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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want our baby DS to have his own room like DSD has had...

216 replies

RL20 · 17/06/2015 20:45

To cut a long story short, we've been together for 5 and a half years. OH has a 6year old DD from previous short relationship. Quick background she split with him whist still pregnant, they didn't get on for a good few years but always fought to see DD, despite not being on the birth certificate. He applied to pay CSA himself as she always said she never wanted anything from him. He/we have his DD every fortnight for 2 nights, but 9 times out of 10, she stays at OH's mums for one of the nights (his DD and mum are quite close as she had a lot to do with her as a baby as only she was allowed to collect her etc, long story!). So in theory we have her 3 or 4 nights per month as an estimate. We live in a 2 bed rented flat, one room of which has been decorated to DD's taste. However she only started using her bedroom in the last year as before then she stayed in our room as she didn't like being on her own. So it's mainly been used as storage for her toys!
So, we now have a 2 month old DS together and want to move I to a house. I feel very strongly that I want DS to have his own bedroom, as his DD has for the past 4 years, and obviously 6 years at her own house. Why should my DS be any different? OH thinks they should share and it be neutral. He's a boy and as he grows up in a couple of years he's going to no doubt want his own mark on the room! I feel annoyed that he wants a big bed and a big cot bed in one room, when the bed is only going to be used a couple of times a month. I suggested a fold out sofa bed thing for when she stays, and obviously all of her toys in her toy box, and clothes in a drawer. It fell on deaf ears. We really can't afford a 3 bed house and don't think it's justifiable seeing as the bedroom will rarely be used! Am I being unreasonable?!?!

OP posts:

sandgrown · 17/06/2015 23:20

My youngest DS always gave up his room for the DSC when they came to stay and he slept on a mattress in our room. Now we have grown up children, stepchildren and grandchildren staying we often have people "camping out" on mattresses or fold up beds. Nobody seems to mind and we enjoy having a houseful

StupidBloodyKindle · 17/06/2015 23:20

Have not read the full thread but as a child the same age as your stepdaugher, I remember vividly having 'my' room taken away. My stepbrother, as resident child, had his own room. I can understand it now, as a parent, for practical reasons, but as a child it sucked.

I cosleep with my baby. If he was sharing with sister, and the ages were like in your case, then I would say you have four years. Ten year old stepdaughter needs privacy, four year old little brother needs own space and respect big sis privacy, also 0-4 she will find him cute. 4+ they get more annoying

That gives you four years to save up towards a three bed, or extension, or conversion e.g. end terrace but loft you could make room 3, or alternative solution.
In the meantime the next four years
a) your little one really won't care about the decor, he may well scribble on it any chance he gets
b) he won't care about the bed and will try to migrate to yours in any case
c) if I could give any advice 're toys for both kids it would be Less is More

You could have a great time making it into both their rooms for the next four years depending.g on its size. There are room divider/screens or ikea units as a divider, red/blue boxes. There are beds with a top bunk/slide for him and bed below for her. They could have matching his/her singles. At the moment a cotbed in the corner is all he needs, mine sleeps and he is two, so would never have been in Sd's room.
You could choose a theme for both kids to grow up with e.g. under the sea She could have dolphins on her side, he could have Nemo or crocodiles. You could have swathes of blue from the ceiling or a beaded curtain between the beds or seaweed tendrils to divide the room. There is so much scope there if you embrace it. If stepdaughter gets a say and her baby brother's her as much as my baby loves his sister's it could be just lovely. for whatever you.come up with.

ImSoCoolNow · 17/06/2015 23:21

YABU

StupidBloodyKindle · 17/06/2015 23:24

Typos and apostrophes everywhere! Kindle running amok, sorry.
My babyco sleeps
Loves his sister etc

Scoopmuckdizzy · 17/06/2015 23:31

When my half sister was born I was 13 and what had been my bedroom at my dad's house was completely taken over and I was put in the attic which was freezing, then the sofa in the living room. To be honest it didn't really bother me as I knew it made sense and I never saw it as my evil stepmother trying to push me out.

I have 2 DSs and 2 DSSs and a 4 bedroom house- the plan was always to put our little ones in the same room so DSSs could keep their rooms as before DP moved in he was only in a 2 bedroomed house and so is their mum so they've only ever had their own rooms here but DS2 still doesn't sleep though the night (at 20months) so he's moved in with DSS1 (15) who rarely spends any time in there when he's here anyway as he's too busy being in the rest of the house. He doesn't care when the baby wakes but DS1 who is 3 would.

I really don't think this is as much as an issue as most people are making it out to be, I don't think the OP is cruel- just trying to work out what would work best for her family's situation.

ElkTheory · 17/06/2015 23:40

I think it is especially important for a child who sees her father only a few days a month (and perhaps feels a bit uncertain in terms of attachment?) to feel at home in her father's house. I think there are many ways to achieve that. In terms of practicalities it seems that sharing a room with her brother when he is a bit older would be a reasonable option. I would make certain that she was given the opportunity to choose some decorative elements in the room and a place specifically defined as space for her clothes, toys, etc. Of course there would also be many things you could choose for your son (paint or wallpaper, furniture, bedding) since it would be his room exclusively most of the time.

