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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To completely change how I feel about DH of 12 years in an instant?

236 replies

Acunningruse · 12/06/2015 10:24

DH and I have been together for 12 years married for 8, have a 2.5 year old DS and are TTC no.2. Until last weekend I would have said we were completely happy, possibly more loved up than your average couple with a toddler, lucky that we have babysitters so can go out.

Last weekend we attending a wedding far away from home. DH had been drinking on the day of the wedding but not a massive amount, maybe 7 pints from 12 til 12. He then slept from 1 til 8.30 (ds was at gparents)I hadn't been drinking so the next morning I drove us to gparents to pick Ds up and have lunch there. When we left I automatically sat in passenger seat out of habit but then made to move but DH said no im fine to drive dont worry.

We drove for about an hour, I was reading a magazine and turning round to talk to Ds in the back when I felt the car swerve towards the crash barrier, we were in outside lane. I shouted abd then DH swung wheel the other way so we were then in inside lane. Thank god nothing was in that lane. I was screaming what are you doing whats happening and DH said he had started to fall asleep at the wheel. he pulled over at nexrt junction and I was crying and I was crying and screaming I just keep thinking we could have been killed, Ds was in the back, if a car had been in the inside lane theres novway he would have survived we were doing 70mph.

DH has been so apologetic since he is genuinely remorseful he cries every time he looks at Ds I know hes thinking what could have happened. But I just can't get over it. I just don't understand how it could have happened, I am so.upset and angry and feel like my feelings towards him have completely changed.

I have no idea what to do or if IABU

OP posts:
Gabilan · 12/06/2015 15:26

"it was an accident. Car accidents happen everyday - and most of the time they are genuine accidents"

Actually they're not. Police and Fire and Rescue services now tend to refer to them as RTCs rather than RTAs in recognition of the fact that many "accidents" are entirely preventable with a little common sense. This near miss would have been avoided by the OP's DH not driving whilst tired, feeling the effects of a hangover and at at time of day after a large meal when falling asleep was almost inevitable.

It's precisely because we think of driving as something mundane and something we can do whilst feeling under the weather/ a bit tired/ whilst using a mobile phone that drivers have collisions. If we shifted away from the "oops it was an accident" attitude and more towards "well that was bad, how do I stop doing that again" we'd all be a lot bloody safer.

chippednailvarnish · 12/06/2015 15:26

Susies not only is he a bastard, he's an apologetic bastard!

DisappointedOne · 12/06/2015 15:27

"Well, he didn't do anything wrong in the sense that he wasn't drunk driving, he didn't do anything deliberately dangerous or stupid (such as driving aggressively, etc), he was simply tireder than he realised."

Depending on the strength of those 7 pints he could well have still been over the limit 12 hours later.

withalittlebitofluck · 12/06/2015 15:29

Every relationship has its ups and downs.. And do as a couple need to fall in love again at times.

I don't see how a car accident which worked out ok in the end would make you change feelings towards dh.

Sounds like you both were responsible. I have too actually started to nod off at the wheel.. (Ds had hospital appointment so couldn't avoid and caffeine didn't work) my dh certainly didn't go on about it.. He helped me to understand what to do next time. Please let your dh get over it.

Mrsfrumble · 12/06/2015 15:44

18 months ago we were driving through the Texas panhandle, on our way home from a road trip to another state. If you've ever visited the Texas panhandle you will know that the scenery is extremely boring, and the roads utterly flat, straight and almost empty. We were all tired. The children (then 12 months and nearly 3) were asleep in the back, and I was daydreaming in the passenger seat when I happened to glance over at DH and noticed his eyelids drooping shut. I said his name sharply to wake him up, then turned the AC up and kept talking to him until we could stop and get coffee, all the time never taking my eyes off him.

It didn't occur to me to be angry with him. We are equally responsible for the children's safety when we are both present. I pay more attention now when we're driving long distances, and even though I'm not the one driving I know I need to be alert too. No reading or daydreaming, and if I feel sleepy myself I'll insist we stop for coffee.

