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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sick of people questioning me going back to work full time after mat leave

129 replies

PattyHewesnomore · 15/06/2015 21:02

I am due back to work next week after having 13 months off mat leave. I have loved every moment and wish I didn't have to go back.
I am the main earner at home (I used savings to fund my mat leave) we have a mortgage of £2k per month alongside all the other expenses, there really is no choice.
On top of that I don't think work would allow me to go part time even if I wanted to. I am so sad at the thought of leaving my dd who I haven't been apart from for longer than 4 hrs ever.
I feel judged when people ask if I am going back full time, then raise their eyebrows, visibly wince or tell me how they could never do it. Not one person has said anything positive at all so please Mnetters tell me it will be ok?!?

OP posts:

Moomintroll85 · 16/06/2015 06:59

Screw those people OP. You are doing what is best for your family at this point in time and providing for your DD.

I am not going back to work now my mat leave is ending as I can't afford childcare on my crap salary. I get the judgey eyebrows too.

You can't win either way with some people who will always relish in telling you what they think and making you feel bad.

Mouthfulofquiz · 16/06/2015 07:00

I went very part time after both kids - but now am increasing my hours partially for financial reasons (also have a 2k mortgage and maternity leave has wiped us out and more!) and also because I really enjoy my job. I imagine I will go back to full time in a couple of years. I see nothing wrong with it, the times of every woman staying at home are long gone. Good luck!

RolyPolierThanThou · 16/06/2015 07:00

I was like you. I'm the earner and dp is a sahd. I saved to take a year off and then went back full time. It made me sad at the time to leave him but actually, almost three years ( and about to have dc3) later I think I have it pretty good.

I get in from work and they rush to me and I get an intense and fun time with them. Its like a party atmosphere when mummy gets home and I love that.

We do stuff at the weekends so dh gets a bit of a break from them and I no longer feel like im missing out. I feel I get the best bits. Especially now that the older one can be a bit of a handful. I only get a fraction of the tantrums. And the bond we have is not weakened at all for my being away at work full time.

The main thing is, when you come home from work, come home to your children. My dad never wanted to see us and would rather we'd all stayed out of his way. I feel no warmth for him. I want to see my children and we have fun evenings. We're a very happy family.

CPtart · 16/06/2015 07:02

I went back to work pt when DC1 was 13 weeks. My DM was horrified it was so soon. Well unless she was going to come and take baby off my hands for a few hours once in a while to give me a break, I might have done differently.
At this age it will be fine. School age might be different though with play dates, homework etc. But for now, do what suits you.

tobysmum77 · 16/06/2015 07:21

OP it's simple....

A man with young children who has a demanding job is 'hardworking'

A woman in the same position is 'selfish'

Personally I work 4 days, the obvious disadvantages being I have the same amount of work to do for less pay . I know lots of parents with young children who work FT.

SoozeyHoozey · 16/06/2015 07:21

People never comment on dads working full time do they? How often do you hear people talk about how terrible it is that fathers return to work full time? Hardly ever! The focus is always on the mother!

FishWithABicycle · 16/06/2015 07:24

Ignore the judgipantsness - your decision. End of.

I've been working ft since pfb was 9 months old and it is definitely not true that a WOHM hardly sees the kids.

Your DH can presumably do more childcare in the fallow times when he has less work on. Might you be able to find a childminder (or nursery but that's less likely) willing to make a flexible arrangement to meld with DH's availability? Some will allow you to keep an unused place open for an honorarium.

BlackeyedSusan · 16/06/2015 07:37

oh dear. it is hard when you would prefer to do the other thing but are stuck with current circumstances. is there anyway you can change it in the longer term if you find you don't like it after going back to work for a bit? it may work out alright though once you have adjusted.

nooka · 16/06/2015 07:38

I went back to work when ds was six months, and then when dd was three months (I changed jobs when I was pregnant and so only had SMP). So long as you have good childcare I don't think it's actually that problematic when your children are very small and life is relatively uncomplicated. Primary school age was much more tricky I found.

