To completely change how I feel about DH of 12 years in an instant?

[Acunningruse]

DH and I have been together for 12 years married for 8, have a 2.5 year old DS and are TTC no.2. Until last weekend I would have said we were completely happy, possibly more loved up than your average couple with a toddler, lucky that we have babysitters so can go out.

Last weekend we attending a wedding far away from home. DH had been drinking on the day of the wedding but not a massive amount, maybe 7 pints from 12 til 12. He then slept from 1 til 8.30 (ds was at gparents)I hadn't been drinking so the next morning I drove us to gparents to pick Ds up and have lunch there. When we left I automatically sat in passenger seat out of habit but then made to move but DH said no im fine to drive dont worry.

We drove for about an hour, I was reading a magazine and turning round to talk to Ds in the back when I felt the car swerve towards the crash barrier, we were in outside lane. I shouted abd then DH swung wheel the other way so we were then in inside lane. Thank god nothing was in that lane. I was screaming what are you doing whats happening and DH said he had started to fall asleep at the wheel. he pulled over at nexrt junction and I was crying and I was crying and screaming I just keep thinking we could have been killed, Ds was in the back, if a car had been in the inside lane theres novway he would have survived we were doing 70mph.

DH has been so apologetic since he is genuinely remorseful he cries every time he looks at Ds I know hes thinking what could have happened. But I just can't get over it. I just don't understand how it could have happened, I am so.upset and angry and feel like my feelings towards him have completely changed.

I have no idea what to do or if IABU

[IceBeing]

winter you don't get to decide what triggers someone else's (or your own) brain into malfunctioning. The stress / adrenaline surge of a near accident for one person at high speed could easily be larger than that caused by an actual accident in other circumstances to another person.

No one is saying the OP has PTSD. But equally no one can say the OP doesn't have PTSD - just because the same incident wouldn't have triggered it in them....

[HootyMcTooty]

How has this gone off on such a tangent? I don't think the OP will be back.

[GrumpyOldBiddy2]

Winter, I was just about to write exactly what you have written but not as eloquently.

[Midorichan]

You obviously feel he is a terrible man/husband/father. Just divorce him then if you now hate him so much for his horrific negligence.

[WinterOfOurDiscountTents15]

Of course there are different degrees of PTSD, and a serious car crash could cause it. But suggesting it can be caused by a fleeting feeling that you are going to have an accident is insulting and silly.
People almost have accidents every bloody day. Does every bad feeling have to be turned into a syndrome from the DSM? Label me please, validate my feelings!
OP is being very unreasonable. They might have but didn't have an accident. Thats all. She needs to get over herself, not be diagnosed with fuck knows what by keyboard psychiatrists.

[ExitStageLeft]

What a weird thread

[DisappointedOne]

I have PTSD after a traumatic birth experience. It manifests in different ways, and requires different treatments. Mine triggers at times of stress.

[muminhants1]

I'm pretty sure that there are different degrees of PTSD - and I know someone who has it after a car accident (an actual accident yes, but not years in a trench) so it is entirely possible that the OP could have something similar. Maybe I should have written "like" PTSD but for goodness sake that is not what the thread is about.

My point was really that the OP's reaction does not seem very typical and if her feelings continue, she might want to seek help. That is all.

Now it would be good if some people would consider what they are writing and the effect that it has, before they press the "post message" button. Yes it is AIBU but I didn't post the original message and therefore do not accept that I should be attacked for trying to post something vaguely helpful and unjudgmental. Thank you to the people who supported me and those of you who jumped to condemn need to look at yourselves.

[TTWK]

What's that (very old) gag........my grandfather, who was a bus driver, died peacefully in his sleep last week. Unlike many of his passengers who died screaming for him to wake up!

Anyone who drives on a regular basis will make mistakes, or be in the vicinity of someone else who is making a mistake, and have a few near misses.

But to leap from that to "we nearly died" is hysterical nonsense. There are literally thousands of RTAs every day in the UK, and about 7 people a day die on our roads. And most of them will be pedestrians and cyclists/motorcyclists, not the car driver or passengers.

Believe it or not, it's actually very difficult to die in a car accident, with all the safety features in modern cars. Not impossible, but unlikely.

