To want to pull out of a foreign holiday with dh's family?

[Giddymamma]

My mil has a big birthday coming up and has booked a villa for a week in a hot location at the end of August. I am supposed to be going with dh and our 2 yo son. Fil, 2 sils and their partners will also be there. I will be over 28 weeks pregnant.

My thoughts for not going...

• Too hot and uncomfortable for my bump and my blonde little boy.
  
• childless sils are planning lots of expensive activities / day trips which are not suitable for toddlers. When this was mentioned they just said they would do them without us rather than adapting activities. (I get they don't want their holiday plans dictated by a toddler but this means dh either leaves us alone all day or misses out on family activities.)
  
• we would have to sort out car seat, push chair, cot etc, which isn't insurmountable but a faff and possibly expensive.
  
• I could cancel my flight and use money for the three of us to have a break in the uk to have time alone before new baba arrives, which we may not be able to afford otherwise.
  

Reasons for going....

• mil will be upset if we doesn't get a week with ds, especially as I have been away with ds and my parents to Cornwall earlier this year.
  
• dh is worried me pulling out will cause bad feeling in family.
  
• ds would probably love a week with a private pool and it would be nice for him to spend time with the other side of the family as sils live away and he doesn't know them very well.
  

What to do?! I would still want dh to go and spend quality time with his family without having to worry about me and ds feeling left out. I would need to get a docs note if I was to fly, so if I was "unable to get one", surely a "medical" reason for me and ds not going would avoid any recriminations / bad feeling?! Ps: ain't no way I would want ds going away for a week without his mama, so that's not an option! :) thanks in advance everyone.

[TeacupDrama]

YABU pulling out is much worse than not going in the first place also you are now over 20 weeks pregnant so have known for 4 months aand you knew you would be 28 weeks for ages so its a bit late to pull out and hard on DH either way

[EducateTogetheralumnus]

Ok, the dripfeeding didn't help but on the basis of your last post, I wouldn't go. It will be miserable and you will be tired and grouchy. It doesn't sound like they're very nice to you. Tell DH to go on his own to enjoy "family only" time and stay home with DS. DMil will just have to deal with the fact that she didn't plan a holiday that meant DS would have a good time!

[Giddymamma]

16 weeks teacup, so found out after flights were booked. But take your point re dh being caught in the middle.

[catswag]

I personally would not fly at 28 weeks pregnant

[petalsandstars]

For me it would depend on how DH is going to act.

He stays with you/organises toddler friendly activities /actually supervises around the pool - go and seek plenty of shade.

He goes with mil/fil/sils on the non toddler friendly excursions as it's his family, mil wants us together as it's her birthday and relaxes with them whilst you are the one 90% of the time supervisor of the toddler - stay at home

It could go either way - you know your husband and is.

[YellowTulips]

I think you should go.

Villa and a pool sound lovely (DH and I went to similar when DSD was 3 and DS was 3 months). They loved playing in the pool - just keep your LO out of the midday sun.

As for the day trips - my view would be - great!! I get the villa to myself with my LO and have a nice time and some space away from the inlaws.

[petalsandstars]

On your last post I'd be staying home though tbh .

[bunnysmummy]

ok x posted, so you don't get on very well with SILs, or rather they dont make an effort. Is this something you have talked to DH about? And not to be utterly patronising, but did you feel this way before you got PG or could you be feeling extra emotional?
I still think you need to go. You have a couple of months so why not organise for the SILs to come over for lunch. You can talk to them, say " I don't feel like we've had a chance to get to know one another, we are spending a week together in one house, it would be nice to bond a bit first". Take the bull by the horns! find solutions rather than problems.

[RVPisnomore]

Sorry but I still think YABU, you knew all of this re how his family were etc before you agreed to go. Nothing is going to change if you don't try and help it.

I would ask DH to speak to his mum about including you and DS.

If you don't go you are putting him in a difficult position

[juneau]

Yeah, I think you should suck it up and go - and I say that as someone who doesn't really get on with her ILs, but is going on holiday with them later in the year just to play nice and so they can spend time with their GC, so I do understand where you're coming from.

I agree that 28 weeks pregnant in a hot location with a toddler isn't ideal, but you agreed when it was booked, so I think you have to stick by that. Its only a week and it sounds like they'll be out quite a bit, so perhaps the three of you could just hang out at the (paid for) villa while they go out and have time to yourselves that way?

I don't think you can pull out of the holiday and then go away just the three of you - it looks really pointed and puts your DH in a very difficult position.

[OTheHugeManatee]

Does the villa have aircon? If it does, YABU. If it doesn't have aircon, absolutely don't go - Spain heavily pregnant in August without aircon would be hell.

[Giddymamma]

Urm, always aware they didn't make an effort with me but as I rarely see them it was a bit of a shame, rather than a big deal. It hurts to see how offhand they are with my ds though, as he has only known people make a big fuss of him and he is genuinely baffled when they don't respond to him. They live in Glasgow and Ireland and I am unlikely to see either of them before the holiday. I am dreading going but that probably is the pregnancy hormones. In tears just thinking about it.

[LillianGish]

You said it yourself in your OP - ds would love a week at a villa with a private pool. I think the fact that SILs are planning lots of day trips is a bonus - you can hang out round the pool with ds and dh and have some time together as a family then socialise in the evening when everyone gets home - best of both worlds. As others have said - take a few things to do with ds in the shade or indoors when it gets too hot. Book car seat with hire car, villa can probably supply a cot and take a cheap folding pushchair. I think you'll probably enjoy it much more than you think.

[CrapBag]

Given you were actively trying and knew this was a possibility I am confused as to why you just didn'the turn it down in the beginning. Your SILs don't sound great so I don't blame you for feeling the way you do now.

