To want to pull out of a foreign holiday with dh's family?

[Giddymamma]

My mil has a big birthday coming up and has booked a villa for a week in a hot location at the end of August. I am supposed to be going with dh and our 2 yo son. Fil, 2 sils and their partners will also be there. I will be over 28 weeks pregnant.

My thoughts for not going...

• Too hot and uncomfortable for my bump and my blonde little boy.
• childless sils are planning lots of expensive activities / day trips which are not suitable for toddlers. When this was mentioned they just said they would do them without us rather than adapting activities. (I get they don't want their holiday plans dictated by a toddler but this means dh either leaves us alone all day or misses out on family activities.)
• we would have to sort out car seat, push chair, cot etc, which isn't insurmountable but a faff and possibly expensive.
• I could cancel my flight and use money for the three of us to have a break in the uk to have time alone before new baba arrives, which we may not be able to afford otherwise.

Reasons for going....

• mil will be upset if we doesn't get a week with ds, especially as I have been away with ds and my parents to Cornwall earlier this year.
• dh is worried me pulling out will cause bad feeling in family.
• ds would probably love a week with a private pool and it would be nice for him to spend time with the other side of the family as sils live away and he doesn't know them very well.

What to do?! I would still want dh to go and spend quality time with his family without having to worry about me and ds feeling left out. I would need to get a docs note if I was to fly, so if I was "unable to get one", surely a "medical" reason for me and ds not going would avoid any recriminations / bad feeling?! Ps: ain't no way I would want ds going away for a week without his mama, so that's not an option! :) thanks in advance everyone.

I absolutely wouldn't go - it sounds like you'd be doing all the childcare yourself, whilst extremely hot uncomfortable and knackered, whilst watching everyone else enjoy their adults holiday and relaxing! It seems obvious that they've booked it to suit themselves and not you, and doesn't seem like they would actually be bothered if you go or not.
I can't imagine for a second that it will actually create bad feeling if you say that you are finding the pregnancy tough and that you don't think you will cope with running round after DS in the heat, and so you will stay at home and let them have a lovely family holiday. Def keep DS home too, TBH it sounds like they'd actually prefer that as they wouldn't have the "hassle" of having to plan meal times/activities round your DS, or worry about being woken through the night when he's screaming that he's too hot and doesn't feel well!

And I think "sucking it up" to do something you don't necessarily want to do for the sake of family is fine if it involves going for a meal out or an overnight stay somewhere, but a whole weeks holiday at considerable expense where your own health could be compromised is not one of those situations!

I'd go, but you need to come to a decision for yourself, really. If you consider your DS as going, and just make the decision about you, is it easier to go?

I think you shoot yourself in the foot with regards to the extended family if you don't go. You wanted to be invited, they invite you, you don't go. It'll probably mean it goes back to you not being invited, and it doesn't sound like your DH would know what to do then. Could you see the holiday as an olive branch, them trying to include you in their family?

DS will probably have a great time, and it'll be some lovely photos and memories of a holiday abroad with mummy, daddy and the extended family before his sibling arrives. Make sure DH knows that you'll need his help, though.

I think if you told yourself you were going, you'd calm down about it and it wouldn't seem so bad. It's become a huge hellish event now and it probably won't be half as bad as that.

I wouldn't go. But then I would have cancelled my flight as soon as I found out I was pregnant.

What would you do if you felt a reduction in movements while away? If your waters broke? Premature labour does happen - would you be confident going to the hospital there, would you understand their procedures? Are you happy with the drug/labour options in that country (e.g. Germany doesn't have gas and air). Does your insurance cover you for a postnatal stay with a preemie?

Pregnancy is going to happen how many times in your life - 2, 3? Why risk being uncomfortable and unhappy (or worse) for a week.

YANBU. That is all! I'm not pregnant, I don't have a toddler, and I still wouldn't go on holiday with ILs who didn't make me feel welcome /didn't include me in activity planning.

Because you have your son & are pregnant you'll be able to spend all of every afternoon at the villa on your own snoozing either in your room or in the shade. 28 weeks is fine for flying a short distance, which the flight to Spain is. If you are feeling very hot you can sit in the pool for ½ hr with a hat on & you'll cool down. That's a great way to cool down if you're hot in the evening after dinner too, before bed. We used to go to the beach until 9.30 or so in the morning so dcs could play before the sun got too high & after 4.30 in the afternoon. You'll be able to avoid your sils apart from at meals when everyone is together so they can't be mean.

Don't go. You really don't want to, and that's OK. It's OK to change your mind. It's also perfectly reasonable to not feel comfortable sending your 2 year old away without you - I wouldn't!

I would not go. It sounds utterly miserable. Say the midwife recommends giving it a miss.

"Small children love warm countries" mine didn't the slightest sign of heat, even in the UK meant prickly heat , grizzly nights and whining . Even now we book villas with loads of shade and ds2 will still moan about the heat .
The activities you list take up at least 4 days out of seven , with two days travelling that means one day as a family , don't think I'd bother

I don't understand why you would go at all. The holiday sounds totally unsuitable for you and your toddler. They expect you to stay at home and wait for them whilst they're off sailing, etc? Nice! What's the point of you being there at all? Don't do it.

I'm not liking your DH much either. Not exactly fighting your corner is he?

I don't think that the ILs not helping with toddler is a concern- more that activities are planned which will exclude the toddler& OP.

Depending on how many & for how long, she might as well be at home!

Interested to know OPs husbands take on it all re the planned activities.

I think there is too much focus on the activities. OP said that mil doesn't even know about the activities. If she did know, and realised it would mean that the little one isn't included, then she may say that she would rather do something everyone can do together. She may rather not do th anything - i wouldn't spend the extra to stay on a private villa with a pool only to be schlepping off sightseeing in the heat of the sun everyday! That sounds like a different type of holiday.

