To want to pull out of a foreign holiday with dh's family?

[Giddymamma]

My mil has a big birthday coming up and has booked a villa for a week in a hot location at the end of August. I am supposed to be going with dh and our 2 yo son. Fil, 2 sils and their partners will also be there. I will be over 28 weeks pregnant.

My thoughts for not going...

• Too hot and uncomfortable for my bump and my blonde little boy.
• childless sils are planning lots of expensive activities / day trips which are not suitable for toddlers. When this was mentioned they just said they would do them without us rather than adapting activities. (I get they don't want their holiday plans dictated by a toddler but this means dh either leaves us alone all day or misses out on family activities.)
• we would have to sort out car seat, push chair, cot etc, which isn't insurmountable but a faff and possibly expensive.
• I could cancel my flight and use money for the three of us to have a break in the uk to have time alone before new baba arrives, which we may not be able to afford otherwise.

Reasons for going....

• mil will be upset if we doesn't get a week with ds, especially as I have been away with ds and my parents to Cornwall earlier this year.
• dh is worried me pulling out will cause bad feeling in family.
• ds would probably love a week with a private pool and it would be nice for him to spend time with the other side of the family as sils live away and he doesn't know them very well.

What to do?! I would still want dh to go and spend quality time with his family without having to worry about me and ds feeling left out. I would need to get a docs note if I was to fly, so if I was "unable to get one", surely a "medical" reason for me and ds not going would avoid any recriminations / bad feeling?! Ps: ain't no way I would want ds going away for a week without his mama, so that's not an option! :) thanks in advance everyone.

OP have you checked out travel/medical insurance?

I was going to go on holiday pregnant but this was a big reason why we decided not to.

Even if you can get insurance (lots of companies won't cover you) you won't get insurance for a yet unborn baby. Think about this very carefully. If you are in the EU and have your EU card (can't remember the name) you and the baby will be provided with a basic birth and care but if your baby is born that early they will need to stay in hospital for weeks. They won't be covered for a transfer to a UK hospital so you may be faced with having to abandon your newborn and return weeks later to collect them! Unless you can afford to stay for weeks. Also if this is a small island what are their maternity facilities like? Do they have special care? Could you cope with a prem labour where none of the staff speak English and they don't have the same care as UK ie pay extra for pain relief/automatic episiotomies etc. it's a lot to think about and it would put me off ever planning any trip abroad after 25/28 weeks.

Very easy to get travel insurance for uncomplicated pregnancy. I just checked all of the big ones, you don't even need to declare it until 34 weeks plus.

OP doesn't need excuses, she just needs to decide for herself.

And yes, it covers the baby too if you have it abroad. Don't be giving out terrible advice.

I can't say YABU as I did the same thing though I wasn't pregnant, I had a 12 week old and a 1 year old and just didn't fancy flying abroad. It did cause a bit of a kerfuffle but everyone got over it. They sort of asked DP and he stupidly agreed to it.

Not great to pull out now but they'll get over it and still have a holiday no doubt.

YANBU

Step away from this thread because it's verging on the ridiculous: any minute now someone is going to proclaim that they trekked across the Sahara at 39 weeks pregnant with a camel on their back and their Albino children loved every minute.

Tell DH to inform his parents you and DS will not be going - the midwife has indicated that she will not be recommending your GP permits it. Tell him to deflect any flak from his family.

Don't beat yourself up about booking the flight in the first place, sounds like you were going along with it for an easy life.

Take care and enjoy your DS - it is a glorious age

Just wondering which airline it is that would refund you for your ticket? I've only ever had a refund when we had documents to support a medical emergency?

I have no view on your reasonableness, but I do think you need to try to calm down - sobbing is a bit OTT? You don't like them and don't like the holiday plan. But as many on here have said, it does sound like a dream way to holiday with in laws as you'll only be together for v small amounts of time.

We holidayed in Cyprus with a blond 2 yo ds when I was about 6 months pregnant - it is do-able. Waterproof hats, swimming outfits and buoyancy jackets - ds spent most of the holiday bobbing up and down with us in the pool. Sunglasses and naps are key.

I hope you work it out - only you know whether you can do it.

OP, I do not think YABU in your concerns at ALL. They are obviously founded.

I do think you should go.

