To want our baby DS to have his own room like DSD has had...

[RL20]

To cut a long story short, we've been together for 5 and a half years. OH has a 6year old DD from previous short relationship. Quick background she split with him whist still pregnant, they didn't get on for a good few years but always fought to see DD, despite not being on the birth certificate. He applied to pay CSA himself as she always said she never wanted anything from him. He/we have his DD every fortnight for 2 nights, but 9 times out of 10, she stays at OH's mums for one of the nights (his DD and mum are quite close as she had a lot to do with her as a baby as only she was allowed to collect her etc, long story!). So in theory we have her 3 or 4 nights per month as an estimate. We live in a 2 bed rented flat, one room of which has been decorated to DD's taste. However she only started using her bedroom in the last year as before then she stayed in our room as she didn't like being on her own. So it's mainly been used as storage for her toys!
So, we now have a 2 month old DS together and want to move I to a house. I feel very strongly that I want DS to have his own bedroom, as his DD has for the past 4 years, and obviously 6 years at her own house. Why should my DS be any different? OH thinks they should share and it be neutral. He's a boy and as he grows up in a couple of years he's going to no doubt want his own mark on the room! I feel annoyed that he wants a big bed and a big cot bed in one room, when the bed is only going to be used a couple of times a month. I suggested a fold out sofa bed thing for when she stays, and obviously all of her toys in her toy box, and clothes in a drawer. It fell on deaf ears. We really can't afford a 3 bed house and don't think it's justifiable seeing as the bedroom will rarely be used! Am I being unreasonable?!?!

Not unreasonable for your son to want his own room. Why don't you let your son and sdd have a bedroom each and you get a sofabed for yourself and hubby for living room?

excellent idea YAN! If my DD's dad had another child and then relegated her from her bedroom to having a sofa bed and a drawer I would be gutted for her . I would imagine with a new baby on the scene and how little she sees her dad she is already feeling incredibly uncertain and insecure-take away what she knows now for a baby that can't even sleep in the room and it's going to cement for her that she's been replaced.
Can't the baby just stay with you whilst ypu save for a bigger place? Or as someone else suggested, put the children in the master bedroom with dedicated space for both,decorated for them etc and you and your DP go in the smaller room. I did this with DD when we lived in a small 2 bed, that way all of her toys etc fit in her room, I got my living room back and we were all happy

I don't see any problem with a folding bed. Some of them can be just as comfortable as a standard bed (and more expensive!).

My DD uses one at her grandparents house, and loves the way it folds up into a cupboard. She thinks it's fun, not that she is unwanted.

When she arrives it is usually made up with her character bedding, and you wouldn't really know it wasn't a normal bed.

And how would your dd feel Aus if there was a new grandchild and your dd had to give up her bed and bedding at her grandads and sleep elsewhere to make way for the baby?

^
This!

Older siblings have to accommodate younger ones. It's the way of the world. They don't take priority.

OP, ignore all the people telling you what an evil person you are, you're not.

Is it unreasonable for you to want your DS to have his own room? No of course not
Is it unreasonable for your DH to want his DD to have her own bed / space too? No, again, of course not.

BUT the reality is you don't have enough space for everyone to have what you both want.

I think once your DS is old enough the best thing to do would be to decorate in a neutral ish manner and then put in a single bed where another pulls out from underneath it, and your DSD can sleep in with him when she visits.

I know you want to decorate a nice "boys" room for your son, of course you, it's human nature to want this, especially if he's your PFB, but this seems a good compromise for the moment.

HOWEVER, this may not work further down the line. In 8 years I don't think a 14 year old girl will want to share with an 8 year old boy! So I'd start planning for the future about how you can provide for a 3 bed place.
Do you both work at the moment? If so, what are your scopes for increasing your incomes to afford another bedroom?

catzpyjamas those beds look great. OP - you could have those and just lift the top one on and off. Your DSD would not even need to know that her bed 'packed away' like that.

It's not unreasonable to want your son to have his own room. It doesn't matter too much while he's still little but it will matter more as he gets older and wants it decorating to his taste

I think the best thing for you to do would be buy a house with a very large bedroom and have a dummy wall built. Or could you move slightly further afield and buy a three bed? I think DSD needs her own space so she feels an important member of your family.

We have a 6yo DD (so not DSD) and a baby who should be arriving any time in the next week or so. We have a 3 bed house but need the back bedroom for DH to work in, and other reasons, so they will be sharing the second double room.

What we're doing is buying a bunk bed that can initially be just a high sleeper, for DD to sleep in. There are a couple of manufacturers out there that make these. Therefore keeping more floor space for their combined stuff, especially the mix of 6yo toys and baby toys, nappies, change table etc.

As time goes on, we will add the bottom bunk bed, making traditional bunks. By then the nappies should have gone (or nearly gone) and we might need a cull of toys. If you had bunks, then you're not losing any space when your DSD isn't there. DD is planning some girly fairy lights up high by her bed and possibly one of those fabric canopies in suitable girly fabric!! I have however said that the decoration needs to be neutral. But with the addition of new beds, some moving of furniture etc, it seems like a new room, so the decoration change goes along with it without it being too hard on DD. As it happens she wants a jungle theme so we're going green with a few tree transfers.

