To want to pull out of a foreign holiday with dh's family?

[Giddymamma]

My mil has a big birthday coming up and has booked a villa for a week in a hot location at the end of August. I am supposed to be going with dh and our 2 yo son. Fil, 2 sils and their partners will also be there. I will be over 28 weeks pregnant.

My thoughts for not going...

• Too hot and uncomfortable for my bump and my blonde little boy.
• childless sils are planning lots of expensive activities / day trips which are not suitable for toddlers. When this was mentioned they just said they would do them without us rather than adapting activities. (I get they don't want their holiday plans dictated by a toddler but this means dh either leaves us alone all day or misses out on family activities.)
• we would have to sort out car seat, push chair, cot etc, which isn't insurmountable but a faff and possibly expensive.
• I could cancel my flight and use money for the three of us to have a break in the uk to have time alone before new baba arrives, which we may not be able to afford otherwise.

Reasons for going....

• mil will be upset if we doesn't get a week with ds, especially as I have been away with ds and my parents to Cornwall earlier this year.
• dh is worried me pulling out will cause bad feeling in family.
• ds would probably love a week with a private pool and it would be nice for him to spend time with the other side of the family as sils live away and he doesn't know them very well.

What to do?! I would still want dh to go and spend quality time with his family without having to worry about me and ds feeling left out. I would need to get a docs note if I was to fly, so if I was "unable to get one", surely a "medical" reason for me and ds not going would avoid any recriminations / bad feeling?! Ps: ain't no way I would want ds going away for a week without his mama, so that's not an option! :) thanks in advance everyone.

* If he stays with us he will just be pottering round a villa while ds hopefully Naps during the middle Of the day.*

Isn't that even better- a bit of time for the two of you, nice long lazy lunches in the shade, siestas together etc before new baby arrives?

YABU. You agreed to go you need to go. Really mean otherwise. 28 weeks is great time to travel, you've usually stopped feeling like death yet far enough from due date not to have to worry. I went on a city break with DH at that stage and had a ball.

TBH there are no real "holidays" (as I define holiday i.e. reading in the sun with a good book!) with a toddler its just childcare in a different location and will be for the next few years - we gave up with fancy holidays until DD2 was 4 found the UK easier. Just embrace that it will be quite hard work wherever you go but thats life with littlies.

And was the "lovely stage" apostrophes a dig? I didn't understand it. He is at a lovely stage?! Or did you think I meant he has been less lovely at other stages? Not the case if so. He is just really fun and interactive at the moment and I enjoy his company even more than I did when he was teeny.

You really need to talk to your DH and see what he thinks about it as well as how he is thinking if dealing with things.
You need to air your worries with him and see what solution he can come up.
Because the reality is that it's his family and he will be the one feeling stretched out between you and the rest of the family.
Talk to him OP and then, only then, you will e able to decide.

I know it won't be relaxing....Neither is being at home with him! He's a toddler, he toddles constantly. It's what they do. I still love every second with him.

OP I don't think you're being U at all and am a bit surprised at some of the responses here. I wouldn't do a hot country in August with a toddler even if I wasn't pregnant!

Look, you signed up to it but now the reality has hit: you will be largely confined to the villa trying to entertain a toddler who is in strange surroundings, outside of his routine, doesn't have his own things around him etc. Your DH will be trying to keep you happy and his family too and that's not really doable given their plans which weren't designed to suit you or DS. Tell DH to go and have a great time but it's just not worth the hassle for you.

To be honest it doesn't sound like the ILs will be too bothered whether you are there or not so why bother putting yourself through it?

Phew, a couple of you can see where I'm coming from! Still, feel like a right monster now.

Confide in your midwife, get her to arrange a letter saying you can't fly.

Done.

I wouldn't want to go there with a toddler who was going to be ignored by everyone else. How is that a holiday for you?

For gods sake, you have to go, being pregnant isn't an excuse. Don't cause trouble for your DH. I think you need to grow up you went to Cornwall with your parents so suck it up.

