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AIBU?

To want to pull out of a foreign holiday with dh's family?

286 replies

Giddymamma · 08/06/2015 13:33

My mil has a big birthday coming up and has booked a villa for a week in a hot location at the end of August. I am supposed to be going with dh and our 2 yo son. Fil, 2 sils and their partners will also be there. I will be over 28 weeks pregnant.

My thoughts for not going...

Too hot and uncomfortable for my bump and my blonde little boy.
childless sils are planning lots of expensive activities / day trips which are not suitable for toddlers. When this was mentioned they just said they would do them without us rather than adapting activities. (I get they don't want their holiday plans dictated by a toddler but this means dh either leaves us alone all day or misses out on family activities.)
we would have to sort out car seat, push chair, cot etc, which isn't insurmountable but a faff and possibly expensive.
I could cancel my flight and use money for the three of us to have a break in the uk to have time alone before new baba arrives, which we may not be able to afford otherwise.

Reasons for going....

mil will be upset if we doesn't get a week with ds, especially as I have been away with ds and my parents to Cornwall earlier this year.
dh is worried me pulling out will cause bad feeling in family.
ds would probably love a week with a private pool and it would be nice for him to spend time with the other side of the family as sils live away and he doesn't know them very well.

What to do?! I would still want dh to go and spend quality time with his family without having to worry about me and ds feeling left out. I would need to get a docs note if I was to fly, so if I was "unable to get one", surely a "medical" reason for me and ds not going would avoid any recriminations / bad feeling?! Ps: ain't no way I would want ds going away for a week without his mama, so that's not an option! :) thanks in advance everyone.

OP posts:

Report

outtolunchagain · 08/06/2015 14:34

How on earth can you laze by the pool with a 2 year old , I couldn't take my eyes off mine for a minute , especially on hot slippery tiles next to a pool where people have no doubt got tables with drinks on and exciting tubes of suncream .

outtolunchagain · 08/06/2015 14:35

How on earth can you laze by the pool with a 2 year old , I couldn't take my eyes off mine for a minute , especially on hot slippery tiles next to a pool where people have no doubt got tables with drinks on and exciting tubes of suncream .

Theycallmemellowjello · 08/06/2015 14:36

Yabu - why did you agree to it if you knew it would be too hot? And yabu for expecting people to 'make an effort' about your ds - presuming they're not horrible to him there's no need for women to coo over children. I can't believe you are upset you weren't invited to a family event before and are now trying to get out of it. Sorry, just go an enjoy a nice time by the pool.

outtolunchagain · 08/06/2015 14:37

Sorry not sure why that posted twice , my comment was in response to closertofiftythantwenty

juneau · 08/06/2015 14:37

Does the pool have a fence , villas with pools and toddlers are not relaxing if you have to keep ds locked in all the time

^This is actually a really good point as small DC can drown in pools in less than two minutes and I'd be flipping terrified of staying in a villa with an unfenced pool and a toddler. OP you should find the answer to this question and if its not fenced and toddler-proof that might be your get out - that and the heat/advanced stage of pregnancy.

I think you'll have to let your DH go though, so if you stay behind it will you and DS staying at home, not DH.

JessiePinkman · 08/06/2015 14:37

Go! Have fun! Taking kids on holiday is a proper faff but so what, embrace it, get to know your dh's family they sound lovely (how would you feel if ds future wife did this to you??)

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 08/06/2015 14:39

Because I wouldn't expect me to be the only person looking out for DS in a family holiday. And - especially in hot weather - I'd expect DS to nap, even if he has dropped it at home. And I'd be in and out of the pool with him myself

User595994944 · 08/06/2015 14:40

I don't think YABU. I did a family holiday with DH's family when pregnant and having a young toddler in August in France, and DD and I were pretty miserable. It was 30-38 degrees everyday, so from about 11am to 3pm was too hot for me and DD to be outside, even in the shade, as she was so hot and bothered and crying all the time.

I was stuck indoors in a boring apartment alone with very few toys and no Cbeebies (!) while everyone else had a high old time. DH went off to do things with his family and there was no way MIL was going to miss the sun staying in with DD so I could nap or - perish the thought - have a bit of time enjoying the holiday myself.

I got exactly the comments people are giving you from PIL "people here are pregnant and have toddlers you know". But if you are used to 20 degrees or less and aren't acclimatised, it's not comparable. The French families seemed to go to the beach at 5pm anyway and weren't around until then.

I'd say you're really sorry, when you booked you didn't realise how you'd feel, this is an exceptional year and they can all enjoy themselves doing the grown up activities without worrying about you being stuck in the apartment all week. I really don't know why it is that your needs have to come bottom of the list when it comes to enjoying a holiday.

Radiatorvalves · 08/06/2015 14:41

I would go and make the best of it. Relax with DS near pool, and spend time with DH. I had a few days in a very hot (45 deg) Dubai with 22 month old blond DS on my own. It wasn't ideal, but we managed. I was about 6 months pg. no one at all to help as DH was delayed getting there. DH will need to set boundaries re days out, and perhaps avoid big family holidays in future.

