To completely change how I feel about DH of 12 years in an instant?

[Acunningruse]

DH and I have been together for 12 years married for 8, have a 2.5 year old DS and are TTC no.2. Until last weekend I would have said we were completely happy, possibly more loved up than your average couple with a toddler, lucky that we have babysitters so can go out.

Last weekend we attending a wedding far away from home. DH had been drinking on the day of the wedding but not a massive amount, maybe 7 pints from 12 til 12. He then slept from 1 til 8.30 (ds was at gparents)I hadn't been drinking so the next morning I drove us to gparents to pick Ds up and have lunch there. When we left I automatically sat in passenger seat out of habit but then made to move but DH said no im fine to drive dont worry.

We drove for about an hour, I was reading a magazine and turning round to talk to Ds in the back when I felt the car swerve towards the crash barrier, we were in outside lane. I shouted abd then DH swung wheel the other way so we were then in inside lane. Thank god nothing was in that lane. I was screaming what are you doing whats happening and DH said he had started to fall asleep at the wheel. he pulled over at nexrt junction and I was crying and I was crying and screaming I just keep thinking we could have been killed, Ds was in the back, if a car had been in the inside lane theres novway he would have survived we were doing 70mph.

DH has been so apologetic since he is genuinely remorseful he cries every time he looks at Ds I know hes thinking what could have happened. But I just can't get over it. I just don't understand how it could have happened, I am so.upset and angry and feel like my feelings towards him have completely changed.

I have no idea what to do or if IABU

Flip it round - would you expect DH to support you or walk away from you if you had been behind the wheel?

Sophie - yes we can control our feelings, by controlling the way we think about things

We may be able to adapt our thinking and thence our feelings but first, we cannot blame ourselves for feeling the way we do before we manage to examine our motivations, and perhaps adjust our interpretations of events.

it's rubbish to suggest, as some have, that she is a horrible person for having these instinctive reactions to what has happened. She's not, She just needs time to process them.

then you can say, 'Oh but you have chosen to be angry when it wasn't his fault', or whatever.

At present she is just reacting.

TTWK, where did you get the idea that people often walk away without a scratch from a major incident? A quick google:"The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration conservatively estimates that 100,000 police-reported crashes are the direct result of driver fatigue each year. This results in an estimated 1,550 deaths, 71,000 injuries, and $12.5 billion in monetary losses."

Well, using your own (Amercian) figures, with an average of 2 people in each car (some will have 1, some will have 3,4, or more), so 200K people involved and 72500 deaths/injuries. So the majority emerged unscathed!

Icimoi - I beg to differ. 7 pints is a LOT. Would you get in a car with someone knowing they had had that amount to drink in the previous day? He drink til midnight then slept til 830. Thats 7.5 hours. Not enough IMO and on my understanding to burn off 20units of booze. To quote the NHS website it takes an hour to burn off one unit of booze. So he didnt drive until 8pm the following day?

"We drove for an hour, I was reading a magazine" ...

On a long drive, it is the duty of the passenger to keep rabbiting at the driver to keep them awake! Motorway driving in particular can have a very soporific effect and if your co-pilot is engrossed in a magazine or asleep themselves that is quite selfish imo.

Your husband almost kills you and your child and you wouldn't feel an ounce of anger?

Actually OP you allowed your husband to almost kill you and your child. You were complicit and equally responsible.

"He drink til midnight then slept til 830. Thats 7.5 hours. Not enough IMO and on my understanding to burn off 20units of booze. To quote the NHS website it takes an hour to burn off one unit of booze. So he didnt drive until 8pm the following day?"

Well assuming 1 hour per unit of alcohol that's 20 hours. BUT he started drinking at noon so his body will have been processing the alcohol from that point. It's not as if he imbibed 20 units in one go and then his liver started on it. IMO it's not a question of whether or not there was alcohol in his system. By early afternoon the following day there might not have been. The problem is driving when you're hungover and tired. Both of those things will slow down your reaction times.

OP you allowed your husband to almost kill you and your child. You were complicit and equally responsible.

Outrageous piece of victim blaming.

Tbh if my DH only had 7 pints at a wedding id be chuffed

OP, I think you are over thinking this and that's why you can't get past it, it's making you dramatise the whole event and sending you hysterical. If I was you, I'd put my arms around the love of my life and be thankful for him. Life is far too short to be bombasting him about this days later. He's more likely to tell you to bugger off soon if you carry on.