OP, do you want to stay married to him?

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 12/06/2015 15:52

YOu need to get over this OP. Yes, it was a shock, yes hindsight being a wonderful gift, your DH should not have been driving, but he did not set out to upset you - he made an error of judgement for which he sounds remorseful.

Is there something else that has made you go off your DH. It does not make sense that one mistake should suddenly make you fall out of love after 12 years.

ChaiseLounger · 12/06/2015 16:09

I too think OP sounds unforgiving and YABU.

I feel sleepy after a Sunday lunch!
Dh can easily drink 7 pints , at an all day wedding , 12 hours, when you get lunch, evening meal, snacks etc.
in fact, I probably could too!!

And this one mistake questions your 12 year marriage? Agree. You had problems before, if this is the case.

Icimoi · 12/06/2015 16:12

7 pints is a LOT. Would you get in a car with someone knowing they had had that amount to drink in the previous day? He drink til midnight then slept til 830. Thats 7.5 hours. Not enough IMO and on my understanding to burn off 20units of booze. To quote the NHS website it takes an hour to burn off one unit of booze.

cjt, he didn't start to drive till after lunch, so it would be around 15 hours from when he stopped drinking and, as has been pointed out, in fact the drinking was over a 12 hour period so much of it would have left his system before they even left the wedding celebrations.

Disappointed, on that basis it is highly unlikely he was over the limit at the time he started driving unless it was mega, mega strength beer which is not what is normally served at weddings and would probably have knocked him out before they even left the venue.

TTWK · 12/06/2015 16:31

Workhouse- I don't think that it should be a dealbreaker in an otherwise happy marriage though.

You don't think? So you're not sure?

Wow, marriage guidance missed a trick when they failed to recruit you!

PerspicaciaTick · 12/06/2015 16:40

My gut reaction to the OP is that she is looking for a reason to end the relationship. But I don't know why, unless there is a massive backstory to either the relationship or the OPs personal history which might leave her unable to forgive and celebrate the fact that the people she loves "most in all the world" are alive and unharmed.

workhouse · 12/06/2015 16:52

You don't think? So you're not sure?

Yes I am sure, because it is what I think. I am not arrogant enough to speak for anyone else. Get it now.

BlackbirdOnTheWire · 12/06/2015 16:59

We were also at a wedding last Saturday. I drove back to the hotel on Saturday night, so - after lunch with friends - DH started the drive back home on Sunday. I could see that he was tired, we'd both slept badly (the joys of a family room with two very young DC!), so I told him to tell me as soon as he needed to swap. I then promptly dozed off. I awoke with a start as the car veered slightly and alerted DH as his eyelids started to close (that's the polite version, I think I actually said "Jesus, DH, what the fucking hell are you doing?" ). We put the AC on full, and pulled off at the next junction to get coffee and swap.

Yes, it could have been horrific - but it wasn't. Was DH to blame? No, it was a very warm afternoon last Sunday, the sun was bright, we'd had lunch out, a crap night's sleep - I shouldn't have dozed off, and I should have insisted we had coffee before leaving instead of trying to get home before the Sunday evening rush. I definitely don't feel any differently about DH, other than to realise that I am not the only one feeling stressed and tired with young DC.

Soduthen116 · 12/06/2015 17:36

My dd was badly injured as a driver fell asleep. He's been charged with manslaughter but as a human being I feel mainly sorry for him and of course a bit angry but I don't know him.

I feel incredibly sorry for your dh op. He deserves your support and sympathy.

And to add you weren't 'nearly killed' if you want to see what 'nearly killed' looks like you should have been with us a few years ago looking at our dd.

Stop dramatising yourself.

MrsBobDylan · 12/06/2015 18:01

Op please let it go and reassure your dh that you know it was an accident. If he's crying every time he looks at DS, you can be sure he's remorseful and it's time to move on.