SylvaniansAtEase · 08/06/2015 14:42

That's a very good point. No way would I be put in the position of supervising a toddler around an open pool while not able to dive in and rescue within seconds. Or at all, really.

But - there are bigger problems here. Ok, fine for your DH to wimp out of sticking up for your family to his sisters when you don't see that much of them.. But not fine to then put you in the firing line. He can't have it both ways. Either he acts like a husband and father and is protective, supportive, and publicly on your side, or he has the grace to say you're not coming and take the flack.

This is sounding more like a DH problem. He lets his sisters give you a hard time... err, just for existing? Bad, bad form. Couldn't respect a man like that. And certainly wouldn't put myself out for his family.

Giddymamma · 08/06/2015 14:42

When I talk about not making an effort I don't expect him I be showered with kisses and gifts and love and attention, and I wouldn't ask them to look after him so I could have a break, as I know they wouldn't want to and it's their holiday too so why should they?
I just think it would be nice if they spoke to him when he wandered up To them to show them his ball or his car, to not tut when I ask to use his mum's kitchen to make him something quick to eat when his mum tells us not to bring food for him as they will provide and then she forgets etc.

OP posts:

CestTout · 08/06/2015 14:48

Could DH go on a couple of the days out and then another couple of days could the three of you have a day out to an activity that your DS would love? So you have family time too?

PurpleCrazyHorse · 08/06/2015 15:01

Personally I think you should have declined right at the start and before booking. They've obviously now booked a villa that includes a room (or rooms) to accommodate you, DH and DS.

Most airlines will accommodate a buggy and car seat (often for free) so you should be able to take these with you. We were able to keep the buggy right up until we physically boarded the plane, which was brilliant with a 3yo DD and we got it back as soon as we stepped onto the tarmac.

Therefore I think YABU to back out now on the info given. But YANBU to be worried about how the holiday will be in light of the day trips being arranged. I'd be chatting to DH to work out how we are going to make the best of the holiday.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 08/06/2015 15:03

"What do you think toddlers and pregnant women do when they live in a hot country ?"

if they live there they're more used to the heat.
they would spend more time indoors, which isn't what most people do on holiday.
the heat does actually cause quite a few deaths every year in many places (not that I think the OP is in danger, just to point out that the heat isn't necessarily harmless!)

grannytomine · 08/06/2015 15:06

I think if I was in this position my midwife might not think its a good idea for some reason so I would have to reluctantly follow her advice. Good luck.

AspieAndNT · 08/06/2015 15:08

It sounds like my idea of hell and that is why I would not have agreed to it in the first place.

If your DH takes DS alone, will he look after him properly - especially with the pool.

bunnysmummy · 08/06/2015 15:10

Hmmm they sound like a right pair. I get how hard it must be for people that cant have children but then can they not enjoy spending time with a nephew?
You need to have a word to DH about this. He needs to be on your side if the SILs are being shitty. But also you need to say something. No one would fucking tut at me, I wouldn't stand for it. "sorry, what was that? sounded like tutting", don't allow them to bully you.

WayneRooneysHair · 08/06/2015 15:10

I don't think that you are being unreasonable but what about your DH?

SonjasSister · 08/06/2015 15:22

I wonder if you can stay home and ( have dh) make clear its partly because you know you won't be avle to cope with theheat, but in addition because you want dh to be free to join in all the actvities and not have to stay at the villa with you and ds, and you don't want him to feel torn/spoil things". Because you're a bit damned if you do damned if you don't , so maybe choose the option you want?

Giddymamma · 08/06/2015 15:34

I agreed to hol hoping I would be pregnant ie perfect get out clause. I agree that was cowardly.

OP posts:

SonjasSister · 08/06/2015 16:06

By damned if you do / don't i mean either you keep yourself awayy, or you keep dh in the villa. If they areunderstanding about dh staying with you though, maybe it wo nt be so bad?

Giddymamma · 08/06/2015 16:11

Pppttthhh. Just got myself so worked up about this stupid holiday. It can't be as bad as I think it will be, as I imagine it will be hell on earth.....

To come back to one point.... I was deeply hurt not to be invited last time (wouldn't you be?) but I mention it as nothing has changed other than I now have a baby and they probably felt they really couldn't ignore me this time. I am still not "family".

OP posts:

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Giddymamma · 08/06/2015 16:13

And I think "not everyone loves you, not even all of your family" is a harsh lesson for a not yet two year old to learn, especially before his world is turned upside down by another sibling. Gah. Hormones. Sobbing.

OP posts:

whooshbangprettycolours · 08/06/2015 16:14

still not family, er well you are really aren't you... think your DH needs to flag that one up. You're his family.

Whathaveilost · 08/06/2015 16:15

Talk about a drip feed post!

You've booked it knowing all this stuff.

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