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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to pull out of a foreign holiday with dh's family?

286 replies

Giddymamma · 08/06/2015 13:33

My mil has a big birthday coming up and has booked a villa for a week in a hot location at the end of August. I am supposed to be going with dh and our 2 yo son. Fil, 2 sils and their partners will also be there. I will be over 28 weeks pregnant.

My thoughts for not going...

  • Too hot and uncomfortable for my bump and my blonde little boy.
  • childless sils are planning lots of expensive activities / day trips which are not suitable for toddlers. When this was mentioned they just said they would do them without us rather than adapting activities. (I get they don't want their holiday plans dictated by a toddler but this means dh either leaves us alone all day or misses out on family activities.)
  • we would have to sort out car seat, push chair, cot etc, which isn't insurmountable but a faff and possibly expensive.
  • I could cancel my flight and use money for the three of us to have a break in the uk to have time alone before new baba arrives, which we may not be able to afford otherwise.

Reasons for going....

  • mil will be upset if we doesn't get a week with ds, especially as I have been away with ds and my parents to Cornwall earlier this year.
  • dh is worried me pulling out will cause bad feeling in family.
  • ds would probably love a week with a private pool and it would be nice for him to spend time with the other side of the family as sils live away and he doesn't know them very well.

What to do?! I would still want dh to go and spend quality time with his family without having to worry about me and ds feeling left out. I would need to get a docs note if I was to fly, so if I was "unable to get one", surely a "medical" reason for me and ds not going would avoid any recriminations / bad feeling?! Ps: ain't no way I would want ds going away for a week without his mama, so that's not an option! :) thanks in advance everyone.

OP posts:
CactusAnnie · 08/06/2015 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Giddymamma · 08/06/2015 19:38

I would hate to think I've given that impression winter. He loves us, he also loves his family. He has a job he is passionate about that sometimes takes him away from us for short periods of time. He doesn't do night feeds as he has never got in the habit of doing them as I breastfeed my son in the night. He is currently putting the bins out, after having made tea for us all and played footballing dinosaurs with ds for an hour after he got in from being at work. This is not about my dh.

OP posts:
hackmum · 08/06/2015 19:42

I'm clearly in a minority, but in my view YANBU.

Hot countries in August aren't much fun, they're really not, and even less fun when you're heavily pregnant. (How pregnant women who live there manage is irrelevant.) Good chance there'll also be mosquitoes, just to add to the misery.

They've planned lots of activities you won't be able to do. So you'll be stuck running - or rather waddling - around after a toddler in the heat. Doesn't sound like much fun to me.

Your DS may well enjoy the pool, but you'll have to keep your eye on him the whole time, and if your DH is going off on the activities planned by the SILs, you'll be doing it all on your own (unless MIL intends sticking around, does she?)

My view is you don't have to do stuff you don't want in life. Now and again, yes - go out for a meal that you don't really want for the sake of peace. But a whole week that you won't enjoy and you're going to have to pay for, just because someone else's feelings aren't hurt? No. After all, they didn't take your feelings into account when they booked the holiday.

Ruperta · 08/06/2015 19:42

I think you are being very unreasonable. You are making up nonsense excuses because you just don't want to go because essentially you don't like your DH family. If you cancel now it will be clear to all involved you are cancelling because you you don't really like them.

A holiday in the sunshine with additional help with your toddler and husband sounds wonderful. So what if they go out on day trips, at least you'll get a break from the SILS if they are really that bad.

Don't cancel now, it will make you seem really petty. You can fly up to 33 weeks without the need for any medical clearance so that excuse is see through, it being to hot is just plain daft excuse too etc.

Sounds like you are putting your DH in a really awkward situation. Imagine if the tables were turned and it was your mothers celebration but your DH started to back out at the last minute & demand that your DS doesn't go either.

Just go, relax, slather on the sun cream and lighten up. It's a holiday, a cheap one at that, with additional childcare - it would be very poor form to back out now.

Original poster
Giddymamma · 08/06/2015 19:44

They used to sail when the kids were young, so they are chartering a sail boat for either two or three days. They are also going on a drivingtour round the island to have lunch at a posh restaurant at the other end of it from where we are staying. There is talk of going out on a private boat for the day to go snorkelling round different parts of the coast with a chef making lunch for them in the boat.

