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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of people questioning me going back to work full time after mat leave

129 replies

PattyHewesnomore · 15/06/2015 21:02

I am due back to work next week after having 13 months off mat leave. I have loved every moment and wish I didn't have to go back.
I am the main earner at home (I used savings to fund my mat leave) we have a mortgage of £2k per month alongside all the other expenses, there really is no choice.
On top of that I don't think work would allow me to go part time even if I wanted to. I am so sad at the thought of leaving my dd who I haven't been apart from for longer than 4 hrs ever.
I feel judged when people ask if I am going back full time, then raise their eyebrows, visibly wince or tell me how they could never do it. Not one person has said anything positive at all so please Mnetters tell me it will be ok?!?

OP posts:
hibbledibble · 15/06/2015 21:06

I worked full time, but tbh I do regret it, as I felt I hardly saw DD.

You say you have no choice, so needs must. Is there any chance of dp earning more to allow you to do a 4 day week or working compressed hours to make to 4 days (and one less day in childcare)?

undoubtedly · 15/06/2015 21:06

Tell them to fuck off.

I worked full time from 8 months and I love it.

LindyHemming · 15/06/2015 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cantbelieveimonhere · 15/06/2015 21:08

It sounds like you haven't asked work about part time option, or spoken to mortgage provider re re-negotiating the terms?

time to start increasing time away from dc if you're not exploring the above, for both your sakes

Original poster
PattyHewesnomore · 15/06/2015 21:08

Dh is self employed with very inconsistent income some months great, other months nothing so really difficult to rely on at all

OP posts:
Original poster
PattyHewesnomore · 15/06/2015 21:09

Work are not flexible, I had to beg to start an hour earlier to be able to leave in time to pick dd up

OP posts:
Happyringo · 15/06/2015 21:09

Once you become a parent, for some unknown reason people feel completely able to pass (uninvited) judgement on your life, and choices, and parenting style. Don't let them make you feel bad - everyone just does what's right or necessary for them, no matter what that happens to be. Nothing to do with anyone else! Ignore it OP.

karinmaria · 15/06/2015 21:10

I work FT and have done since DS was one, he's 26 months now. It can be hard and really tiring BUT we make the most of the time we do have together and I have a generous annual leave allowance. He adores his nursery and learns so much there so I don't have as much guilt as I thought I would.

It will be fine - just make sure you get some holidays/staycations planned quickly so you have some time with your DD to look forward to.

Kampeki · 15/06/2015 21:11

Meh, it's none of their business.

I have always worked full time, albeit very flexibly. It has never been a problem. DD is now 10 - she is very confident and happy, and we have a fab relationship.

It will be fine. :)

AF77 · 15/06/2015 21:11

I went back to work full time after a year off. I do compressed hours so 5 days in 4 (long) days. Like you, I'm the main earner in the family & had no choice. I could have done half time (& job share), but this wasn't financially viable.

Honestly, try not to let others upset you. Its a needs must situation for must mums/dads that work full time & have children.

andadietcoke · 15/06/2015 21:11

It will be okay. I went down to 4 days after a couple of months as the girls weren't sleeping through (I went back at 9 months) but went back to f/t quite quickly as 4 days just didn't work for me - I was still working during their naps and answering emails when they were awake. Confused

cantbelieveimonhere · 15/06/2015 21:11

Some areas (eg of public sector) have obligation to consider flexible working under family friendly policies etc

Original poster
PattyHewesnomore · 15/06/2015 21:12

mortgage up for renewal next year so will go down significantly fingers crossed. In terms of asking re part time, others have and had it turned down

OP posts:
Aermingers · 15/06/2015 21:13

I agree, tell them to fuck off. I went back part time and was criticised. You get criticised whatever you do. Don't worry about it, do what's right for you.

MrsCharlieD · 15/06/2015 21:14

I have been back at work for 3 months so far and I'm full time. Work is fine but I do feel like I miss out on time with ds. There have been occasions where I've picked him up from nursery and he hasn't wanted to let go of his carer. That nearly killed me and I have cried many times over the guilt. Unfortunately for us needs must but it is not easy. Some days are fine and you just have to make the most of your weekends.

Kampeki · 15/06/2015 21:14

Some areas (eg of public sector) have obligation to consider flexible working under family friendly policies etc

All organisations are obliged to consider a flexible working request, whether they're public sector or not. But they only have to consider it - if they have good business reasons for doing so, then they're at liberty to decline any requests.

Mia1415 · 15/06/2015 21:15

I went back to work full time when my DS was 6 months. I had loads of comments, but as a single mum I didn't have much choice. It was absolutely fine. He is 2 1/2 now & I've no regrets.

TheCrowFromBelow · 15/06/2015 21:16

It's a very personal decision that you have to make based on your own circumstances and situation.

I went back FT after a year mat leave with both of mine; neither forgot I was their mum because I was at work and for our family it was the right decision. The first couple of weeks were a bit tough - mainly for getting into the new routine!

Hope it all goes OK next week.

Phineyj · 15/06/2015 21:16

I went back pt when DD was 8 months, but after 2 years am going ft. Pt basically meant 80% of the pay for full time hours! It is none of their business and as long as you have picked good childcare, it will be fine. DD's life is definitely better for having her lovely nursery in it. They are way more patient than me and much more tolerant of mud. Ignore the nosey parkers and do what's right for you.

Wishful80smontage · 15/06/2015 21:17

I would still ask about part time or flexi time they have to consider it- yes they can say no but they have to think about your application for flexitime/reducing your hours.
Aside from that try not to take it to heart when people judge (easier said than done I know) but please remember you are doing what's best for your family.
Agree that you do need to get your dc used to time apart from you starting now.

Wishful80smontage · 15/06/2015 21:18

Posted to quick-
So it's not as much as a shock when you do go back to work.

Solarpowered2 · 15/06/2015 21:19

I have gone back to work ft after both dc because I wanted to and it was fine both times. I did get 4 days pw for a while but ft again wth dc2 and so far it's ok. In the US many of my friends work ft (both parents usually) and they'd be outraged if anyone suggested they were less than devoted parents. Make the most of the time you do have together - try and make the weekends as good as they can be

viva100 · 15/06/2015 21:19

My mum went back to work FT (finished uni part time on top of that too) when I was something like 3 months old and I am pleased to say that I turned out fine. I don't have kids yet but even I notice how judgy everyone seems to be in regards to motherhood. Once you're a mum you can do nothing right I'm afraid.

fiorentina · 15/06/2015 21:20

I went back to work FT when my baby was 5 months old due to necessity. I am the main breadwinner and my husband wasn't working. I've just got a 4 day a week job and cannot wait. Even though it will mean spending savings for a while. I found it v hard as with the commute too, I didn't see my children for more than 10 minutes a day. However people shouldn't judge, it's entirely your decision and you will be fine. There are many benefits as well.

froggyjump · 15/06/2015 21:21

I went back f/t when DS1 was 6 months old - all the mat leave I could afford at the time.

I went back 4 days when DS2 was 6 months old (and DS1 2 1/2).

I went back f/t when DS3 was 6 months old.

All of them are great, confident boys, having had a variety of carers (Grandma, Nursery, Childminder, DH with DS3)

With the 2 older ones, money was tight as a family, and this last time DH has reduced his hours due to illness so has done the majority of daytime childcare. I'm still the one who does bath and bedtime, and the one he wants when he has hurt himself etc. If you have to do it, you have to, it will be fine.