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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to pull out of a foreign holiday with dh's family?

286 replies

Giddymamma · 08/06/2015 13:33

My mil has a big birthday coming up and has booked a villa for a week in a hot location at the end of August. I am supposed to be going with dh and our 2 yo son. Fil, 2 sils and their partners will also be there. I will be over 28 weeks pregnant.

My thoughts for not going...

  • Too hot and uncomfortable for my bump and my blonde little boy.
  • childless sils are planning lots of expensive activities / day trips which are not suitable for toddlers. When this was mentioned they just said they would do them without us rather than adapting activities. (I get they don't want their holiday plans dictated by a toddler but this means dh either leaves us alone all day or misses out on family activities.)
  • we would have to sort out car seat, push chair, cot etc, which isn't insurmountable but a faff and possibly expensive.
  • I could cancel my flight and use money for the three of us to have a break in the uk to have time alone before new baba arrives, which we may not be able to afford otherwise.

Reasons for going....

  • mil will be upset if we doesn't get a week with ds, especially as I have been away with ds and my parents to Cornwall earlier this year.
  • dh is worried me pulling out will cause bad feeling in family.
  • ds would probably love a week with a private pool and it would be nice for him to spend time with the other side of the family as sils live away and he doesn't know them very well.

What to do?! I would still want dh to go and spend quality time with his family without having to worry about me and ds feeling left out. I would need to get a docs note if I was to fly, so if I was "unable to get one", surely a "medical" reason for me and ds not going would avoid any recriminations / bad feeling?! Ps: ain't no way I would want ds going away for a week without his mama, so that's not an option! :) thanks in advance everyone.

OP posts:
outtolunchagain · 09/06/2015 17:06

Lotus if you read the thread you will see that the OP is quite clear that the family will not help with childcare . They have organised adult only activities for almost every day

Lavenderice · 09/06/2015 17:08

I've been thinking about this, and either the answer is really obvious or I've missed something. You don't want to be away from your son and can't go to the organised activities so just do your own thing with your son while they go on all the day trips that way you get to have a lovely time with your son and only have to put up with his family in the evenings.

diddl · 09/06/2015 17:09

"This trip is meant to be to celebrate MIL's birthday, it's not unreasonable that the days out will be ones that SIL thinks that MIL will enjoy. "

Yes, but if OP had known about this at the start then she could have said no from the off.

Maryz · 09/06/2015 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

petalsandstars · 09/06/2015 17:15

What does DH think of how DS will spend his day? Is the pool fenced? Has he said if he will be with you (if you go) or out on the day trips?

CruCru · 09/06/2015 17:20

Dude - you just plain don't want to go. This is alright. Get your DH to tell them that you and your DS won't be going. He can do and spend time with his family without you.

Do it now. Then you will have made a decision and won't still be getting stressed out.

Lashalicious · 09/06/2015 17:21

Giddy, you are your son's mother. Don't let anyone pressure you into sending your 2-year-old without you to inlaws who have never made an effort with him and with whom there is not that mutual good will and trust. If you had a good relationship with them that would be different. Your son is only 2 years old. All this is about mil and sils wanting your husband to defer to them as they always have. They gave you a heads up on this when they excluded you the first time as you were not a proper family member. I think that was low.

You did not know you were pregnant when you felt pressured to come on this trip in the first place. So you have every right, gauging how you feel at 7 months pregnant, to change your mind, the doctors advise not flying at your stage of pregnancy, and you are expected to be miserable in the heat of August and chase your 2 year old round a pool looking out for his safety while being uncomfortable with a giant belly in a bathing suit while the "family holiday" consists of everyone else including your husband doing things among themselves which is really how they've planned it with you and your son fending for yourselves. They have made it known to you that they have scheduled exclusively adults only activities, with not even one day planned to accommodate in any way your little son or you. Let them celebrate mil's birthday exactly how they please while you and your husband care for you at this late stage of pregnancy.

ltk · 09/06/2015 17:24

Yabu to book a holiday with people you don't like. You should be pleasant and civil to dh family but no more holidays. You have booked this so off you go. Do not do it again.

vvega · 09/06/2015 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lashalicious · 09/06/2015 17:47

The only thing worse than booking a holiday with people who don't like you is to go ahead on the holiday because, according to some bizarre logic, pleasing people who don't like you and have never made you feel welcome trumps everything else.

You are heavily pregnant, uncomfortable, with a 2-year-old to care for, in the heat of August. You have the right to absolutely not go on their trip.

I think your husband should tell them, "This is not a good time for us. We booked before we knew we were expecting. The doctor advises not flying for women who are 28 weeks pregnant. She is my first priority. My wife is 7 months pregnant and I don't think flying in her condition, and the heat of August chasing our toddler around a pool, is a good idea. I think the trip will be great fun for you all, but I would not have fun leaving my wife to fend for herself and my son while we're off doing activities that seem to me to be planned to exclude them. It may not seem that way to you, but that is how it comes across to me. I hope you all have a great time, we look forward to seeing pictures and perhaps getting together for a family dinner when you all return."