Jux · 17/06/2015 23:56

How about a 3-bed flat, until you can more easily afford a house?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/06/2015 00:12

I'm astounded at the amount of people who equate using a sofa bed or pull out bed in a bedroom as some kind of evidence of a person being unwanted.

What a unhealthy attitude and one that is very likely to rub off on kids who mostly wouldn't even think anything of it unless they had someone telling them it's a bad thing

SinisterBunnyMonth · 18/06/2015 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ReginaBlitz · 18/06/2015 00:31

Yanbu, she has a bedroom at her house she doesn't have to share, your house is your ds house so he should have his bedroom there. His dd stays a couple of times s month a pullout bed/ futon etc isn't u.
Yes it's his child but it's a bit selfish of your dp wanting her to have 2 bedrooms, she lives full time with her mum she doesn't need another bedroom

CharityBarnum · 18/06/2015 00:34

I'm a bit at that as well. My DD is perfectly well adjusted and she slept in the bunk / sofa in the living room of our 1-bed flat for years I wasn't aware that I was making her feel unwelcome.

My Dad was one of nine children in the East End and his family never had more than a 3-bed (luxury!) house.

Aussiemum78 · 18/06/2015 00:54

Definitely bunk beds and involve dsd in redecorating - ask her to pick a theme for boys and girls. It will solve your problem while making her feel good doing something special with you. She also has a top bunk which is pretty cool for a 5-6 year old.

Your baby ds doesn't need to pick his room colours, he's a baby.

Aussiemum78 · 18/06/2015 00:58

Also why is your dsd only visiting 2 days a fortnight and even then, being sent to grandmas? That's not a lot of involvement from dad.

Why isn't your dp seeking increased visitation? Is it because he's been too busy since she was a baby starting a new relationship with you? Sorry but it doesn't sound great, no matter what you say about child support. He could be more involved in her life.

Chunkymonkey79 · 18/06/2015 02:21

If they were both your children I bet you wouldn't put one on the sofa bed!

Yabu, tread carefully.

NobodyLivesHere · 18/06/2015 05:28

This is such a complete non issue. The ds is 8 weeks old. He will be in with you for a good while yet and if my kids are anything to go on they did nothing in their rooms other than sleep until they were about 5. Small children play where they can be kept an eye on. By which point your dsd will be much older and you'll be able to rejig things

SavoyCabbage · 18/06/2015 05:34

I think that either bunks or the two beds that are identical and can be stacked on top of each other that Catz posted a picture of at 22.20 is a great solution.

Mehitabel6 · 18/06/2015 05:35

You have 2 children in your family- you can't make the youngest more important. Also, as a baby, he doesn't know or care whether he has his own room.

Mehitabel6 · 18/06/2015 05:36

In about 5/6 years you can rethink.

musicalendorphins2 · 18/06/2015 06:37

You are not unreasonable for wanting your ds to have his own room. But since you can't afford it, they will need to share. Your son is just an infant, and will probably sleep with you for the next 2 years anyways, in which time you may be able to afford to move to a 3 bedroom.
I would put a twin size bed, not a foldaway cot or trundle bed, and when your ds is old enough add another twin bed for him.

Binkybix · 18/06/2015 07:06

YANBU. I really don't see the big deal here. Step daughter gets to share the room but with a bed that's got out before she arrives.

Purplepoodle · 18/06/2015 07:07

Could you put a toddler bed in. We have nice one from ikea that is a bit slimmer and shorter than adult bed so takes up less room but still looks grown up. Give it a couple of years then you may be able to afford to move or dsd will be old enough for bunk beds.

I'd paint room neutral and pop up posters which can be changed. My 4 year ds old loves peppa pig

DixieNormas · 18/06/2015 07:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueStripedHat · 18/06/2015 07:17

I understand why you would like your DS to have his own room but I think you probably have two or three years to save and plan for moving to a 3 bedroomed flat or house before it becomes a big issue.

As pp have said while he is a baby and toddler your DS will tend to only use his bedroom to sleep in and he won't care how the room looks. However, as time moves on your DSD probably won't want to share her bedroom with, in her eyes, a snotty and irritating little brother and it would be nice for him to have a room of his own too.

You were brave coming to aibu to ask for advice about a step child. There seems to be a lot of people here who project their own painful relationship break downs and contact arrangements on to these threads.

morelikeguidelines · 18/06/2015 07:26

Yabu to push her out for a 2 month old who needs to be jn your room anyway.

You are probably over thinking because you are a blended family. At 16 months I haven't done much to decorate ds' room and make it "his" because they don't care until they are older. The spare bed is still in there and he can come in our room in travel cot when people come to stay.

Aridane · 18/06/2015 07:30

OP - YABU to have posted this in AIBU!

Other than that, I don't really see the problem with the pragmatic way forward you have in mind.

Sorry about the somewhat personal abuse you and your DP have been subject to - but hey ho...

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