To completely change how I feel about DH of 12 years in an instant?

[Acunningruse]

DH and I have been together for 12 years married for 8, have a 2.5 year old DS and are TTC no.2. Until last weekend I would have said we were completely happy, possibly more loved up than your average couple with a toddler, lucky that we have babysitters so can go out.

Last weekend we attending a wedding far away from home. DH had been drinking on the day of the wedding but not a massive amount, maybe 7 pints from 12 til 12. He then slept from 1 til 8.30 (ds was at gparents)I hadn't been drinking so the next morning I drove us to gparents to pick Ds up and have lunch there. When we left I automatically sat in passenger seat out of habit but then made to move but DH said no im fine to drive dont worry.

We drove for about an hour, I was reading a magazine and turning round to talk to Ds in the back when I felt the car swerve towards the crash barrier, we were in outside lane. I shouted abd then DH swung wheel the other way so we were then in inside lane. Thank god nothing was in that lane. I was screaming what are you doing whats happening and DH said he had started to fall asleep at the wheel. he pulled over at nexrt junction and I was crying and I was crying and screaming I just keep thinking we could have been killed, Ds was in the back, if a car had been in the inside lane theres novway he would have survived we were doing 70mph.

DH has been so apologetic since he is genuinely remorseful he cries every time he looks at Ds I know hes thinking what could have happened. But I just can't get over it. I just don't understand how it could have happened, I am so.upset and angry and feel like my feelings towards him have completely changed.

I have no idea what to do or if IABU

[AuntyMag10]

Sophie the op did say she is feeling guilty over it.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

He only had 7 pints, not 12. At 3 units per pint, 24 hours from starting drinking, he would be clear to drive (maybe unless you are in Scotland).

He was tired and hungover, had eaten a big meal presumably, then driven in the mid-afternoon when most people are tired anyway. Put motorway driving into the equation... I'm not surprised he fell asleep.

You were all very lucky.

But he made a mistake. He recognises he did, he has apologised.

I think you are over-reacting, but I also think you are probably still in shock.

[microferret]

to the people flaming the OP, what good do you actually think upsetting this poor lady further will achieve? She's posting here because she knows in her gut that her feelings are not quite rational, and she needs support and reassurance, not derision.

[SophieHatters]

This seems to think that 7 pints = roughly 20 units, and starting drinking at around 12pm would mean he was sober by 8am the next day.

There are variables of course.

[SophieHatters]

Sophie the op did say she is feeling guilty over it.

I know. It doesn't mean that is the only reason she is feeling so strongly about the incident.

[skinnyamericano]

It was 7 pints over 12 hours. Yes, a lot, but not stupidly so at a wedding.

By 2pm the next day, I very much doubt he would have been over the limit.

A careless mistake made due to tiredness. Luckily everything was ok. I think you have to accept his apology and move on OP.

[notinagreatplace]

You've had a horrible shock and I completely understand how shaken up you must be.

But, at the same time, your DH did not do it deliberately and feels horrible. He deserves your support. How would you feel if you made a mistake like this and your DH rejected you and blamed you? You need to make sure that, as a couple, these things bring you together not drive you apart.

[Silverweed]

I think thete is a clue to why you fell you have "fallen out of love" where you say "i trusted him to kerp us safe". This is not just the dad's job, it's yours too. Had you fallen in love with a knight on a white charger?

Now you have discovered he's not invincible; he's an amazing human being who really really loves his family, which is why he keeps crying. You are so lucky.

But he made a mistake, just as you did - and unfortunately on this occasion you both made the same mistake at the same time. You have both learned, and lickily without it being any harder away than an awful fright.

He is human, he will make mistakes again. As will you. You have had a big adjustment, I think maybe you had a very slightly unrealistic version of him in your head. But wow, he dounds like a great guy. You'll need to fully accept him as he is for a happy marriage - all marriages need this.

You have learned something very important here, several things. You have lots to be thankful for.

[IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou]

Nobody plans to fall asleep at the wheel - it really does just catch you.