That's because, I really do believe that these occasions are never as bad as you think they are going to be. I don't think it's a matter of sucking it up, and going to please everyone else - I think it's a matter of sucking it up, going to because it will please everyone else, and you will probably enjoy yourself! And I'm saying that as someone who always gets in a tizz about these things. Group holidays, work events, family occasions etc etc, you name it.

Try and focus on the positives. Your DS will love it (most of the time!), it sounds like it will be a lovely place with gorgeous scenery, there will be plenty time to get some crucial bonding with DS before new baby is born, and even some crucial bonding with your ILs (PILs, and SILs). You never know, you might end up having a Damascus moment!

But be kind to yourself. You are not a terrible person for having doubts, or for putting off this decision. But have a little faith, I think it could be lovely.

YANBU. It can be as bad as you are imagining, maybe even worse. My holiday away with the inlaws plus a baby and a toddler was....Never again. And I got on with them previously.

I would say go if there wasn't the previous history, all the stuff with the SIL's barely acknowledging your son etc. They have planned trips that are specifically not child friendly so what's the point in going?

You will be so knackered in the evening from running around after and never taking your eyes off your toddler plus being pregnant that you are hardly going to enjoy that time either.

If they were being more inclusive then I would say go but how much time will you all actually spend together? Not really worth it for the stress.

YANBU and I think you have given plenty of valid reasons for not going.

But PLEASE listen to the previous posters who have raised this issue of fencing around the pool. This is in my opinion the most important factor to consider when deciding whether this holiday is suitable for you and ds.

There is no way I would stay somewhere with an unfenced pool with young children.

This article is a good reminder why.

Op don't feel bad. I'd feel exactly the same as you. :). I think that in your shoes I would go to doctor to get the certificate but explain your reluctance and I'm sure that doctor would be kind enough to say 'sorry - I don't think that u should go'. Then it's out of your hands and u can be all apologetic. I went on a holiday with my 8 month old with pils - under duress as I though I ought to - awful!. And this time I refused the offer of a free trip with 3 year old and 6 month old - luckily other circs meant none of us could go. But my point is that while u are pregnant/with baby/with toddler - it IS just tricker to go on holiday with ils - plus it's more difficult to get to a hospital in case of an accident or a pregnancy twinge. If u tell doctor or midwife that u r nervous then they r bound to help u out. You are obviously uneasy about it - rightly so in my view - so the sooner u get a 'no go' in form of doctors note, the better. Hugs. Don't worry about it - yes perhaps u shouldn't have said yes in first place - but u probably said yes with all positive intentions (as u said, u weren't pregnant then) - u had to say yes then - but now circs are different so u have every right to feel how u feel. U just need a clever way of getting out of it tactfully. That's all x

UPDATE.... Unbeknownst to me dh had a word with his sis to say was there nothing we could all do together. (Personally I don't think ds will enjoy more than being in a pool or at beach but just wanted to mention - see, dh haters? Not so bad!) sil has suggested an additional trip. To a vineyard. For an afternoon of wine tasting. Dh thought that was a lovely gesture. Til he remembered I will be over six months preggo. She has to be taking the piss out of me?! Got to laugh. I might go just to annoy her....

YANBU. I wouldn't even entertain this with my own or DH parents. I wouldn't fly at 28wks pregnant. I can't abide the thought of a 'family's holiday. Although a week alone by the pool with DS would appeal.

Yeah you and dh just chill out the villa with DS and go out in the evenings when it's cooler and get them to babysit

TBH it all depends if you think you'll cope with the heat, personally I wouldn't and I most certainly didn't when pregnant.

Ha maryz! You (and they) are clearly a step ahead of me....

Your SIL is either clueless or she is really hoping that you won't go. Life is too short to suffer holidays with people who are going make life difficult.
I would just tell your MIL you are not up to going. I don't see why you would need a medical certificate to do this.

"you enjoy the peace and quiet"

With a toddler??

(Apologies to your son OP if it would be possible!)

If you really don't want to go then send your husband with the toddler and put your feet up at home for a while. I bet the rest of the family will enjoy looking after the toddler and clearly you'd rather not go so that's win win all round.