One of the plus points about being back at work is that you will meet plenty of other working parents and so your circumstances will feel much more normal.

Oh and my two are teens now and don't appear to have suffered from me abandoning them. We have very good relationships and they are both generally fairly fantastic. Parenting is for the long haul, not just about babies.

Georgethesecond · 16/06/2015 07:41

It will be fine (with the cleaner, meal planning and internet shopping).

Your DS will be fine.

You will still have a career and you will value that beyond measure when all your friends have crappy jobs and are bored and dissatisfied while their kids are at school. And if you separate from your DH (no I never thought mine would leave either) you will value it even more.

UptheChimney · 16/06/2015 08:17

I only took a short maternity leave by today's standards. No such thing as a year's ML back in the day! But I was really ready to go back and couldn't have stood 14 months. I needed my brain work and independence. I was a better parent for working.

So don't feel guilty. Think that you are doing the best you can to give your child the best mix of security: love and financial security. Poverty's no fun.

And sheesh! Do people do this to fathers? I think not.

SayThisOnlyOnce · 16/06/2015 08:26

I've always worked full time with 1 x 4 months mat leave and 1 x 8 months.

IT WILL BE FINE. Obvs its hard work but what isn't?! My tolerance for people asking SFQs has gone down rapidly over the years. 'Yes well we've found a lovely nursery and we do have bills to pay...' to 'Sadly I didn't buy a house for 50p in 1981 - my mortgage is £2k a month of course I need to work'

I find there's a certain set of people I meet via work who have NO idea what house prices are like these days. Usually their wives 'brought up' their children whilst they sat at work where their Secretary ran their work life. Sometimes the fools even dare to ask me 'is your DH babysitting' but most of them have learnt better now over the years of knowing me!!!

Good luck OP you will be fine and so will your baby (and your next baby)

SenoraHolland · 16/06/2015 08:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nolim · 16/06/2015 08:35

As you op i am the main earner so i had no choice. But given the choice i would still work ft. I am not cut out to be a sahm. Working allowes me to recharge batteries and i value more the time i spend with dc. I am a better parent being a working parent.

At the end of mat leave at play groups and such other mums would ask are you going back to work, how many days etc and when i said ft they were and asked if my employer denied my flexible work request. Erm no there was no request. I enjoy my job. My dp has never been asked this obviously

Your baby will be fine. Childcare is not abuse ffs.

morelikeguidelines · 16/06/2015 08:43

I am back ft, went back when ds was 7 months.

It will be fine. You might even enjoy having the adult company and lunch break! I like my job too so that is a bonus - is it something you enjoy doing?

Children do well in good quality childcare so don't worry. Or is dh able to be a sahp some of the time? Sounds like he should be from what you say. Then she is.with her parent so you really don't have to worry!

GwenStacy · 16/06/2015 08:47

They're twats. I am getting the opposite at the moment - "don't you think it'd do E good to have a working mother as a role model? Don't you want to be able to afford some classes for her to do?"

Whatever someone else did with regards to child raising is obviously wrong. Yes it'll be hard, yes you'll probably miss her - but you need to do what's right for you and your family.

HazleNutt · 16/06/2015 08:52

I went back FT when DC1 was 14 weeks (and yes BF unit he was 10 months), and will do the same for DC2. Part time just would not make sense in my line of work - as others have said, it would mean less money for the same amount of work.

People will always judge. Full time and you're a selfish mother who should not have had kids in the first place. Part time and colleagues will think they have to pick up your slack, make comments about your 'days off' and you're still a selfish mother because you don't want to stay at home. SAHM, and you're lazy and poor DH, has to be responsible for all the income.

A mother's place is in the wrong!

Skiptonlass · 16/06/2015 08:52

I just don't get this need people have to slam others parenting choices. I think it comes from a sense of insecurity in their own choices to be honest. The only people I know in the UK who badmouth sahms/ working mums are those who are unhappy with the choices they made.

