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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is he being selfish or am I a killjoy?

201 replies

fabby40 · 11/06/2015 10:29

So we have 3 young dc. I am a sahm but I am looking for part time work. Dh is about to be between jobs and we have received a large inheritance. Once mortgage paid off we will have maye 150k in the bank.
now dh wants to spend maybe 30k converting the loft so he can have a room for him to use as a hobby room. Thinking building train tracks etc etc.
I am of course happy to support him in this (it is his inheritance) but I do have some qualms about spending alot of money when we will both be between employment. Everyone round us seem to be of the go for it mate mentality which I understand following a bereavement .
mn jury what do you think?
aibu

OP posts:
Original poster
fabby40 · 12/06/2015 07:38

O and I suggested converting the garage as is makes more financial sense in terms of expense v return etc but he wants to do the loft as its bigger.

OP posts:
londonrach · 12/06/2015 07:38

Im shocked at those who cant understand a man who has trains. I grown up in a house surrounded by trains, my dads. You paid the morgage off and still got 120 left afterwards id go for it as add money to the house value anyway. The difference between an man and a boy is the price of his toys. In op case the man cave isnt effecting the family in money terms.

Original poster
fabby40 · 12/06/2015 07:47

O and its not the family car we are replacing. We already have a sensible family car. It will be his car and he will of course select a car which will give him the most pleasure but that's fine as it is still essential that he has a car. But the kids won't use it and I will only drive it if it needs servicing based on previous experience.

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 12/06/2015 07:50

It'll probably be 40k+ in reality, which OP thinks is unlikely to add much value to the property, (plus 20k for a new car), when no one in the family is currently in work and there are a lot of years ahead. Top much IMO.

Athenaviolet · 12/06/2015 07:55

Selfish git!

He's got 3 young DCs!

There is so much they'll need in the future.

Ime people with young DCs completely underestimate how stratospherically the costs of DCs rise as they get older.

If he still has the £30k once the youngest has flown the nest he can spend it then.

Would be unbelievably selfish to spend that now on a silly hobby when neither of you are even in secure employment.

FantasticButtocks · 12/06/2015 08:08

His father died. And left him some money. He is going to spend some of it on himself and some on the family and house.

What do you think your fil would think about your part in this?

HellonHeels · 12/06/2015 08:16

Having read some of your later updates OP I'm wondering if this is really so much about the money or if the debate over it has just brought to the fore some other issues.

You sound angry and fed up with him and as if you've had feelings about him being selfish for some time.

BathtimeFunkster · 12/06/2015 08:16

I think if he's already wiped out your savings by quitting his job and is planning to significantly reduce your income permanently based on having this money, that he's already had enough treats from this money.

The amount you will have in savings now will just about compensate for his lower earnings in future.

Blowing another £30K on him (on a room he is planning to exclude the children from!) when he has spent that much on giving up his job without another lined up seems incredibly self-indulgent.

He is putting a hobby room ahead of his children's standard of living.

I cannot get my head around a father who would be so selfish.

Good thing his father wasn't like that.

TendonQueen · 12/06/2015 08:17

I'm most surprised by people saying airily 'you'll soon be in work again, six months to a year at most'. That's not been the experience of people I know looking for work in the last few years - even for highly employable people it has on occasion been more than a year. In that instance you're going to use a big chunk of the money already. I would get jobs sorted for both of you before spending any of it.

Original poster
fabby40 · 12/06/2015 08:19

I am not saying he can't. I am just wuestioning on a forum the sense of spending say 40k on a loft conversion which will not add much value to the house. I have already supported him in resigning from work on the strength of the inheritance coming. If the house sale had fallen through we would have struggled. I have even suggedted converting the garage or a garden room so I am not didmissing the concept.