You've both had a shock, but I don't think it should be a relationship changer - it's not fair to blame him, just learn from the experience.

[Acunningruse]

Wow, so many responses while DS and I were playing trains thank you. Yes I think I do feel massively guilty for not fully appreciating the risk of driving when tired\after alcohol, and in my head I am projecting this onto him. I don't think I do see him as invincible or a white knight as such but as a PP said its just that feeling of of the adult you love most in the world threatening the safety of the child you love most in the world, I feel like my emotions have been tipped on their head. Not explaining it very well hopefully people know what I mean.

Some very good advice about safe driving in future.

To the PP who said about divorce no hand on heart I don't see that happening but I just don't feel loving towards him at present but I know I do need to forgive him and move on.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

I would be absolutely furious if my Dh reacted to me as you are reacting to him. After 12 years of a 'loving' - that's my emphasis, I'm not sure it can be - you react like this.

Be very careful it doesn't go the other way and he starts becoming furious with you

[Acunningruse]

Really Thick? Your husband almost kills you and your child and you wouldn't feel an ounce of anger?

[Radiatorvalves]

I often feel tired after lunch, regardless of whether I've had a drink the night before. DH too, to a lesser extent. One question to ask is why he didn't tell you he was feeling tired and needed to stop?

[Acunningruse]

Sorry, Through

[Acunningruse]

That is the main cause of my anger I think Radiator. I have asked him and at first he said it came on really quickly, but later that night he said "yes I should have told you as soon as I started to feel tired" which implies there was long enough to do so.

amaybe I'm not 100% satisfied with his explanation but he is so obviously upset I feel cruel to start picking apart his explanation.

[MeganChips]

My DH did this once. I was angry and shaken too but we pulled over and I took over the driving.

I forgave him easily, people are human and no harm was done.

We do have a very strict tiredness rule in place now though.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

That's ok you can call me Thick .

Yes really. I love my husband. He loves me. I may be cross but not nearly the anger you are showing. He didnt kill you or your son. I doubt he'll be close to doing it again. You need to move on from it, for all your sakes.

[flora717]

No I wouldn't be angry. He felt OK, he's fallible. It happens. He was shocked and upset. He was not reckless / being macho. Lesson learned.

[Legionofboom]

Before I could move on I would need to understand why he hadn't pulled over when he started feeling tired. He must have been feeling drowsy before he actually nodded off so why didn't he stop?

Without knowing why he didn't stop I would be concerned that it could happen again.

[Legionofboom]

And I agree with others that while I would be upset I cannot imagine for one moment that it would completely change how I feel about my DH.

People screw up. It happens. Learn from it and move on.

[fascicle]

Acunningruse
Really Thick? Your husband almost kills you and your child and you wouldn't feel an ounce of anger?

Your previous post sounded reasoned and as though you were coming round. This one sounds harsh and unfair. You were as responsible as your husband for him driving, so to say 'your husband almost kills you' is very disproportionate.

[Radiatorvalves]

Time for a conversation! I may be wrong, but maybe he is a bit macho...doesn't want you to think he is tired or hungover? I know my DH occasionally says he's fine...I question that, and he agrees he is tired. He also gives me a hard time if I'm dozing and not chatting to him and keeping him going.

[RabidFairy]

You are angry. You haven't changed how you feel about him, you are angry. It makes sense; it sounds like a terribly scary moment.

My DH has made the odd stupid driving decision, as have I. We're all human. You need to move past this IMO.

[Nanny0gg]

It is really easy (ime) to go from feeling ok to not being in full control.

You need to forgive. It could have been you in the same position, it really could.

[Cornettoninja]

I'm not sure how helpful analysing the event itself to death actually is. Picking over it on a minute by minute basis is going to do nothing to reduce your feeling that he's in the wrong. Given he's acknowledged that already, is there actually anything he could say that is going to change your mind or make you feel better?

Any conversations focussing on all the points in time he could have took a different action are just going to stack up and condemn him further, and in turn fuel your anger at him. So now it's not just the actual event but all the theoretical points it could have been avoided which you're angry at him over.