I agree with previous posters who says it sounds like you're in shock. Shock can make you feel all numb, thereby taking away your loving feelings. At the same time you're concentrating on thinking about the possible consequences. This brings out the anger.

I think you need to accept this as your natural response. Acknowledge it. Your dh is sorry, he is devastated, you've already said you're not going on at him, and that's the right thing to do.

It seems like you're seeing him as the person who tried to hurt your family. You know it's irrational, but that's how you feel. You need to try to get back to seeing him as a victim of his actions too. You were nearly all in an accident. There was blame on both sides. Nothing happened and you're all ok. You're all sorry and you all got through it.

Sometimes we build a barrier when we shouldn't. It can be hard to break it down again.

He wasn't over the limit and you or him didn't know he was going to fall asleep- there is no blame to be placed! X

I have just been beaten to it but was coming on to say that a passenger on a long drive is supposed to be watching and talking to the driver. I'm not sure if it is actually written down , but I was certainly given that information- I'm can't remember from where!. My husband fell asleep at the wheel once when we were driving a long distance and my reaction was to be cross with myself for not noticing how tired he was. I can't believe how cruel you are being, he made a mistake. It's ok to be a shocked but do you never ever make mistakes?

work the OP knew how much he had drank, when he had stopped and how much he had slept. She chose to drive the initial part if the journey because of what she knew. She isn't a victim, she made a choice to allow him to continue to drive after she "sat in the passenger seat out of habit".

Victim? Really? There isn't a victim in this scenario

I think YABU. I think you're as responsible for his mistake as he was - you both knew how much he'd had to drink (7 pints is a lot!) and you both knew how little sleep he'd had and you both made the decision to put ds in the car with dh behind the wheel.

I also think anyone who drives regularly will at some point have a 'near miss' or lapse in judgement because people make mistakes and cars are dangerous machines. Dh sounds as shaken up as you are.

I fail to see why the OP is to blame at all here. We put our lives in the hands of other people when they drive us, we have to trust them and their judgement. We don't know how they feel, or how tired they are.

The OP feels let down and rightly so , as she trusted her husband to be safe on the road, especially with the child in the back.

It wasn't 'an accident' or 'a mistake', it was considerably bad lack of judgement, and I think that the OP has every right to be really upset. I don't think that it should be a dealbreaker in an otherwise happy marriage though.

My father did this once. I was twelve, and in the passenger seat. I saw his eyes close and said 'dad...dad, what's up? Dad!'. He woke and kept the car on the road. He wasn't drunk or hungover, but it was very early in the morning and he had slept poorly - he was just tired.

Your DH made an error of judgment, as my dad did when he thought he was alert enough to drive. Ever since, he has pulled over when getting tired in the car. It sounds like your DH feels terrible and has learned from this. For the sake of those 12 years, try and take a deep breath and start letting it go?

Well if I was the driver in this scenario I wouldn't be putting the blame for the near miss on anyone else. I always take responsibility for my actions. I would expect to be forgiven eventually though.

Iranian - you beat me to it!

If I understand correctly, it's a week later. Still in shock or processing the experience for something really quite minor a week later is an issue.

Ok I understand it must have been scary but it was an accident. Car accidents happen everyday - and most of the time they are genuine accidents

Sorry but I think your reaction is very over the top. You are lucky nothing worse happened - and you are lucky to have a good DH - so be grateful - and forget about it now

You both made a big mistake, but luckily everything was fine.

Get over it and stop being so silly.

I really feel for you. I also think it's unfair to say that you should have insisted on driving. You assumed that if he was not up to driving he would say. As he should have done. The moment he felt sleepy, he should have said something. You have suffered a huge shock and what must have been a very frightening experience. It is not an overreaction to feel your feelings have changed for him. He could have killed the lot of you, that is what you are thinking I would imagine. The very person who should be with you and protecting his family did the opposite. However, this is not enough to wipe out your happy marriage. A car can be a dangerous thing. A split second of in attention can result in tragedy. He will now know that after a day's drinking he should not undertake a long car journey. As will you. It's easy to stay awake when you are laughing and talking to people. Never underestimate the power of a fast straight road to put you to sleep. The reality is, this could happen to so many people. There but for the grace of god...... Give yourself time to process this, for the shock to subside. Feel lucky that no one was hurt. Learn from it. It sounds like your husband has.