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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just be honest for a minute

225 replies

darkonyx · 17/06/2015 18:16

Namechanged.

One of my friends recently signed up for a dating site, and within a month is coupled-up, which is of course very lovely for her and I have no doubt she will be another friend married within the next twenty four to thirty six months! (I'm 30, nearly 31.) All well and good.

I feel sad that it probably won't happen for me.

Here is the thing: I am considerably below "average" in the looks stakes. I don't have a nice figure (this isn't linked to size so much as proportions and so on) and although I do try, I am constantly fighting a losing battle against excess body hair and the like!

Now, I don't want this to turn into a "low self esteem - needs counselling" post. I don't think I have very low self esteem - I am really successful career wise, have bought my own home outright, and have a lot going on I am happy with.

But I would love a family and children.

Before people say I am young to have written myself off, I know, but unfortunately I am that person men shout abuse at when drunk in the street; I have been on dating sites more times than I've had hot dinners and haven't got further than "hey hows u" from men twenty years my senior and have had no interest throughout college, university and my post grad. I think I am realistic about my chances!

I have looked into adoption but I don't think it's for me.

It makes me sad.

OP posts:
Golfhotelromeofoxtrot · 17/06/2015 19:38

I've never met anyone so unattractive they've not had a partner. And as lovely as my friends are, looks aren't always their best feature. But genuinely, it doesn't matter!

Do you think you give off a negative air to men? Do you feel like a sexual person? Is it possible you're giving off 'don't approach me' vibes?

Original poster
darkonyx · 17/06/2015 19:48

I had hoped initially we weren't going down the road of 'its you and your attitude.'

If I explained I wasn't up to running a marathon or learning fluent mandarin or climbing a mountain it would be accepted. In this way it's so lonely. People grimly cling on to the 'there's someone for everyone' mantra.

I am just not attractive. I am sorry if that fact disturbs people but I can't alter salient facts - sorry.

OP posts:
Oldtile · 17/06/2015 19:49

Hullo again OP, when I read you live up north I thought, what a shame, but later I thought, well me and dh live in the land of the haggis, and bil did once say that he is not particularly tied to living where he is. Then I got carried away and thought if you and bil did get together, my ds would have a cousin, and family living nearer by and it would be great!
Anyway, I am a lottery player and not put off by far fetched odds, so pm if you want to know more.
(Sorry if I am being weird, I guess I am a hopeless romantic and love a happy ending).

TedAndLola · 17/06/2015 19:50

I really, really doubt it's because of your looks. We all know some stunningly unattractive people in relationships, often with people much better looking than them. Whatever pop culture makes you believe, looks really aren't the be all and end all. There is definitely something in your body language, attitude or behaviour that puts people off approaching you, you just need to find what it is. And it IS something you can change, unlike your looks.

You need to start by asking your friends to be brutally honest with you about why you aren't getting romantic interest. Maybe get them to type it up anonymously and put the notes in a hat so you can't identify who said what, and they won't be afraid to be honest. I'm sure it would be hard but at least you would have your answer, and I would bet a lot of money that it isn't "you're ugly!"

Elfina · 17/06/2015 19:52

Bottom line is, ugly people (for want of a better phrase) get married, have kids, etc. what's different about you? Genuine question. Sure you may not be "attractive" physically, but you have many other attributes. What do YOU think holds you back?

Probs get flamed for this, but move to a big town London

IonaNE · 17/06/2015 19:55

OP, your post has made me sad, too, I feel for you because you don't have something you would like. Flowers. I'd also like to join those before me who have said that it's not looks. Sometimes I go to the town centre on a Saturday (and btw I'm in the north, too :) ) and I always see couples where one or both are... not so attractive. It always gives me hope, seeing people like that, because it means there are people for whom what matters is not the surface.

P.s.: Ctrl-Alt-Delicious: the same is very much true for big beautiful women, too.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 17/06/2015 19:56

You sound clever and funny. I want to say something encouraging but I don't know what really - I can't argue with your assessment of your looks because I don't know what you look like but I'd echo what a previous poster says - don't fall into the trap of reinforcing a view of yourself you formed as a teenager.

carben · 17/06/2015 19:57

No one is asking you to change salient facts. If you believe that you're unattractive then you will be unattractive. If you believe that you're a clever, interesting , intelligent, well groomed woman who is worth spending time with - then men will want to spend time with you. But you have to believe it first. Otherwise you're calling all men superficial bastards who are only interested in attractive women ( whatever their personality) and I'm sorry but that is simply not true.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 17/06/2015 19:57

And Elfina's post at 19:52 is somewhat blunt, but there's truth in it.

