To be sick of people questioning me going back to work full time after mat leave

[PattyHewesnomore]

I am due back to work next week after having 13 months off mat leave. I have loved every moment and wish I didn't have to go back.
I am the main earner at home (I used savings to fund my mat leave) we have a mortgage of £2k per month alongside all the other expenses, there really is no choice.
On top of that I don't think work would allow me to go part time even if I wanted to. I am so sad at the thought of leaving my dd who I haven't been apart from for longer than 4 hrs ever.
I feel judged when people ask if I am going back full time, then raise their eyebrows, visibly wince or tell me how they could never do it. Not one person has said anything positive at all so please Mnetters tell me it will be ok?!?

You'll be fine OP. I went back to work f/t when mine were 4 months and they are strapping teenagers now and doing very well! I didn't even need to go back financially (DH earns far more than me) but I wanted to maintain my career and to be honest, I was glad to escape the baby stage and baby groups. I only had to deal with the dc at weekends and just put them to bed when I got home during the week.

I agree with a pp about increasing time away from dd now, by the time I had mine in nursery they were used to having a night away from us once a week so were not so clingy.

There is no magic formula to a perfect family set up- and it's no one else's business what you do! If bills need to be paid then money needs to be earned! Your dd will be totally fine- you will find it hard but once she's settled at nursery it will be her new normal and she'll love it! Of the hundreds of kids I have met over the years there has been no link at all between hours their mum worked and their happiness- unless of course they absolutely never ever had time for them but that's not what you are suggesting with 5 days.

Your child will be fine (I worked f/t 8m then Job Share for three years from when DD2 was 21m -DH unemployed) then f/t for 15 years.My DDs have turned out fine but I do feel it took its toll on me, healthwise, though I enjoyed my satisfying job It is undoubtedly exhausting . And not something I would have done from choice . P/t was fine-gave me a break and maintained career prospects . I would urge you to pursue a Job Share ifyou can. .Employers have to have a v strong business case to turn you down.

Not one person has said anything positive at all so please Mnetters tell me it will be ok?!?

It will be a great lesson for your DD - that women don't have to stay at home and can have powerful careers and motherhood coincide.

There have been lots of positive comments!

Undoubtedly i think that longlistofexlovers was quoting the original post.

Oh sorry

What do all the eyebrow raisers and wincers think you should do?

Live on the street? Claim benefits?

Oh yes live off your man.

It's the 21st century for goodness sake! Women earn money too - apparently around 1/5 of women are the main breadwinner in their families. Ignore the wincers and do what's best for your family and you. And remember, that situations change. I worked 4 days a week from when my ds was 7 months old to 2 years old. Then I worked full-time until he was 9. Since then I have worked part-time and found I could afford to, mainly because I didn't have nursery fees, only a bit of holiday childcare/activities to pay for. Husband does flexible hours as well so one of us is always home. So having to work full-time might not be forever.

I bet no-one's asked your husband the same question have they?

I went back to work FT when DD1 was 3 months, and with DD2 when she turned 5 1/2 months. This was for a mix of reasons, both financial and because I didn't want to fall behind in my career. Also, I love my job. There was a difficult period at the start, and of course I really missed them, but on the other hand I loved the freedom from being at work and having some peace / being in a clean office / space to myself on my lunch break etc. I expressed for several months and that was fine too.

Both times I had critical comments from a few people, but in most cases I realised that people were just trying to find validation for their own (different) choices, and so I smiled and said "this works for us" or "I love being back at work" which sometimes threw them a bit! The most important thing is finding childcare that you and your children are happy with, and making the most of your time together. I found that my relationship with both my children and DH improved when I went back to work, as I was more happy and felt more motivated when at home too.

My children stay up a bit later than usual, and we all have dinner together at 7pm, so I do see them for around 2 hours every evening. This works well for us. Wishing you all the best OP!

I agree about focusing on them when not at work too. now my second dd is older I also agree that they don't need you less as they get older - the types of support change but it is a total myth there is an ideal time to go back to work, you've just got to go in with a positive attitude. Don't tell yourself it'll be hard either, my dd likes nursery and I focus on the positives where I can

I took 2 weeks annual leave and worked until went into labour then back full time each time. Works brilliantly. Expressed milk at work.
Why worry about other people? Going back quickly means less trauma for the baby than a later return and tends to mean you do better for your child. Nothing does a child as much good as a mother who earns a lot and is happy. My 5 are more than happy I work and always have been. It has also meant they've been at private schools from age 3 - 18 and then went to university without any student debt and have been helped to buy a first property. Thsi is what can be achieved when women work. Also the girls are high paid lawyers because their example at home was women work rather than women stay home and serve the needs of men.

Dear Patty, I had precisely the same thing 7 years ago when I was coming off mat leave and DH was finding contracts hard to get because of the deepening recession. I was forever having to justify myself to people, mostly women, as to why I was going back f/t. I got very cross about it in the end - it didn't seem to matter what I said, up to the point where I mentioned I was the breadwinner, and then, oddly, people backed down. DS went to nursery from 6 months and is the most social, confident chatterbox you ever saw or heard so it didn't seem to have any deleterious effects on him.

I still work f/t, only have the one child and though my job will never be part/time or job share (I'm in a bit of a niche career) it is now flexible enough to allow me to work mostly the hours I want and nobody complains about me vanishing occasionally for school stuff. It's only the coffee mornings for school mums that make me occasionally wish I was p/t but then there's flexi-time and annual leave for those.

So don't worry about what others say, it's all about what works for YOUR family. Tell them this! Don't give anyone permission to make you feel guilty!

I think other people's comments are bothering you because this isn't really what you would choose - if you felt more positive about the situation I suspect it would be more water off a ducks back.

