To want to pull out of a foreign holiday with dh's family?

[Giddymamma]

My mil has a big birthday coming up and has booked a villa for a week in a hot location at the end of August. I am supposed to be going with dh and our 2 yo son. Fil, 2 sils and their partners will also be there. I will be over 28 weeks pregnant.

My thoughts for not going...

• Too hot and uncomfortable for my bump and my blonde little boy.
  
• childless sils are planning lots of expensive activities / day trips which are not suitable for toddlers. When this was mentioned they just said they would do them without us rather than adapting activities. (I get they don't want their holiday plans dictated by a toddler but this means dh either leaves us alone all day or misses out on family activities.)
  
• we would have to sort out car seat, push chair, cot etc, which isn't insurmountable but a faff and possibly expensive.
  
• I could cancel my flight and use money for the three of us to have a break in the uk to have time alone before new baba arrives, which we may not be able to afford otherwise.
  

Reasons for going....

• mil will be upset if we doesn't get a week with ds, especially as I have been away with ds and my parents to Cornwall earlier this year.
  
• dh is worried me pulling out will cause bad feeling in family.
  
• ds would probably love a week with a private pool and it would be nice for him to spend time with the other side of the family as sils live away and he doesn't know them very well.
  

What to do?! I would still want dh to go and spend quality time with his family without having to worry about me and ds feeling left out. I would need to get a docs note if I was to fly, so if I was "unable to get one", surely a "medical" reason for me and ds not going would avoid any recriminations / bad feeling?! Ps: ain't no way I would want ds going away for a week without his mama, so that's not an option! :) thanks in advance everyone.

[MNpostingbot]

Bit late to this thread but having just returned from a holiday with my extended family in law, if you can get out of it, then do so

From OP sounds like you have a decent reason at 28 weeks and if you can avoid these things do it.

Particularly if you have a mother in law that is incapable of listening to polite requests, for example please don't walk my 18 month old around the crowds of people getting baggage at the airport just to try and fish for your final few "isn't he cutes" from he public. everyone is stressed and in a rush, he's going to have his head knocked off by a suitcase. He's tired and is 100% likely to fall over and start crying

Especially when Ive put up with you ignoring every polite request for a week, it's three am and I'm very likely to give you a mouthful of abuse and let everyone end the holiday with a bad taste in their mouth....

Sorry, that was cathartic

[LikeASoulWithoutAMind]

I think you should go - but definitely have a chat with your dh about the trips. He definitely shouldn't be leaving you on your own every day.

If it helps, we went on holiday twice when I was 28wks pg - to hot places - 2nd time with a v fair 2yo and it was fine. We had a lovely time - siestas are key - we used to take a picnic tea for Ds to the beach at around 4pm when it was quieter and a more pleasant temperature.

I also went to a vineyard - dh tasted all the wines and I had a little sip of the nicest, then we bought a couple of bottles to bring home. One to wet the baby's head and another to keep.

[Nanny0gg]

Having read your Christmas update it says it all.

If you have to go I think your DH should make a stand and stay with you by the pool. Maybe go on one trip to show willing. But his family need to be shown, very clearly, that you and your DS are his priority now.

I also think that if you can't/don't go, he shouldn't go either, for the same reason.

[diddl]

that should have been say no now of course!

[diddl]

I think that you should say no know tbh.

Then your husband can just go on all the trips without feeling torn between you & the others.

You also won't have to worry about if anyone is ignoring your toddler/irritated by him...

You can just be comfortable at home.

Or being spoiled at your parents?

[Lashalicious]

It's better to pull out now than wait until last minute. Your reasons are still valid at this early juncture.

[CrapBag]

Oh just seen your update. You're a bigger person than me. I would be pulling out now. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

[CrapBag]

Oh OP, what more do you want. They have offered to do a wine tasting activity! My goodness how selfish are you .

They have had a chance to ingratiate you and your child in to the holiday just a little bit. They have, instead, shown how little they want you there. Grant them their wish, tell them to do one and have a break for the 3 of you as you want. No point trying to please people like this.

[Giddymamma]

It's getting a bit urm, nasty, on here so I'm going to check out. (Is that sulky?!) Thank you to those of you who were supportive of my fears. Thank you also to those of you who pointed out the other side of the argument. I was particularly humbled by the poster who lost her pils. I'm thinking that a decision doesn't have to be made for another ten weeks, which is when I will need to arrange docs note if I go. I have no idea how I will feel at that time and the decision may even be taken out of my hands. I hope not, as that would indicate problems in my pregnancy. if I'm feeling good, and my pregnancy is going well, and here's hoping it will be, I will pull on my big girl pants, put on a smile and hang out with my boy round a pool I haven't had to pay for. I.e. suck it up. If, in ten weeks, I am struggling or an enormous heat wave is predicted, I will put my babies first, apologise and wish them and dh a lovely holiday. Thanks again. X

[grapejuicerocks]

I think they only want dh to go too. They'll get over you backing out.

