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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to pull out of a foreign holiday with dh's family?

286 replies

Giddymamma · 08/06/2015 13:33

My mil has a big birthday coming up and has booked a villa for a week in a hot location at the end of August. I am supposed to be going with dh and our 2 yo son. Fil, 2 sils and their partners will also be there. I will be over 28 weeks pregnant.

My thoughts for not going...

  • Too hot and uncomfortable for my bump and my blonde little boy.
  • childless sils are planning lots of expensive activities / day trips which are not suitable for toddlers. When this was mentioned they just said they would do them without us rather than adapting activities. (I get they don't want their holiday plans dictated by a toddler but this means dh either leaves us alone all day or misses out on family activities.)
  • we would have to sort out car seat, push chair, cot etc, which isn't insurmountable but a faff and possibly expensive.
  • I could cancel my flight and use money for the three of us to have a break in the uk to have time alone before new baba arrives, which we may not be able to afford otherwise.

Reasons for going....

  • mil will be upset if we doesn't get a week with ds, especially as I have been away with ds and my parents to Cornwall earlier this year.
  • dh is worried me pulling out will cause bad feeling in family.
  • ds would probably love a week with a private pool and it would be nice for him to spend time with the other side of the family as sils live away and he doesn't know them very well.

What to do?! I would still want dh to go and spend quality time with his family without having to worry about me and ds feeling left out. I would need to get a docs note if I was to fly, so if I was "unable to get one", surely a "medical" reason for me and ds not going would avoid any recriminations / bad feeling?! Ps: ain't no way I would want ds going away for a week without his mama, so that's not an option! :) thanks in advance everyone.

OP posts:
diddl · 08/06/2015 20:35

Won't MIL feel torn about days out & having to leave her GS behind?

chickenfuckingpox · 08/06/2015 20:43

cant believe so many people are saying you should let your dh take the 2 year old and leave you did they not see the part where they booked things to do that are not even suitable for a two year old

WayneRooneysHair · 08/06/2015 20:48

It's DH's child too, if he takes the DS he can skip the activities.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/06/2015 20:51

I think YABU OP. And you have to go

What you need to try and do now is to talk yourself round to it and go wth a positive outloook because if you go with a "it'll be hell on earth" attitude, it probably will be

Your OP is full of excuses, not real reasons so I think, for your own sake ou need to realign your feelings and expectations or you'll be miserable

I hope you and DS have a lovely time

NotEnoughTime · 08/06/2015 20:55

If the situation was reversed (obv I know your DH can't be pregnant-but I'm sure you know what I mean!) what would your DH do?

This is the rule of thumb that I live by when it comes to tricky situations like this.

Good luck with your decision Smile

BlinkAndMiss · 08/06/2015 20:56

Oh OP, I think your getting a really rough response on here! Completely undeserved.

Firstly, you are pregnant. I don't buy into the whole 'it's not an illness' and 'it's not an excuse' business. Your body is under stress and your lifestyle has changed - you are completely within your rights to feel differently about doing things which you would ordinarily do. The things I'd be worried about are the heat, the food and the water - the heat alone would put me off. At 28 weeks you might well be feeling better than you felt in the 1st trimester but the heat would be unbearable for me. Running around after a toddler in the heat would be awful and potentially dangerous, you've already acknowledged that your in laws aren't going to be proactive in helping to look after him.

I don't think YABU at all - I'm 39 weeks and there is no way on earth I'd be going abroad to somewhere hot. Your in laws should just understand that this is how it is and they shouldn't be expecting so much from you. I agree that your DS should stay with you, mine wouldn't be away from me and you don't need to even give a reason as to why. Your DH should go and enjoy the time with his family, then you can continue your pregnancy without putting yourself at risk.

Make sure your DH knows that this is not personal, it's just the way things are. In the back of my mind I'd be thinking that I wasn't missed the first time so they wouldn't miss me this time either which would help me to feel less guilty. This isn't the time for pleasing other people.

FixItUpChappie · 08/06/2015 20:59

If its going to be the sort of "holiday" where pregnant you looks after a toddler the whole time in the sweltering heat while your DH enjoys his family off on various activities...then YANBU.

Still, I think you do need to go. Discuss boundaries/worries with DH in advance, get on the same page, outline a few things your interested in doing and try to have fun.

