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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish she would just back off?!

224 replies

OneDoneOneBun · 31/05/2015 11:06

DP and I have lived in our new house a little over a year, we have a 9 month old and I'm 10 weeks pregnant with our second.
We are very friendly with the family who live 3 doors up but it's become increasingly clear that their daughter fancies DP, she constantly flirts with him, If he goes outside to chat to her stepdad she comes out straight away and flirts the whole time. She posted a dub smash video to his FB wall a few weeks ago of herself asking him "do you think I'm cute, yes or no" pouting with very little clothes on and just silly things like that all the time. They've been on holiday for a week and are due back today, she inboxed DP last night asking "are you missing me? With kissy heart faces ð???. Maybe i'm just being over sensitive as i'm really hormonal at the moment so that's obviously not helping but it's really getting to me. I said to DP in bed last night that it's clear she fancies him and he said "yeah I think so too but I don't think about it, it's only a teenage thing and it'll pass" ... Well wether it's a teenage thing or not she's hardly 13, she's 17 and is old enough to know what she's doing, plus she has a boyfriend! I feel like I'm in an awkward situation cos I'm getting really pissed off about it but I feel like I can't say anything because we're so friendly with the family and I don't wanna fall out with them

OP posts:

SwedishEdith · 31/05/2015 12:05

He needs to hide her - and he should have done already, really. Judging from the mother's comment, I imagine the OP and the neighbours are in some kind of situation where deleting the daughter would have all kinds of repercussions.

Tequilashotfor1 · 31/05/2015 12:27

I don't know worral I would like to think posters would still feel that the private messaging and social media stuff were crossing the line if the roles were reversed.

She is not a child. At 17 you can drive a car. I had my own house and a 1yr old baby at 17, dd1 was a very mature intelligent Young woman at 17. She knows what she is doing and does need to take responsibility for that.

Although my sticking point is still with your DP op. If he was rebuffing her flirting or really ignoring it while outside and not texting back - she would stop. I think at the very least he is letting her think he is enjoying it or he encouraging it. Any normal person would say 'stop it you daft sod' where as he is been seen to not saying anything back. You don't know how he behaves when your not there.

WorraLiberty · 31/05/2015 12:43

I don't know worral I would like to think posters would still feel that the private messaging and social media stuff were crossing the line if the roles were reversed.

Yes I'm sure they would, but I wonder if they would question why the woman had a 17yr old neighbour, whose family she friendly with on her FB list?

Or if anyone would assume she enjoyed the attention.

The OP hasn't even said if her DH replied to the video post or the inbox.

Original poster

OneDoneOneBun · 31/05/2015 12:48

He's not enjoying it (as far as I know, and I do trust him) I told him how I feel and he said not to worry about it because it'll pass and that I'm the only one for him. He asked me what do I want him to do about it but I never asked him to delete her because it might make things awkward with the family . I just said not to encourage it and he said he never a has encouraged it and never would. He does reply to her though and I don't think he should even be doing that now that he knows she fancies him, he commented back to her mother under the video "there's something wrong with her ain't there lol" and he replied to the "are you missing me" message with "yea who else can I take the piss out of"
No I'm not 17 I'm 25 and DP is 30

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 31/05/2015 12:51

Hmm well it looks like he is encouraging her, whether he means to or not.

He should just unfriend her and tell her he's having a FB cull (as a pp suggested).

It's not the end of the world to have a neighbour take you off their FB list and if she thinks it is, she's going to have to get over it.

I can't see why it would cause a problem between you and her parents because why would they care?

Rivercam · 31/05/2015 12:53

We had this situation when a teenager had a crush on my husband. He used to work from home sometimes, and learnt to lock the door (it was one of those neighbourhoods when people would just walk in to your house if they knew you were there).

I think your husband should stop replying as that could be seen as encouraging it.

SaucyJack · 31/05/2015 12:55

I don't think that's the right approach to take as he's giving her the impression he finds it funny in some way. Many people would put this in the flirty banter category.

Either ignoring it or privately messaging her to say it's inappropriate would be best that's if he wants to stop it

Tequilashotfor1 · 31/05/2015 12:59

Yes I'm sure they would, but I wonder if they would question why the woman had a 17yr old neighbour, whose family she friendly with on her FB list?

I agree with that. I don't think they would.

Op he needs to stop texting back and stop engaging with anything she posts.