[BrendaBlackhead]

I can't believe you can be with someone for 12 years and never had a moment when they make you grind your teeth. Every single couple I know who were all lovey-dovey have ended up divorced. I was on a girls' night out and everyone was slagging off their dhs (in a jocular way) and one woman piously said that she and her dh had never, ever had a cross word. Imo that's either cos one party is subordinating themselves or is thoroughly disengaged. Anyway, non-arguing woman's dh went off with his personal trainer shortly afterwards...

When the OP started off her post I was thinking that the dh had snogged (or worse) someone else at the wedding, or had committed a serious crime, or perhaps had revealed himself to be bisexual. But how can making a mistake which luckily did not have bad consequences, and furthermore being terribly sorry about it, cause such a seismic change in one's opinion about someone?

[RB68]

The tiredness would likely have been down to blood sugar levels - alcohol is known to mess with this so even with lunch etc it may have been about that.

[kali110]

Tiredness can come on suddenly. I fell asleep in the car today! I was fine then suddenly tired. I was asleep literally less than 5 minutes later.

[WinterOfOurDiscountTents15]

PTSD because for a split second you thought you were going to have an accident which you did not in fact have?

Um, no. Not how it works.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

I'm not keen on belittling the idea that someone could have a deeply traumatic reaction to something like this. I didn't realise that the threaholds for mental illness were so tightly defined by cause.

I have no idea if the OP is going on to develop PTSD or not. But I do know that a load of strangers on the Internet don't get to decide whether she's allowed to or not.

[SlatternIsMyMiddleName]

DH once completed an absolutely crazy ass over taking manoeuvre when we were all in the car that could have resulted in a serious accident.

I was livid, his whole family was in the car, we were in no rush, there was no need to do what he did - but my anger evaporated when I saw how sorry he was. He made a mistake and he knew it immediately. He was shocked to the core at the close call. I didn't need to keep on harping at him about it.

As others have said - let it go. Move on. he knows what he did was wrong. There is no need to keep flogging that horse.

[Yarp]

You will get over it OP

Maybe posting on here will help that process, but I'm not sure it will.

[DeeWe]

You don't necessarily realise how tired you are.

My uncle had a tale to tell when he was in his early 20s. He was driving along the motorway thinking "how wonderful the human body is. Here I am having been awake nearly 24 hours and I'm not even feeling sleepy." Promptly followed by a crunch as his car hit the central reservation.
He'd fallen asleep, and car had gone across 3 lanes, thankfully at 2am so no one else around.

He said it was a wake up call for him, and after that he was very very careful about not driving when tired.

[maddening]

Mistakes are just part of life, sometimes the burden of responsibility is higher because of a person's position - eg doctor, car driver etc. sometimes you get away with it or the consequence is minimal or there is nothing one could have done to avoid it, sometimes it costs money or lives. Today , thank god, your Dh got away with it, he can learn and take steps to ensure he is more aware of risks in the future but what is done is done and destroying your relationship over it would be ridiculous- if it were part of a pattern it would be one thing but an isolated incident needs to be discussed then forgiven. Imo.

[SleeplessButNotInSeattle]

I thought PTSD is only diagnosed if someone is still affected months later?

[SleeplessButNotInSeattle]

If I still couldn't forgive my DH a week after a near accident he'd be really pissed off!

I'm sure he's had near misses in the past which I've forgotten about.

However I do remember my 2 year old pulling a boiling cup of tea down onto his face when I left it right at the front of the worktop. It was totally my fault, and DS had to go to A&E, but DH never ever blamed me. If he had I'd have been doubly devastated.

[Gabilan]

There is an interesting article on the development of PTSD as a category here www.brainline.org/content/2011/01/posttraumatic-stress-disorder-a-history-and-a-critique_pageall.html It has, historically, been primarily a war-related definition. Whilst yes, it includes civilian events these tend to be likened to military events and seen as in some ways just as extreme. It has, IMO, been widened to include events in which the stressor is somewhat more limited.

Conditions such as PTSD don't pop up with handy labels attached. We give certain behaviour and symptoms those labels and we can just as readily attach other labels to the same symptoms. Witness for example arguments over other psychiatric diagnoses such as hysteria (closely linked with shell shock) and schizophrenia. It's why diagnostic manuals go through different editions - we change definitions over time.