FixItUpChappie · 08/06/2015 21:03

Oh and I wouldn't send my 2 year old out of country without me and neither would lots of people I suspect. OP doesn't have to, she doesn't want to and isn't comfortable with it. That is enough said IMO.

GColdtimer · 08/06/2015 21:23

Do people not read the thread. There will be no additional help with the toddler as PIL and SIL are a) not interested and b) will be swanning off on activities not suitable for a toddler.

OP I think the facilities at the villa would be a big thing - air con, wi fi , TV, DVD player etc. how child friendly is it - lots of villas are all slippery marble and sharp corners and not at all child friendly. How about the pool? also how many days will your DH be leaving you alone. If it's most of them then I wouldn't bother going. If it's a day or two I probably would (if villa was child friendly and well equipped).

rumbleinthrjungle · 08/06/2015 21:29

Argh OP.

  • In unfamiliar extreme heat, pregnant, tired, uncomfortable, needing rest.
  • Spending all day chasing hot toddler around a villa, very unlikely to be toddler proofed, with a pool, never able to take eyes off him for second due to pool, while toddler is probably bored and out of routine and uncomfortable with the heat and hard work. While restricted on your usual options to take him out and keep him busy. Plus up with ds during night as needed as dh isn't good with him then. (are you into masochism at all?)
  • Herd of adults around but no support other than dh, in fact you and ds at times actively unwelcome, no one who will keep an eye on ds while you have a nap, shower, make him something to eat etc.
  • SiL likely to be upset by your pregnancy and finds it hard to be around ds.
  • dh probably will have to go out on activities (toddler unfriendly ones) most of the time to keep the peace, leaving you in sole toddler/pool duty
  • You don't want to go, don't feel welcome or wanted

YANBU

  • Send my partner off with 2 year old to spend 24 hours a day trying to keep toddler safe around the pool with no other reliable adults to help him?? Particularly when it sounds like his attention will be expected to be on his family who won't help much with ds, if at all? Even if dh was completely used to having ds alone day and night, I'd still think that was a very stressful situation to leave him with. Two of you together around the villa and pool to tag team, ok, but either of you on ds duty alone for more than a couple of hours at a time sounds really hard.

I'd be making apologies and explaining that under the circumstances dh and the others will have a much better time without you and ds, you really don't want to spoil it for them, to have a lovely time and you can't wait to hear all about it. It honestly doesn't sound as though anyone but dh is going to miss you and ds that much!

daftbesom · 08/06/2015 21:45

I have read the whole thread and YANBU. You don't feel up to it and that should be enough of a reason.

Lashalicious · 08/06/2015 21:45

Haven't read all the posts yet, but I would say yanbu. The flights were booked BEFORE you were pregnant, so it is not true that you knew you would be pregnant and that the onus was on you to know everything about the future, trying to conceive or not, and must adapt to your inlaws at a time period where, in my opinion, everyone should be more concerned about your welfare than their adults-only day trips on a hot holiday where they've never been that nice to you anyway. You will be over 7 months pregnant looking after a 2-year-old in August. There will not be any relaxing by the pool for you. It will be you watching your toddler every second at a slippery pool of shallow + deep water while dealing with the misery of heat and a huge uncomfortable belly in a bathing suit. Plus, if one has to have a dr's note to fly at 28 weeks, that should tell one something, should it not? Being 7 months pregnant is no picnic at the best of times. Also, I must say that if your husband's family truly love you, they would not hold ill feeling for a 7-month pregnant family member not going to a hot country in August to chase a 2-year-old around a pool.

SweetAndFullOfGrace · 08/06/2015 22:07

I wouldn't go. I flew at 24 weeks pregnant and it was awful. And the airline were bastards about it (I had to sign the most ridiculous disclaimer form I have ever seen). And that was without a week ahead of me of full time toddler wrangling with no other adults to help (as they're all off doing exciting stuff elsewhere) in a strange environment where nothing is toddler-proofed and some things (pool) are actively dangerous. And with a SIL for whom the sight of my pregnant belly is source of pain. No no no. Stay at home OP.

