Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of people questioning me going back to work full time after mat leave

129 replies

PattyHewesnomore · 15/06/2015 21:02

I am due back to work next week after having 13 months off mat leave. I have loved every moment and wish I didn't have to go back.
I am the main earner at home (I used savings to fund my mat leave) we have a mortgage of £2k per month alongside all the other expenses, there really is no choice.
On top of that I don't think work would allow me to go part time even if I wanted to. I am so sad at the thought of leaving my dd who I haven't been apart from for longer than 4 hrs ever.
I feel judged when people ask if I am going back full time, then raise their eyebrows, visibly wince or tell me how they could never do it. Not one person has said anything positive at all so please Mnetters tell me it will be ok?!?

OP posts:
Original poster
PattyHewesnomore · 15/06/2015 21:21

I have negotiated a phased return over 6 weeks, 3 weeks at 3days and 3 at 4 to hopefully ease us in.

OP posts:
froggyjump · 15/06/2015 21:22

I'm still the one who does bath and bedtime, and the one he wants when he has hurt himself

DS3 that is, not DH.....

NinkyNonkers · 15/06/2015 21:23

Your daughter will be fine. All we can do as parents is do the best we can in our individual circumstances. People have no right to comment!

StandoutMop · 15/06/2015 21:31

I went back ft when dc1 was 7 months old because I wanted to. Maybe I'm oblivious but I didn't feel judged. I didn't feel guilty either. I found a great nursery and dc1 (and later dc2) both thrived there.

If you have to go back, you have to go back. Ignore the face pullers, ideals are lovely but don't pay bills. You love your child, they will still have time you. It will be OK.

StoppingByTheWoods · 15/06/2015 21:32

It's hard going back when they're small as you are very attached to them. But after a few weeks at work you get used to it .

I used to make sure the time I spent with DS after work was quality time. I neglected the non-urgent housework. I often found I spent more time actually focused on DS than when I was off on maternity leave. When I was with him all day it was lovely but I'd often be focused on other things like cleaning rather than totally focused on him

Feathernest · 15/06/2015 21:33

Hi Patty, just wanted to say it will honestly be fine. I was in a similar position, had hardly left baby with anyone and couldn't imagine how she would settle at nursery. And she just did. She seemed happy there pretty much straight away, I couldn't believe it and I pretty much just slotted back into my old job as if I'd never been away, which I think kind-of helps in making it feel normal not to have the baby with you. They are honestly so much more adaptable than you realise and you are stronger than you think, you can do this! And as for everyone else, well fuck em. Maybe in the future you can get something part-time if you want to, but in the meantime you have to work with what you've got. Would just say, I don't know what you do, but is it possible to do some work remotely? I log on from home in the evenings, work from home occasionally which all really helps in giving me more time with DD. Good luck, it's going to be ok x

Raveismyera · 15/06/2015 21:34

So far I haven't had any comments apart from MIl who is clearly itching to say something. She asked when I was going back and I said "I have to decide next mont whether it's 6 or 9 months" she said "I would go for 9, don't you think?" LOL. Like it's a straight choice and not a case of having to pay for the extra 3 months

Deliaskis · 15/06/2015 21:38

I went back to work FT at 6 months and on balance I do not regret it. DD is in nursery 2 days a week and with GPs the rest of the time. I think the first year or two were hardest as that is when I had the most guilt about it, as well as the most challenges e.g. DD catching all sorts of bugs etc. from nursery, plus it also feels like other people are usurping the parenting more, as they can do the nappy changing/feeding, wind the bobbin up etc. just as well as you can. But DD never had any doubt about who her parents were, and where she belonged. She's 4 now and will start school in September, and I know she loves our time together at weekends and during holidays. We can truly spend time focussing on her at the weekends and we love our family time.

If anything I wish that I could go PT now so I could support her more at school, with homework, playdates, etc.

You have to make the decision that is right for you and your family situation, and it does annoy me when people wince or raise an eyebrow and judge. And it's another thing that nobody ever seems to question men about, only women.

JassyRadlett · 15/06/2015 21:39

People can be utter fuckers if you don't follow their script.

I went back at 7 months and DH did the rest of the parental leave. We needed my wage more. And it was fine. I do slightly compressed hours, as does DH, DS is at nursery four days a week and is happy, well-adjusted, bright and articulate. I've progressed in my career since going back to work to the point where I can dictate my own flexibility more.

I promise, it's just fine. The first few weeks back can be really tough, but once it settles down it's brilliant.

The thing I do make sure of is taking one week's holiday a year just to hang out at home with DS - just the two of us. It's lovely.

MsVestibule · 15/06/2015 21:40

I had this when I went back full time after my first child. "Oh, do you need to work FT?" "I think it's awful when women work FT when they have small children" - the latter being unaware that I worked FT.

After DC2, I became a SAHM and received a ton of snidey comments then, too. I couldn't win. The only acceptable thing to do is work PT. The rest of us are child neglecters or shirkers.

As with most of us, you're doing what's right for your family, even if it's not the perfect solution.

echt · 15/06/2015 21:40

I'm 60 now and can't think of a woman I worked with or was part of my social circle who didn't go back full-time before their child was 12 months old. I should say none was hard up or a single parent. The children's, all grown-up now, seem quite normal to me.

Next time someone pulls face or passes comment, ask them for loan.

echt · 15/06/2015 21:40

Children's?

ilovelamp2 · 15/06/2015 21:44

I went back full time in the same managerial role I had before mat leave. I love my job but we do also need the money! So happy that I had to go back, if that makes sense? I have so many more opportunities available now which I just wouldn't have had if I could have afforded part time work.

