To completely change how I feel about DH of 12 years in an instant?

[Acunningruse]

DH and I have been together for 12 years married for 8, have a 2.5 year old DS and are TTC no.2. Until last weekend I would have said we were completely happy, possibly more loved up than your average couple with a toddler, lucky that we have babysitters so can go out.

Last weekend we attending a wedding far away from home. DH had been drinking on the day of the wedding but not a massive amount, maybe 7 pints from 12 til 12. He then slept from 1 til 8.30 (ds was at gparents)I hadn't been drinking so the next morning I drove us to gparents to pick Ds up and have lunch there. When we left I automatically sat in passenger seat out of habit but then made to move but DH said no im fine to drive dont worry.

We drove for about an hour, I was reading a magazine and turning round to talk to Ds in the back when I felt the car swerve towards the crash barrier, we were in outside lane. I shouted abd then DH swung wheel the other way so we were then in inside lane. Thank god nothing was in that lane. I was screaming what are you doing whats happening and DH said he had started to fall asleep at the wheel. he pulled over at nexrt junction and I was crying and I was crying and screaming I just keep thinking we could have been killed, Ds was in the back, if a car had been in the inside lane theres novway he would have survived we were doing 70mph.

DH has been so apologetic since he is genuinely remorseful he cries every time he looks at Ds I know hes thinking what could have happened. But I just can't get over it. I just don't understand how it could have happened, I am so.upset and angry and feel like my feelings towards him have completely changed.

I have no idea what to do or if IABU

Really Thick? Your husband almost kills you and your child and you wouldn't feel an ounce of anger?

My father did almost kill me in a car accident when I was tiny. No hypothetical situations where A or B could have happened if he hadn't managed to swerve in time, as in your case. Nope, he crashed and I was ejected into a field.

He hadn't been drinking, but he had spent all weekend at the hospital bedside of my unwell sibling and (probably) wasn't fit to drive in dark, icy conditions.

So I was left with a physical impairment as a result. Did my mother ever blame him? Did I? She says she didn't and it never even occurred to me to blame him. It was an accident. He didn't mean to endanger me, sometimes shit just happens.

Both you and your husband will very likely unwittingly endanger your child again in some way at least once before they turn 18. Best thing to do is work out a strategy for dealing with driving responsibility next time one of you feels tired or not with it.

Almost everyday I see terrible drivers. They overtake on double white lines, on bends, they overtake me when I'm driving at the speed limit.
Truck drivers going round roundabouts with a phone to their ear.
Drivers about two foot from my back bumper.
Motorbike riders that seem to have a death wish.

Your DH wasn't any of those. He made an error of judgement that dsid not result in any injuries to anyone.

You need to move on.

I don't think I would feel an ounce of anger, no. Especially not a week later. A few minutes? Maybe.

When people I love fuck up and then they feel really remorseful to the point of crying, when they are genuinely lovely people I just feel sympathy for them and want to comfort them.

I made a stupid mistake driving recently and I felt like shit. No one was hurt but they could have been. My husband was scared at the time as I was I, but after he comforted me. He didn't feel anger that I accidentally put us in a potentially dangerous situation. If he did it would seriously change the way I feel about him. If he was going to carry on feeling anger at me for a genuine mistake that I was already beating myself up over I would think he was an arsehole to be honest.

Feeling shook up is normal. Feeling anger at someone you love for 'putting your life in danger' a week later when he is remorseful is another thing entirely. Especially as you have a lot of responsibility in this yourself. You also made decisions that were not the best so he could equally be as angry as you if he wanted.

I would not want to be married to someone like you who would hold an accident against me. My ex used to do that. A horrible trait in a person.

Oh and your husband didn't almost kill you did he?

I have asked him and at first he said it came on really quickly, but later that night he said "yes I should have told you as soon as I started to feel tired" which implies there was long enough to do so.

The thing is, when he began to feel tired it won't have occurred to him for one moment that he would actually fall asleep. Haven't you done anything similar, OP - e.g. you are watching something on TV that you're really interested in, you begin to feel a bit sleepy and tell yourself you can last to the end of the programme and you'll got to bed then, the next thing you know the programme's finished and you have no idea what happened?

You refer also to him laughing and joking during the lunch and not understanding how he could fall asleep soon afterwards. Again, that's an absolute classic - why do you think they have early afternoon siestas in some countries? There's something about the process of digesting a large meal which makes you sleepy shortly afterwards. I can remember sitting in afternoon lectures at university propping my eyes open.

I understand this was an awful shock, but he's just an ordinary human being who has learnt from this. Move on, OP.

Op you need to be careful here you know because your attitude and hardness may make your dh fall out of love with you.

I would definatly feel differently to my dh if he wasn't supporting me when I really needed him after such a fuck up.

You both made a mistake, equally responsible so I do think YABU to feel so angry towards him. I can understand it was a horrible experience but I don't think its fair to still be so angry with your DH who so clearly feels dreadful about it.

We all make mistakes, nobody is perfect but you need to move on from it and learn from it.

When DS2 was 10 days old we were driving on a dual carriageway and ran out of petrol, I had to wait on the hard shoulder with a newborn, post CS, and 20 month old DS1 while DH ran to a petrol station. He has never done that before or since but felt awful, the look on his face was just terror. It was a genuine stupid mistake so I wasn't angry at him. He beat himself up enough about it without me shouting too! It certainly wouldn't of changed my feelings about him....

I have been in this exact situation. Our baby dd was 8 weeks old and we'd been to a wedding 250 miles away. I don't drive so dh had to do the journey home the next day. It had been a long weekend, 8wk old dd woke every 2hrs and had since birth and we both underestimated dh's ability to drive that journey in one go. It was also a hot, sunny day which doesn't help. We were doing 70mph and the car started to veer. I shouted a warning and DH jerked awake.

