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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish she would just back off?!

224 replies

OneDoneOneBun · 31/05/2015 11:06

DP and I have lived in our new house a little over a year, we have a 9 month old and I'm 10 weeks pregnant with our second.
We are very friendly with the family who live 3 doors up but it's become increasingly clear that their daughter fancies DP, she constantly flirts with him, If he goes outside to chat to her stepdad she comes out straight away and flirts the whole time. She posted a dub smash video to his FB wall a few weeks ago of herself asking him "do you think I'm cute, yes or no" pouting with very little clothes on and just silly things like that all the time. They've been on holiday for a week and are due back today, she inboxed DP last night asking "are you missing me? With kissy heart faces ð???. Maybe i'm just being over sensitive as i'm really hormonal at the moment so that's obviously not helping but it's really getting to me. I said to DP in bed last night that it's clear she fancies him and he said "yeah I think so too but I don't think about it, it's only a teenage thing and it'll pass" ... Well wether it's a teenage thing or not she's hardly 13, she's 17 and is old enough to know what she's doing, plus she has a boyfriend! I feel like I'm in an awkward situation cos I'm getting really pissed off about it but I feel like I can't say anything because we're so friendly with the family and I don't wanna fall out with them

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 04/06/2015 21:37

Wow he really is a knob, he does not care or respect you does he! He might have asked you outside in your pyjamas as your not at your best, to rub your face in it. He really is enjoying this isent he. His behaviour is very sneaky.

CrapBag · 04/06/2015 21:45

So 17 year old girls frequently go outside for a chat with their car fixing 30 year old neighbour do they? Nope, didn't think so.

He does need to tell her to go away. She is a teenage girl with a crush, he has been encouraging her so she isn't going to give up easily at all. He's going to have to get brutal about it. I have a feeling he won't though....

What has he said recently OP? You need to hammer home to him that this is highly inappropriate and completely disrespectful to you. Make him choose, would he rather disrespect his partner and mother to his children or slightly piss of a teenage neighbour with a crush?

MrsBigginsPieShop · 04/06/2015 22:04

Reality check.
If it actually came to it, what will a 17 year old girl want with a 30 year old man with two children?
Yes it's silly, yes it's not appropriate but come on, what do you really think will happen? It's all so teenagerish and over analysed. It's a silly little girls fantasy being fuelled by Facebook, not Romeo and Juliet.

MrsBigginsPieShop · 04/06/2015 22:06

And telling OP her DP doesn't care for her or respect her is unkind, thoughtless and probably very untrue!

Sansarya · 04/06/2015 22:10

MrsBiggins Have you read all the OP's posts? She does not describe a man behaving in a respectful way towards his partner. It doesn't matter whether or not the girl is serious, it's enough to make OP uncomfortable and her partner is deliberately ignoring her concerns.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/06/2015 22:11

Mrsbiggins it's true he does not! If he did, he would stop it in its tracks don't you think, he would set her straight, which he is not! Not the behaviour of a respectful and caring partner. You are wrong, mrsB, it çoukd develop into something more, it is worring he is encouraging her, a 30 year old man. A 16 year old girl at my school, ran off with her married 40 something music teacher. Yes it can definitely happen.

MrsBigginsPieShop · 04/06/2015 22:19

Well thats just what the OP needs to hear about the father of her children. Dramatics. Anyone going to chuck in the first LTB?
DP has acted like an arse. It doesn't mean he is an arse. He's been thoughtless and disrespectful, but If that's enough to chuck in a relationship then most people should be single.
The last thing OP needs is hand wringing and tub thumping and "I know so and so this happened to".

Aeroflotgirl · 04/06/2015 22:26

MrsBiggins are you tge partner. He is an adult not a child! An arse acts like an arse! Only its up to op to decide what she wants to do, she knows the situation and him better than us. But I would really have difficulty seeing a future with somebody who treated me this way.

MrsBigginsPieShop · 04/06/2015 22:30

Oh dear Lord....

Aeroflotgirl · 05/06/2015 06:58

I bet if the boot was on the other foot, op was flirting with a young lad, op,dh would not be happy. Yes he is uncaring and unrespectful, to treat his partner in such a shoddy way. Any decent man woukd put an end to it, but he is making op feel bad by making out it's harmless fun and she's overreacting. He is sustaining the flirting and interaction between him and the girl. He should not be friends with her in Facebook, nit should he be interacting with her, knowing she fancies him.

NRomanoff · 05/06/2015 07:14

This is horrendous. He asked you what you wanted him to do. You told him and he refuses. So he completely expected you to have no answer to what you wanted him to do.