Elfina · 17/06/2015 19:59

Sorry, it was intentionally direct. OP does not want us pandering, saying it's self-esteem etcetera, so I'm trying to work out where she goes from here.

workadurka · 17/06/2015 20:00

You need to start by asking your friends to be brutally honest with you about why you aren't getting romantic interest. Maybe get them to type it up anonymously and put the notes in a hat so you can't identify who said what, and they won't be afraid to be honest. I'm sure it would be hard but at least you would have your answer, and I would bet a lot of money that it isn't "you're ugly!"

I think this is a great idea (although could be harsh for you). I'd ask male and female friends.

And OK. Maybe you are ugly, but ugly people date and marry and have kids, otherwise ugly would have died out centuries ago! Wink

Yarp · 17/06/2015 20:00

I agree with you Elfina

Alanna1 · 17/06/2015 20:03

I read your OP and wondered if i knew you. I know a woman who sounds a bit like you. What I want to say to you is - and I really really mean this - have confidence and live this life to its full. In relation to partners, men do like different body shapes. I have another male friend who is totally in to large women! :) Be the best you can and you will probably find someone (& if you don't, you'll still have had a blast). And remember - and its hard when you are looking at the green grass, but the grass isnt always greener the other side.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 17/06/2015 20:04

Yes, I agree with your thinking elfina - hope it didn't sound otherwise!

lasolitazuppa · 17/06/2015 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purplemurple1 · 17/06/2015 20:10

I'm think I'm similar to you I study and work in male subjects and industry's and have seen the other ladies pair off through 6th form, uni and in work. I've never dated anyone from college, uni courses or my work or been asked out by them. I've always assumed its because I'm intimidating and in no way encourage flirting etc with me. I'm there to study or work not to meet someone. I assume you give off the same vibe.

I met my partner at 30, while travelling for work, he is similar intelligence and job level to me but works in a mainly female industry. Also he is very secure in his own masculinity without thinking that makes him superior to women.

I wouldn't let who you have met so far convince you on who you will meet in the future.

WithFlamingLocksOfAuburnHair · 17/06/2015 20:15

OP, do you flirt? Do you know how to flirt? Can you change the tone of a conversation from a chat to one with a twinkle in your eye? It could be that you need to introduce a spark to some conversations, to come across as a sexual being. Not to come on to someone but to present yourself as someone who could be come on to, iykwim. It could be that your manner suggests you're not open to anything beyond a friendly encounter.

SaucyJack · 17/06/2015 20:16

YABU if you think it's your looks that are holding you back from having a boyfriend and children.

The woman over the road from is ugly as sin- and a charmless nerk to boot- and she has to buy Father's Day cards in multipacks......

whooshbangprettycolours · 17/06/2015 20:18

I agree that ugly people (you don't sound ugly) get married all the time. I worked with a bloke and he had bad teeth, bad breath and love bites. Yep, someone luuuurved him. He thought he was a catch.

Perhaps it may never happen, but I honestly think that your chances are improving with age.

Be a good friend and frankly that's better than a bad marriage

TRexingInAsda · 17/06/2015 20:27

Maybe it's your looks, or maybe it's the fact you don't try because you've convinced yourself you're un-dateable. Could you 'fix' anything about yourself physically that you think is unattractive (and this may fix both problems)?! It might be a bit extreme, depending on what's wrong, to your eyes, about you, but it might open up a whole world of possibilities that you currently feel excluded from.

Original poster
darkonyx · 17/06/2015 20:30

I'm fairly sure it's my looks. One night, my friend and I were pissed being a bit silly and we switched photos on a dating site so I had hers up. By the next morning I had more messages in 12 hours than I'd had in 12 months! It was just the pictures that had changed - not the actual blurb.

My friend is very pretty but very much in 'ordinary pretty girl' territory - she is nice looking in a normal way, as in, not a celebrity. So I can quite see why some of you think it's unbelievable and the problem must lie within me but it doesn't, I don't think.

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 17/06/2015 20:31

I agree with asking your friends to be honest, it could be something you've not thought of before.

I'd also tell your male friends you are interested in meeting someone and do they know anyone they think you'd like?

Have you thought about using a personal trainer to look at changing your proprotions? It's amazing what can be achieved. Whatever you do, don't go down the cosmetic surgery route unless there's one specific thing you are unhappy with, it is a slippery slope.

Original poster
darkonyx · 17/06/2015 20:33

But why ask my friends to be honest? I have eyes; I can see.

I'm unattractive. That is the problem. I'm a lovely, happy, intelligent woman. Not perfect - who is? - but absolutely deserving of love. But love and sex are interchangeable in our culture and people may like and platonically love me but they don't want to sleep with me.

OP posts:
lasolitazuppa · 17/06/2015 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DinosaursRoar · 17/06/2015 20:37

Because they might surprise you with what they say - it might not be your looks, it might be your behaviours for people who meet you - not online dating. As said upthread, ugly people get married, but they probably don't meet their partners online dating. It could well be a personality thing you could work on.