In the future DD or DS will need to go in the 3rd bedroom (in the high sleeper) and the other DC will be in the second bedroom in the bed from the bottom bunk. Hopefully we can afford a loft conversion by then! You will have to think of a plan for 5+ years time when your DSD is older though, but maybe your financial situation might also have changed by then too.

Most children start off life sharing a room. My brothers and I were all in the same room until I was about 5, and my elder brother 7. Then the boys continued to share for about 3 more years.

If the dsd has a good relationship with her grandparents it's a good thing surely. I don't think the OP or her DH should be critisised for that.
OP there are so many ways to make the space good for two children. I agree with people who suggest it being a project where she gets to help choose bedding lighting etc. It will help to create nice feelings about her brother. Pink or blue are so old school now. Go on Pinterest or look in ikea for creative ways of using the space.

ShesAStar, you're genuinely suggesting that the OP buys a house in an area other than she wants and/or she can't really afford, or that she limits her choices enormously and then has a fairly major and expensive alteration carried out to it just to accommodate someone whose prime residence is elsewhere, who already has a bedroom of her own in it and who only visits 2 nights a month? Seriously?

I suspect that there would be none of this talk of buying a house to suit a 6 year old if the DSD was the OP's own child and, say, at boarding school and only home infrequently. People would be suggesting, as I did, that the DC shared the room and had bunk beds, not working things out so that the everything revolved around the 6 year old.

!

Well said, hooby, some here seem to be some distance from reality.

Sometimes, you simply have to cut your coat according to your cloth.

If you can't afford the place you really want, then you take what you can afford and alter it or bide your time.

So, your family are going to be a little bit more crowded than your ideal. Your baby won't even remember it, your dsd won't be there much, so you could stay where you are for the moment and save like mad.
Or move now to an area where you can afford the 3 beds.
Or move to the area you want, but get a flat instead of a house.

Presumably, you and dh think your earnings will increase over the next 5 or 10 years.

Baby will probably be in your room for another year and it will be another 5 years or so before he is in the slightest bit bothered about having his own room. I'd get bunk beds if I were you, then keep him in your room til he goes into a bed. They can both have their own things in the room but gender neutral decor.

Are you hoping to have any more children? What happens then? That child will have to share surely (probably with two siblings?)

Your other option in a 2 bedroom house is to use one room downstairs as your bedroom, sacrificing a separate dining room? We did this in a 2 bed with 3 dc.

You are not being unreasonable .
Your son should have his own bed in his own house just like DSD has at hers.
She will just have to deal with a pull out bed

If I was the father I certainly wouldn't put up with that attitude! He has 2 children and not one favoured one and a visitor. DS already gets his father all the time- to then be favoured in everything else too is unfair.
lots of people have 2 children in a house that isn't big enough and they find ways around it. Especially, as has been mentioned a lot, the baby doesn't know or care where he sleeps.

There are two children to consider, and one bedroom to fill. It's a no-brainer. They share. If you and OH are currently in the larger bedroom, maybe swap to give both children extra space.
You risk driving a wedge between yourself and OH if you try and edge his first child out, and buy the poor girl a pull out mattress because you now have your 'own' baby to fill a bedroom.
Step-parents get a bad press as it is, without reading views like this. To your OH, both children are equally important, and you'll get nowhere trying to place one of higher importance in a room on their own.

I can't see how any parent of 2 children could let a partner favour one child.

How's ith favouring one child?

Step child lives in a different house and has own room in that house.

The op is suggesting not having a full time both kids room in her house she's talking about it being her childs room and a put up bed of some space saving description being used in that room for the 4 days a month the step child us there.

The elder child already comes off worse by only seeing her father occasionally while her brother gets him all the time.

I think probably when pregnant you are worrying more and mourning a bit that you can't have an ideal nursery. I can empathise with that as I did really enjoy decorating ours and nest building. However, you are where you are, and I can promise you that even if you made it into the perfect nursery room, your new baby would rarely be in there as the first 6 months are next to mum in a Moses basket, then the next 6 months 3 years after they will end up in your bed in a lot of people's cases!

There are some lovely creative suggestions on here amongst the judgements to make lots of floor space while also giving DSD a room she still feels her own and not just new baby's. I think the idea of redecorating with her input and thinking of a joint theme that they will both like is really lovely and is only the cost of some paint and some wall stickers if need be, plus whichever bed solution works. Lots of kids that age love being in a high up bunk bed type thing anyway and you can make that bit a more private girly space if you want.

As for storage, I wouldn't segregate too much. If she has a place for her clothes when she comes and can find her toys, I'm sure she won't mind mixing it a bit with new baby's.

Don't be down OP, I think it will be a lot nicer for your new baby than you can imagine having an older sister to have sleep overs with and probably make her visits more special.