[suspiciousdelicious]

Hi Giddy

For what its worth I would spend the flight money on a break at center parcs and get pampered while LO is at the Time out club. Eat loads of yummy food. If MIL does not understand then she can just sulk. IT IS YOUR LIFE. DH should just bloody well do wha tever you want to do as you are full of a baby.

[MirandaGoshawk]

Haven't read all the thread but good grief, I gave birth at 29 weeks - I think YANBU to cancel, especially as you booked it before you were pg and you don't like them much I'd rather stay at home, in your situation.

[LoveToReadAibu247]

Don't go OP!!! YANBU and I truly feel for you. I would find it hard to get everything I need organized for the holiday, I would find it stressful flying there with a toddler, and being regnant and having to look after a toddler in new surroundings without much help or sympathy is my idea of hell! A hot holiday is not for everyone and just because the villa is paid for doesn't mean this is going to be a relaxing holiday. Surely people would be more likely to understand your reasons for not going now that you are pregnant. Good luck.

[eddielizzard]

doesn't sound like they really want you and ds to go, to be brutally honest. they're not exactly bending over backwards.

i'd not go, dh can go on his own and enjoy all the activities. not the best, but really this isn't an appropriate holiday. the mil doesn't sound like she's desperate for your ds to go either. sounds like she just wants her kids.

[GogoGobo]

Doggy stop using such inflammatory language about the OPs child. Totally inappropriate and as someone has said up thread you sound like you have your own issues. They are yours, not the OPs. No one thinks a small child offering a ball is some precocious attention demanding brat unless they have been reincarnated from 1845!

[Giddymamma]

doggy, dont worry, I didn't mistake you for one of my sil. They are indifferent rather than actively unpleasant.

I don't need sils to love ds, he has plenty of other family and friends that do. They wouldn't blank one of their friends children (I assume?) so I find it hurtful when they do it to their blood. But it's their decision.

Airline doesn't refund costs, travel insurance does. We checked.

The airline would require me to have a docs note if I am to fly. Getting the note is a waste if a GPs time. Not getting one is not.

[monkeychops06]

OP, dont go on the holiday. Stay at home, in your comfort zone and dont put yourself through the stress.

[Marynary]

The OP posted in the hope that she would be told YANBU when, in fact, she is sulking because the majority of people told her to get over herself and go on the holiday.

Not sure which thread you're reading. The majority of posters totally understand why OP doesn't want to go on holiday with her in laws.

[TheVeryHungryPreggo]

Sure, Doggy. It's almost as if the pregnant mother and her husband haven't shelled out a lot of money so it could be their family holiday too...

[bakingaddict]

Don't go OP, life is too short to go on holiday with people who don't seem to like you. I do actually like my IL's but find going on holiday with them a bit wearing especially when we are all cooped up in a cottage for a week. Believe me tempers can flare even for us and we get along reasonably well so I can only imagine what it would be like for you when they seem to only tolerate you at best

Politely decline the holiday and offer to organize a family dinner when they get back.

[findingmyfeet12]

If the adults resent interacting with the toddler so much, why would the give a toss if the op decides not to go?

[Doggygirl]

Oh, come on!

The OP posted in the hope that she would be told YANBU when, in fact, she is sulking because the majority of people told her to get over herself and go on the holiday.

If I was one of her SIL, I would be annoyed by a pregnant mother of a toddler whining about her precious infant not being told how wonderful he is by two adults who wish to enjoy their holiday.

[Giddymamma]

I'm not cross with dh. I don't like his family much. I am very precious about my boy. They are making it painfully obvious they don't want to go on holiday with a toddler. They haven't to coo over him, I never force him on them. It wasn't on holiday that a little boy, their nephew, tried to show him his fricking ball, it was at Christmas when I spent four days with them at Dhs request, when they never paid him any attention, nor were they asked to by me or dh. He wandered over to them while we (dh, ds and I) were playing in the front room and they came in.

I would have gone on the holiday if it was just ds to keep the peace. I am used to his sils, I am happy looking after my ds on his own. Hence booking it. I now I will also be 7 months pregnant and expected to do the same. As one poster pointed out, if I mention to dh at any time that I am tired / hot / need a break I will apparently be rubbing it in sils face.

Dh will be under enormous pressure to go on trips. To give you an example... Sil has been with her boyf since school, so their families live nearby to each other despite both kids living away now. For over a decade they have Christmas lunched with their respective families and then boyf has come to join sil and family in the evening. This year, at half past nine at night, sil said they were headed back to boyfs for the first time ever on Christmas Day for a drink with his family and would be back later. His mum cried and said she was ruining Christmas.

[Myricales]

Just wondering which airline it is that would refund you for your ticket?

Depends the basis you buy the ticket on. I've travelled on tickets that could be refunded right up to the point the gate closed, but you pay for that.

Anyway, the refund is a red herring. Suppose the OP loses every penny. They have a choice: pay £X00 to be miserable in Spain, or lose £X00 being less miserable at home.