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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

is he being selfish or am I a killjoy?

201 replies

fabby40 · 11/06/2015 10:29

So we have 3 young dc. I am a sahm but I am looking for part time work. Dh is about to be between jobs and we have received a large inheritance. Once mortgage paid off we will have maye 150k in the bank.
now dh wants to spend maybe 30k converting the loft so he can have a room for him to use as a hobby room. Thinking building train tracks etc etc.
I am of course happy to support him in this (it is his inheritance) but I do have some qualms about spending alot of money when we will both be between employment. Everyone round us seem to be of the go for it mate mentality which I understand following a bereavement .
mn jury what do you think?
aibu

OP posts:
viva100 · 11/06/2015 11:37

YABU It's his inheritance! He's using most of it for your family and you will be better off because of it. He has every right to use some of it on himself!

stitch10yearson · 11/06/2015 11:38

you are being a killjoy

Wantsunshine · 11/06/2015 11:40

I think you would bvu to not allow the train set. Surely if it's inheritance then someone has died and it makes you want to live in the now. You are in an ideal position with no mortgage and a large sum in the bank. What would it take for you to ok this? An additional million? You can over plan and over worry and not enjoy life

fabby40 · 11/06/2015 11:45

Would never deny it. I guess I just want to postpone it until work sorted.

OP posts:
ChooChooLaverne · 11/06/2015 11:46

Have you actually looked into prices for doing a loft conversion? I'd be amazed if you can do that for £30k in the south east.

fabby40 · 11/06/2015 11:47

No we have someone coming round at weekend.

OP posts:
ArfurFoulkesayke · 11/06/2015 11:50

I say go for it, it will add value to your house and space should you need it, it's not like he's said he wants to spend it on a Porsche or hookers is it?

Hullygully · 11/06/2015 11:51

A killjoy???!!!

"Hey wifey, I want to spend THIRTY THOUSAND POUNDS ON THOMAS, GORDON AND THE FAT CONTROLLER."

Only on MN would not saying "Oh you go ahead lovely hubby dear with YOUR inheritance" = being a killjoy.

Dear lord.

Hullygully · 11/06/2015 11:52

And if a hobby is a hobby, what if a woman posted, married with three children and said, "I want to spend THIRTY THOUSAND POUNDS on a room in which to do my needlepoint."

Can just imagine the responses

ChooChooLaverne · 11/06/2015 11:54

Unless you're not making any changes to the shape of the roof I think you'll be looking at much more than £30k.

canweseethebunnies · 11/06/2015 11:55

That was the word she used in her title hully.

Also, presumably most of the 30k is going on the loft conversion, not the trainset!

NerrSnerr · 11/06/2015 11:56

I think you should go for it. Trains is not that much of an unusual hobby. If I had the room I may consider it. I must be a knob.

BarbarianMum · 11/06/2015 11:56

Hully the sad truth is that when he's converted the loft and installed his train tracks, Xbox, drinks fridge etc the kids will be up there like a shot and will take over the space.

30k for a hobby is a lot. But most of the money will be spent on an extension which adds perminent value to the property. Not many hobbies do that.

fabby40 · 11/06/2015 11:58

Sorry that was my word.

OP posts:
fabby40 · 11/06/2015 12:04

Based on what others have said my guestimate of 30k will be low. I would think he will spend 500 ish initially on train stuff and same again on furniture.

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 11/06/2015 12:08

Call her and tell her you all have D&V.....

knittingdad · 11/06/2015 12:13

HullyGully - You really have a bee in your bonnet about this. What gives?

Have you been crossed by a model train enthusiast? Do you work in the industry of an alternative "man hobby", such as mountain biking, or GoPro cameras?

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 11/06/2015 12:15

Id put the 30k into a high interest account for a year. Hobby time spent on new jobs. Once the year is up, spend the 30k on the attic as long as you are both in work.

This is a good compromise, also it would take some time anyway getting quotes and any planning permission required.

My only concern is spending that much money and not seeing an adequate increase in house value.

