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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To completely change how I feel about DH of 12 years in an instant?

236 replies

Acunningruse · 12/06/2015 10:24

DH and I have been together for 12 years married for 8, have a 2.5 year old DS and are TTC no.2. Until last weekend I would have said we were completely happy, possibly more loved up than your average couple with a toddler, lucky that we have babysitters so can go out.

Last weekend we attending a wedding far away from home. DH had been drinking on the day of the wedding but not a massive amount, maybe 7 pints from 12 til 12. He then slept from 1 til 8.30 (ds was at gparents)I hadn't been drinking so the next morning I drove us to gparents to pick Ds up and have lunch there. When we left I automatically sat in passenger seat out of habit but then made to move but DH said no im fine to drive dont worry.

We drove for about an hour, I was reading a magazine and turning round to talk to Ds in the back when I felt the car swerve towards the crash barrier, we were in outside lane. I shouted abd then DH swung wheel the other way so we were then in inside lane. Thank god nothing was in that lane. I was screaming what are you doing whats happening and DH said he had started to fall asleep at the wheel. he pulled over at nexrt junction and I was crying and I was crying and screaming I just keep thinking we could have been killed, Ds was in the back, if a car had been in the inside lane theres novway he would have survived we were doing 70mph.

DH has been so apologetic since he is genuinely remorseful he cries every time he looks at Ds I know hes thinking what could have happened. But I just can't get over it. I just don't understand how it could have happened, I am so.upset and angry and feel like my feelings towards him have completely changed.

I have no idea what to do or if IABU

OP posts:
Laquitar · 12/06/2015 21:39

I find your phrasing very odd OP.

'He nearly kill ME'.

It is interesting that you keep talking about YOU and your child and not about your dh.

You ciuld have all been kilked or ... wait for this.... your dh could have been killed!!

Quite frankly in a similar situation -but no kids in the car- my immediate act was to hug him and stroke him and we kept asking each other 'are you ok?'.

You never mentioned once that you nearly lost him.
I think thats telling.

Loletta · 12/06/2015 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Redglitter · 12/06/2015 22:18

He nearly had an accident but didn't.
He didn't nearly kill you.

Ffs no one got hurt. You both made a bad judgement call. He got as big a fright as you did. Give him a break, what a serious over reaction. If you keep on like this he might be reviewing his feelings about you

Jux · 12/06/2015 22:51

You do seem to be focusing on him, and his error of judgement. Focus on your own error of judgement in letting him drive, for not realising that after a night of drinking and a big lunch that he would be too tired, you not putting your foot down and telling him it wasn't safe for him to drive.

He is no more to blame than you. Just remind yourself of your own part in it.

Nettymaniaa · 13/06/2015 05:56

I thinks it's shock. Can come out as anger, not necessarily justified. It will reduce over time. He doesn't seem to have done anything wrong. It was a bit of a perfect storm and he is sounds quite distressed about it. Maybe try acting as if you don't feel like that until your emotions settle.

FindoGask · 13/06/2015 06:55

My husband did something really unbelievably stupid a few years ago which resulted in a trip to A&E and several stitches in my 6 year old daughter's head (think a DIY type accident, not something violent) I was so angry with him that day, but not as angry as he was with himself. He vomited after we left for the hospital, he was so in shock.

People make mistakes because they're human and fallible. I know it's hard not to dwell on what the consequences could have been but I really think your husband's error of judgement was understandable - he would not have still been drunk by that time, he had a night's sleep, he would have just had a blood sugar slump after a big lunch. It's maybe all the scarier because not an obviously avoidable situation - but you have to find a way to try to stop being so angry with him, it's something anyone could have done.

Aridane · 13/06/2015 07:47

Your poor husband.

TheCatsMother99 · 13/06/2015 08:07

I feel for your husband. Sounds like he is torturing himself enough about this without having to have you twist the knife even more.

HootyMcTooty · 13/06/2015 08:19

I feel sorry for your husband. I'm sorry but you sound precious and hysterical.

Accidents happen sometimes when nobody is at fault and I wonder if you're going to reach to blame DH every time something bad happens.

My DH drives a lot for work and has, on occasion, nearly fallen asleep at the wheel. It's shockingly easy to do and he always pulls over to sleep for a few hours at the next services. If he did fall asleep at the wheel my first concern would be for him, not being angry at him.

I get that your DS was in the car and it's terrifying to think of the what ifs, but the fact is you're all fine, you're all here, safe and well. Your DH is torturing himself over this and, instead of reassuring him and moving past this, you're piling on the guilt.

pictish · 13/06/2015 08:26

IF your love for him is so fragile that an error of judgement that resulted in no actual harm switches it off, then you're right, you don't have the strong relationship you thought. But not because of this incident.

I must agree.

AldiQ7 · 13/06/2015 08:56

A few years ago, when DS was a baby, I accidentally left the stair gate open and he fell down the stairs, properly top to bottom tumbled down. Luckily he was absolutely fine, but I was just freaking out and kept crying for the rest of the day, imagining 'what if' and everything that you do.