Being a parent is full time, regardless of how many hours you work outside the home. As other posters have said, just make sure you use every minute you can for fun time together. If funds allow, outsource all the stuff someone else can do - gardener, cleaner, on line shopping. Yes - it costs money but it buys you time.

It will be better than fine - make it great! Good luck and try not to worry.

OhItsYouAgain · 15/06/2015 21:46

OP, no advice but am in the same situation. I go back to work full time in two weeks - DD will be 7 months. I am really dreading it but I've got no choice. Sorry if it's no help but just wanted you to know you're not alone feeling the way you do. Flowers

32percentcharged · 15/06/2015 21:47

I returned to work part time (3 days a week) when dc1 was 12 weeks old. I had people tell me back then 'goodness, I couldn't do that', closely followed by 'aren't you still breastfeeding?' (Answer: yes)
I returned to work full time the day my youngest started reception class (cue people saying: 'goodness, won't you miss not being at the school gate?')
All this was years ago. My now grown up children are happy and well adjusted. They also have two parents with careers and who each know how to cook, clean and run a home.
IME some people find it threatening when others aren't doing the same as they are. And there can be a peculiarly competitive thing going on among a minority of mothers who try to measure successful parenting by whether mum is within touching distance of her children 24/7. Strangely, they don't ever measure the dad's parenting in the same way.

It will be fine. You will quickly get into a routine and find out that there are many ways to be a good, loving, involved parent.

Babayaggatheboneylegged · 15/06/2015 21:49

I went back to work full time when my DD was 10 months old. It was soiner than I'd planned to go back but I was made redundant on mat leave so when I was quickly offered a new job I felt I had to accept it as I work in a beleaguered industry.

I would have LOVED to have gone back four days and had been in talks with my previous employer about doing compressed hours, but new employer said a condition of the job was that I had to do five days.

It's been two years now and we have survived! I found getting a cleaner was a godsend - by doing five days I could justify the cost and it means I get to spend the whole weekend just doing nice stuff with my family.

it is hard at times. You have to really try to space out and sort of maximise your holidays. I had a difficult time between sept and Xmas last year when I felt like my life was a never-ending treadmill because I couldn't take any holiday in that time.

I'm now pregnant again and on my return plan to ask to do a nine-day fortnight on my return, so I'd do an extra hour a day and get every other Friday off. My company also does holiday buy and sell and I'll buy as many extra days as possible.

Since going back I have felt so jealous of people (almost everyone it seems, with this thread doing little to disabuse that perception) who are able to go back part time. It just wasn't an option for me. But maybe your work would do compressed hours or sell you some extra holiday?

My main advice would be, don't waste your time on guilt! You and your child will survive. It'll be the only reality you both know and your child certainly won't have any notion of 'missing out'.

Try to make the best of the situation you have. Use the extra money you'll earn to do lovely things with your DC and treat yourself to a cleaner if possible. And find good childcare that you are totally happy with.

You are not alone! And if anyone implies you are somehow doing a disservice to your DC by not working part time they are not worth your time. If only we could all be lucky enough to work flexibly.

Original poster
PattyHewesnomore · 15/06/2015 21:52

Just wanted to say thank you for all the supportive responses. Has given me a boost.

OP posts:
Original poster
PattyHewesnomore · 15/06/2015 21:52

And I already have a cleaner sorted Wink

OP posts:
fullsuspension · 15/06/2015 21:54

I think other people's comments are bothering you because this isn't really what you would choose - if you felt more positive about the situation I suspect it would be more water off a ducks back.

Probably the best thing to do is remind yourself that these judgy types would also be the first to be appalled if you got repossessed or made bankrupt do they can't have it both ways.

11 years ago I went back to work full time when DS was 13 weeks old as my DH had a variable income and although it wasn't what I would have chosen it was a lot better than the alternative

Most importantly DS thrived and now has a wonderful relationship with his 2 childminders from the time who are very much extra aunties.

Do what is right for your family and genuine bollox to everyone else

ItMustBeBunnies · 15/06/2015 21:55

I'm the main (and now sole) earner in our house. I did 3 days a week when DS was 7 months for the summer term, had a year at 4 days per week, then went up to full time.

I had a few comments and raised eyebrows, but just said 'we need the money'. I've found FT has been the least disruptive for DS as he has a more predictable routine rather than him not understanding if I'm working that day or not. DH is a SAHD, which helps.

DS and I have a very deep bond, which working FT has not affected in the slightest.

Original poster
PattyHewesnomore · 15/06/2015 21:57

You are right it isn't what I want at all, I want to win the euro millions and stay home with my baby...
Seriously it's not just a financial issue, we could afford 4 days I think but I don't think it would be allowed and I would be marking my cards by asking.
Also, I would like to have another dc
So I will retain my full maternity benefit if I stay full time so it's a decision for the future too.

OP posts:
Lweji · 15/06/2015 22:00

It's fine.
I worked full time from 16 weeks.

If they sound judgy to you, ask them if they would say the same to a man.

manicinsomniac · 15/06/2015 22:30

Good grief, some people are ridiculous and judgemental.

You and your child will be absolutely fine.

With my younger 2 I went back to work when they were 2 months old. I'm a single parent so not working full time simply isn't an option - therefore there's no point in thinking about it.

ilovelamp2 · 15/06/2015 22:56

Definitely a decision for the future and not just now - well said Patty! And thumbs up for the cleaner!

Preciousbane · 16/06/2015 06:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.