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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want our baby DS to have his own room like DSD has had...

216 replies

RL20 · 17/06/2015 20:45

To cut a long story short, we've been together for 5 and a half years. OH has a 6year old DD from previous short relationship. Quick background she split with him whist still pregnant, they didn't get on for a good few years but always fought to see DD, despite not being on the birth certificate. He applied to pay CSA himself as she always said she never wanted anything from him. He/we have his DD every fortnight for 2 nights, but 9 times out of 10, she stays at OH's mums for one of the nights (his DD and mum are quite close as she had a lot to do with her as a baby as only she was allowed to collect her etc, long story!). So in theory we have her 3 or 4 nights per month as an estimate. We live in a 2 bed rented flat, one room of which has been decorated to DD's taste. However she only started using her bedroom in the last year as before then she stayed in our room as she didn't like being on her own. So it's mainly been used as storage for her toys!
So, we now have a 2 month old DS together and want to move I to a house. I feel very strongly that I want DS to have his own bedroom, as his DD has for the past 4 years, and obviously 6 years at her own house. Why should my DS be any different? OH thinks they should share and it be neutral. He's a boy and as he grows up in a couple of years he's going to no doubt want his own mark on the room! I feel annoyed that he wants a big bed and a big cot bed in one room, when the bed is only going to be used a couple of times a month. I suggested a fold out sofa bed thing for when she stays, and obviously all of her toys in her toy box, and clothes in a drawer. It fell on deaf ears. We really can't afford a 3 bed house and don't think it's justifiable seeing as the bedroom will rarely be used! Am I being unreasonable?!?!

OP posts:
formidable · 17/06/2015 21:54

Well ollie then the Op needs to move to a three bedroom house doesn't she?

NoName no I think that the DSD needs to have a bed there. Nothing wrong with a bunk bed and it doesn't take up any space or inconvenience anyone when she's not there. She also needs a wardrobe and some drawers.

The advantage for DS is that, for 86% of the time, there isn't actually another body in the room, so he gets it to himself. With DSD's furniture, but no DSD.

crje · 17/06/2015 21:55

Am sure your ds will love having sleepovers with his sister & won't mind a bit that his walls are neutral.

YABU to treat her as a guest
The other 3 members of your family are all blood relations - you are in fact the odd one out Grin

Sickoffrozen · 17/06/2015 21:55

And the dd's dad who fought tooth and nail to get access to her, has two children. His first born who I'm pretty sure he wants the best for under difficult circumstances and a baby who I'm also sure he wants the best for. Surely compromise all around is best for now and really a bit of a look at what you do money wise to get a bigger house.

steppemum · 17/06/2015 21:57

when my girls shared we made each end of the room individual. So it was painted green and dd1s end was butterfly stickers all across the wall by her bed, and her duvet was horses and flowers on a background that went with the green. She had one of those netting hanging things over the head of her bed.

DD2 had a jungle theme, with monkeys round her bed and a jungle net hanging thing.

So one room and 2 styles. Get a storage unit for dd that will keep her toys out of ds way, maybe under the bed storage so it is out of the way?

The pull out bed - well, this depends on the bed. If it is made up looking like a proper bed when she comes, but is able to be put away a bit when she isn't there, then that is quite a practical solution.

basgetti · 17/06/2015 21:58

She has her own room at her Mum's because presumably she has made decisions re housing or further children that allow that. Her Dad has chosen to have another child in a 2 bedroomed flat so his children will need to share as it is a different family set up. Are people really advocating telling a 6 year old 'Well you have your own room at your Mum's plus you are technically only here for 14% of the time so you are no longer entitled to allocated space at your Dad's, it is to be given up for the new baby's exclusive use.'
Good on the Dad for refusing to back down and allow his daughter to be treated like a second class citizen.

TiggieBoo · 17/06/2015 21:58

YABU. If she's only there a few days a month, sharing a room is not going to inconvenience your ds. What's the big deal about decorating? My DS and DD decided they wanted to share, they each decorate the wall above their beds. Big deal.

MayPolist · 17/06/2015 21:59

You should have been thinking about all of this before sperm met egg.
I think the best solution is a neutral room and your DS moves in with you when the DSD comes overnight.

MamanOfThree · 17/06/2015 22:00

Ok this is my pov.