The train thing doesn't bother me, but then I'm married to someone who paints teeny tiny Orcs and leaves them all over the kitchen so I'd be well up for moving all his crap hobby related stuff to a room that I don't have to go in Grin

RedKite1985 · 11/06/2015 12:24

I think that what he probably said is "I want to build a loft conversion. Hey, I could use it to spend time on my hobbie too"

Rather than saying he wants to build a hobbie room.

His money, let him do it

ShadowFire · 11/06/2015 12:25

Most of the 30k will go on making the new room, not the trains.

But, OP... Have you seen the price of train sets aimed at adults? With a whole room for a layout, a £500 budget for trains and track could be on the low side. Some of that stuff is horribly expensive.

BarbarianMum · 11/06/2015 12:27

So he'd be spending a whole £1,000 from a 130k inheritance totally on himself. What a selfish bastard Hmm

worksallhours · 11/06/2015 12:28

First up, I think this really depends on how the loft conversion will work: for example, have you enough room to fit a static staircase? Without a static staircase, the use of the converted loft will be very limited in scope and fitting a static staircase can use up an entire first-floor single bedroom.

I moved into a house with a converted loft and, to be honest, it is redundant space because there is no static staircase to it and to fit one would carve a lot of feet out of one of the first floor bedrooms (so you lose a room to gain a room a floor above). Access is through pulldown steps onto the landing and they are somewhat of a health and safety risk really.

I suspect that it is possible this conversion may not actually add value to your home so I would think about it fairly carefully.

And I will probably get flamed for this but ... I think it is a little concerning that you have 3 young DCs, you are a SAHM, your DH is between jobs and one of his desires with this inheritance is to spend £30k creating a hobby room for himself in the loft at a time when you would like to return to work but find the cost of childcare prohibitive.

One of my concerns here would be that this hobby room could be a way to opt out of family life and certain obligations and duties by removing himself to a room in the eaves of the house. How long does he actually plan to use this room for in an average week, say? Particularly if he returns to work? If it is a question of ... well ... every Sunday morning, then why spend £30k on a room he will only use for four hours a week? If he intends to be up there every evening and at weekends, well, you do need to consider how you might feel about his absence from the general family living areas of the home.

I also do not consider paying off the mortgage as "using the inheritance for your family". To my mind, he is simply reducing his financial obligations: ie. now he no longer needs to earn to pay the mortgage. Of course, you could argue that, when he returns to work, you may benefit from the increase in disposable income that was once spent on the mortgage, but I am slightly unsure how that will directly benefit the children or yourself in the same way a well-considered plan for a £30k lump sum might.

"Using the inheritance for the family", to my mind, would be setting up some sort of savings vehicle/trust for each of the DCs so that when they reach a certain age, they have a portion of money to use as, say, a deposit on a home or pay for a particular professional qualification they may need.

I am not suggesting he does that, just that paying off the mortgage primarily benefits him in your domestic financial circumstances.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 11/06/2015 12:29

The inheritance is far more than that if they have 150k AFTER paying off the mortgage. And he wants to buy something for himself? How very dare he! Hmm

museumum · 11/06/2015 12:31

It's more than £150k inheritance though - that's what's left after they've paid off their mortgage... no idea obviously how much that is but we might be looking at only about 10% of the value of the inheritance getting spent on the loft conversion.

Treats · 11/06/2015 12:34

Does no one think it's astonishing to be married to an ADULT WHO WANTS TO BUILD TRAIN TRACKS?

Not in the slightest. My dad has always been a very enthusiastic railway modeller. He had a "layout" (not a train set) in the garage when I was little, which later moved to the loft, and a space set aside in the back room (now my brother's old bedroom) for all his bits of modelling kit. Whenever he wasn't needed for family duties, he could be found in the back room tinkering with his engines. Every Tuesday night he went to the local Railway Enthusiast's club.

He's always been an excellent, very hands on dad, who shared all the childcare as wall as putting in long hours at a very demanding job. He looked after three children on his own most weekends while my mother worked.

There's nothing intrinsically wrong with model engines as a hobby - and nothing to indicate that he can't be a good husband or father.

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