To want our baby DS to have his own room like DSD has had...

[RL20]

To cut a long story short, we've been together for 5 and a half years. OH has a 6year old DD from previous short relationship. Quick background she split with him whist still pregnant, they didn't get on for a good few years but always fought to see DD, despite not being on the birth certificate. He applied to pay CSA himself as she always said she never wanted anything from him. He/we have his DD every fortnight for 2 nights, but 9 times out of 10, she stays at OH's mums for one of the nights (his DD and mum are quite close as she had a lot to do with her as a baby as only she was allowed to collect her etc, long story!). So in theory we have her 3 or 4 nights per month as an estimate. We live in a 2 bed rented flat, one room of which has been decorated to DD's taste. However she only started using her bedroom in the last year as before then she stayed in our room as she didn't like being on her own. So it's mainly been used as storage for her toys!
So, we now have a 2 month old DS together and want to move I to a house. I feel very strongly that I want DS to have his own bedroom, as his DD has for the past 4 years, and obviously 6 years at her own house. Why should my DS be any different? OH thinks they should share and it be neutral. He's a boy and as he grows up in a couple of years he's going to no doubt want his own mark on the room! I feel annoyed that he wants a big bed and a big cot bed in one room, when the bed is only going to be used a couple of times a month. I suggested a fold out sofa bed thing for when she stays, and obviously all of her toys in her toy box, and clothes in a drawer. It fell on deaf ears. We really can't afford a 3 bed house and don't think it's justifiable seeing as the bedroom will rarely be used! Am I being unreasonable?!?!

Decorate the room in a neutralish way for both children. When dsd stays she is in there, when not then ds has it at least until he sleeps through in a reliable fashion. When dds is staying have ds in with you. For the first two years or so he won't have an opinion on this.

That gives you two years to save up for the three bedder you are going to need eventually.

For such a small number of days per month I can't see why this couldn't work with a bit of thought. Neither child has to compromise ( and for dds being woken regularly in the night that is a big compromise) and with planning it wouldn't be that much work for you.

Or why don't all contact take place at mil's house? Your DH can just bugger off to her house to see dsd.

I can't believe so many people think it's unreasonable for dsd to use a sofa bed for the few nights a month she's there. The baby is going to be a little boy in a very short time and will need space of his own.

DSD already has her own room at her mother's house so she has personal space for the majority of the time.

It's time spent with dsd and what you all do in the hours you are together that's important, not the sodding bed.

Maggie

If my parent had done something I really didn't like but I could understand as it was logical I think I could get over it, I wouldn't have the sense of injustice I used to have when they made subjective decisions.

It's very hard to argue with logic and numbers

OPs baby won't be put out 100% of the time though Dame, he will grow up not knowing any different so it will be a non issue for him.

NoName
your ds will have a big chunk of his room missing

Well technically, its the DD losing her room to the new DS...

And what happens if OP wants to have another child, put all three children in the one bedroom even though one only stays a couple of nights a month?

I whole heatedly agree with the PP's that have said about sharing, though not right now.

Your baby won't know or care what his room looks like, he's far too young and the recommended advice is to keep them in a crib in your bedroom for the first 6 months. This seems the wisest as that way by the 6 month mark hopefully your DS will be sleeping through the night and DSD/DS can share.

Why must they share you may ask because your DH has two children and by marriage you have a stepchild. Your DS maybe your first born but he is not your DH's so this needs to be remedied how any sibling situation would be in a small house, they share a room. My two eldest shared a room and happily decorated with me when they were old enough to actually know about decorations and all that, it was a lovely experince for us and might be for you if you try it.

You're going on about how unfair this is to your child but to put your DH's child on a fold out bed like she means nothing is unfair as well and plain cruel. You decided to have a child with a man that already had children, It doesn't matter how little she stays or that your DS will obviously be there 100% of the time, that doesn't stop her being 100% your husband's daughter. If DSD was your actual daughter would you have her on a sofa bed?

I think sharing a room will be totally fine to he honest, in effect he practically has his own room if she is only there a few times a month. I can't see a big problem either in decorating it to suit both.

In an ideal world everyone might have their own room but I know lots of people with a boy/girl sharing.

When they get older and maybe it won't work so well you could consider a partition wall or something like that.

What would you do anyway if she was on a sofa bed in the lounge? It would be really awkward unless You just went to bed too?

Good luck explaining percentages to a six year old.

Plus in any case if you're going to look at it like that, they both get their own room 86% of the time when DSD is at her mum's.

They both share 14% of the time.

What could be fairer?

Who gives a fuck about the wallpaper? My DS is 4 and has what I chose and what I like. He's still some way off insisting on revolting Thomas The Tank Engine wallpaper, he doesn't care.

ollie if OP wants to have another child in a two bedroom ex flat when she already has a DSD and a DS then that's her funeral.