I haven't changed My Mind I just now have potentially a way to get out of it without causing the upset that would have occurred if I had said no at the start.

Ds is blond, fair skinned, not been exposed to hot sun much and dh has had skin cancer.

OP posts:
controlaltdlete · 08/06/2015 19:44

I can see your reservations but I think you'll enjoy it.
The extended family can go off on their day trips & you & DS can play in the pool and have long naps.
Definitely get DH onside in helping you with DS when he's there and don't forget the GPs will be at leisure too to pitch in.
Holidays with little ones are rarely relaxing but can be fun.

Plus, your relationship with the extended family might suffer if you back out now.

Original poster
Giddymamma · 08/06/2015 19:45

I will need a docs note - 28 weeks is the cut off for the company we are flying with.

OP posts:
ohrubbishon · 08/06/2015 19:46

I think you are getting a bit of a hard time here and I'm wondering if it really has to be a big deal with your in laws. I know people have babies in hot countries but high temperatures can be difficult when you are not used to them and pregnant and main carer for a toddler in high temperatures is my idea of a nightmare. It just isn't the same as a week in Cornwall! To be honest your in laws don't sound too fussed on you and your little one going. Can you not say the midwife excuse but also that you don't want to limit their plans for their adult holiday and could you have a special meal out or maybe a weekend away in the UK with just you and mil/fil? It might work better for everyone, they might be relieved! They must be aware it is difficult for your sil. What does your DH say on the matter?
Oh and I wouldn't want to be away from my toddler either for that length of time. The pool would also be a big concern for me.

poorchurchmouse · 08/06/2015 19:51

I'm not sure why the OP is getting quite such a hard time when she wasn't pregnant when the trip was booked - she didn't know if she'd get pregnant at all or, if she did, how far on she'd be.

I do question the assertion that your DH is a good dad, though. He sounds a bit (deliberately) useless. I wouldn't want to send a child away for a week with a crap grumpy dad and uninterested ILs.

vvega · 08/06/2015 19:52

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hackmum · 08/06/2015 19:54

Ruperta: "A holiday in the sunshine with additional help with your toddler and husband sounds wonderful."

But not for everybody. I don't quite understand why some people are finding it difficult to appreciate that not everyone loves the sun. I normally like hot countries but a few years ago we went to Italy in August and it was unbearable. Ridiculously hot, busy to breaking point, beaches completely crowded etc. One of the worst holidays I've ever had.

Ruperta · 08/06/2015 19:56

My god some people are making going on holiday sound like torture to be endured - what do you people who seem so horrified by sun, pool, toddler combo do to relax. We took a 8month & 2.5 year old on holiday to Turkey last July, it was 40 degrees and we had an amazing time. (& we didn't have any additional grandparents/family for childcare).

Stop finding problems where there aren't any. Sunshine, pool, beach are not a hardship.

It's 28 weeks for fitness to fly usually if you are having twins. No harm in getting a form but highly likely you wouldn't convince people you had been told not to travel! (I also went to France when I was 36 weeks pregnant with my second - not flying, on the tunnel)

Seriously chill out, suck up the in law crap & enjoy time with your toddler round the pool. Stop looking for excuses

rookiemere · 08/06/2015 19:59

Look if you really don't want to go then do what you said in your OP encourage your midwife to suggest that she couldn't possible recommend you for a docs note, that way it's not you saying no, it's a medical opinion that no one can argue with.

But in future you need to think your decisions through and most importantly you need to own them. You knew it would be hot in August for your DS when it was booked and I assume he had blonde hair at that point too. You will also have known that you are going to be 28 weeks pregnant at that point for some time too.

You should never have agreed to it in the first place and I think it's a bit unfair on your DH that you said yes, secretly hoping the situation would go away. It's a bit unfair on him and you would have been better to discuss it properly at the time.

Ruperta · 08/06/2015 20:02

If you have bad family dynamics now backing out at this stage will just make it far worse and more uncomfortable in the future. I would be devastated if I was your husband.

vvega · 08/06/2015 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 08/06/2015 20:09

So, realistically, how much time would you spend alone with your son & would it bother you?

