To completely change how I feel about DH of 12 years in an instant?

[Acunningruse]

DH and I have been together for 12 years married for 8, have a 2.5 year old DS and are TTC no.2. Until last weekend I would have said we were completely happy, possibly more loved up than your average couple with a toddler, lucky that we have babysitters so can go out.

Last weekend we attending a wedding far away from home. DH had been drinking on the day of the wedding but not a massive amount, maybe 7 pints from 12 til 12. He then slept from 1 til 8.30 (ds was at gparents)I hadn't been drinking so the next morning I drove us to gparents to pick Ds up and have lunch there. When we left I automatically sat in passenger seat out of habit but then made to move but DH said no im fine to drive dont worry.

We drove for about an hour, I was reading a magazine and turning round to talk to Ds in the back when I felt the car swerve towards the crash barrier, we were in outside lane. I shouted abd then DH swung wheel the other way so we were then in inside lane. Thank god nothing was in that lane. I was screaming what are you doing whats happening and DH said he had started to fall asleep at the wheel. he pulled over at nexrt junction and I was crying and I was crying and screaming I just keep thinking we could have been killed, Ds was in the back, if a car had been in the inside lane theres novway he would have survived we were doing 70mph.

DH has been so apologetic since he is genuinely remorseful he cries every time he looks at Ds I know hes thinking what could have happened. But I just can't get over it. I just don't understand how it could have happened, I am so.upset and angry and feel like my feelings towards him have completely changed.

I have no idea what to do or if IABU

[DownWithThisTypeOfThing]

Absolutely agree with silverweed - every word.

And I do agree with Through Thick too - he's said sorry, he IS sorry, it wasn't deliberate and you were also in a position to make a judgement about safety. To be so unforgiving towards him may change the way he feels about you.

[Summeblaze]

I don't drink and DH does. The day after he has had a drink of any amount and we are driving as a family or couple, I drive. No drink the day before is much better than some drink especially when driving a long way.

I also do the driving when I go with friends and I insist on them chatting to me if we are driving a long way as long drives are tiring no matter how not tired you were when you started the drive.

YOU shouldn't have let him drive, the same as HE shouldn't have offered. My DH sometimes says he is fine to drive and I say 'thanks but no'.

He is sorry and probably angry with himself. If you loved him like you said you did, just give him a cuddle. He'll be feeling far worse than you. If this ruins your relationship then it wasn't strong to begin with.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

If this ruins your relationship then it wasn't strong to begin with

Absolutely.

[MyFirstName]

Were you maybe being a bit passive-aggressively hurumphy at him for being so drunk the night before and therefore he didn't want to mention how he felt? Do you maybe know this may have been the case and therefore not wanting to accept your PA behaviour may have stopped him saying anything?

Not having a go. Just know how it would have played out in our family - I know I can feel a bit PA if he gets so wasted he is a bit useless.

[SomewhereIBelong]

You are angry, you need to let it pass. He will not feel so loving either - for someone he loves to still be upset and angry(?) after nearly a week, when it was something that can happen to anyone.

DH wasn't paying full attention to the road last week and drove up onto a kerb (kids in car with us too) I shouted out (in shock) when it happened, he said sorry, I asked if he was ok, we moved on. I remember it, but don't feel angry, upset, unloving towards him.

[BreadmakerFan]

I don't get why you are surprised he was awake at lunch and then tired a few hours later

Clearly he was a twat for not pulling over as soon as he felt tired, given the ridiculous amount of alcohol he had in his system. I suspect he'd have been done for drink driving had you been lucky enough to be stopped by the police.

[MyFirstName]

And YY - he will be feeling far worse about what happened than you. Have some empathy - say the right things to him to make him feel a bit better - even if you don't feel them.

[TheWildRumpyPumpus]

Had he been speeding, using his mobile phone, anything actively 'dangerous' then I would understand how you feel.

But you let him drive, even though you had originally intended to (since you said you 'accidentally got into the passenger seat'). Neither of you realised that he was tired to that extent. Thank heaven nobody was injured - be grateful you still have both of them to love and hold.

[Walnutpie]

I think you are feeling shock and are converting it into blame. I think you feel numb with shock and are interpreting that numbness as lack of feeling toward your husband.
The blame game is a deeply immature one.

You both made a mistake that gave you both a shock. Chalk it up to experience.

Your husband and you both deserve some TLC because you surprised yourself that you were complacent about alcohol and driving and it resulted in a near miss.

Take care of yourselves. No more "shoulds" or reproaches. Just go forward with intent to continue loving and be more aware next time.

Love in not love which alters when some shock comes along...