^^ this^^^

People often say oh I couldn't have..... Not at all helpful. You can do one of three things indulge them by defending your choices or say with a big smile "gosh that's so helpful telling me that when I have no choice. Cheers"/ thank you thats so helpful to know. Alternatively just ignore.

"I didn't fancy the 20/40/60% paycut for doing a FT job in part-time hours" has always worked for me.
That and "Have you asked DH that question?" Long hard stare.

The thing is, the women you meet are not working full time!

Unfortunately, by becoming a parent you also became an easy target to judge. If you would say 'I want to be a stay at home mum' then some other mums would judge you. I retrained to be a child minder after DS2 and you would not believe the amount of time I've heard 'I could never do that... changing baby's nappies all day' or 'I don't know how you do it, it would drive me up the wall speaking baby language all day'. Whatever you choose to do, you will be judged - just nod, laugh, or ignore.

Some people see what people say as a conversation starter and give their own personal take as part of the conversation. I consider this quite normal and not particularly judgemental ('you are going to go to Turkey in August - i could never do that - too hot for me' 'you are doing a bungee jump - i could never do that - i'm a chicken' 'you are going back to work full time - i could never do that - we can't afford it' etc).

It only feels like a judgement if you are not confident in your decision. Surely if you know this is right for you then it doesn't matter what they say. Do you think you could be being a bit sensitive to what is merely an opinion? Do people not have different opinions to you about many things?

Perhaps these people, presumably your friends and loved ones, are just having a conversation with you and think you might just be having a normal chat. I know i would.

I went back at 4m with ds1 (was only on SMP and we had a mortgage to pay!) and got this from uni friends of DH who had all gone back p/t, but I was glad to go back and work was a rest compared to a baby who was on the go constantly and didn't sleep at night!

Took longer with ds2 as was on contractual maternity pay and went back after a year, again f/t. I see my p/t colleagues and they all end up trying to do a f/t job in p/t hours for p/t pay.

Hi OP I was reading your thread on my way to work and just popped back to post - hope you are feeling heartened by all the
support.
I have two DC and went back at 6 months 4 days a week both times.
It has been a wrench both times emotionally but ultimately it's been the right thing all round - I think I appreciate work mode and parent mode both more this way.
What I wanted to say really was that what helped me to cope with it all was -
1.Telling people my plans positively so they didn't say things like 'oh how can you do that ' 'you poor thing' etc they just seemed to accept my decision more.

1. Phased return ( see you have that covered!)
2. Planning my first week off ASAP / breaking the year into little chunks so I was always planning the next break with DC ( even if not a holiday!)
3. Telling myself it isn't forever - if you have another mat leave you will be able to spend more time with DC ( though I still sent my eldest to nursery oops !)

You don't have to work this pattern forever - we are aiming to move house and I may be in a position to reduce my work days to be around after school (DC1 starts this year)

Good luck

If I write the 100 reasons babies do better when mothers work full time some sta\y at home mothers weep into their hankies (but only those not secure in their choices) so I won't dredge up the list but don't underestimate it's veracity. Stay home and damage the child can be a very good and true catch phrase.

From now on I've decided when anyone asks/sneers about me working, I'm going to sing that new song at them,

I'VE GOT BILLS
I GOT TO PAY
SO I'M GONNA WORK WORK WORK EVERYDAY

I am shit at singing. That will teach the bastards.

but only those not secure in their choices

But that's the point really isn't it. A lot of women have no choice one way or the other. I had no choice but to stay at home. It was that or have no children. I'd love to work but get lots of comments from people about me being lazy etc. But the reality is i have no choice, so i can't let it bother me.

Please do post it Lotus, i'd be interested to read all the reasons.

you can never win! I was nagged for years too, get a job, get a better job, go full time.

My aunt recently said to me that I should get a career so taht I have an identity. I like her but that's her view of life. My identity isn't reliant on a job.

I went back FT when DD was 4 months old. That was the ML allowed at the time. I compromised a fair bit - DH would take DD to crèche and I would collect her. We booked her into a crèche near us at work - so she commuted with us everyday.

It is tough at the start while you get back into work mode, and also get your own new systems set up to suit the new family dynamic (compared to what you were able to do before ML). But get ruthlessly organized, do as much as possible at night once the baby is in bed (organizing bag of clothes and food for crèche/minder, organizing your own lunches, keeping on top of laundry and housework, prepping the following night's dinner, laying out clothes and breakfast stuff for morning etc). So that when you get up in the morning, you get ready and have a few minutes together rather than rushing too much. And when you get in at night, you turn on pots for dinner but don't have to start peeling and chopping as well. Learn to feed the freezer with batch cooked dinners (especially pasta sauces, curries or stews) and buy foods for convenience midweek (so some nights you have fresh pasta and a jar of decent sauce and add fresh veggies and meat to that - which is fast and easy rather than doing elaborate meals mid week). Have her sat up in the high chair near you, chatting and maybe munching on some finger foods while you are preparing dinner (for you all or just DH and you while she is feeding herself/you helping her feed herself her own dinner). If she is walking, get her to help you with moving laundry or giving you pegs or handing you a tshirt to put on the line, or give her the baby brush while you have the sweeping brush (admittedly that last may require a second sweep later).

I also found I got along much better once I decided to look at the positives I had, and how to ignore certain things until after DD was in bed - rather than wishing away the time I did have when she was awake.

Thanks for all the lovely supportive comments.
My plan is to have 1/2 hr with dd in the morning before I leave for work, she is up early and still breastfeeding! I will be leaving work in time to be able to pick her up, do dinner and bedtime too so we will get some time together everyday.
Interesting what some posters have said about feeling their children needed them more at primary age onwards, a couple of friends of mine have said the same thing so am hoping to work towards a 4 day week in three years or so