To completely change how I feel about DH of 12 years in an instant?

[Acunningruse]

DH and I have been together for 12 years married for 8, have a 2.5 year old DS and are TTC no.2. Until last weekend I would have said we were completely happy, possibly more loved up than your average couple with a toddler, lucky that we have babysitters so can go out.

Last weekend we attending a wedding far away from home. DH had been drinking on the day of the wedding but not a massive amount, maybe 7 pints from 12 til 12. He then slept from 1 til 8.30 (ds was at gparents)I hadn't been drinking so the next morning I drove us to gparents to pick Ds up and have lunch there. When we left I automatically sat in passenger seat out of habit but then made to move but DH said no im fine to drive dont worry.

We drove for about an hour, I was reading a magazine and turning round to talk to Ds in the back when I felt the car swerve towards the crash barrier, we were in outside lane. I shouted abd then DH swung wheel the other way so we were then in inside lane. Thank god nothing was in that lane. I was screaming what are you doing whats happening and DH said he had started to fall asleep at the wheel. he pulled over at nexrt junction and I was crying and I was crying and screaming I just keep thinking we could have been killed, Ds was in the back, if a car had been in the inside lane theres novway he would have survived we were doing 70mph.

DH has been so apologetic since he is genuinely remorseful he cries every time he looks at Ds I know hes thinking what could have happened. But I just can't get over it. I just don't understand how it could have happened, I am so.upset and angry and feel like my feelings towards him have completely changed.

I have no idea what to do or if IABU

[HootyMcTooty]

Umm, I don't think you can get "a bit of PTSD". It's a serious disorder, cause by serious trauma. Not a near miss in a car!

[VanitasVanitatum]

God your poor DH. Have some compassion and stop being so utterly hysterical. He made a mistake, although sleeping from 1 - 8:30 is really not that bad so I have no idea how you think this is some massive error of judgement on his part. He didn't realise how tired he was, it happens.

Your reaction was totally unfair in my opinion.

[chippednailvarnish]

A bit of PTSD, is that like being a bit pregnant?

[jacks11]

YABU

If your love for him is so fragile that an error of judgement that resulted in no actual harm switches it off, then you're right, you don't have the strong relationship you thought. But not because of this incident

I agree with the above. I can understand you got a real fright. The "what ifs" can go round in your head and be hard to ignore- but even allowing for this I think you are massively over-reacting. I can understand being shocked and frightened and even a little angry initially, but on-going recriminations (even if not verbalised) are less understandable.

Your husband made an error of judgement- albeit one with potentially devastating consequences- but you are all fine, none of you were physically hurt because you did not actually have an accident. He knows he made a mistake and is very sorry. He is beating himself up about it. He has apologised. I doubt he will do the same thing ever again. You sound a bit melodramatic, TBH.

If you really have changed your feelings towards your DH- completely reversing your feelings after 12 years of an apparantly loving relationship- over one mistake, then you never had a really loving, strong relationship. Love is accepting the person, warts and imperfections and all. If one mistake is enough to wipe 12 good years out, then what you had was a fragile relationship.

You say you don't let your feelings show- but I think it likely your DH knows to some degree how you feel. Which maybe partly why, a week on, he is "crying every time he sees DS". This also sounds to me, if accurate, like he is not moving on either.

You both need to put this behind you and get on with things. If you can't what kind of relationship do you think your going to have?

You know, at some point in your life it is likely you are going to make a mistake with potentially serious consequences (or one which actually causes harm). I hope you are treated with more compassion and understanding than your DH is getting from you.

IMO it is time for you to get a grip on your emotions and consciously decide to move on. If not, I think your relationship really will suffer and your DH may well begin to resent you in turn. It's up to you to decide what is most important- your righteous anger and resentment or your relationship with your DH, who you say you love. I know this may sound harsh, but I think you need to get things into perspective and a "there, there, you have had a fright" isn't going to give you that.

[Imi22sleeping]

I have a toddler that doesn't sleep I have nearly fallen asleep p at the wheel a few times it's hot and tiring and it happens s I can't believe it was his choice the was probably thinking ill be home soon you sound like you feel guilty

[GrumpyOldBiddy2]

PTSD is what soldiers have after serving on battle fields, not what you get after someone changes lane unexpectedly on the motorway.

FFS

Gabilan - you win the thread

[Gabilan]

Why thank you Grumpy. I am living up to your name though

[Gabilan]

PTSD is a successor to what used to be called "shell shock". The original term did apply to battle field experiences. It has now been widened as a definition. IMO it's been widened rather too much.

About 5 years ago I went through an experience at work which led to a suicidal episode. I had an emergency GP appointment, emergency mental health treatment and months of follow-up therapy. Despite the treatment I still have anxiety in some situations which I didn't have prior to that experience. I would liken this to something like PTSD but in a very minor way. After all, these things do not have hard and fast rules - they are definitions which we give to very varied situations.