I didn't feel an ounce of anger towards dh. I felt concerned (about dh), relieved and very lucky. I am not for a second saying that you should feel how I felt as we're all different but maybe the fact that I've experienced exactly this and didn't react the way you did might help you to see that your own reaction may not be absolutely rational.

It was a mistake/accident and while I was shaken up, I didn't shout or scream. I breathed a very big sigh of relief and we stopped for coffee/a walk/fresh air.

I do drive now btw I didn't drive then.

OP-Your husband almost kills you and your child and you wouldn't feel an ounce of anger?

What a load of hysterical nonsense. You have absolutely no idea if you'd both been killed, people often walk away without a scratch from really major accidents. Especially with seat belts and airbags.

Quit the drama queen routine and get a grip.

Wow OP you're getting a right beating here.

It sounds daft to be so dramatic about it on paper but it's your child and yourself and a bit of guilt and a near miss so it's bound to shake you up and exaggerate your emotions. Just give it time. You've both learnt your lesson and tbh I thought it was common knowledge that no matter how you feel you should not drive after a heavy night. Partly because if you're pulled over you might find yourself being over the limit still (this happened to a friend of mine)! And because heavy nights tend to just make you slower the next day.

The only thing I think you're nbu about is him not telling you sooner but I think he's learnt the hard way that it was very reckless

I've already posted but just had a thought about how frightened your DD must have been if you were going hysterical, shouting and screaming at DH. That alone was probably more damaging to him than having a near miss. Sorry OP but he didn't nearly kill you. You're either killed or you're not and luckily, you're not.

Also, I nearly died in a car crash where we were stationary and another car blind-sided us so I appreciate it's pretty terrifying at the time and you might not have died if you hit another car but it wouldn't have been pretty and it's one of those horrid moments where you do think 'shit is this it'

Time'll calm your nerves and just try to remember you're both to blame for it in different ways so less of the blame game stuff.

DS*

I totally agree with U2theedge. You are bring incredibly harsh on your DH. If my partner treated me like you speak about your anger towards your DH I would be very upset, hurt and I would wonder how I had made such a bad assessment of character. YABVU.

Thinking on it op, have you not had at least one teensy moment during your pregnancy or since your ds has been born that you've either done something you really shouldn't have or had a 'shit, that could have gone wrong' moment? Never had one while driving when you've misjudged a situation?

It's part of life to have a few near misses, sometimes we're 100% to blame and sometimes we're innocently caught up in someone else's mess. It happens though.

A week on and discussions and responsibility taken, I don't think it's fair for you to expect your dh to fix it when you don't seem to know how he can achieve it. It's pointless flogging.

I really think now it's time for you to put it to rest and leave it well alone. Unless it's an absolute deal breaker ie your leaving him, its just no way for any of you to live.

Don't underestimate the impact on your ds living in that kind of tense atmosphere on a day to day basis either.

YABU to change your opinion of him as a whole. He didn't morph into another human being.

His driving and willing to get behind the wheel after a drinking session? In that YANBU. No chance I would let my DH drive after a skinful like that, particularly if I hadn't had a drink at all. Especially with our son in the back.

Chalk it up to experience and learn from it.

You are very unreasonable. It was an accident. you all were v lucky. learn and move on. your reaction seems completely over the top.

cjt110, he wasn't driving after having a skinful. On the timeline given by OP, assuming he didn't drink at lunchtime it was a good 20 hours since his last drink, and the previous day's drinking was spread over 12 hours.

FGS she can't help how she feels about him. She can control what she does about it, but how can person be unreasonable to feel anything?

It's something we have no control over.

7 pints is 20 units of alcohol, more or less. The NHS recommends men don't drink more than 3-4 units in a day. True those are just guidelines but they are handy and show that 7 pints, even over 12 hours, is quite a bit. OK, at a wedding I suspect most of us have over done it, I know I have. So I wouldn't slate him for drinking that much, but the fact is it's a lot for the body to handle.

As PP have said, alcohol disrupts your sleep, so he drank a lot, slept badly and then ate a large lunch. Frankly after that it really isn't surprising he almost fell asleep. It would be more surprising if he stayed alert to drive. You then had a very frightening near miss. I take those kind of incidents as a warning. Whether it's just luck or whatever, it is some kind of warning not to do things like this again. It's OK once, you got away with it. And from the sounds of your DH's reaction, he's fully aware of the problem.

So you had a warning and no-one was hurt. You now, both of you, have a chance to modify your behaviour in future so that you avoid this hazard at least.

As for why he didn't say sooner, I suspect because your judgement is impaired in these situations. For a long time my mum was sole driver in the family and we all used to make sure that we kept an eye on her when she was doing long drives and kept chatting, not as a distraction but to keep her engaged and focussed.

It does sound a bit like you put him on a pedestal OP and now he's fallen off it.

She can't control her feelings but she can control her actions. She can feel angry if she wants but I think she should give her DH a hug and tell him she still loves him. If she doesn't want to ruin her marriage over this.

I really think you need to get a bit of a grip to be honest. You both made a mistake, he feels awful, you're still going on about it ages later. He didn't almost kill you, he nearly had an accident.

Do you find that get things out of perspective a lot?

Sophie - yes we can control our feelings, by controlling the way we think about things. We are not helpless.

TTWK, where did you get the idea that people often walk away without a scratch from a major incident?

A quick google:

"The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration conservatively estimates that 100,000 police-reported crashes are the direct result of driver fatigue each year. This results in an estimated 1,550 deaths, 71,000 injuries, and $12.5 billion in monetary losses."