To want our baby DS to have his own room like DSD has had...

[RL20]

To cut a long story short, we've been together for 5 and a half years. OH has a 6year old DD from previous short relationship. Quick background she split with him whist still pregnant, they didn't get on for a good few years but always fought to see DD, despite not being on the birth certificate. He applied to pay CSA himself as she always said she never wanted anything from him. He/we have his DD every fortnight for 2 nights, but 9 times out of 10, she stays at OH's mums for one of the nights (his DD and mum are quite close as she had a lot to do with her as a baby as only she was allowed to collect her etc, long story!). So in theory we have her 3 or 4 nights per month as an estimate. We live in a 2 bed rented flat, one room of which has been decorated to DD's taste. However she only started using her bedroom in the last year as before then she stayed in our room as she didn't like being on her own. So it's mainly been used as storage for her toys!
So, we now have a 2 month old DS together and want to move I to a house. I feel very strongly that I want DS to have his own bedroom, as his DD has for the past 4 years, and obviously 6 years at her own house. Why should my DS be any different? OH thinks they should share and it be neutral. He's a boy and as he grows up in a couple of years he's going to no doubt want his own mark on the room! I feel annoyed that he wants a big bed and a big cot bed in one room, when the bed is only going to be used a couple of times a month. I suggested a fold out sofa bed thing for when she stays, and obviously all of her toys in her toy box, and clothes in a drawer. It fell on deaf ears. We really can't afford a 3 bed house and don't think it's justifiable seeing as the bedroom will rarely be used! Am I being unreasonable?!?!

Right OP so one person agrees with you on a thread of 100 posts and it's "thank the Lord someone is talking sense"?

Why bother posting?

What about this? DS has a single bed once he's big enough and when DSD comes you separate it into 2 identical single beds. Neutral colours, storage for both their things but room for DS to play when his sister isn't with you?

What about a high up bed with space for cot underneath and then toddler bed in due course?

Or keep baby in your room for longer?

They both should have equal treatment but I agree it would be practical if her bedding can be planned so it is comfortable and welcoming for her when she is there but also uses space practically as well.

Yanbu. I think you decorate it for ds and have some secure storage for dsd belongings as as he gets bigger he will be a pita if he gets hold of anything of hers!

I'd recommend a trundle bed once he's out of the cot as bunks would be dangerous for him until he's old enough to understand not to climb on them.

I have two girls, and the youngest has bunks to share with dsd when she's here. However, dsd is rarely here now and dd has a section of room out of bounds that's effectively just collecting dust. The rows over that bedroom have been unbelievable. Dsd says it's hers, dsd has a room at home plus one at her gps and my dd has only this room. Dsds mum backed up dsd saying it's dsds room and that it should be split 50% each. We've had epic rows over fucking night lights, doors open/closed at night, allegations of hiding/pinching each other's stuff...the first year was hell but if dsds mum had kept her bloody nose out it might have been sorted an awful lot sooner.

I'd make it very clear that it's your ds room but when she is there it's both their rooms. Involve her in finding lockable storage for her toys and precious items and once ds is big enough for a bed, she can help choose a trundle bed.

Usehername then that's a different scenario, not this one! I'm figuring out what's best for us all NOW not in the future. Right now we have a DS and I have a DSD who stays 2/3/4 nights a month. If she was living with us, of course they would have to share and we would deal with the lack of bedroom space. But at the moment she has a lot less things at ours than DS does, obviously. Everything we buy her she wants to take back to her mums anyway.

Sorry, just I'm looking at my sofa and thinking it's just as big as a single bed. For a few inches I wouldn't be fighting with DH or taking the risk that DSD feels pushed out.

If they're still sharing a room when she's there, I don't see what difference it makes if she's in a bunk bed or on the sofa. It will still be his room that she sleeps in sometimes.

I actually read the OP's post.

Instead of a big bed and a cot bed in the remaining bedroom as the OP's OH is suggesting, the OP wants to have the room as primarily her DS's and have a fold away bed for when DSD stays over, so DS has the room for himself (as he lives there permanently)

nothing wrong with that.

Yabu you started off well and started to get bitter and foot stompy of a 6 year old siblings share rooms even brothers and sisters his dd came first you cant be resentful of yhat you can either move or they share

Your son has a lot less because he is 8 weeks old

Aibu. .. yes

Nooo I'm not.