OP posts:
Original poster
fabby40 · 12/06/2015 08:21

Only the youngest would be barred initially as he might break things etc etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
fabby40 · 12/06/2015 08:29

Probably deep down hellonheels although I was only recalling them as a means of explaining that I am not materialistic as such and that dh is more motivated by money. He will buy the latest video games and consoles etc but none of that really bothers me.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 12/06/2015 08:29

He doesn't want to spend £30k on Thomas, Gordon and the fat controller, ffs Hmm He wants a hobby room. Lots of people put their huge screen TV's and games consoles in the loft room. Is that any better?
It'a an extra room; which can be converted to any other use more or less immediately it becomes necessary.

I'm struggling to see the issue. Op, I think you brought the arses out in force by mentioning trains...
Oh, and loft conversions are supposedly that extension that adds most value to your home.

Original poster
fabby40 · 12/06/2015 08:33

Thsts interesting flogging will definitely do some more research.

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 12/06/2015 08:36

The issue is he has permanently reduced the family's income, spent £30 odd grand on giving up his job with no job to go to, and is currently unemployed.

In this situation he is planning to spend almost half the family's capital on himself.

Who does that?

Duckdeamon · 12/06/2015 08:45

He also apparently has form for not engaging in family life in the evenings after work (many of us have difficult jobs and commutes and manage OK). Anyway, lower paid jobs aren't necessarily going to be less tiring or stressful.

lightgreenglass · 12/06/2015 08:45

Having read your update about wiping out your current savings and resigning from his job, which was above £60k, I think that some of the money should be ring fenced for your kids. I know my DH would see it as family money not his, and vice versa. I still would let him have the room but I would be saying no to a £20k car - second hand will do.

thegirlinthebed · 12/06/2015 08:51

Technically it's 'his' inheitance - but personally if either me or DH inherited money we would both see it as family money - and decide what to do from there.

I'd probably hold off until one or both of you have jobs

Ladyofsuspense · 12/06/2015 09:05

I could easily sink £30k into my hobby with nothing to show for it afterwards except a 'boy racer' modified car which would be worth nothing in the resale.

So, yeah, there are definitely worse hobbies to spend £30k on, especially if you are getting a lift conversion out of it!

Hullygully · 12/06/2015 09:13

Speaking as an arse, cheers molly, and leaving the weird train fetish aside momentarily, the thing that is even stranger is that in my view when two people marry/live together, they throw in their lot together, and even more so when they have kids. It seems very odd to me that an adult would want to spend 30k of the family's resources, because they ARE a family unit, on something so essentially selfish.

Original poster
fabby40 · 12/06/2015 09:14

Well we have had a chat and we have decided to wait until we have regular money coming in.
He has been under enormous stress lately with work problems and fil so I can understand why he was wiped out each evening. Since leaving things have improved and he is making job searching a job in itself. He has another interview today so fingers crossed.

OP posts:
Original poster
fabby40 · 12/06/2015 09:17

Our current savings was only really 2 months salary anyway.

OP posts:
Gabilan · 12/06/2015 09:22

Good to hear fabby. Almost any job that pays 60k+ must be very stressful. Grieving for a parent can also knock you so much off kilter that you make decisions you wouldn't do at other times.

Oh and he's NOT spending 30k on a hobby. The majority of that is going on a loft conversion that potentially does benefit the whole family. This is getting perilously close to RTFBTT there are reasons they don't make their own sandwiches.

canweseethebunnies · 12/06/2015 09:27

It's sounds like it's not about the money, it's about the fact that he's generally a selfish git, who does what he pleases without caring what you think about it!

I did suspect that earlier on, as I think if that were not the case, you wouldn't begrudge him a bit of indulgence around his hobby. I'm glad you have come to a decision you are happy with, but I think the resentment is more deep seated. Is that right?

ahbollocks · 12/06/2015 09:30

I yhink it sounds okay! But then my lovely dad is train nuts too, I think you both need to job hunt while starting now, but tbh it sounds like your dh has been incredibly stressed and needs a treat/ some thing to enjoy now.