I imagine that my DH was secretly screaming in his head 'you stupid cow, how could you forget to shut the gate', but he didn't say it. He just said 'don't worry, he is fine, it happens a lot I think' and gave me a hug.

If he had reacted the way that you are reacting to your DH, and a fucking week later as well, I can bloody well tell you now that it would be me changing the way I felt about him.

Have a grip from me, and go and give your DH a big cuddle. Poor bloke.

pictish · 13/06/2015 09:07

That's a good point actually OP - one day you yourself might have an error of judgement that results in a near miss. Going by conversations I've had with other parents, a lot of people have got a story of their own. You might think such a thing would never occur under your watch, bit so did everyone else until it happened to them.

Come back down to earth.

CrabbyTheCrabster · 13/06/2015 09:10

Delphinium that's absolute bollocks.

AyeAmarok · 13/06/2015 10:43

I think you are being too harsh. You will both have learnt a lesson from this that will stay with you for a very long time.

SocialMediaAddict · 13/06/2015 10:58

We drove back from a weekend away a few weeks ago. I didn't drink the night before but slept badly but felt absolutely fine as we left. Traffic was very slow on the M25 and I literally fell asleep at the wheel for 10 seconds. Thankfully didn't have an accident. My 3 kids were in the back.

DH immediately took over driving. He wasn't angry just worried. It scared the life out of me and I spent a few hours thinking what if?

I think you are being tough on him. If he was hungover you should have offered to drive.

Northernlurker · 13/06/2015 11:09

I'm with the posters who think the OP needs to get a bit of a hold of themselves. He made a mistake, no harm done. Get over it. You could make a mistake too one day. Part of marriage is forgiving each other and failure to forgive will long term be as toxic as any affair could ever be.

minkGrundy · 13/06/2015 11:36

OP there are systems you can get for your car that warn of lane drifting or excesdive blinking.

You will get over this given time. It was very recent.

And i tend to talk to dp when one of us is drving just to make sure both of us stay alert.

I am sure he learned his lesson. He loves his family he must be horrified.

GatoradeMeBitch · 13/06/2015 13:03

You posted this in shock OP, and your feelings were very justified, but you'll get past it.

And after reading a couple of responses I realize I'm back on screechy AIBU, where else would someone suggest that if you don't immediately forgive your DH for nearly wiping out his entire family he will have the right to be very angry with you? (I must stop using the Active thread.)

tonsofshit · 13/06/2015 13:09

Shock. But aside from shock YABU.

When you commit to spending your life with someone, unless they prove themselves to be a horrible person who doesn't give a crap about your feelings, you commit to trusting them. They are quite literally your "ride or die" buddy through good times and bad, sickness and health...

I don't think your DH has displayed any disregard for your feelings.

Northernlurker · 13/06/2015 13:44

It's been a week. A week! How is it ok for the OP to be so self indulgent and unforgiving of a mistake which had no consequences of note for so long?

Gabilan · 13/06/2015 14:35

"Going by conversations I've had with other parents, a lot of people have got a story of their own"

Friend of mine shut his 18mth old DS outside his house when he answered the door for a delivery. Didn't notice for quite a while though fortunately the kid stayed put and was completely unharmed. My parents let me fall off a bed and cut my head. They also left me unattended with my brother who scratched my face open - this was when I was a few weeks old. I have fuck all memory of either situation.

To be fair to the OP, in her last update she said she had been hugging and reassuring her husband it's just that's not what she immediately felt like doing.

MamaMotherMummy · 13/06/2015 15:13

Your husband needs your support. If you can reach beyond your own emotions into compassion, putting yourself in his shoes, it will do wonders for your relationship beyond this incident.

muminhants1 · 13/06/2015 17:15

I don't do much driving on motorways but by their very nature they are sleep-inducing. I remember being on the M74/A74(M) in Scotland and realising that the lorries in front of me were taking me a bit by surprise as I caught them up. We stopped at the next services and dh took over. You don't need to be hung over or even tired to get sleepy - that's why you should take a break every 2 hours. I find it easier to stay awake on the A roads.

If this feeling persists, I wonder if you've got a bit of PTSD and need to see your GP for advice?

IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou · 13/06/2015 17:21

It's been a week. A week! How is it ok for the OP to be so self indulgent and unforgiving of a mistake which had no consequences of note for so long?

It seems unbelievable to me, are there really such delicate flowers out there?

If this feeling persists, I wonder if you've got a bit of PTSD and need to see your GP for advice?

PTSD!! Confused Or you could just speak to a real life friend, and when they tell you you're being bloody ridiculous you might listen....

Gabilan · 13/06/2015 17:23

PTSD is what soldiers have after serving on battle fields, not what you get after someone changes lane unexpectedly on the motorway.

FFS.

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