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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is he being selfish or am I a killjoy?

201 replies

fabby40 · 11/06/2015 10:29

So we have 3 young dc. I am a sahm but I am looking for part time work. Dh is about to be between jobs and we have received a large inheritance. Once mortgage paid off we will have maye 150k in the bank.
now dh wants to spend maybe 30k converting the loft so he can have a room for him to use as a hobby room. Thinking building train tracks etc etc.
I am of course happy to support him in this (it is his inheritance) but I do have some qualms about spending alot of money when we will both be between employment. Everyone round us seem to be of the go for it mate mentality which I understand following a bereavement .
mn jury what do you think?
aibu

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 11/06/2015 12:37

Neither the OP or her DH will soon have a job, he wants a local, lower paid job, and is going to stop paying into his pension (with a lot of years to go before they are at retirement age) and they have three young DC.

Signlake · 11/06/2015 12:43

I don't see anything odd about having a hobby
Confused

In this situation I'd encourage my OH to go ahead. Plus the loft conversion will hopefully add value onto the house if you choose to sell

I think some of these comments are very unfair

worksallhours · 11/06/2015 12:46

Winter .. but it isn't buying something for himself, is it?

It's spending £30k on setting up a hobby at a time when he is not in employment and has young children with a DW that does not work.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 11/06/2015 12:51

worksallhours said exactly what I am thinking.

30k is way too much but even ignoring the money, it is the wrong time of your lives to be getting so involved in a solitary hobby like that.

Minus2seventy3 · 11/06/2015 12:54

A train set?! The absolute fucker. Use his inheritance from his dead relative to pay off the house, take the majority of the remaining £150k as a SAHM/primary carer, and LTB. It's the only way to be sure.

[tongue firmly in cheek]

Sallygoroundthemoon · 11/06/2015 12:57

His inheritance, his choice. You will still have no mortgage and 120k, plus a loft conversion.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 11/06/2015 12:58

No, its improving and extending his house. And also having a hobby. Which is fine.

The mortgage will be paid off and the bank balance will still be extremely healthy. OP can get a full time job if she wants. What is with this idea that HE has to immediately get work, even though a huge chunk of his income now won't be disappearing into a mortgage? Why is he the only one responsible? If he was telling her she couldn't have hobby because she wasn't earning you'd be aghast!

Plus he's currently looking for work anyway. So what on earth is the problem? Some people can turn any positive into a negative! Bigger house, lots of money left, happy man with hobby, wife can choose full or part time work, husband can take less pressured job or less hours due to needing less money...

seems like its win win win all around to me. Why so determined to make issues?

ApeMan · 11/06/2015 13:00

"Um, building train tracks? A grown man?

Is that really a very attractive trait in a partner?"

I think some of the less dorky hobbies are not as conducive to a happy marriage and family life as people might imagine. :)

I have had to give up a few of them since settling down, and whlie I couldn't do toy trains, as time goes on we do both develop more dorky interests. I build fairly pointless machines and have taken up a second academic career, DW crochets and crafts and sells what she makes - we can do our hobbies in solitude or alone and be truly happy, who cares how attractive it is? :)

I wouldn't be judgy about trains, either. Surely one of the pay-offs you hope for as you have to get old and gross and slave away for years is eventually, hopefully, being able to do little things you always wanted to do, but didn't have the money money/time/support to do. I know I have bought things as a dad that I have wanted since I was a teenager, things I might not even use that much but which create happiness because finally I can have the top-of-the-line version of that thing. DW has done the same.

@OP - congratulations to you and DH. I would go with it, there are few things in this world like being able to realise a life-long dream, however small, and few people lucky enough to see someone they love do it, let alone do it themselves. Are you going to do something similar?

whois · 11/06/2015 13:00

Well a loft conversion will add value to your home so it's not like it's frittered away.

£120k with no mortgage, well you could live for 3 years at least exceedingly comfortably on that (remember no further tax to pay on the £120k).

Namechanger2015 · 11/06/2015 13:05

I think it is a little concerning that you have 3 young DCs, you are a SAHM, your DH is between jobs and one of his desires with this inheritance is to spend £30k creating a hobby room for himself in the loft at a time when you would like to return to work but find the cost of childcare prohibitive.