Both dcs should have their own beds. No way that the one dc who lives in the house FULL TIME is going to be asked to used a travel cot/blowup mattress/whatever else it is for the night when dsd is there! He has as many rights to a bed and a bedroom as she is. That would be the wrong message to give to both children (and yes even he is a baby and 'he won't know any better or remember'. But there will be pictures and more importantly dsd will know).

Yep it's crap when you two dcs and one bedroom, esp when there is a big age gap AND they are boy/girl.
You need to deal with it as if they were both living there together and think abot how you could organise yourself. I'm guessing that you will have to do quite a bit of sdjustements due to the baby waking up at night, her going to bed later etc....

If you split the room, do it as you meant to go along. Don't give dsd the full chice on how top decorate. How are you going to explain to her in 2 years time that actually no ds doesn't want a fairy on his side of the bedroom? Or how is she going to react when she comes back to a bedroom decorated. at least half, to his taste?

If you can afford a two bedroom house with 2 double bedrooms, you can easily separate the room in two separate areas and your ds will get the full use of the whole space most of the time anyway.
If you can't, I think it will be VERY tricky to handle because

  • your dsd should made be feel at home too so she needs some sort of 'bedroom corner'
  • your ds has only ONE bedroom, not two unlike the dsd, so wil need space to put all his toys etc... (I imagine well that he will have much more than her at your house). How are you going to 'cut' the space? Would half and half be really fair? (and feasible)
ollieplimsoles · 17/06/2015 22:01

Op I think that sounds fine, something you can pack away easily when she isn't staying there so your ds has his space. Keeping some clothes and toys in the room will be fine too I'm sure. No point having a bed in there permanently when she isn't there permanently.

MamanOfThree · 17/06/2015 22:02

Oh btw, for all the people who are saying 'well you should have thought about it before getting pg' are serioulsy saying that either

  • the OP should just suck it up and though for the second child. Doesn't matter about his wellbeing. Only the one of the dsd is important because she comes from a split family
  • that the OP shouldn't have had a child because she already has a dsd?

What a crap answer!

Fromparistoberlin73 · 17/06/2015 22:02

Yabu

formidable · 17/06/2015 22:05

No Maman are you being deliberately obtuse?

The DS is less important. The DSD is AS important.

If the DSD was a DD then the OP would have given the bedroom arrangements some thought before she got pregnant. And she should also have given it thought in this situation.

formidable · 17/06/2015 22:06

DS isnt obviously...

Original poster
RL20 · 17/06/2015 22:07

Kinkyfuckery if that was to happen, the issue of having 2 big beds taking up the space in one small bedroom wouldn't be a problem as neither child would live there permanently for it to affect them.

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 17/06/2015 22:07

Formidable She is as important but she doesn't live there permanently.

UseHerName · 17/06/2015 22:09

What are you going to do if when older dad wants to live with.her dad permanently?

formidable · 17/06/2015 22:09

But it's her home and her family too.

She's six fgs

AdventureBe · 17/06/2015 22:10

Does a sofa bed really take up much less space than a single bed?

Original poster
RL20 · 17/06/2015 22:12

Ollieplimsoles thank The Lord the is someone sensible in here. That's honestly all I was asking! I would never shut DSD out, she has been part of my life for the past nearly 6 years and has actually always been more for me than her own dad!
There just wouldn't physically be room for a cot bed and a bed plus anything else!

OP posts:
msgrinch · 17/06/2015 22:12

yabvu

ollieplimsoles · 17/06/2015 22:13

So? I had to sleep on a camp bed at my dad's when my little half sister came along, then my half brother. I was only 7 then and had previously had my own room in his house. I had a lovely room at my mum's, I didn't care. I certainly didn't feel like less of the family. My step mum and dad always loved and included me, its not all about a bedroom!

Original poster
RL20 · 17/06/2015 22:13

Adventurebee yes of course it does.

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 17/06/2015 22:13

The poor girl has had her life turned upside down enough in the past six months - you moving into her and her dads home, a new sibling, now you want to relegate her to guest status.... It's really not on. A bunk bed takes up less space than a single bed and a sofa bed ffs

ollieplimsoles · 17/06/2015 22:14

I know OP, just do what you were suggesting it sounds fine. I'm sure you are a lovely step mum who wants to include your dsd as much as ever!

kinkyfuckery · 17/06/2015 22:17

OP: AIBU?
1/2/3: yes
OP: But...
4/5/6: yes
OP: no, I'm not
7/8/9/10: yes you are
117: No you're not
OP: Aha I knew it, thank you