To completely change how I feel about DH of 12 years in an instant?

[Acunningruse]

DH and I have been together for 12 years married for 8, have a 2.5 year old DS and are TTC no.2. Until last weekend I would have said we were completely happy, possibly more loved up than your average couple with a toddler, lucky that we have babysitters so can go out.

Last weekend we attending a wedding far away from home. DH had been drinking on the day of the wedding but not a massive amount, maybe 7 pints from 12 til 12. He then slept from 1 til 8.30 (ds was at gparents)I hadn't been drinking so the next morning I drove us to gparents to pick Ds up and have lunch there. When we left I automatically sat in passenger seat out of habit but then made to move but DH said no im fine to drive dont worry.

We drove for about an hour, I was reading a magazine and turning round to talk to Ds in the back when I felt the car swerve towards the crash barrier, we were in outside lane. I shouted abd then DH swung wheel the other way so we were then in inside lane. Thank god nothing was in that lane. I was screaming what are you doing whats happening and DH said he had started to fall asleep at the wheel. he pulled over at nexrt junction and I was crying and I was crying and screaming I just keep thinking we could have been killed, Ds was in the back, if a car had been in the inside lane theres novway he would have survived we were doing 70mph.

DH has been so apologetic since he is genuinely remorseful he cries every time he looks at Ds I know hes thinking what could have happened. But I just can't get over it. I just don't understand how it could have happened, I am so.upset and angry and feel like my feelings towards him have completely changed.

I have no idea what to do or if IABU

I trusted him not to endanger DS and I and he did
He didn't intentionally set out to do it and given you knew how much he had drank the night before, you should have also shared the driving. You're both to "blame".

I often find when I've got a hangover I can feel a bit groggy, but basically OK and able to function, until I have a meal and it's digested, then I just shut down and want to sleep. That could have been what happened to your DH?

Also agree with PPs that you too made errors of judgment and should have driven given that you'd had nothing to drink the day before and he'd had a lot.

Sometimes people make very bad decisions due real or perceived social pressures, eg if they need to be somewhere. Perhaps he usually drives you and / or feels he should or that you'd be pissed off if he didn't?

It is also easy to feel Ok (or think you do) one minute and suddenly fall asleep, and to deny how tired you are because you want to do things / get to places.

Fucking hell, he made one mistake and you changed how you feel about him? Tough crowd!

Everybody makes mistakes, even dreadful ones, and you are lucky in that a lesson has been learnt without anyone getting hurt.

People do fall asleep at the wheel without having realised they were going to, and it gets easier to fall asleep from exhaustion as you get older (and for me as a man, anything age-related that makes me less than superman has come as a complete surprise). I would bet the farm your DH did not believe he was going to endanger any of you for a nanosecond.

If he is an otherwise responsible man, and you are a otherwise responsible woman, have a chat about it and agree to be much more restrictive about what "too tired to drive" is in future - which I guarantee you he has already done, and probably just needs the reasonable conversation and forgiveness. Job done.

YABU and unnecessarily harsh.
Even the best drivers have made mistakes, and tiredness can come on at any time.
You're all safe, please let it go.

A frightening experience, but nobody was hurt. Why not focus on the positives rather than the what ifs? But if you are going to aportion blame, I'd say that you were in a better position to make an objective judgement about your husband's ability to drive, and to notice that he wasn't as alert as he should have been. Your husband is remorseful and apologetic, don't punish him further.

I'd be shocked and scared and upset too, but after all that I'd give him a massive cuddle.

I can't imagine the guilt I'd feel after doing something like that and having my DH there for me would mean a lot.

Just put yourself in his shoes.

I think it's really unfair to question his trustworthiness over this.

Not my experience but my parents. When I was a toddler I cracked my face open on a coffee table at a relatives house. I was talking with my dad about it (it left a scar which I have a bizzare fondness for) and to this day he's still really angry at my mother about it. In his eyes it was entirely preventable and my mother was just an awful person for 'letting' it happen. Never mind that rationally kids tend to end up hurting themselves with very little anyone can do about it.

