To want to pull out of a foreign holiday with dh's family?

[Giddymamma]

My mil has a big birthday coming up and has booked a villa for a week in a hot location at the end of August. I am supposed to be going with dh and our 2 yo son. Fil, 2 sils and their partners will also be there. I will be over 28 weeks pregnant.

My thoughts for not going...

• Too hot and uncomfortable for my bump and my blonde little boy.
  
• childless sils are planning lots of expensive activities / day trips which are not suitable for toddlers. When this was mentioned they just said they would do them without us rather than adapting activities. (I get they don't want their holiday plans dictated by a toddler but this means dh either leaves us alone all day or misses out on family activities.)
  
• we would have to sort out car seat, push chair, cot etc, which isn't insurmountable but a faff and possibly expensive.
  
• I could cancel my flight and use money for the three of us to have a break in the uk to have time alone before new baba arrives, which we may not be able to afford otherwise.
  

Reasons for going....

• mil will be upset if we doesn't get a week with ds, especially as I have been away with ds and my parents to Cornwall earlier this year.
  
• dh is worried me pulling out will cause bad feeling in family.
  
• ds would probably love a week with a private pool and it would be nice for him to spend time with the other side of the family as sils live away and he doesn't know them very well.
  

What to do?! I would still want dh to go and spend quality time with his family without having to worry about me and ds feeling left out. I would need to get a docs note if I was to fly, so if I was "unable to get one", surely a "medical" reason for me and ds not going would avoid any recriminations / bad feeling?! Ps: ain't no way I would want ds going away for a week without his mama, so that's not an option! :) thanks in advance everyone.

[diddl]

"ain't no way I would want ds going away for a week without his mama, so that's not an option! "

But it's OK for his dad to??

Tbh I was with you until this!

Spain in August would be my idea of hell so it would have been a no from the off.

I think that ideally you should have let your husband & son go.

Although of course you have the perfect excuse to keep your toddler at home if your husband wants to go on the days out that have been organised.

[rookiemere]

I'm sorry you are so upset about this.

Unfortunately as you agreed to it, and as it is paid for I think you should go, unless it poses a genuine health risk to your pregnancy.

I'm not sure that they organised the activities specifically with the aim of alienating you - is it not more that they want to see things in the area and to be honest, with the exception of going to the beach most activities aren't that toddler friendly. As your DH has said he'll stay with you I'd hold him to that for at least half of the trips.

And then never ever book to go on holiday with them again.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

OP, you have many, many good reasons to not go on this holiday. All you really need to decide is which ones to deploy - I presume the more diplomatic ones are what you are looking for?

1. Doctor won't sign you off for flying - they just can't argue with that one.
   
2. Midwife thinks you might struggle with the heat, and so do you. You don't need to make this pregnancy any harder.
   
3. They'll all be out doing things, you are worried about DS and the pool as you might not be quick enough/fall asleep in the heat. A valid reason to a sensible person, but sounds like they would argue against it, so not so good.
   

And that's before you get to the sisters treating you like shit.


Personally I'd wave DH off to have a nice time on his todd, while spending quality time at home with DS.

[MamanOfThree]

Having travelled when I was much further away than you in extremely hot weather, I wouldn't think it's a problem if all you do is staying in the shade next to the swimming pool.
If you are trying to do things and move around, it will be a different issue.
Re toddler, again, not an issue as long as it is toddler friendly type of stuff.

I would say that it looks like that either the SIL don't really want to see you there OR they just haven't a clue.
Either way, as this is about your MIL, I would go and plan for your DH to have some time with you and some time with his family wo you if you can't participate due to toddler and/or pg.
Hopefully, there will also be times that you can all spend together.

What I would do is have a word with your DH and agree on a strategy BEFORE leaving. Agree that the only answer is 'Oh I would love to come but I also want to spend time with my DW and ds. Next time!' and be sure he DOES spend quite a bit of time with them.
Decide of what proportion of time it will be good to spend with his family wo you if none of the activities are toddler proof or even better, maybe YOU could go whilst your DH has to, unfortunately, stay at home with his ds...
Clearly you want to be sure that you are clearly showing good will to participate, your DH wants to spend time with his family and you don't want to left alone at home all the time.

