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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is he being selfish or am I a killjoy?

201 replies

fabby40 · 11/06/2015 10:29

So we have 3 young dc. I am a sahm but I am looking for part time work. Dh is about to be between jobs and we have received a large inheritance. Once mortgage paid off we will have maye 150k in the bank.
now dh wants to spend maybe 30k converting the loft so he can have a room for him to use as a hobby room. Thinking building train tracks etc etc.
I am of course happy to support him in this (it is his inheritance) but I do have some qualms about spending alot of money when we will both be between employment. Everyone round us seem to be of the go for it mate mentality which I understand following a bereavement .
mn jury what do you think?
aibu

OP posts:
5Foot5 · 11/06/2015 13:59

Does no one think it's astonishing to be married to an ADULT WHO WANTS TO BUILD TRAIN TRACKS?

What I find astonishing is the number of people prepared to be sneery about someone else's hobby just because it is not to their taste.

IMO they are the kill joys on this thread.

TheChandler · 11/06/2015 14:01

A loft conversion sounds like a good idea. Its not like spending 30k on a Harley Davidson. It will add value to your house, possibly more than 30k.

If you have 3 DCs you must either live in a 4 bedroom bungalow, or need the space...

Original poster
fabby40 · 11/06/2015 14:11

I presume he will do 50% of the childcare and housework if we are going for equality but I doubt that will happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
fabby40 · 11/06/2015 14:13

We live in a large 4 bedroom house with study and playroom so plenty of room to live normally but nowhere for hobby at present.

OP posts:
AmberLav · 11/06/2015 14:19

My only objection would be if it is a room solely for him, as I have seen that come up on threads in the past, almost a locked secret cave. If he is happy for it to also be used by the rest of the family, as equals, then I would say go for it...

Sallystyle · 11/06/2015 14:21

The slagging off his hobby is pathetic and really immature.

I colour in, crochet and watch soaps.

Thankfully my husband doesn't think I am a knob.

There will still be plenty of money left, but at the same time I don't think asking him to wait until a job is secured is completely unreasonable either.

BaronVonShush · 11/06/2015 14:22

Nothing wrong with a conversion but I would question why its not going to be a shared space. Depends how big your house is.

Original poster
fabby40 · 11/06/2015 14:25

Long term the children will be able to access it if they so wish but initially itcwill be more ofca dh hobby room.

OP posts:
Original poster
fabby40 · 11/06/2015 14:26

C is clearly next to space bar!

OP posts:
LurcioAgain · 11/06/2015 14:34

Fabby - I don't see the problem. It's not like the 30K disappears - it adds to the price of your home.

And I don't get this snobbishness about hobbies either - I have several some socially acceptable, some not - classical music (gets tick points from intellectual snobs), rock climbing (seen as outdoorsy and healthy), writing fanfic (seen as the female equivalent of train spotting, hence I don't admit to it in public). I enjoy all of them. They're harmless ways of passing the time, making myself happy and carving out a bit of time for myself. Their social acceptability or otherwise is neither here nor there when it comes to how much I get out of them.

Hobbies are only bad if they harm other people, or stop you fulfilling obligations towards others in RL. Otherwise, who gives a shiney shit if they're "cool" or not?

LurcioAgain · 11/06/2015 14:36

FWIW I probably have several thousand pounds each of classical instruments and climbing/outdoor kit... Admittedly accumulated gradually over the course of getting on for forty years. But somehow a £500 violin bow is okay, but spending that on a train set is not... I don't get it. It's sheer intellectual snobbery as far as I'm concerned.

toomuchtooold · 11/06/2015 14:39

What would get on my nerves with this suggestion is that it strongly implies he's going to disappear up there for hours on end leaving you looking after the kids. Bugger that. The 30k may be his alone (debatable) but he shouldn't be able to leverage it into obtaining thousands of pounds worth of unpaid childcare from you while he is free to pursue his hobby.

TheChandler · 11/06/2015 14:50

I think its really healthy to have at least one hobby, and I can't see this objection to your DH having one. Its also his inheritance, presumably from his parents, and how do you think they would have felt about his being barred from spending 15% on it in the way he chose? Its not even 15% on himself, you mentioned £500 as an initial cost of the train equipment, and the rest is going on your house (although I agree that with 4 bedrooms, a playroom and a study its unlikely to add much if anything to the value).

I'm actually a bit shocked by this thread - if I my DH tried to stop me spending a small part of my inheritance in the way I chose, especially after paying off the mortgage for the home we lived in together, I'd take it as a very bad sign that he was mainly interested in how much money I could bring in, and what material things I could provide him with. I don't think I could tolerate it in fact.