My point is that I think you're in shock. Car accidents or near misses shake you up at the best of times never mind involving your pfb. To be caused by the person you class as the same in levels of protecting your child (if that makes sense) adds a whole new dimension to any trauma. Your perceptions have been totally screwed with.

But, don't let those emotions over rule. Remind yourself of the facts which include your dh not willingly wanting to hurt his family. It sounds like he's beating himself up over it too. Learn from it and try and move on.

There are some harsh replies here.

Does anyone agree that the OP needs to break down and analyse her feelings rather than activate some kind of top down approach and hope they go away?

I want to know WHY she feels like this about an incident that perhaps ought not to warrant such a strong reaction.

I think this might help.

If my DH had drunk 12 pints the day before and I'd been sober there is no way he'd have been driving us anywhere! You're blaming his judgement, but IMO you're equally to blame. You should have given it some thought and driven yourself. You've both been totally irresponsible and are damn lucky you got nothing more than a fright. I'd let it be a lesson to you both to think before you get behind the wheel of a car after drinking - even if it was the day before. As for your 'falling out of love with him' - I think you should take a long, hard look at your own role in this almost-disaster and then accept equal responsibility.

I want to know WHY she feels like this about an incident that perhaps ought not to warrant such a strong reaction.

Her own guilt for not driving herself, maybe?

It does creep up on you. I often feel sleepy when driving. It's the gentle, lulling motion. Obviously, I stop as soon as I can, but sometimes there is a long way between junctions/services and it really is a case of - there for the grace of God.
Please forgive him and yourself. It wasn't anything deliberate he did.

Do you honestly think your DH would have intentionally put you all in danger? He clearly misjudged how tired he was and that was stupid but it wasn't deliberate.

You need to give yourself some time to get over the shock and anger but recognise that your DH make a mistake rather than consciously did something dangerous with the family.

You're still recovering from the shock of what happened - I think it is perfectly natural to feel differently about him for a short while but it'll pass. It's your mind's way of dealing with the trauma of a very close brush with death.

Regarding falling asleep at the wheel, that's happened to me on days when I was not remotely hungover and started the journey feeling bright-eyed and bushy tailed. Motorway driving is notoriously hypnotic - you're in a warm car, with the soothing hum of the engine and lull of movement, and the scenery is incredibly monotonous. It could have happened even if your DH wasn't hungover, so try not to blame him for what happened anymore as it won't do either of you any favours.

Just go and give the poor bloke a hug, you'll both feel better for it! I hope you feel better soon

I personally would have insisted on driving myself if DD was in the car just because it's not a great idea to drive the day after drinking BUT I would be upset and angry too because he's an adult and (should be) capable of judging situations like this for himself. If your marriage is great apart from this one incident then I would try and let it go and don't beat him up about it any longer. I've been mad at my ex in the past over things similar to this but not quite as bad and I know how it feels but I think it's time to move on and just be grateful that your DS is perfectly fine.

He was probably still over the limit. You knew how much he had and yet you let him drive? Has he done this before ie drinking lots then driving the next day?

Oh and maybe I'm a bit of a lightweight because I rarely drink but isn't 7 pints quite a lot?? I remember feeling tipsy on 2 bottles of lager in the past

Her own guilt for not driving herself, maybe?

Well it's possible but we can't know that without a bit more background.

yes IMO 7 pints is not to be sneezed at.

As people have said u both made mistake. No way would I have let dh drive if he had been up late drinking the night before esp after lunch when tiredness is at its worst. His judgment was impaired by hangover, you need to take responsibility for this too. He probably felt he had to drive when you got in the passenger seat as if he's like dh he won't like to admit he's too tired to drive. You need to give each other a hug and apologise to each other. You had a near miss now u both know to be more careful driving the day after drinking