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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is he being selfish or am I a killjoy?

201 replies

fabby40 · 11/06/2015 10:29

So we have 3 young dc. I am a sahm but I am looking for part time work. Dh is about to be between jobs and we have received a large inheritance. Once mortgage paid off we will have maye 150k in the bank.
now dh wants to spend maybe 30k converting the loft so he can have a room for him to use as a hobby room. Thinking building train tracks etc etc.
I am of course happy to support him in this (it is his inheritance) but I do have some qualms about spending alot of money when we will both be between employment. Everyone round us seem to be of the go for it mate mentality which I understand following a bereavement .
mn jury what do you think?
aibu

OP posts:
ScrambledEggAndToast · 11/06/2015 16:20

Is he kidding??!! If he is desperate for this, could you suggest that for now you earmark £30k for the conversion and if you still have the money when you are both working then the conversion can go ahead. That way, you aren't tying up money that you might potentially need and he knows that the project can go ahead as long as it's financially viable.

RandomMess · 11/06/2015 16:22

My only concern would that he'd spend an awful lot of time on this hobby and opt out of family live in everyway. Wouldn't be about the money at all.

DixieNormas · 11/06/2015 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 11/06/2015 17:05

Erm, no. Get jobs first.

FiveExclamations · 11/06/2015 22:01

"Um, building train tracks? A grown man?"

[Eyes two train tracks in the garden (different gauges), two ride on engines, three model size and the newly constructed guards van]

Oh dear Grin.

I think my DH needs credit for actually building this stuff, there's quite a lot of engineering involved, DD helps out and is learning a whole bunch of practical skills.

What about a garden railway op? He wouldn't need the loft conversion then -more money to spend on engines.

Purplepoodle · 11/06/2015 22:11

I'd go for the loft conversion. It's going to create space (always good with three kids). As kids get older it could become a kids sittingroom. Plus u can end the tribe up there with him while playing trains.

My dad used to spend hours in next door neighbours loft conversion playing trains.

Original poster
fabby40 · 11/06/2015 22:12

I have never stopped him spending anything on himself. Even tne £100 treat he brought himself whilst I was in hospital recovering from my last csection. It was on the pretense he was buying stuff for the older two boys ftom ds3. It would seem the only person "ds3" forgot was the person who gave birth to him.
Although tbf I did spend some of my inheritance on myself and the dc for days out in the school holidays.

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Original poster
fabby40 · 11/06/2015 22:15

I wouldn't want 30k iknow. I judt want the kids to have a secure future and maybe a decent famiky holiday once our finances are secure.

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comedancing · 11/06/2015 22:46

Haven't read all posts but hearing your dh wants to spend 30 000 then a new car l can see ye going through that money in no time. Money coming in every month seems to go further as you budget and there is more coming but a lump sum will go so quickly. Why not a holiday? Then pay the credit card off? Etc etc soon it's gone. We were in that situation and lm embarrassed how much we went through until we pulled ourselves up and remembered we had three kids to put through college. Danger too of not looking for job as have money. Also my dh never considered it his inheritance but for us all. So few treats then lash it away get jobs and continue as normal with the lovely cushion of no mortgage so comfortable. Max 2000 on hobby. Money dwindling away can make you resentful as much as never having it

Original poster
fabby40 · 11/06/2015 22:55

He is looking at cars round about 20k too. I know a car is essential but yes, it is another expense.

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 11/06/2015 23:11

my dh has a hobby too. My mum thinks it is silly, it is mainly painting figures, but then she complains all the time about how my dad used to go to the pub all the time. I know which id prefer. Personaly i dont get the new obsession with crochet and knitting. It's not the 50s. Hobbies are supposed to be things that add to your life enjoyment, not be what other people think are acceptable. My fil collects trains / tracks. He has an attic room conversion. He has been single for about 20 years so it isnt an issue. I would love for my dh to have a man cave (containing all his paints
/ models etc) but it would prefer a ground floor room. If he was painting in the attic i would never see him! So being in the attic, and between jobs, would be my concerns.

cariadlet · 11/06/2015 23:12

I'd quite like a loft conversion with a huge train layout - but only if dd and I could set it up so that it ran through a Sylvanian village.