Just to give you a view from the other side of the fence, here in Sweden I know precisely zero sahm mums/dads. The script here is that you get great parental leave (and plenty of men take it) but then the kid goes to kindergarten and you go back to work. Kindergarten is seen as an essential step in teaching them how to interact with others properly - formal schooling starts much later here. It's seen as depriving them to keep them at home and away from other kids. Kindergartens here are staffed by degree level staff and frankly, look great fun. There are even forest based ones if you're into that kind of thing.

That's the cultural norm here and kids seem happy, well behaved and well adjusted. I think your kids will be just fine and this is more about how you feel and the circles you move in. If you're going against the grain of your social environment there will always be those that comment. Ignore them, see if you can get a work pattern that fits you better.

OpalQuartz · 16/06/2015 09:03

Sahms don't keep their children away from other kids!

PeppermintInfusion · 16/06/2015 09:14

^^ Exactly what Skipton said- the only people that bad mouth you are people who insecure/regret their own choices.

I'm going back after around 7m mat leave soon, I wasn't in my job long enough for the enhanced ML or even SMP, I could only stay off due to savings from redundancy but even in my last job there was no enhanced package so I'd always intended 6m type of ML.
People insinuate or even outright ask such bold questions about my parenting choices and even financial situation. I used to get so annoyed hearing them always says "only"6 months or people say 'surely you don't need to work' or imply I mustn't like having a child etc.
I've loved ML and being a mum, more than I ever thought, but it can't last forever and normal life needs to resume at some point.
Would it be possible to even work from home a day a week? That's what I do and although I'll still need childcare that day, no commute saves time, I can leave baby off later and collect earlier, and I use my lunch break to get stuff done that frees up my evening a bit.

HazleNutt · 16/06/2015 09:15

In countries where all other kids are in daycare, you would not find so many kids around to socialize with.

Sansarya · 16/06/2015 09:18

Just ignore them OP. I'm back at work 4 days a week after having DS and I really enjoy it. I had 14 months of maternity leave and honestly don't think I'd want to be a SAHM even if I could afford it as I find the endless nappy changes, cleaning up and tantrums really wearying so am happy to outsource to nursery!

DS loves nursery and is (touch wood!) a happy, healthy and outgoing little boy, and I really cherish the three full days I get to spend with him each week. Most of the women in my family gave up work after they had kids and can't understand why I don't want to do the same but I'm happy, DS is happy, DP is happy, so what's not to like about it?

And no one questions the choices men make after they have children, do they?

BIWI · 16/06/2015 09:21

It will - and you and she - will be fine. As tobysmum says up thread, it's only women who get criticised for this. Somehow it's nothing to do with the fathers

I went back when both of mine were 6 months old (we didn't have the same maternity leave provision back then), and have always been full time. It was difficult at times, and I took a step backwards for a couple of years to ensure I worked 9-5 instead of the crazy hours I'd been working previously. But I have always enjoyed my work and am always grateful that I went back full-time as it's been much easier to preserve not only my career but also my sense of self.

One thing I would counsel you to really focus on, though, is your childcare. Make sure it's not only the best you can afford, that fits around your and your DH's working lives, but also make sure that you have contingency plans (and contingency plans for when your contingency plans fail!) for when things go awry - because they will, at some point!

Good luck, and ignore those who are judging you. It's nothing to do with them.

Marynary · 16/06/2015 09:24

People have got no right to "disapprove" of the fact that you will be working full time or judge you for it but are you sure that they all are? It may be that you are seeing it that way because you feel unhappy and guilty about going back full time?

Anyway, your baby will be fine whatever you do as long as they are at a good nursery/childminder. My eldest really loved nursery once she had settled in. She still has fond memories over ten years later.

grumpysquash · 16/06/2015 09:27

Hi Patty,
I have always worked full time (have 3DC). There are many reasons: 1. need the money, 2. wanted to maintain a career, 3. (related to 2) the line of work I am in doesn't really lend itself to part time working, 4. I enjoy what I do and wanted to continue.

Ultimately, the success of going back ft really depends on how much you want to do it. If you don't want to be there, it won't work. DD will be fine, as many others have said :)

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