[sunbathe]

I think YANBU. I find the heat sapping enough, without being pregnant.

Most villas I've looked at this year (lots!), don't have fences round the pools. If this is true for yours, it alone would make me not go in your situation.

[RandomFriend]

What are the cooking arrangements at the villa? Has MIL also paid for someone to do the catering?

If so, I think you should definitely go on holiday with them and enjoy the villa, its pool and the shade. Take plenty of toys/games/books for you to play with DS, and enjoy your time away with DS at this "lovely stage"

[RandomFriend]

Even if everyone else if off during the day on activities that are unsuitable for a toddler or things that you cannot join in being pregnant, you can enjoy the villa quietly whilst they are away.

Presumably your DH will not go off and leave you behind every day, and perhaps even MIL will not want to do all of these extra activities. There will be plenty of family time even if some people are off doing stuff some of the time. This is your chance to get to know the family.

[MamanOfThree]

Giddy how are your PIL towards you? Do they consider your as family or noot?

Because if they don't, then I retract my advice and would say that you have to stay at home unfortunately.

As for your DH going with ds.... I can see how this would go down well if none of the activities are toddler friendly and he has to stay at home on his own whilst they all go out on a jolly....

[SpidySensesAreOff]

I live in Spain and it's been roasting here already, by August it will be insanely hot. If you can avoid it whilst pregnant then do, been there and it's not pleasant). You'll spend all your time inside with the aircon on and probably still sweating.

[Giantbabymama]

Oh God I've had the MIL refusing to invite me to things as I'm "not family". Poor you. And please ignore the "you knew this when you booked it" stuff as hindsight is a wonderful thing and those posters are just being unhelpful.

Having said that, If you can go, I would to avoid bad feeling to be honest you don't know what will have happened by then and your doc could well refuse permission to fly if you have high blood pressure or whatever which is categorically not your fault.

If you really don't want to go, then don't, make the decision, but then be happy with it, ignore any silly comments about it from SILs etc and just try not to get sucked into things you don't want in future.

Most importantly, don't tie yourself in knots about letting people down or whatever. The majority of people on here are mums, as it is mumsnet ffs, so we all know what it's like to get emotional and hormonal when pregnant and generally have a shit time.

[Bejeena]

Oh I feel for you, any woman who would actually look forward to going on holiday with mother in law and sister in laws must be blessed to have married in to a nice family.

Then there is the rest of us and we just have to grot our teeth and get on with it, something which I am personally finding hard at the moment as have had a rough time recently.

It is booked now so I would go, you probably will enjoy a fair bit of it. However, at 28 weeks pregnant your husband has to spend any second of the day when he is not working looking after your son if needed so you can rest. So the day trips and outings are out for him, goes without saying. However you will still all be there in evenings and to enjoy your mils birthday.

My inlaws have this knack of making me feel like I am bottom of the pile and I am never consulted about anything and then when I do say that a slightly different arrangement would be better due to my toddler's nap or meal time then all he'll breaks loose and I am being fussy.

So I know how you feel, you totally are not being unreasonable but I would just suck it up and go.

[Lavenderice]

Even after the drip feed I still think you are being unreasonable if you chose not to go and don'tallow your DP to take your DS. I actually don't even understand the 'allowing' your son, he's your DP's son too so why should you alone decide this. As for your SIL's response to your son, you can't expect everyone to react to your child the way you want particularly in light of her fertility problems.

[Giddymamma]

I don't think they are trying to deliberately pick non toddler things to alienate me, they just want to make the most of their holiday. I have no issue with this. They sound like fun, in toddler less circumstances I would want to do them too. I have no issue with dh doing them.

Ain't no way he goes without his mama is because dh has never looked after him for more than a day, has never been on his own with him on a night and hates him waking up in the night as dh is a grump when woken and doesn't tend to have to get up with him normally. He also chooses (and I do mean chooses - he is freelance and likes to go) to work away regularly for up to a week at a time, so it is not like I'm depriving him of his son that he usually has unfettered access to. He is a good dad, but I don't think he would cope on his own for a week and given his family have never previously offered to give us a break When we have spent time wih them I don't know that they would on holiday. I would be at home worried sick. I also don't expect his sisters' attitudes to change towards me or ds. It is what it is. I just don't want to be around it.