As it seems you're determined not to go OP here's one word of advice. I think you should explain to his family why you don't want to go or allow your son to go. Coming up with excuses and/or making you DH explain why will only cause further arguments. Basically, have the courage of your convictions.

Read the thread! The family will not be doing any form of Childcare. The SILs barely tolerate OP's son. They are going out on unsuitable day trips every day. The Vinyard would be the last straw for me. She really is taking the piss?

Also how would it work with the Dh going with her son? She said she wouldn't be comfortable and all that would achieve is DH stuck at the villa all day with DS as neither would be able to go on the trips and that would annoy the family more.

The thought of having some peace and quiet whilst on holiday with a toddler made me laugh. With an unfenced pool? No toys/TV?

I don't believe that the family would not help with the child particularly if the mother stayed at home. It is very good for mothers to have a week without their child - gives them a real break and tends to cheer them up.

I would definitely go. Tolerating things we don't like is actually really good for us.

Personally, I am more concerned with your well-being at 7 months pregnant, than with upsetting his sisters and mother who are free to have all the fun they want at this holiday. They don't seem to try to spend time with you any other time of the year or support you in any way. The three (four) of you not being there will not ruin their fun. Their right to have fun adults-only activities on a trip while making you feel guilty if you don't cowtow to their plans which seem to exclude you and your son anyway are not your problem. They are planning on doing adults only activities the whole time—and they're throwing in a "wine tasting" to help you out wow!! You can't have alcohol and your son is 2 years old. Neither of you will benefit in any way from their wine tasting, it is another twist of the knife as they smile and act like they don't understand why you don't shut up and go along with them. I would think they would want to spend a good chunk of time with their nephew/grandson and very pregnant wife of their brother/son whom they never see. Taking care of your health, your new baby-to-be's health, spending time with your 2-year-old these last few weeks before the new baby comes, and your well-being at this time of being heavily pregnant is your and your husband's #1 priority. If your husband’s family have a thoughtful bone in their bodies, they will be supportive of you and not trying to make you feel guilty. I think your husband should want to stay home with you or take a truly relaxing holiday with just his wife and child and baby on the way, with him helping with your toddler in every way he can so you can relax and enjoy your son without doing 100% of the childcare. You dread your husband's family's holiday because it is clear that you don't feel any love or good will from them and never have. Of course you don’t want to be with them—why should you? In a nutshell, their treatment of you all along is not deserving of a "yes, whatever you want while I'm heavily pregnant no matter how you treat me." They were used all these years to your husband being a bachelor and putting them first always. Well, that is changed now—you are first. They are lower down on the list. The onus is on them to respect that. No more guilt trips. No more feeling pressured to fit in with their plans just so they can make a show of excluding you while pretending to your husband they wanted a big family holiday and that you ruined it for them. Rubbish!

Do you know what I think people are getting a bit over excited here about the activities?

This trip is meant to be to celebrate MIL's birthday, it's not unreasonable that the days out will be ones that SIL thinks that MIL will enjoy.

I have a DS who is 9 and even I'm not sure what a trip designed with a toddler in mind would look like anyway - day out to an In the Night Garden theme park maybe?
It seems to me like the OP is looking for ways to be slighted by their behaviour and it's hard to tell if the DH's family are genuinely toxic or just a bit dense and not used to being round small children.

Look I'm not denying that the "holiday" doesn't sound like one that's enjoyable to the OP and that she can use the medical card to pull out. Would have been a tad simpler if she'd just said no in the first place.

However it does seem a bit unfair on the DH - would he have agreed to holiday with OP's family had he known she was going to pull out of this? I can see why she doesn't want toddler to go, but that also seems unfair on the DH, to not even give him the option.

But I love being round my son? The thought of a week away from him when he is this little is a million times worse than anything they can throw at me on this holiday. Plus he still breast feeds at night. Plus his family would not help dh. They are just not like that.

Op this sounds like the holiday of a lifetime I can't believe you don't want to go !

A boiling hot holiday when you are at your most vulnerable, being potentially left looking after your ds for most of the holiday while your dh goes off doing cool stuff without you .....! You're so selfish !!! Oh and the chance to hang out with people who really don't seem to give two hoots about you

What's not to love !!

I would be cancelling and never booking anything with them again, they are just very involved in their own lives. I like my Inlaws but I still wouldn't go on holiday with them.