What does your DH want to do? Not what he thinks he should do, but actually wants?

If you really do feel that strongly, you can use the pregnancy as a reason to not want to fly. I'm guessing that your SIL that can't have children won't be particularly welcoming to you?

[SylvaniansAtEase]

Actually, I think there is a big slice of YANBU here too.

They don't make much effort with you and have form for sidelining you - and your DS.

You've now spent a fair whack on the holiday... to find out that there are lots of similarly 'Giddymama&DS sidelining' activities planned, which means you miss out on much of the 'family time' it's supposed to be about - probably also getting to be split up from your DH and take on the bulk of childcare. Lovely...

I will assume from what you've said that your DH isn't prepared to say to them 'Hang on, you wanted us all to come for a family hol, we've committed, and now it's a case of lots of activities planned which aren't suitable for DS/Giddy? How's that a family holiday? Sorry, but if you wanted a child-free type holiday, you shouldn't have told us, and we'd not have booked and tried to do something with you all another time. We'd appreciate it if we could meet in the middle a bot more with plans for activities suitable for everyone, otherwise it's probably best that either I come alone or none of us come.'

Them actually specifying that they didn't want you to come on a 'family holiday' when you were clearly a very established couple says a LOT. Oh, and the irony - now that you have a baby - of you being expected to respect and prioritise your MIL's relationship with your child... when she very much didn't pay you the same compliment regarding your relationship with hers?

In the scenario you describe, I wouldn't let my child go without me either. However, I would think that your DH wouldn't want to take him - so, he gets to sit alone in the villa and play Peppa Pig for a week while the others are off hiking or sailing or whatever? Great...

[Giddymamma]

His mum knows nothing about the activities being planned - they will all be surprises for her - so don't want to cause trouble by complaining about them. I think the family should go and do everything they want to do. I have no desire to force them to change their plans... I just don't want to be part of them! Sigh. These were all planned after flights were booked.

[CrapBag]

Now I understand their non toddler friendly day trips. Sounds like a deliberate way to exclude you and your DS. If this is the case (if you think they are likely to have done this) then I would pull out and not feel bad about it.

[selby]

I would go on this holiday - try to be positive and have a good time BUT...next year, say 'No' right at the beginning when people start talking about another family holiday en masse.

I objected to yet another stressful holiday with DH's family but I was happy if DH went with the DC without me. Ironically, DH had a strop and said that it wouldn't be a holiday for him if that was the case (funny that!) and that as his wife, I had to do certain things that I didn't want to. I then pointed out that if he didn't want to either, what was the point?

All I can say is that it took me at least 5 years of miserable annual family holidays to get to the point of saying no more. Relief all round although we still face annual pressure to commit still but as the issue contributed to us having Relate therapy for 4 months, we decided that the status of our marriage was more important that MIL's feelings! (Mil doesn't know how much her emotional blackmail caused marital conflict but we confided in BIL to deflect some of the flack that we were getting for opting out).

[Branleuse]

i think you should still go, and try and enjoy it. Just avoid midday sun, and make sure the villa has aircon.

[outtolunchagain]

I think it's quite possible to think you will enjoy something and then realise that you are finding being pregnant and looking after a toddler harder than you thought and change your mind .

I am probably biased but we twice took children that age away and on both occasions they hated it., hated the heat , the disruption to routine the sleeping was awful . On one memorable night with ds3 I nearly booked flights home at 3.00am after 3 nights of screaming do I am probably biased .

Does the pool have a fence , villas with pools and toddlers are not relaxing if you have to keep ds locked in all the time .

In your OP you imply that your dh will go off doing activities with the others while you stay at the villa with ds . This would be a no no. for me .

[Downtheroadfirstonleft]

Bar the flying when 28 weeks bit, you are going to struggle to find a reason not to go that will not cause hard feeling.

If you really don't want to, have courage in your convictions and just say you're not going, as too pregnant/ too hot. Your family will get over it. Imo, it's the shilly shallying around that makes it worse. Go with a smile, or don't go, send DH and wait for it to blow over.

[MyFriendsCallMeOh]

I moved to a hot country 30 weeks pg with a toddler..... It was 38C every day year round. They do have pregnant women, babies and toddlers in hot countries you know. I would look on it as an excuse for a family holiday. The others may be off doing their thing but I'm sure someone would take your ds for a couple of hours while you nap, sounds perfect.

[CloserToFiftyThanTwenty]

I'd go with a well-stocked kindle and enjoy lazing by the pool

And in the very nicest way possible, it's a good lesson for DS to learn that he isn't the centre of everyone's world, especially with a new sibling on the way

[Giddymamma]

It's hard to talk to ds about it. He knows his sisters can make life awkward for me, but it isn't nice for me to keep banging on about how horrible they are as it isn't his fault, we rarely have to deal with them and I don't want to cause a rift as it generally has no impact on our lives. I also have enormous sympathy for his sister who does find it upsetting when ds is there - dh was well settled into bachelor life when we met, so the fact he now has a child will have been an enormous shock to them. She won't want my big belly grinning at her from the side of the pool... But Dh is very worried about upsetting his mum and says he will not go on family day trips and will stay with me and ds at the villa. I think that will cause even more problems than if he just went with them, which is what I will tell him to do if we go.

[DuchessofAnkh]

Personally having flown at 28 weeks I wouldn't! But each to their own.

Are you going somewhere you would be happy with the medical care if you had a premature birth? If no don't go.

You WILL need a doctors letter as you will be over 28 weeks when you fly back.

Your excuse could be that the GP won't sign you off for flying.....