[Giddymamma]

Pils are fine but slightly distant with me. They live 20 mins away, usually come to see ds once a week, usually on the day when his dad looks after him when I am at work (their choice). I have never stopped mil visiting whenever she asks and cancelled plans many times to accommodate her last minute visits, we ask them round to dinner, etc. We offer to take him round more often but they are very busy and don't always want us to go. (They are retired. :/). THere has been no row, I have never done anything terrible to them or their son, I am not a bad person, we have similar backgrounds, I have a good job Etc. This is just how they are. in fact dh sees more of them now Than they used to. They have done nothing wrong but we're not talking grandparents of the year by any means.

[Giddymamma]

Booked it knowing I didn't want to go and hoping pregnancy could get me out of it. Thought would be less trouble than just flat saying no. Asked if we could go somewhere cooler at planning stage, was told family want sun. Again, I know that their world does not revolve around my son and that is fair enough. But my world does.

[Inertia]

Given how uninvolved your husband is with your son's life, it sounds as though there's every chance he'd bugger off on the outings with his family, leaving you to entertain a toddler around an unfenced pool while 28 weeks pregnant. I wouldn't fancy that,before you even factor in the hostility towards you from his family.

[MamanOfThree]

What is your DH thinking re the trip? Does he think it's a good idea for you to go, you'd better stay at home with ds?
How supportiver will he be once you are there together? Is he likely to saty with you or to go away with his family, leaving you at home on yur own for days on end?

I'm just worried that yu saiud youo had been hoping to be pg so yoou didn't have to go in the first place. But you never mention your DH or what would be the plan for both of you.
Which makes me wonder if you are worried to tell him too, and yu need an excuse with him too.

[Artesia]

Am afraid I think YABU. Sometimes you just have to suck things up for the sake of your other half. It's only a week and, as you said, DS will love it.

It won't be a particularly easy or relaxing week for you, but i doubt it will be half as bad as you are imagining. At that age DS will be delighted to be in the pool or just pottering around the villa, and it gives you chance to have some lovely quiet time with him while the others are off doing the various activities.

Be organised, take lots of activities with you (when I went to Spain with DS at a similar age I took a tiny inflatable paddling pool so he could play in it, float toy boats around etc while I sat next to him, rather than having to be in the big pool at the time), and be prepared to be a bit flexible around food/naps etc. Then plaster on a smile, get through the week and, once you get home, remind DH that he owes you big time!

[Iwasbornin1993]

Sorry I think YABU - you should never have agreed to go if you knew at the time of booking you had no intentions of going. Having said that, it's your decision if you go or not now so don't feel like you have to but be prepared for there to be hostility when you tell everyone!

[SpidySensesAreOff]

Is the pool unfenced? If so given what you have said about your DH & son then not in a million years would they be going without me.

[NotOneIota]

OP,don't go,YANBU. It sounds like it will be a hellish holiday for you. Let DP go and have the holiday with his family and you have a lovely week with DS. If you're this stressed about it already,and was hoping that your 'pregnancy could get you out of it' then you really don't want to go,do you? You have an excuse now,bite the bullet and pull out of the holiday. But next time you KNOW you don't want to do something,be brave and say no straight off.

[Artesia]

vvega maybe because she loves her DH and wants to do it for him? Is that really such a strange idea?

[RockinHippy]

We did the Egyptian desert with a toddler in September, it was fabulous.

I also travelled around Italy in August whilst 8 months pregnant - spent a lot of time with my feet in fountains, Rome was 130 degrees, but I coped fine & it was amazing.

Just get high factor sun cream covering DS & the right clothes, relax & go & enjoy - YABU

[Giddymamma]

Dh is involved in lots of ways, but ds was bf for a long time so there wasn't much he could contribute to the night-time feeds! He will feel stuck I think. His sisters will expect him to accompany them and as he doesn't see them often I see their point. If he stays with us he will just be pottering round a villa while ds hopefully Naps during the middle Of the day.