[hoobygalooby]

I get how your feeling OP - I have been in a similar situation but blamed myself totally for not driving. My ex and I had a near miss when he had been drinking the night before. He wasn't over the limit but I had offered to drive and he refused and to avoid a row I gave in and let him. Thankfully nobody was hurt but I was more annoyed with myself for not insisting I drive.
Why do you feel it is your DH's responsibility to keep you and your DS safe? Surely safety is your responsibility too? He made an error of judgement and so did you. Your DS needs you both to keep him safe and you do but accidents happen ... to everyone.

[penisland]

It was a genuine driving mistake and whilst the absolute worst case scenario is pretty scary the most likely thing is that you would've hit either the central reservation or another car and been uninjured. There are lots of accidents on UK motorways every day and very few fatalities. Hopefully reminding yourself of that fact may make you feel a little calmer about the incident.

[kissmethere]

Although anger is there you need to let it go and live and learn.
I don't understand why your feelings for have changed because of this.
I'd be angry but it was obviously bad judgement on both your parts.

[slithytove]

Did he actually nearly kill you?
Or did he nearly cause an accident.

I feel for you as you've had a huge shock and it's very easy for that to manifest in anger and latch itself on the nearest target. But it's just a shock.

You need to tell yourself what DIDNT happen here, not what could have. You need to forgive yourself and DH, put new rules in place for driving, and move on.

You are all fine and have learned a lesson and that's what counts.

[coconutpie]

You are both being U but you more so. It was an ACCIDENT. The way you are going on, you'd swear he deliberately went out to nearly crash the car. He was drinking the day before, you were not. You should have insisted on driving. I don't drink and if my DH has been drinking the night before, I do the driving.

Also, presumably you could've guessed he was tired ... Wedding the day before, lots of drinking, bed late, up early, long drive to collect your DS, followed by lunch (people can get sleepy after lunch), he drives and you are reading a magazine - in that situation it is helpful to keep talking to the driver as it helps them stay awake.

You were lucky the police didn't see ye as he could have possibly been done for being a bit over the limit.

[notinagreatplace]

I really think - particularly since it's been a week now - that you need to show him some affection, even if you're not feeling it. Have you given him a hug? He really needs some support too.

[IrianofWay]

No, personally I wouldn't be angry with him. I might react angrily in the moment because fear can do that. But it wouldn't last. I'd save my real anger for deliberate actions not stupid (near)accidents that anyone could have.

[Alibabsandthe40Musketeers]

This sentence is leaping out at me

I automatically sat in the passenger seat out of habit.

Why does he always drive? I think you need to look at the dynamic of your relationship and ask yourself why he isn't allowed to make a mistake.

If you had made that error, and he was feeling towards you the way you are feeling towards him at the moment, how would that make you feel? Would you think he was entitled to his anger, or would you be thinking 'ffs i've made a mistake, i've said sorry, I clearly am very sorry and upset - what more does he want'.

[sashh]

You both made a mistake. He did drink a massive amount, he had enough for it to count as binge drinking, if it was normal beer it would be 14 units, if it was something stronger then it would be more.

But, NO ONE DIED, yes it was stupid of him to drive, yes it was stupid of you to let him or to sit in the passenger seat.

Everyone does stupid things sometimes, I'm sure every parent has a 'what if' about something they have done or a near miss.

This was a near miss for which you are both equally responsible. Give each other a hug, give your ds a hug and make plans for you to drive if he drinks and he drives if you drink.

And if he usually drives when you are together have a think about when else you have let him drive at less than 100% capability, has he driven you when he has been ill? Hungover? Distracted by work commitments?

[whois]

You sound absolutely awful actually OP.

Your husband made a mistake, a very scary and dangerous mistake, but has admitted he was wrong and is shocked and apologetic.

An you just can't accept that and move past. Not exactly a very loving wife are you?

I hope you have NEVER had a moments in attention, distraction or tiredness when driving.

[Summerisle1]

You've had a very frightening experience and yes, will be in shock. So I'm not surprised that you've been angry and upset.

However, you still have to get this into perspective unless you want one mistake to ruin a good marriage. Especially a mistake that could have been avoided if you'd thought more carefully about your DH's likely fitness to drive and insisted that you drove home. That said, all the analysis in the world won't turn back time. So realise that a mistake was made but by good fortune, no awful consequences resulted, stop punishing your DH and move on.

[Duckdeamon]

Not a good dynamic for the man to always drive.

[Chchchchangeabout]

I think you both made an error of judgement letting him drive and it is easier for you to be cross with him than yourself. You can both learn from it and let it go.

[CrabbyTheCrabster]

There's no way he would have been over the limit in the afternoon of the following day (unless he'd been drinking with lunch). Some ridiculous comments here.

OP you are massively overreacting here. I feel sorry for your DH. People make mistakes (you did too, by not driving if you thought he was tired/too hungover) and have near misses. That's life.

Your shock and turmoil are understandable, but blaming him is not on.

[getbusyliving]

YABU this one mistake changes your feelings in an instant? The relationship does not sound very solid if that's really the case.