Gabilan · 11/06/2015 23:16

"I guess my worry is that we could have to live off the 120k if it takes time for us to find employment."

I tend to worry that I'll have nothing to live off and no house. Ho hum.

So long as he doesn't just retreat into the loft and stops looking for jobs I don't get the problem. Maybe nix the £20k car until one of you is working though.

partialderivative · 11/06/2015 23:20

Now, if it were Scaletrix, I would be in full support of your DH.

I don't now why!

thewavesofthesea · 11/06/2015 23:23

If this was my DH, I would be happy with it if he would allow our boys to benefit from it too,Munich I know he would. It sounds fab to me!

Original poster
fabby40 · 11/06/2015 23:28

I know that sounds awful gabalin. We are really fortunate to have this money although I would rather fil was still with us but I guss I just want a legacy to pass onto ds3 who really won't remember his grandparents and ds1 and 2 of course.I guess I wasn't envisaging using it for living expenses. I suppose the coversion would fit the bill but I was thinking more of a 1st car and putting though university.

OP posts:
Original poster
fabby40 · 11/06/2015 23:29

If they show interest they will benefit long term but at the moment the youngest definitely will be barred.

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Original poster
fabby40 · 11/06/2015 23:34

In this scenario ikonw what would you live off whilst between jobs and would ayou also buy a 20k car?

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Original poster
fabby40 · 11/06/2015 23:36

Sorty I sed 20k is spare.

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Gabilan · 11/06/2015 23:37

"I guess I wasn't envisaging using it for living expenses. "

No, I agree with a windfall it's nice to be able to invest it in some way. But I think what counts as an investment can vary and isn't always about money. I think the idea above to put some in secure savings accounts is good, or buy ISAs for the DCs, that way you keep some aside. Then use some of it to enjoy yourselves. IMO those memories are a kind of investment.

Part of the reason I have so little money is because I have a horse. But I figure that if and when I get to a penurious old age, I will have brilliant memories. Bit different for me not having DCs, but having 120k and no mortgage is brilliant. You get to have some security and some happy memories.

Original poster
fabby40 · 11/06/2015 23:38

Sorry I see

OP posts:
lightgreenglass · 11/06/2015 23:47

I would go for the loft conversion with the train set - I think it's great when people have hobbies and I know my DH loves to play with DS train set and everyone would benefit.

You don't mention your professions and earning potential - do you both earn a decent wage when employed, especially considering you'll be mortgage free?

If so - put the money you would have spent on your mortgage into savings and you'll soon build up that £30k once you have jobs and for all those other things you mentioned for your children.

Original poster
fabby40 · 12/06/2015 00:30

My role was more admin related and dh is planning on going for a lower level job so actually we probably won't see as big a benefit in having no mortgage and me returning to work after factoring in childcare.. Although I guess we may get child benefit back.

OP posts:
TheChandler · 12/06/2015 06:48

We are really fortunate to have this money although I would rather fil was still with us but I guss I just want a legacy to pass onto ds3 who really won't remember his grandparents and ds1 and 2 of course.

If your FIL intended the money to be left to his grandchildren, then presumably he would have done so. Its not really joint money, and I think its a bit inappropriate for you to dictate what your FIL's will should be spent on.

Your DH sounds really very sensible. He has paid off your mortgage and his plans involve improving your house and buying a family car, with actually very little for himself.

dh is planning on going for a lower level job so actually we probably won't see as big a benefit in having no mortgage

Do you discount every thing this man does? Maybe he is stressed and wants to use the inheritance he was left by his father to make his life a little easier. Which to be fair, I think he is entitled to do, after paying off the mortgage.

Original poster
fabby40 · 12/06/2015 07:30

I am happy for him to take a lower level job thechandler. It will hopefully mean he can actually participate in family life in the evenings instead of coming home and slumping in front of tv all night. I even supported him by allowing our current savings to be wiped out as he resigned before the money came through. You clearly think I am a money grabbing cow but that couldn't be further from the truth.
I was merely replying to lightgreen who suggested we could rebuild the 30k with no mortgage.

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