To be sick of people questioning me going back to work full time after mat leave

[PattyHewesnomore]

I am due back to work next week after having 13 months off mat leave. I have loved every moment and wish I didn't have to go back.
I am the main earner at home (I used savings to fund my mat leave) we have a mortgage of £2k per month alongside all the other expenses, there really is no choice.
On top of that I don't think work would allow me to go part time even if I wanted to. I am so sad at the thought of leaving my dd who I haven't been apart from for longer than 4 hrs ever.
I feel judged when people ask if I am going back full time, then raise their eyebrows, visibly wince or tell me how they could never do it. Not one person has said anything positive at all so please Mnetters tell me it will be ok?!?

I went back 3 days when dd was 9 months old. Whilst I loved the time with her, I felt completely unfulfilled professionally. Despite still having a managerial role, I felt completely out of the loop, and like I just didn't care about what happened at work, which in itself is most unlike me and made me unhappy. We couldn't really afford it either, so when she was 18 months I went full time. I'm lucky that I'm a teacher so I still have a lot of holidays with her, but I can honestly say we're all happier now. Dd gets brilliant developmental input 3 days a week at nursery, and we're lucky that my mum does the other 2 days. Because I trust nursery so much, at the weekends I feel no guilt if we just bum about in front of the telly or spend all day in the park without doing jigsaws and painting and learning!! I do feel judged by the older generation, and I sometimes let the guilt get to me. But then I remind myself that nobody judged men who work full time. People at work, and my age, seem to just think I'm Wonder Woman and I'm happy to leave them with that impression!

Can't you preempt these people?

'Yes, I'm going back full time because I have no choice and I'm feeling quite upset and worried about it'

Then hopefully they should respond with sympathy rather than judginess.

Hey! I know what you mean - I went back after 10 months on mat leave last September (2014). The first couple of weeks were challenging but other than that it's been amazing. Is there any kind of support network that you can tap into (apart from this one of course!)? I didn't have anything so found myself a mentor who has two children and has worked f/t, p/t - so has a lot of experience which I have found very inspiring. This could help with your transition back and helping you to feel happy about your decision to go back f/t.

I was back p-t very early indeed and back f-t at 6 months. DD is fine and thriving. I get lovely quality time with her in the mornings and evenings and I make sure I'm back to do bath / bedtimes, and that I do the majority of the night shifts (she doesn't sleep through yet). Weekends I try not to have to touch any work at all unless there is an extreme emergency. I'm lucky that maybe one or two days in the week I can get out early and get an extra hour or so in with her, then make up the hours after she's asleep.

I don't regret working, because I love working and I will be a positive role model to her and because I am a far better parent when I am happy and fulfilled outside as well as inside the home. It wouldn't work for everyone but it works well for us.

The people who were most horrified that I went back so early are now beginning to feel stifled so it seems there is no 'right' choice.

I have a 26 month old, I'm seven months pregnant, I work full time and I travel. I was away four nights last week and four nights this week. I'm sure people judge me, just wouldn't dare to my face. They'd get a hard stare if they commented openly on how my family organises itself.

The fact some of them "could never do it" is presumably because they are inadequates. Some people are hardly even able to get to the shops on time and cannot organise a piss up in a brewery, never mind work.

You could say "Yes I'm lucky to have a successful career and am in an equal marriage where we both regard children are our responsibility. If there any guidance I can give you in your own marriage to help you obtain the opportunities I have for my family and children which you are denied by the sexism of your own set up?"

That might take the wind out of their silly sails.

I agree with you Lotus re sexism. I heard a colleague say the other day that he and his partner won’t have another child because it would mean that she would have to give up work and stay at home with the kids as the childcare cost would outweigh her salary. He isn’t someone I would say is sexist but it never even occurred to him that he could be the one who stayed at home for a while!

But Sansarya he might earn more than her so it would make even less sense for him to do that. It isn't sexist to say what he said - just often a fact. In fact i think he sounds the opposite of sexist if her career is more important to him than having another baby. The childcare costs of me working would outweigh my salary too so me giving up work was a sacrifice i had to make, the family couldn't afford dh to give up his work and live on my meagre wages either so the decision to have children is mine, knowing all the consequences to myself ie no pension, no job satisfaction, no life outside the home, being unemployable by the time the children go to school etc. Nothing to do with being inadequate.

Yes, but why do so many of the women pick low paid work? We don't have worse brains. Are families saying to girls don't bother about good jobs as you'll find a husband to keep you. Follow your passion/dream into ceramic arts and a man will provide whereas they push their sons to lucrative banking, accountancy jobs and the like. Daughter becomes nurser or care home worker and son becomes surgeon or other better paid job?

