To want our baby DS to have his own room like DSD has had...

[RL20]

To cut a long story short, we've been together for 5 and a half years. OH has a 6year old DD from previous short relationship. Quick background she split with him whist still pregnant, they didn't get on for a good few years but always fought to see DD, despite not being on the birth certificate. He applied to pay CSA himself as she always said she never wanted anything from him. He/we have his DD every fortnight for 2 nights, but 9 times out of 10, she stays at OH's mums for one of the nights (his DD and mum are quite close as she had a lot to do with her as a baby as only she was allowed to collect her etc, long story!). So in theory we have her 3 or 4 nights per month as an estimate. We live in a 2 bed rented flat, one room of which has been decorated to DD's taste. However she only started using her bedroom in the last year as before then she stayed in our room as she didn't like being on her own. So it's mainly been used as storage for her toys!
So, we now have a 2 month old DS together and want to move I to a house. I feel very strongly that I want DS to have his own bedroom, as his DD has for the past 4 years, and obviously 6 years at her own house. Why should my DS be any different? OH thinks they should share and it be neutral. He's a boy and as he grows up in a couple of years he's going to no doubt want his own mark on the room! I feel annoyed that he wants a big bed and a big cot bed in one room, when the bed is only going to be used a couple of times a month. I suggested a fold out sofa bed thing for when she stays, and obviously all of her toys in her toy box, and clothes in a drawer. It fell on deaf ears. We really can't afford a 3 bed house and don't think it's justifiable seeing as the bedroom will rarely be used! Am I being unreasonable?!?!

He could have stayed with his dd at gm's house then. If I only got 4 nights a month with my children I wouldn't be separated from them for a single minute longer than necessary.

That's your experience. mine was different. That's life. Maybe the step daughter will feel like you did or maybe she'll feel like I did. who knows?

I think it is obvious that the resident child has the room when he is old enough. For now the baby won't really notice but by the time he is about 3 he should have an identifiable room not just a corner of his sister's space. She has a room at home at her mum's house. Your boy only has one home and one space to be his. Yes he will have to share when she visits but it really should become his room. I like the truckle bed idea with a good chest for storage for dsd.

I read it as his mum not the ex's, why is she staying at the maternal gm's house in his contact time?

yeah who knows, but her mum could be doing a bit more.

A lot of people are demonising the OP and her partner here- the dad is not on the birth certificate (thats totally ridiculous). He only gets her when the mother says so even though he pays his way for her. To the people saying to the OP 'you would feel the same if it was for pfb staying over at his dad's on a sofa bed' Maybe the DSD's mother should let her stay more often at her dad's- then she would get more use use out of the bedroom she apparently so desperately needs in order to feel like she's still part of the family.

Just read your op, and it is his mum. Great catch you've got there. How long before 2 nights a month is all he wants to see your son too?

All you obviously want to read is, yes it's fine to shove your step daughter aside for your new baby. Lovely.

Don't worry about it OP. You asked a simple question and a few people got arsey about it. Maybe they have DC who are relegated to living room floors when they stay with their dads and evil step mothers?

nevertheless I have enjoyed debating on this tonight.

Lunar- you sound like you have a huge chip on your shoulder about this. the OP was seriously only asking about camp/ sofa beds! Nothing to do with her DP's relationship with his DD!

You said it perfectly Dixie.

Well they always have the option of going to court and sorting visitation out properly. Then if the child's mother is obstructing the father would have full backing. He could also get his name on her birth certificate then.

I reckon if she is 6 now, you've got several years of them potentially sharing before you even need to consider moving. She might not be so keen on sharing as she gets older, but I bet her little brother will really look forward to the times when she's there with him.

Lunar1 - your comments to the op about her dh are becoming very unpleasant and offensive. You've made it perfectly clear that you disagree with her thinking, you've had your say so there is no need to continue with your bullying and hectoring posts. She did not ask your opinion on her dh, and the kind of person he is (which you can only guess at) has nothing to do with her question. So why are you bringing him in to this? Let me see ... could it be just that you feel its perfectly ok to have a go at someone for no apparent reason?

My DS is 6 and would love to share a room with his 6 years older sister (but she's a teenager and doesn't want to know about him). She'd have loved an older sibling to share with too - your DS is so lucky to be the one who gets to share with his sister albeit so seldom. He will benefit so much from having her. You just need to adjust your thinking (no easy task I know from experience in a similar situation)

Oh dear OP you posted a stepmother post in AIBU! Live, learn and avoid AIBU! It's not stepmum friendly to say the least.

How about a loft bed for DSD and a cot under for DS. DS won't be losing valuable floor space for playing. It may mean keeping him in with you until he sleeps through on nights when she's there. Just make DSD apart of redecorating. Let her choose her bedding and even his. It will make her feel like a great big sister. Put up shelves - high ones, so when DS starts to toddle and wreck her stuff she has a place to put special Lego creations etc that she doesn't want smashed. This worked perfectly for my stepkids and their half brother. Use your wall space. When DS gets older you can get hotwheels tracks that mount to the wall. IKEA Ribba picture rails are perfect for holding heaps of books. You can make a great room for two that will of course be his most of the time but one in which she feels welcome and at home.

The op calls me a cow and I'm the bully! I think where the dd spends her contact time is relevant because she has precious little time with her dad and now she is going to lose her own room there. That is fine as she now has a half sibling. But in the circumstances, which you can't look at in isolation, she needs some permanent space to call her own.

You're not a bully lunar. You posted your opinion, when asked for your opinion. Odd how people equate that to bullying.

If it's any help. My girls stay in their dad's house every few months, the room they stay in is rented to lodgers when not they aren't there. But when they are they have their own bed clothes curtains etc put up and their toy box put back in. They also share a double bed there. At home they have a room each. They don't feel any less wanted because they don't have a dedicated room. They love spending time with dad and his girlfriend. If you make it a positive that's how the child will perceive it

She has a permanent space to call her own at her mother's house.

She is going to share with the ds at her father's house, but as she is only going to be there 4 nights maximum per fortnight, op is not bu to see that room as largely their ds's room, not shared equally with his half sister, or as her room which he gets a small space in.

A number of us on the thread don't think she's being unreasonable and have made some helpful suggestions as to how they can share that space fairly. Oh, and I speak as a step-daughter who never had a room in my dfather's house and who only got to visit one afternoon per week.

mrsgrinch

Lunar stated her opinion and then went on to make more than one disparaging comment about op's dh and what kind of father he was. Which was both unpleasant and unnecessary.

I could use the word hectoring if you prefer that. Or goading maybe.