Also, please do think about how you react in front of your son. Screaming and crying straight after is unavoidable but later on at the next junction?That probably terrified your DS.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 12/06/2015 19:31

I think you're getting a logical judgement to an emotional reaction on here.

Yes, maybe you're a heartless selfish bitch who cannot conceive of her partner being allowed to be in any way human... But I think it's more likely you're suffering from delayed shock, combined with the guilt, the loss of control and being simply very scared.

And that's making you have some intense and unfamiliar reactions.

My advice is to 'fake it to you make it' for a few days, and don't share your more extreme angry and blame filled feelings until you've got a little distance between you and the near miss. See how you feel then and I do think you'll start to feel much more centred...

Original poster
Acunningruse · 12/06/2015 20:22

Wow, lots of responses whilst I've been at work this afternoon.

To those who have, or have children who have been injured in RTCs, Iam very sorry, I can only imagine what you've been through.

I ashould clarify, as I can see its not clear from my OP or subsequent posts, I HAVE NOT been taking my anger/shock/feeling upset out on DH, other than in the initial aftermath of the incident. When he has been feeling guilty and upset about it, I have comforted him and hugged him. I haven't continued to berate him in any way. I have kept my feelings to myself.

Those who referred to him driving rather than me and me getting in the passenger seat by accident is that I suppose we do have a convention that he drives at weekends because my job means I am often driving for up to 4 hours a day 3 days per week. It wasn't an express arrangement it just sort of evolved. Thinking about it, I wonder if that's why I initially found it hard to understand how it happened (although PPs have made me see how combination of alcohol+not good quality sleep+big lunch+motion of car it can happen) but I drive on motorways for up to an hour each work day and I've never once felt like I might fall asleep. But obviously objectively I can see that going to wor isn't the same as a driving after a weekend of driving.

I know I am being unreasonable to feel the way I do, I am trying to get over it, really I am.

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 12/06/2015 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Timetoask · 12/06/2015 20:36

If you've been together for 12 years all loved up and this incident (which your DH obviously regrets) is the first time you've had these thoughts about DH!!!! Then please chill, get over it, enjoy your marriage,

MrsNuckyThompson · 12/06/2015 20:40

OP I think you are totally bonkers.

People fall asleep at the wheel. It happens. Your poor DH feels awful and would never do anything to try to hurt you or DS. You are being unfair, unkind and a bit mad.

Get over yourself and forgive him.

YABVVVU.

DelphiniumBlue · 12/06/2015 20:44

Just to say the alcohol aware literature handed out to my DS in sixth form said that alcohol doesn't start being processed out of your body until 8 hours after you've stopped drinking, and then at the rate of 1 unit per hour. So if he drank 7 pints, I think that's 14 units plus the 8 hours, so 22 hours after he stopped drinking before he's OK to drive.

senlawyer · 12/06/2015 20:53

That isn't correct, Delphinium, when you're drinking over a period of several hours. The body starts processing it as soon as it is consumed and continues doing so.

Gabilan · 12/06/2015 21:05

"alcohol doesn't start being processed out of your body until 8 hours after you've stopped drinking, "

In that case there are alcoholics out there whose bodies have never started to process alcohol.

cashewnutty · 12/06/2015 21:12

Delphinium That is not true. What, exactly, do you think you body does with the alcohol while waiting to process it 8 hours later? Your body starts processing what you eat/drink immediately.

saltnpepa · 12/06/2015 21:20

I'm sorry but what's the problem? he involuntarily fell asleep, as in he didn't mean to or want to. If I were you I would be consoling him and counting your blessings,

AyMamita · 12/06/2015 21:27

YABVU and you sound a bit precious and hysterical. At some point over the next few years, especially if you have another DC, it's likely that one of your children will be momentarily endangered by you being tired or distracted. One of them could fall down the stairs, run into the road, tip a cup of hot tea on themself... and probably there will be no lasting consequences, just the awful fright of what might have happened.

Hopefully your DH will be more forgiving of you than you are of him.