I would speak to your DH. It won't be much of a holiday for you if he leaves you every day to go out. Fair enough to go out to a few but he should take DS to some while you get to relax and spend time with both of you as well.

Maybe my perspective has been coloured by recent events, but it really don't get the "sod everyone else, don't do anything you don't want to" attitude.

6 months ago DHs family had a get-together. It was a long way away, 6 days before Xmas, with a grumpy 8yr old (from my previous marriage, and didn't know anyone who would be there except us), a teething, non-sleeping 9 month old and I was 12 weeks pregnant, sick and exhausted. As you can imagine, I didn't really want to go, and DH offered me an out, saying he'd go by himself, but I knew it would mean a lot to him for us all to go.

It wasn't easy for me at all, but PILs were over the moon that we had made the effort. We got some fabulous photos of them with all their grandsons (inc my older DS, who they made feel so welcome), and DSs met their cousins for the first time.

Since then both PILs have suddenly and unexpectedly died. DH is, understandably, devastated, but is so incredibly thankful for the time we all had together, and the memories and photos we have. Surely, if you love someone, you sometimes do things for no other reason than because it's important to them?

Add message | Report | Message poster LucilleBluth Mon 08-Jun-15 18:41:20
For gods sake, you have to go, being pregnant isn't an excuse. Don't cause trouble for your DH. I think you need to grow up you went to Cornwall with your parents so suck it up.

^^ seriously?? Are you one of the SILs?

The OP isn't causing trouble for her DH bloody hell he's a grown man surely he can explain to his family that his pregnant wife is allowed to change her mind about going on a holiday planned by and designed for people who are not pregnant and not looking after a toddler!

Lucille, I asked for opinions so
Fair enough. But I think there is a big difference between the two trips.... It was not overly hot, I could be involved in the planning of trip timings and meals without being made to feel awkward and I didn't have a huge great bump....

Sorry to hear about your pils artesia. You have all given me lots to think about.

Don't go. Don't put yourself through the stress of it. And I mean the undercurrent of stress between now and going.

As soon as you say you are not going, you will feel better. I promise.

OP YANBU as far as I can see, I did go on family holidays when my PFB was that age with the ILs but they helped (in their own way) and my DH was very hands on and did 50% or more of the care.
My DC are now teenagers but we did a similar hot break last year with ILs to celebrate a birthday, my SIL was pregnant with a toddler, her DH was not that hands on, but it didn't matter because DH and I plus our 2 DC were more than happy to watch the toddler.

My DD2 was born at the end of a flaming June and even as a 'hot' person I found it hard. In your circumstances I would have to say sorry I'm not up to it, my DH would not go without me either (his choice) but we like to holiday together.

Of course op doesn't have to go! For what's it's worth, giddy, I think it sounds awful and no way would I go. A really hot week at 28 weeks pregnant with a family who won't help you out, a toddler and an unfenced pool are the combination from hell in my view.

So what if you've been on holiday with your family already? If your inlaws are going to sulk about that it makes them, sound even worse.

I wouldn't go either OP, life is way to short to put yourself out for people who by all accounts probably wouldn't do the same for you. I wouldn't even bother trying to come out with an excuse either, just be honest - you've changed your mind; it doesn't work for you and you just don't want to go, end of. They don't have to like it but it's the truth. Going by what you've said, i highly doubt any of them would care much. I just don't see the point of pretending and putting yourself out when it's already clear there's not much love lost between you. Let your husband take the boy whilst you have a proper holiday with some time to yourself.

I think you should have been honest at the beginning. I think to pull out now would be really unfair on your DH but as you sound like you don't like his family anyway maybe that won't make any difference.

I don't know why you're so bothered about your IL's attitude to your child, when it seems your own husbands attitude to your child is piss poor.

I would suggest cancelling your and ds flights but booking for 3 plus pil so mil gets a hol with ds but in a more 2yo and pg mum friendly place.

What are the activities or days out that have been planned by your DH's family, OP?

Have they planned something for every day and how many days is the holiday for?