For me I think that that is what it would come down to tbh.

ADishBestEatenCold · 08/06/2015 20:10

You do sound genuinely upset, Giddymama, however you also sound (to me) really rather determined not to see any potential enjoyment in this holiday at all.

I understand that your son is blond and fair skinned and that it will be very hot, but use a high factor sunscreen (or total block), UV protective whole-body swim suit, big baggy t-shirts (can also be UV protective) and hats. He will be fine and for most of the time he will love it (lets face it, toddlers don't love anything for all of the time).

Spend a couple of the days with all three of you joining in with the activities that most appeal (don't worry about the fact that restaurants or whatever might be 'posh', they will be lovely to your son) and even if they are not particularly child-friendly activities, I think you will find your son still gets something out of it.
Also spend a couple of days just you, your DH and your son together, doing more child-friendly activities.

The remaining days, you and DH split the childcare, so a couple of times he goes with the grown-ups and a couple of times you do, while the other one does pool/beach/villa with DS.

Divided in this way, this could be a lovely holiday for all concerned, including you, your DH and your DS.

outtolunchagain · 08/06/2015 20:12

But the OP has made it perfectly clear that her ILs won't help with the toddler so she will be doing all the childcare alone . The activities she has listed are not remotely child friendly and also sound quite expensive , private chef on boat after sailing trip , so she will
Be on her own in s villa with her two year old whilst the rest of the family are off living it up , so she might as well be at home .

diddl · 08/06/2015 20:14

It's not just that the ILs won't help, but that SILs are hoping to take OPs husband on things things that the toddler & therefore OP can't go on.

When push comes to shove, how much would her husband refuse to do to have time with his wife & son?

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 08/06/2015 20:24

I wouldn't take a toddler on holiday with an unfenced pool, even if I wanted to go on the holiday in the first place. You won't get to relax for a second. It sounds horrendous. Say your midwife has advised you not to go and then plan something special with MIL that actually would create happy memories for you all.

CactusAnnie · 08/06/2015 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Liara · 08/06/2015 20:27

I went on a large family holiday at 32 weeks pg and with toddler ds1. It was to a very, very hot place and an 18+ hour trip to get there.

Yes, it was a drag. And I got food poisoning, as did ds1 and dh. All in all, I could happily have given it a miss.

But you know what? It was family, and it meant a lot to the family member that organised it that we should be there. So we did it. And we survived, it wasn't the end of the world.

Sometimes you just do things that are a bit of a fag for others.

DustBunnyFarmer · 08/06/2015 20:29

I've had a nightmare holiday with a toddler and preschooler and 1 set of grandparents with difficult family dynamics. There wasn't even the heat, foreign climes, flights, being ditched for activities which excluded us or an advanced pregnancy to factor in. Suffice it to say, that was our last holiday with family. It also put DH off sharing with friends/anyone in future. Given all the detail you've provided, I would pull out in your situation. However, I would be more assertive about saying no at the outset in future.

UmmErrWhateves · 08/06/2015 20:33

Is the villa air conditioned?

I don't think your DS would be bored if he is in a new place with both his parents to play with. If you and your DH hire a car then you can go out on gentle kid friendly trips.

I don't think your DS will care if his aunties don't fuss over him. In my experience kids learn quickly who is fun and who isn't. Your feelings might be hurt by it but I doubt your DS's is.

I think you really might enjoy it if you can get over the negative feelings and I think it would be a shame for your DH if you cancelled.

PS have you asked your DAh if he would like to go with DS on his own. He might like the idea.

RandomMess · 08/06/2015 20:34

I've been heavily pregnant with a toddler at home in the 2003 heat wave in the SE it was utterly vile and I wouldn't want to have to cope with villa sharing with others etc.

I'm sorry but I'd rather let dh go on his own with my blessing and cope with my toddler on my own. Plus they can all go off and do whatever without someone being left behind with ds.

The fact that SIL can't have dc and you're going to be visibly pregnant is just not going to make it pleasant for her either.

I'd ask dh to go on his own and then have MIL come for a long weekend at some other point to visit to make up for the fact you and ds are not going to be able to go.