Lavenderice · 09/06/2015 17:51

Why should it be her husband who tells them, she doesn't want to go?

whois · 09/06/2015 18:11

Why should it be her husband who tells them, she doesn't want to go?

Because on this they need to present a united front and he should be supporting/looking after his pg wife!

MonstrousRatbag · 09/06/2015 18:30

If you go, then could you hire an extra car to give you some autonomy?

That way, you and DS (and sometimes DH) can be up at the crack when it is cool, do little outings then come back to the villa for the hotesst time of day, sleep, have a swim and see the others in the evening. Much better than feeling trapped because you couldn't leave the house even if you wanted to.

CurbsideProphet · 09/06/2015 18:30

YANBU
A week doing sole childcare in a hot country at 28weeks pregnant does not sound like a relaxing holiday.

Your DH will feel obliged to go on the trips organised by his sisters, so you and your DS will be left to your own devices. You won't have all the toys etc that you have at home, the pool might not be fenced in, and the villa won't be child proofed.

Never mind the fact that one of the SILs can't have children (and struggles being around your DS), none of them interact with your DS, and what will you do if you feel like you need medical attention (pregnancy related)?

What a palava. Personally I would back out!

nickEcave · 09/06/2015 18:40

I would definitely back out. The bottom line is that this trip was booked before you were pregnant. You couldn't know for definite that you'd be 7 months pregnant for the trip and you couldn't know in advance what that would feel like combined with caring for a toddler. It would be OK if you felt that you would get support from ILs with childcare but if you think that you'll be doing all the childcare on your own without support then I wouldn't go. It will be hard keeping your child entertained with few toys and no willing adults to help out.

Doggygirl · 09/06/2015 18:48

Go - but please be tactful around your childless SIL as I know how she feels.

Hearing you whining about being pregnant in the heat will probably cause her great misery.

Original poster
Giddymamma · 09/06/2015 18:57

I have no intention of whining to sil. I have always tried to be as considerate as possible. It took a long time to conceive our ds and I can only imagine how heartbreaking it must be for her. I have full sympathy for her.

OP posts:
Lashalicious · 09/06/2015 18:58

Why should it be her husband who tells them, she doesn't want to go?

Lavenderice, I will tell you exactly why her husband should tell them, although I suspect you know full well why.

  1. it is his family
  2. it will show them that he is not afraid to stand up to them
  3. it will show them that he will not be manipulated into deferring to them over his wife
  4. it will show them that OP's husband will not leave it to his wife alone to sort out his own family's power plays against his wife
  5. it will be crystal clear to the mil and sils that the wife of their "bachelor" son and brother comes first now, and as a result they are now much lower on the list, and the onus is on them to accept and respect that. They have done nothing to welcome, accept, or support her, so all bets are off.

Do you understand now? Sometimes, things need to be spelled out firmly. If they aren't, this kind of thing will only get worse. One can't make people have good will toward you but one should not cater like a doormat to those who don't. Simply put, they are resentful that their son/brother is married now and that another female is his first priority, and that ill will is borne out in their unwelcoming and sly behavior.

nicelyneurotic · 09/06/2015 19:00

If you don't want to go then don't! Be honest and say you will be too big and uncomfortable to fly or just make up a pregnancy complication to avoid hurt feelings. I wouldn't go with my in laws either.

youarekiddingme · 09/06/2015 19:05

YABU. Nothing has changed since you booked it.
There will be shade and DH can take DS out for the day if your not up to it.

As for heat and being pg. yes it will be harder maybe than UK but that's because your not use to the heat but I was 9 months pg in August in Tenerife and the heat had no affect on me or pregnancy iyswim?

Original poster
Giddymamma · 09/06/2015 19:08

I wasn't pregnant...

OP posts:
findingmyfeet12 · 09/06/2015 19:10

I think it would be unreasonable for your MIL etc to be offended by your decision not to go.

People keep talking about the situation not having changed. The OP knows her own body and limits surely she's allowed to change her mind and say that she no longer feels able to go despite initially thinking she'd be ok

Are people really that sensitive and/or inconsiderate that they'd make an issue of it?

Delatron · 09/06/2015 19:13

OP, just ignore people who are clearly not reading the thread!

Doggygirl · 09/06/2015 19:19

The OP agreed to go and now she doesn't want to go.

It sounds to me as though she is cross with her dh, doesn't like his family much and is being rather precious about her toddler.

Guess what OP - your SILs might not find a holiday with a toddler much fun.

Why should they coo over the child, especially when one of them is infertile? If a kid came up to me whilst I was relaxing to show me his ball / car / whatever I would wonder why his mother wasn't entertaining him properly.

vvega · 09/06/2015 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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