To those saying "sun, pool, how lovely" that's some people's idea of hell. I got sunburned red raw this past weekend. Gardening for a few hours. With sunscreen on. In SE England. Some people are not designed for sunshine. And I say that as someone who grew up in a very hot country so I'm quite sun conscious.

cariadlet · 08/06/2015 22:14

I can totally understand why you don't want to go and in your shoes I'd rather just go away with dh and ds.
Unfortunately it's a bit late for that. You agreed to go, the flights are booked and dh, mil and ds would be disappointed if you back out now. It would be rude to make excuses - and any reason you give would be seen as an excuse.

You'll just have to plaster a smile on your face and make the most of the situation. In the worst case scenario, it's only a week and it will soon be over. In the best case, you're expectations are so low that the holiday may be better than you think! (or at least more bearable).

RigglinJigglin · 08/06/2015 22:24

Sounds like my idea of hell OP, I don't buy into this 'have to go for other people' mentality. I've learnt my lesson with family holidays which have all been disastrous.

Speak to your DH about it, I'd be cancelling my flight.

findingmyfeet12 · 08/06/2015 22:25

Op I think yanbu. I can't begin to imagine going to a hot country in August while pregnant and with a toddler.

Just because women raise children in hot countries doesn't mean that everyone is equipped to do so. Many of those women find the hot weather difficult to tolerate too, they just don't have a choice.

On fact, I think your mil would be a bit unreasonable to get upset if you cancelled.

In your situation my dh would be the one to suggest that I could stay at home or take the toddler to stay with my family while he was away.

Ruperta · 08/06/2015 22:47

I would love to see the answers to a thread titled 'DH has just pulled out of a long planned sunshine celebration holiday with my family at the last minute because he might get too hot & and saying DS can't come either'

Cinderling · 08/06/2015 22:51

YANBU, and honestly, having read all your posts I can't conceive of any reason why you should go. You can easily excuse yourself saying that your GP won't sign off, without hurting anyone's feelings. It doesn't sound to me that your ILs will be devastated if you can't come.
Put yourself first - why shouldn't you when clearly no one else in immediate family or your IL family seem to hold your feelings or needs in high priority. Changing that situation is a long term goal but in the meantime I think you should opt out. You don't need the stress

CrapBag · 08/06/2015 22:55

Don't go. I didn't realise you had it in your mind you could cancel if pregnant. I assumed you initially wanted to go but you clearly didn't but felt you couldn't say no. I also assumed you PIL were more welcoming than your SILs but I see they aren't.

Sod it, life is too short. Say your midwife has advised you against it. I think I would be too paranoid about having the baby early in another country try to risk it anyway.

RandomMess · 08/06/2015 22:55

I don't see the point of going on an extended family holiday that isn't toddler friendly when you have a toddler. I think her dh will have a never time spending adult time with his family and as I suggested they could invite PILS to do something special with them at another time.

If the op was only pregnant and didn't already have a toddler then I'd say go and make the most of it but I it's a hell of a lot of effort to be left looking after your dc when hot & pregnant whilst everyone else buggers off to do adult stuff Confused not to mention how SIL is going to feel having bump and toddler around her at every turn on what is also her holiday...

Maryz · 08/06/2015 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TracyBarlow · 08/06/2015 23:03

I wouldn't go. It sounds like hell and, actually, it also sounds like the SILs have planned activities that are purposefully completely inappropriate for a child. My bet is they're hoping the DH will leave the OP at the villa all day while they get to spend time with their 'family.'

Well, bollocks to that. If you're going to be solo parenting your DS then it would be much easier to just do it at home while your H buffers off to the south of wherever with his sisters.

TracyBarlow · 08/06/2015 23:04

buggers off Grin

FeckTheMagicDragon · 09/06/2015 00:31

OP, I know it's not about your DH - but has he asked his sisters if, at any point, they plan on any activities that HIS family can join in?
Maybe if he mentions that now, they'll start being a tiny bit more considerate on the holiday.

worridmum · 09/06/2015 00:32

turn it around how would you like it if you DH put his foot down and told you that he and your DS was not going on holiday with your parents for basically rubbish excuses becuase ds cannot be away from daddy for 1 week etc I would bet you would not be impressed.

but on the other hand you cannot expect every day to revole around the toddler so the odd day trip to do something the childless people would enjoy would not be unreasonable. because lets be honset the only really intresting things you can do that would be truly intresting. suitable for everyone would just be on the beach /park

(unless problems with precengry of course but you just dont want to go so making up excuses not to go)