It's a teenager issues as much as anything else and perhaps also an issue of whether women are prepared to marry men who earn less than they do or whether even if they do not realise it they are after meal tickets not what they might see as beta males.

I didn't choose low paid work (of course i'd much rather have been better paid). My family had very little to do with it. When i grew up you went to school and then you left and got a job. Boys as well as girls. It's not really a working class norm to do ceramic arts or to be a lucrative banker. (Altho i did go to university as an older student and do an arts subject, i never considered it to be vocational)

MrsKoala, sorry I should've specified that in this case the couple both earn about the same.

Both my husbands earned less than me when we met too btw (so not meal tickets). But within 3years they earned more.

Aaah i see, then they either couldn't afford to lose 50% of their income (and who could?) or neither of them wanted a baby enough to give up their career/job fulfilment. I respect that. DH wants more dc but would never give up his job for it, it would need to be as well as or not at all (even if we could afford it).

Indeed. Pay is a fascinating issue and so crucial in life. Why should it be a working class norm to leave school at 16 or 18 and take low paid work? Let us try to break through that and encourage working class bright girls to go for jobs where they can earn £100k a year. There is nothing special about me and my daughters that we can manage that - actually one of the girls is not quite on that yet - in her 20s but obviously will exceed that. It is just we chose it. It makes life easier too.

I'm not convinced being in a job in excess of 100k would make my life easier at all... but then I dont live in London.

That's fine. You might find life much easier on the minimum wage. All the less competition for those women keen to earn £100k a year if lots of women do not aim for it.

In fact in Wales a job was advertised at £50k and hardly any women but loads of men applied. They put the salary down to £25k and had loads of women applicants as so many women think they are useless and not worth much, more fool them.

Don't let them get you down.

I went back to work years ago with my first...4 days then up to 5 days. We made it work because we had to for the income. It was hard at times - guilt/judgement/comparison/time took their toll. However we are coming out the other side and it was worth it. I have looked after our family through redundancy and tough times with my salary and also managed to further my career. I now find myself with options that I wouldn't have had had I left - flexible working on a good salary + long term bens. Do what's right for you and what you have to. In my experience someimes you have to play a longer game ... All the best with it.

I went back to work full time when dd was 7mo. Bills need to be paid, and to be honest, I need my career to progress so that its worth all the work I put in before having her.
People can be thoughtless, my best friend regularly makes throwaway comments about how she loves spending her 2 days in the week with her son (she works 3 days) and how she couldn't possibly miss out on him and he wouldn't cope for that many days at nursery. I have a thick skin and realise that we don't all have the luzury of a high earning partner, so need to contribute fully financially to the household.
Your child will love you and know no different

I worked full time from when DS was four months old, not by choice,sort of everything was fine! He has Monday and Tuesday in nursery. Wednesday and Thursday with GP's, Friday with me and the Saturday morning with DP whilst I teach the community classes. (I work over Wednesday and Thursday so I can have Friday off)

It works for us. It's helped DS no end and were increasing his nursery days to four in preparation for school. He loves being there! Cries when I take him home

You will both be fine. In fact you will be bothered by your DD won't.

It's none if their business. Don't let it get to you. I am in a similar position. You will find your feet with it. I went back full time after both my DDs and there are some advantages. Your career doesn't suffer as much, housework has to be shared fairly, the money sure helps keep a roof over your heads. Their reactions are about them not you.

Yes there are down sides (I'm always running short of clean knickers. ...) and you'll miss your DC. But this is the decision you have had to make so stand proud. Life is about compromises.

There is a big difference between 100k and the minimum wage .

I think that's a little simplistic Lotus. The salary of a job is often the largest indicator of the expectations of your commitment, time and ability. I got a job once which the job spec described exactly what i had done in my previous 2 jobs but the salary was double. It was horrendous. I couldn't complete the tasks, it was obvious from day one i had no fucking clue what i was doing. After 3 weeks i was called in and told i was shit and had misrepresented myself. It was dreadful.

Also DH is being headhunted for jobs on double his wage now but we know that they would expect lots of travel, 3am phone meetings, working 24/7 all year round including xmas day (like his last job). All this was fine before the dc, but now it is not desirable at all. The job description to what he does now is exactly the same, just the salary is different. If people pay that, they want their monies worth.

Some companies do pay more than others though koala. I could easily find a job doing the same as I do for 30% less money, I dont have particularly outrageous demands made on me most of the time is the truth.

Yes, i know that (i used to work in recruitment) is sometimes the case. DH could earn more and travel further for a similar job. But once you added up commuting times and costs it wouldn't make enough of a difference to be worth his while. The biggest difference we have found is the American/international companies pay way way more, but they really expect more too.