If the OP is having flashbacks to this incident and anyone is thinking it might be PTSD then I would think there's a lot more involved and something else that has happened in the OP's past. Really if you are that shocked after an incident like that, there's something else going on somewhere.

[Midorichan]

I wonder how your kid felt seeing his mum "crying and screaming"? Personally, having seen a screaming and hysterical parent when I was a kid, it made me EVEN MORE scared. Some things kids don't need to see, but that's my personal opinion.

[IceBeing]

Wow people are ignorant.

PTSD could certainly be triggered by this incident. Like everything else it is a sliding scale of severity of symptoms.

PTSD is caused by the brain being pushed into a state in which it cannot process or understand the events happening usually due to stress or adrenaline overload. It is further possible to suffer post traumatic depression - which may fit the OP's description better, and is similar to PTSD but without explicit reliving / flash backs.

The OP said she simply couldn't imagine her DH would endanger her son, and that she is struggling to fit the fact he did into her head. This is a classic description of needing to process a situation that currently can't be made compatible with the OPs existing map of reality.

OP - I would suggest spending some time thinking about whether or not it is allowable for a person who loves their wife and child to make a serious mistake? Whether this incident is genuinely incompatible with your DH being the wonderful person you believe him to be. In order to re-organize your brain you either need to acknowledge that it is okay for a wonderful person to make a mistake, or that you DH is a wonderful person.

My money is on answer A, for what it is worth....

[Gabilan]

There is an interesting article on the development of PTSD as a category here www.brainline.org/content/2011/01/posttraumatic-stress-disorder-a-history-and-a-critique_pageall.html It has, historically, been primarily a war-related definition. Whilst yes, it includes civilian events these tend to be likened to military events and seen as in some ways just as extreme. It has, IMO, been widened to include events in which the stressor is somewhat more limited.

Conditions such as PTSD don't pop up with handy labels attached. We give certain behaviour and symptoms those labels and we can just as readily attach other labels to the same symptoms. Witness for example arguments over other psychiatric diagnoses such as hysteria (closely linked with shell shock) and schizophrenia. It's why diagnostic manuals go through different editions - we change definitions over time.

[SleeplessButNotInSeattle]

If I still couldn't forgive my DH a week after a near accident he'd be really pissed off!

I'm sure he's had near misses in the past which I've forgotten about.

However I do remember my 2 year old pulling a boiling cup of tea down onto his face when I left it right at the front of the worktop. It was totally my fault, and DS had to go to A&E, but DH never ever blamed me. If he had I'd have been doubly devastated.

[SleeplessButNotInSeattle]

I thought PTSD is only diagnosed if someone is still affected months later?

[maddening]

Mistakes are just part of life, sometimes the burden of responsibility is higher because of a person's position - eg doctor, car driver etc. sometimes you get away with it or the consequence is minimal or there is nothing one could have done to avoid it, sometimes it costs money or lives. Today , thank god, your Dh got away with it, he can learn and take steps to ensure he is more aware of risks in the future but what is done is done and destroying your relationship over it would be ridiculous- if it were part of a pattern it would be one thing but an isolated incident needs to be discussed then forgiven. Imo.

[DeeWe]

You don't necessarily realise how tired you are.

My uncle had a tale to tell when he was in his early 20s. He was driving along the motorway thinking "how wonderful the human body is. Here I am having been awake nearly 24 hours and I'm not even feeling sleepy." Promptly followed by a crunch as his car hit the central reservation.
He'd fallen asleep, and car had gone across 3 lanes, thankfully at 2am so no one else around.

He said it was a wake up call for him, and after that he was very very careful about not driving when tired.

[Yarp]

You will get over it OP

Maybe posting on here will help that process, but I'm not sure it will.

[SlatternIsMyMiddleName]

DH once completed an absolutely crazy ass over taking manoeuvre when we were all in the car that could have resulted in a serious accident.

I was livid, his whole family was in the car, we were in no rush, there was no need to do what he did - but my anger evaporated when I saw how sorry he was. He made a mistake and he knew it immediately. He was shocked to the core at the close call. I didn't need to keep on harping at him about it.

As others have said - let it go. Move on. he knows what he did was wrong. There is no need to keep flogging that horse.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

I'm not keen on belittling the idea that someone could have a deeply traumatic reaction to something like this. I didn't realise that the threaholds for mental illness were so tightly defined by cause.

I have no idea if the OP is going on to develop PTSD or not. But I do know that a load of strangers on the Internet don't get to decide whether she's allowed to or not.

[WinterOfOurDiscountTents15]

PTSD because for a split second you thought you were going to have an accident which you did not in fact have?

Um, no. Not how it works.

[kali110]

Tiredness can come on suddenly. I fell asleep in the car today! I was fine then suddenly tired. I was asleep literally less than 5 minutes later.

[RB68]

The tiredness would likely have been down to blood sugar levels - alcohol is known to mess with this so even with lunch etc it may have been about that.