Unless she is going to erect a tent in the garden, then yes, obviously they would all have to share.

I'm not sure actually what you are asking with that question - it seems rather obvious to me.

So you generally think that even though dsd is hardly there it is not going to become 'his' room, even by the way it is used it will become his 'room'.

My car is still my car even though she borrows it every once in a while.

He will be put out (in the fact that he will be disadvantaged not that he will necessarily feel it)

Looking at the options one of the kids is always going to be disadvantaged by not getting primary control of the bedroom (decoration, space)

His mum knows he is losing out by having to split the room with dsd as if she was there 100% of the time.

What would he op do if both were her Children but one was there 14% of the time as they have go to boarding school? I would advise her to let the bedroom be mainly ds's with some concessions made to do eg not to over the top decoration and when she is there they must act as if the bedroom is equally split. But I wouldn't allow a child who is hardly there to make changes that negatively impact a child who is there 100% of the time.

This has got nothing to do with step children, it's about how much time they spend there.

Unless of course they both want to share and like the exact same decor.

People are treating this as if it's about step kids and it's not.

If I had 2 kids and they had their own room they would have power to decorate their room as they like, if they have to share twice a month I wouldn't let the person who is only visiting the others room have any major control over it.

Yabu, but I can understand your reasons. Either you try harder to find a three bed (or a flat/house with a box room), or get bunk beds and 'allocate' personal space for both children in the room. It will only be an issue if you make it one, your son is no more nor less important than your stepdaughter (and vice versa) in terms of space in your home. Accept your circumstances and find a compromise.

NoName there are two children in the house and one child's bedroom.

What other option is there except that the room will be shared?

All the DS is "missing out" on is fucking nasty blue gendered boys wallpaper.

Where is he being put out?

Here here ollie

This is not an issue now.

Ds will be in with you for a few months yet. Dsd can help decorate the room in a neutral way but with her choice accessories/pictures/bedding etc in one area. Good trundle bed.

Ds moves to that room when old enough with accessories/pictures/bedding in area but travel cot in your room when dsd stays. Until reliably sleeping thru & children want to share.

You've got years before ages of dc would make it 'inappropriate for dc to share' so circumstances may have changed & you could be in a 3 bed by then. If not then ds may have to bunk with you 14 nights a year or you and dh sleep on sofa.

Dsd needs to feel welcome & have space that is hers for the time she is there.

yanbu

formidable so you agree with me then??

Da should only have to treat his room as a shared room 14% of the time (when dsd is there)

I don't care about wallpaper but the op seems to and is considering whether her ds will when was older.

So both the kids get their own rooms 84% of the time. Ds in virtue of having his own room that is fully his 84% of time should not have to accommodate another bed in that room until dsd comes to stay so the parent use a pull out or sofa bed. When dsd is there it's in bed form and the sharing/advantages/disadvantages are split equally.

All the DS is "missing out" on is fucking nasty blue gendered boys wallpaper.

Thats your opinion though, the OP might want her son to have a room decorated just for him. There isn't two children in the house, one child only stays over there one night a fortnight, and has her own room at her mum's house!

Formidable - i would make a big deal out of decorating the room to suit the baby but the op obviously want to do this, if all it is is wallpaper then it shouldn't be a big deal to subject the dsd to wallpaper 2 days a month.

Would you honestly split the room 50/50 even though that's not how it's used? What a terrible waste of space?

Oh just remember that if/when you and your DH separate and he only has a two bedroom house to accommodate both his kids, yours will need to take the living room floor..... since kids can't possibly share

Where's op?

Did someone say it's boxroom?

Thanks for all replies but mostly thank you for the ones that have gone in depth about the actual situation I wrote about.

No, I didn't mean I would shove DSD in the front room on a sofa bed, I meant in the bedroom of course. Her toys and clothes would still be in there. It just wouldn't be sickly pink as her current bedroom is (which she actually says is a colour she doesn't like anymore, anyway!).

I was mainly asking if I was being unreasonable for her to be on a sofa bed rather than the bed that she has had for the past 4 years but only slept in for probably the last 10 months.

Thank you to the posters that understand my post properly and realise that I am not resentful at all. And to the poster who mentioned her not knowing the parents together, no she hasn't as like I said they split before she was born and he wasn't allowed in her life for a good few months and was only allowed to regularly see her when she was about 1 and a half.

I wish we were well off enough to afford a 3 bedroom house but it's a struggle. And I don't mean we would go without luxuries if we were to do that, I mean that we literally do not earn enough funds to rent one in the first place. A 2 bed is the only answer we have and I'm just trying to figure out how to make the new family situation work.