^ this.

I you would like to get back on the career ladder do think about earmarking some of that cash for childcare costs, at least until your DC start school. You will be better off in the longer-term.

Hobby room sounds fair enough to me if you have the cash then why not. My H's hobbies included drinking and going out with his friends, a hobby room and a DH at home sounds lovely to me.

Original poster
fabby40 · 11/06/2015 13:09

Part of pension payments will continue. Just work one will stop until new employment found. . Mortgage was 50k outstanding.

Thanks for replies.

OP posts:
Aridane · 11/06/2015 13:12

Am one of the fee, OP, to think YABU

Aridane · 11/06/2015 13:13

Few, not fee...

DorotheaHomeAlone · 11/06/2015 13:16

Another vote for you are being a killjoy. You can live a long time on that cash with no mortgage. The conversion will certainly add some value and this is super tame as 'me me' indulgent spends go. Be generous. Let him have this.

Duckdeamon · 11/06/2015 13:28

The Op has likely underestimated the cost of a loft conversion and doesn't think it will add value in her area.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 11/06/2015 13:29

Even if it doesn't quite cover the 30k I really doubt you would recoup nothing by upping space on a property in the southeast.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 11/06/2015 13:35

I'd rather my husband was building train tracks in the loft than out on triathlon training all day or visiting strip clubs (yes, I know other pastimes are available, I just think in the grand scheme of things being a train enthusiast isn't exactly the worst hobby in the world)

IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou · 11/06/2015 13:38

I think he's lacking in ambition.

He could always take his £150k & go on a 2 year tour of the world whilst still paying the bills for you and the kids. Hmm

I'm gobsmacked at the narrow minded people that have problems with a train track!! The loft conversion will be a valuable addition to the house & give you more usable space.

The train set will cost £2k - hardly the end of the world - and will be removable if needed!

You'll still have £120k - with no mortgage - we could live on that for 3 years.......

Minus2seventy3 · 11/06/2015 13:42

OP, does your husband live to work, or work to live? I'm very much in the latter camp.
A mortgage is the single biggest financial burden of adult life - the idea of living mortgage free, allows you a fantastic opportunity to readjust work-life balance for you both.
You say you want to work part-time. Someone upthread mentioned prohibitive coast of child care. Others seem to think hubby should get his arse back to work ASAP before having the audacity to spend something on him / the house.
You can now live a life where, once you've got enough to pay bills, you're both working essentially for pocket money. Income is going to be mostly disposable. You could both work part time, thus negating childcare costs, or in less stressful roles, and completely change your outlook. Why not embrace it?

HazleNutt · 11/06/2015 13:43

Jobs first, then spending large amounts on hobby.

KidLorneRoll · 11/06/2015 13:43

"Does no one think it's astonishing to be married to an ADULT WHO WANTS TO BUILD TRAIN TRACKS?"

No. It's a hobby. I find it astonishing that people are married to an adult who WATCHES EASTENDERS, but there you go.

WayneRooneysHair · 11/06/2015 13:44

You are being a killjoy OP, there's nothing wrong with his hobby and to be honest I'm a teeny bit jealous as I loved model trainsets when I was a kid, I had one in my bedroom and it was awesome.

mmgirish · 11/06/2015 13:44

I don't think you are being a killjoy actually. I do understand that it is a huge amount of money you have but I definitely wouldn't want to spend 30 grand on a loft conversion whilst my Dh and I were out of work. If it was me, I would be strongly encouraging him to wait until he had a steady job again before spending such a large amount of money.

Also, it's family money now isn't it?

I'm really surprised how judgemental people have been about the trains. It's only a hobby, and a really tame one at that.

IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou · 11/06/2015 13:52

Also, it's family money now isn't it?

Ah, the eternal cry of the "have not, but want" brigade.

In theory, hubby could go & get a job and then spend his money on shares in the Eiffel Tower.....

Minus2seventy3 · 11/06/2015 13:52

Mmgirlish... If it's "family money" now, and we're all about equality, why the insistence on sending him back or to work a "steady job"? Why can't they both have equal opportunity to be at home now they're living mortgage-free? Why can't he benefit from leaving the drudge of working for the bills?