Is the poor man not allowed a space of his own in this house? And if indeed he does shirk his responsibilities by disappearing up there for hours on end, deal with it when that happens, not in advance, just in case he might...

Dutch1e · 11/06/2015 14:56

Slightly off-topic... now that you're in a position of having no mortgage and a nice nest egg, and seeing as you're desperate to get back to work but childcare costs are insane prohibitive.... why don't you talk about DH being the SAHP and you working? One income, no mortgage and no childcare costs seems fairly reasonable.

liquidrevolution · 11/06/2015 15:01

we had a similar situation except we are not getting a lump sum but a yearly payout from a trust. I let DH buy a 25k landrover defender.

He doesnt drink or smoke or watch sport or go on lads holidays so I figure he deserved it. He was very close to the deceased relative who shared a love of cars so it made sense.

But I would minimise the amount of work that needs doing for the conversion unless you will be adding value to the property. He can climb a ladder surely? Alternatively put the trains in the smallest room and take the conversion for a master bedroom suite? then at least you can enjoy it too.

mmgirish · 11/06/2015 15:06

'Have not but want' brigade...

What does that mean????

Plus, I'm all up for equality minus. I'm the main breadwinner in my home but I wouldn't suggest spending a large amount of the family money on my hobby whilst out of work. Nor do I consider the money I make to be mine...

Original poster
fabby40 · 11/06/2015 15:10

No way would I stop him spending it but just feel we should wait till one of us is working. Hopefully it won't be long. Maybe we could swap roles for a while. Will have to see how job searching pans out.
I guess my concern is party disappearing for hours on end. He already has one hobby which probably costs the same as my hobby (ignoring usual gaming) but at the minute my hobby doesn't impact on family life. This will change when I return to work.

OP posts:
peggyundercrackers · 11/06/2015 15:23

if we are going for equality are you going to put 200k into the family pot as well? or are you going to let him fund the family and also do half the work needed - that's not very equal is it?

TheChandler · 11/06/2015 15:26

No way would I stop him spending it but just feel we should wait till one of us is working.

But what if something else comes up then which means he should put it off too?

How would you feel if someone was trying to control how you spent your inheritance?

tbh I'd forget the loft conversion on such a large bungalow and let him use either the study or build a conservatory and use that. But it sounds like he is the one in the family that has so far to make way for everyone else.

And yes, he will probably have to buy a car since he will lose his company car and lose that part of his pension - perfectly normal consequences of changing jobs and not really something that he should be blamed for. Many of us don't even have company cars.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 11/06/2015 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
fabby40 · 11/06/2015 15:58

Actuall peggy I have already put quite a bit into house pot. How else do you think we only had 50k mortgage on large home in South East.? Plus the small inheritance I got all went into pot and at least one of his cars was paid for by my Tessa proceeds.

OP posts:
Idontseeanydragons · 11/06/2015 15:59

I quite regularly get naked with a man who brought his n gauge trains with him to our house, unbelievably he's a perfectly civilised and house trained human being Smile
OP £500 on the train sets won't get him very far and it gets a little addictive when they start looking at all the engines, tracks and accessories online, I would (if you're going to go ahead) discuss a final cap on spending. Is suggesting a shed for him out of the question?
Just make sure he takes notice of your opinions as well.

kungfupannda · 11/06/2015 16:03

I'd love a train track room. I'd make all those little houses and have the tiny little people all over the place.

And then I'd make the trains go as fast as I could until they fell off the tracks and my father-in-law disowned me for not playing with it properly. He likes accurate set-ups with shunting and sidings and things like that.

But then I'm sad like that.

Idontseeanydragons · 11/06/2015 16:10

Anybody who think model trains are 'sad' or worth sneering at should have a look at the Miniatur Wunderland exhibition in Hamburg, it's a work of art complete with a working airport Smile

IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou · 11/06/2015 16:17

if my DH tried to stop me spending a small part of my inheritance in the way I chose, especially after paying off the mortgage for the home we lived in together, I'd take it as a very bad sign that he was mainly interested in how much money I could bring in, and what material things I could provide him with. I don't think I could tolerate it in fact.

Exactly. And it doesn't automatically become family money - he's an adult.
Personally, if it was mine, after the mortgage had been paid off & the loft conversion carried out, I'd stick £20k in the kids accounts for later on in life, £30k in the OH's and the remaining £50k would be mine - to do with as we wanted with no strings attached!!