Yawn. Yes you are, your partners child deserves a proper bed in HER home as much as your pfb. Your partner is her dad to. They are equal no matter where they live and I bet you a million quid you'd be moaning if your pfb didn't have a decent bed to sleep in if/when the tables were turned. If you can't afford to accommodate the child that's already here along with the next child then there's issues.

Because I can't keep up with all of the posts! I actually said thank you for all of the replies, in the beginning! Everyone is replying so say that I can't keep up and reply to each individual one. And I've especially ignored the bitchy ones that seem like you're out just try and shut people down with your keyboard. I thank everyone for sensible non-judgemental answers, whether their answer has been YABU or YANBU.

OP Right now you have a 2 month old baby who needs the room a lot less than his 6 year old sister

Mrsgrinch you can stuff right off with saying there are issues with our money situation. Don't post on something if you haven't got a decent answer. Who hasn't got money woes these days? My work situation changed massively when I was pregnant to the point where we lost a total income of £600 a month as the small company of one of my part time jobs went under. Not that I should have to explain that to anyone but hence why we are in a shit money situation!

I don't get why people are being so defensive over the DSD. She has a permanent room at her mum's (where she lives full time). DS has his own room at his permanent home- but is has a fold away bed and a bit more storage for DSD.

No one pushed out or ignored, its just practical! Her dad is still her dad, no one is taking that away from her...

We were in exactly the same situation, DSS had a room at ours, came eow, same age gap between DSS and DD as yours.

Unlike you, we had planned to have a shared room (it is and has always been gender neutral anyway). He saw it as his room, when DD was old enough to move in we carefully called it "DSS and DD's room". It ended up very much hers anyway over the years and they share when he stays, but he feels happy and she is thrilled to have him in there. He's 15 now, so it can work even in the long run with nobody feeling hard done by. Bunk bed helped. YABU but probably worrying unnecessarily and years too early.

Maybe your DS will want to sleep in with you for a few years of ke his sister did?

But Ollie the op is opting to replace the oone bit of furniture that would be the dsds with a separate piece of furniture of a similar size, saying its for space reasons?

Oh ffs typos - hate using the tablet!

You do realise I'm about the forth person to mention this. I've been the step daughter, it's horrible. Shoved on a pull out bed when staying with my dad, my stuff in a box underneath my brothers bed.

Give the children the bigger bedroom and give them both their own space in it.

I'd be more worried about the fact that I'd had a child with a man who only had his dd 4 nights a month and was happy to let her stay somewhere else for half of that time! Does it not make you question what kind of man and parent he is?

lunar I was just about to say that .

It would be useful if you could at least fold a bed away into a small sofa for when shes not there, thats better for him than a full size bed hes not using!

and msgrinch I mentioned up thread that I have also been 'the stepdaughter' I slept on a camp bed and my little sister and brother took my old room at my dads. Its only a bed! You are just sleeping there. I still went out and had a great time with my dad and family. Maybe it was different with your dad.

Who gives a fuck about the wallpaper? My DS is 4 and has what I chose and what I like. He's still some way off insisting on revolting Thomas The Tank Engine wallpaper, he doesn't care.

As a 2-3 year old (girl) I apparently insisted on keeping the Thomas the Tank Engine wallpaper that was already in my new room and ended up with a matching duvet set, curtains and lampshade.

Does it not make you question what kind of man and parent he is?

Out of order. The OP has already said he has had trouble with his ex over access to his DD and has had to fight to see her. She stays at her Gma's because the ex had issues with him picking her up or something.

Lunar1 are you fucking kidding me, did you not read my OP? We had so many issues with DSD's mum for years, he fought to see her and pays his way for her off his own back as the mum always said she wanted nothing, so that she could use that against him in years to come. Would you like to come and demand her mother that we see her more? Because we've already tried that one. Short of going to court, there's not a lot else we can do and quite frankly bringing something like that into it is actually none of your business. Her mum and my OH - and me - all get along now but she feels it's come too far for her to start visiting more regularly now, as it's always been the same. That's her choice. She chose not to put him on the birth certificate too, so in the eyes of the law he has no parental rights. We are lucky to have her when we do.