You need to sort him out. It's a disgrace, he is putting himself in a vulnerable position because he likes the attention. What if she starts telling people that something is going on between them? The neighbours will believe it if they can see her always popping round or Sat talking to him while he fixes the van.

If I were you, I would tell her direct if he refuses to. One of Dhs waitresses at the restaurant we owned, acted like this and he told her straight she was being inappropriate. Her mum came in to speak to him because she had moaned to her, he told the mother as well. He told her it was unprofessional and completely inappropriate to flirt with your married boss and he wasn't going to have him or me feel uncomfortable in own business. The mother was furious with her daughter and the daughter then handed her notice in. I think the mother made her do and was very embarrassed.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/06/2015 07:27

Exactly NRomanoff, this is what should be happening here. Not only that, op is pregnant and he is causing her stress and anxiety she does not need.

NameChange30 · 05/06/2015 09:59

"if we try to have an adult conversation all he says is "whatever" and storms off upstairs."

His behaviour was already worrying and now this. What kind of partner is that?! Is he always like this? Does he ever listen to you like a respectful adult?

Sansarya · 05/06/2015 10:03

See the previous post MrsBiggins. Still think he's not an arse?

VerticalCheese · 05/06/2015 10:09

Hope you are ok OP. Horrible situation, must be very stressful for you

ttc2015 · 05/06/2015 10:43

MrsBiggins, would you treat your pregnant upset OH this way? He enjoys the attention and doesn't care that the OP is upset by it. A non-thoughtless, caring partner would have taken this teen off his fb or at least restricted her and would be firm in showing disinterest so she stopped.

And as I and other posters (some of whom have been the 15/16/17/18 year old doing the flirting) have said, she is obviously flirting and it's on him to let her down. Teens can very easily be interested in older men and some, like adult women, have the attitude of wanting to get one over on the wife by rubbing it in their face. Whether this is just a crush or she's really attracted to the OPs OH shouldn't be a worry at all if the OH wasn't encouraging her by commenting on her facebook, chatting to her and disregarding the crush and his partners feelings all for his own ego.

kumamon · 05/06/2015 10:50

I don't think it is about telling the girl to back off. I don't think she's the problem. She sounds like a self-involved 17 year old who doesn't really understand the implications of her actions. Annoying, and yes dislikeable, and much easier to blame.

The problem is your partner. He is minimising what you feel. He is making out that you are overreacting when you are not. I am enraged on your behalf. He is not only not stopping something that he knows bothers you, he is encouraging her and he is actively putting you in situations that he knows will upset you more (he needs vaseline FFS?). Doesn't he feel like the king of the world knowing this girl fancies him and you are getting jealous. What a guy.

This would be bad enough in normal circumstances. But you are pregnant OP.

I spend seven years with someone who acted like this. Made me feel bad because it made him feel better, told me my feelings were wrong and not important. I hope you have good friends and family support around you. You deserve to be with someone who cares about you and would never purposefully upset you. He doesn't sound like that person.

SillyStuffBiting · 05/06/2015 14:11

Ashamed to say I've been that 17 year old, easily flattered by the attention of an older man. Any wives feelings would not have been a concern of mine

diddl · 05/06/2015 14:12

"Any wives feelings would not have been a concern of mine"

Which is why it's up to the husband to deal with it!

SillyStuffBiting · 05/06/2015 14:14

I agree and he really is a bit of a shit for stringing the girl along.

Straycatblue · 05/06/2015 18:02

I hope this is a correct summary.
You are a 25 year old, 10 wks pregnant and you have a 9 month old together.
Your 30 year old partner is private messaging your 17 year neighbour who openly flirts with him in person, sends him videos to his facebook of provocative pictures of herself pouting with very little clothes on asking if he thinks shes attractive and comes and sits outside your house chatting to him.
Your partner is aware how upsetting this to you and is doing nothing to nip it in the bud, in fact he is replying to her messages, replying to the posts on his page and chatting away to her.

Yes you should be upset, who on earth would want a partner that behaves in this way, doesn't matter if its a teenage crush on the part of the girl, neither she nor your partner are respecting you.

I think some people are getting too caught up the girls age. She is an adult woman albeit a young one who is blatantly trying to seduce your partner (in fact she disrespects you so much shes brazenly doing it in front of you) and your partner is not trying to dissuade her in case she gets upset but yet he is ok with you being upset.

TheRollingCrone · 05/06/2015 18:13

Its all so inappropriate. On so many levels. She's a very young woman, your DH a grown man. He needs to wise up. for you.

Rivercam · 05/06/2015 22:07

Maybe you should show him this thread, to show him how,outrageous he is being.

7amliein · 05/06/2015 22:38

If you deal with this shrewdly you could end up with a free babysitter

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