It's not sightseeing though it's sailing for a day with a private chef, snorkelling for a day , visiting a scenic restaurent for posh lunch . Apparently these are the activities the family like to do on holiday so it's odds on she will want to go and they will have been paid for

To be honest, if you are going to do holidays with the in-laws, this sounds like the perfect way to do it. They go out all day giving you the run of the villa and the pool - you sort of get your little family holiday while also being on holiday with them. Wind forward a few years and imagine your ds's wife refusing to bring the grandchildren on holiday with you while going on holiday with her family. If they'll be out all day I don't see the problem - I'd be more inclined to say don't go if you were being forced to take part in lots of joint activities!

Why are people telling the op that she can snooze and relax all day in the villa? With a toddler on the loose?

The OP has had around 20 weeks in which to cancel -it's going to look a bit petulant to do it now and her reasons don't hold up.

I think everyone is reading too much into the inlaws attitude. She wasn't married for the last event - therefore not counted as family. My ILs were the same - I'm now treated like a daughter. It wasn't a snub earlier, just in their heads I'd crossed the line from son's GF to DIL proper.

Before I had kids I would have had no idea how to entertain them. If i was going on a holiday to celebrate a parent's big birthday I would naturally focus on doing what would please them, and hope other family members would look out for themselves. This is not about the OP and her son - it's a very special birthday for a parent and grandparent. It will create lovely memories for the whole family and it would be wrong for the next generation of the family not to be part of that.

Unless there are genuine medical reasons, the OP should go. It's only a week. If it's a normal pregnancy, it shouldn't be too difficult to look after her own child for that time.

"Why are people telling the op that she can snooze and relax all day in the villa? With a toddler on the loose?"

Perhaps the heat will knock him out for the day??

I think you should go.

I would be delighted to have days by a private pool with my blond DD, even in shade. I would rather that than excursions.

Factor 50 applied liberally is fine, car seats are a very common request for car rentals, last holiday we had it was free but other times a small fee.

YANBU
Unless your dh stays with you and you can tag team 'toddlerwatch' with 'kindle in the shade time'
I hate the heat. Anything over 28 degrees and I start feeling dizzy and sick. I am celtic and look as though I have been washed with daz, I am whiter than white. And I'd rather be that way than lobster red and peeling, which is the other alternative even with factor 50.
Being pregnant in heat would be hell for me
Looking after a toddler in heat would be hell for me
Staying with people who would consider my child an inconvenience and flatly refuse to accommodate them in any way would be a deal breaker.
Having a dh who would leave me all day would be a deal breaker.

There's no way I would go.
And I wouldn't want my child with people who essentially didn't give a sh*t about him for a week.
And I wouldn't want my child taken to a different country without me. And if it were reversed my dh would feel the same.

I had a really bad holiday when my youngest was a crawling baby. Stuck in a villa with no English TV, whilst the others "relaxed" or went on child unfriendly outings. I even ran out of reading material. The pool was fenced so that wasn't a problem. But it was an awful holiday. In laws were not used to children and didn't help out at all. Everything was down to me. Imagine being stuck at home without being able to go out most days, your children out of routine, no TV to amuse yourself or the kids. A limited range of toys and puzzles for the older child. I'd get cabin fever at home and it was worse abroad.

We've had holidays since with them, when the kids were older. It's been fine. But I'd never recommend it whilst they are young unless they are very child orientated and you know you will get a lot of help.

The whole thing sounds like hell. We quite often go to Spain in August and although it's nice with older children it can be very hot (e.g. 35 to 40 degrees) I don't think it would be much fun if you end up looking after your toddler by yourself whilst pregnant.
Not sure why people think you should "suck it up" for the sake of his mother as it doesn't sound as if your DH's family put themselves out much for you. Anyway, I'm sure that you can come up with a good "medical" excuse to not go so that your MIL won't be upset and your DH can go by himself.

We went on a family holiday when the only child there was my DN who was about 2 and my SIL was pg. It was fine because we all helped out with toddler watch, my brother is really hands on and we didn't bugger off all day and leave her with a todder and an unfenced pool. SIL said it was lovely and relaxing and even read a book but can't imagine she would have felt the same way had we been the OPs family.

These kind of holidays can be great and they can be awful and its all down to the people you go with and only the OP really knows that.

OP - I would be having a serious chat with DH about this before you make the decision and if you go, there needs to be some ground rules put in place.

the OP did not know she was pregnant when the flights were booked but she did know it was in august in a hot country she knew she had blond toddler that the villa had a pool etc, she knew about SIL and that it would not be a directly toddler friendly holiday

YANBU to not to want to go however, the time to say you did not want to go was before it was booked rather than cancelling later, I know you paid for flights but if you had said from beginning a smaller villa could have been booked etc so YABU pulling out now apart from problems with pregnancy as all other factors were known about when booking and its not fair on MIL or DH to pull out and cause the upset unless your GP and midwife are genuinely unhappy about you travelling which is unlikely if a straightforward pregnancy and MIL will know this too so it will look like an excuse

I went to London for the weekend when 30 weeks pregnant and felt vastly reduced movements from sat morning to sun morning. I was in enough of a panic by sun morning then about where do I go? What do I say? How do I know which hospital might check for heartbeat / scan (obvs they all will, but I was pregnant and panicking).
I was also aware by leaving it til sun morning I had already left it later than I would have had I been at home purely from the uncertainty of what to do.
We joke about it now - dd is far too yokel to enjoy London, etc - but if I'd been abroad I would have been very scared.

I disagree that OP should have said something earlier as then she didn't have an excuse of being pregnant and not feeling up to it.