sostill nice and comfortable, but not in hould be in your room to start with, anyhow, then would still be in a cot for a while, after that. You could involve your DSD in choosing a new scheme for the room that is more neutral, with a corner for special things, her own choice of pictures around her bed.

Once your DS is in a single bed, rather than go for a camp bed for DSD, choose a bed with a second bed or a trundle bed underneath - still nice and firm and comfortable but unobtrusive when it's not being used.

formidable · 17/06/2015 21:20

Bus beds are an excellent use of space.

Have to admit though I can't understand why this is an issue with a 2 month old...

BrockAuLit · 17/06/2015 21:20

It sounds like you are gear up towards an argument that needn't be had right now (if ever).

Dad is going to be in your room until October. Ask DSD what she thinks (make it clear that what she says may not necessarily go, but that you value her feelings), but personally I would be anticipating that when DSD isn't there he crib is in her room (don't waste anybody's time on decor; hats all about you, 6mo has no clue), and when DSD is there you make sure she knows that she gets her room back and DS goes in with you. It's unfair to make a 6yo non-resident child out up with night wakings, it's unreasonable to get her to sleep on a sofa bed (ffs), it's okay to slowly morph towards decoration they can both enjoy in two or three years' time. I also like Mintyy's suggestion.

Your home is DSD's home, not just somewhere she lodges a few nights a month.

formidable · 17/06/2015 21:20

bunk

NoNameDame · 17/06/2015 21:20

YADNBU!!

I would look at this mathematically. Your SDD is there app. 14% of the time, your DS is there 100% of the time.

In this situation somebody will get the better and worse end of the deal, mainly that they won't have a room to their taste and your ds will have a big chunk of his room missing if there is a permanent bed there or your dd will have to sleep on a pull out bed.

I really think it's the lesser evil to have your dd put out 14% of the time rather than have your ds put out 100% of the time.

Some people will say that the dsd has come from a split family but it sounds like she's never known her parents together so might really less the impact and support sheight need from being from a split home. In some ways that's just life and not something that needs constant addressing unless it's a problem, in the same way that Dd might not have a step brother that she ever has to share her room at mums house with. Life is just life.

If people really feel it's important for the dd to constantly feel welcomed and comfortable in her dads home I would argue that the ds has the right to constantly feel welcome and comfortable in their own home, when dsd comes to stay they are both a bit put put - dsd has to stay in a room that is predominantly her half brothers and ds has to share his room sometimes. That way no-one is permanently put out.

I would put some sensible things in place, e.g if dsd hates football then it's not fair to have football newspaper but I generally think ds should be able to pick whatever blue or stripes carpet or wallpaper, Thomas the tank curtains he wants. And be encouraged to treat his sister like a full sister when she is there but not when she isn't.

After all if years down the line and she drives are you going to say that a space on the drive must be kept free for her even though she is hardly there to use it.

MrsNextDoor · 17/06/2015 21:21

My first child had her own room...then DD2 came along...now she hasn't and neither has DD2! They share.

ollieplimsoles · 17/06/2015 21:24

I agree with NoNameDame!

DSD already has her own bedroom at her mum's house, where she lives permanently. Its not fair to expect your son to not have this in his own home too as he grows up, especially when she only visits once a fortnight!

MaggieJoyBlunt · 17/06/2015 21:27

I'm not sure emotionally healthy relationships can be achieved through mathematical decision making Hmm

Lovepancakes · 17/06/2015 21:29

We're the same as mrsdoor ^^. We have a boy and girl and 4 year age gap and its made them even closer.

I think OP you should pretend it was your DS going to another house and think what would give him the most sense of belonging or being important there- ie a permanent bed and favourite poster or something says a lot and I'd choose a bunk eventually which is what worked for us as soon as DS left our room and needed a big bed too.