NameChange30 · 31/05/2015 13:00

"Of course you can say something - post a nice picture of DH on Facebook and comment "mine all mine". Jokey but a reminder.
Every time she approches him post something similar. Keep it lighthearted but show her that you mean it."

OMG do NOT do this. Absolutely terrible idea. Probably one of the worst pieces of "advice" I've heard on mumsnet.

Your DH needs to deal with this rather than playing along and thinking it will go away. He is being naive and irresponsible.

He should have deleted her post on his FB wall, and certainly not replied to say yes! That's encouraging her! He can and should delete it now. And delete anything else inappropriate that she posts.

If she sends him a private message, I think he should say something polite but firm to nip it in the bud eg "I'm sure you're just joking around but this message isn't appropriate and I'd prefer it if you don't me private messages please." or something like that. Hopefully it won't come to that but I do think you need to make sure he is willing to tell her (kindly) to back off.
She is young and probably doesn't understand about appropriate boundaries, but all the more important that she learns. She needs to be respectful towards you both which means not flirting with him! And if he isn't willing to deal with it I think you will have no choice but to spend a bit less time socialising with the family.

Mousefinkle · 31/05/2015 13:07

His responses were very flirtatious whether he meant it that way or not. Even I, as a 20something year old, would take that as flirty. It sounds to me as if he's enjoying the attention...

She's 17. The age gap between them is not outrageous, he's hardly old enough to be her father. It sounds like she has one almighty crush on him and rather than him shutting her down and making it clear that he's absolutely not interested he's almost leading her on.

If he really isn't interested (which he obviously shouldn't be!) then he needs to make that absolutely clear to her because right now she thinks she's onto something, I guarantee it.

BowiesJumper · 31/05/2015 13:08

His replies are hardly discouraging her! He needs to ignore any messages entirely and remain distant in person.

Certainly don't get into a childish tug of war over social media with her, you're not in school!

Wristy · 31/05/2015 13:11

His reply to the 'do you miss me?' Question should just have been 'No.' Or even no reply at all.

It would appear if he's going to the trouble of replying he's certainly in no rush to encourage her to stop.

XiCi · 31/05/2015 13:15

Those replies back to her are flirty and she will be encouraged by them. This behaviour will only escalate while he is encouraging her like that, surely you can both see that. There is no point saying you wish she would back off when you're DHs actions are ensuring the opposite will happen. He needs to stop engaging with her, out of respect for you if nothing else.

I suspect he is enjoying the attention far more than you think

WhoNickedMyName · 31/05/2015 13:16

Well he's not in a hurry to nip this in the bud, is he? In fact, it's up to you to tell him what you think he should do because as a grown man he can't figure out that he's encouraging her? I think you've got a problem on your hands here.

SolidGoldBrass · 31/05/2015 13:18

Best thing to do is just ignore her and she'll get bored. Any kind of confrontation or intervention will turn into a bad soap opera and make this a much bigger deal than it is.

Because, really, it's nothing for anyone to get over-excited about: just a teenager with a crush that she will soon get bored with.

MagentaVitus · 31/05/2015 13:18

Exactly Who. That is what makes me think he is flattered.

CommonplaceMagic · 31/05/2015 13:21

But he is encouraging her whether he means to or not. A jokey response is encouraging. Can he not see that?

He is the adult in this situation. He either needs to delete her from FB or change his settings so she can't post on his wall. And then be polite but distant when he sees her IRL. Teen crushes do often pass quickly - but by engaging with her your OH is dragging it out.

This doesn't need to be a big drama but I would strongly suggest he nips it in the bud.

SolidGoldBrass · 31/05/2015 13:22

Actually OP, here's an idea - Why don't you and your DP get married? Then you can explode happily all over Facebook with your wedding palns - that shoud see her off.

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 31/05/2015 13:22

Sorry but I also agree. Any attention, whether jokey or whatever, is massive to a 17 year old with a crush. She'll be analysing everything he's written and trying to read between the lines to see if it equates to anything.

He needs to stop engaging with her full-stop to get the message across.

GreenAugustLion · 31/05/2015 13:28

The dub smash video thing is way ott...i would share/forward it on to her parents and ask them to have a word because it's completely inappropriate for her to be sending this sort of shit to her 30 year old married neighbour.

Although like a pp said, this would probably be best coming from the dh because the girl would probably be pleased she'd pissed the wife off...she sounds like a right sort tbh.

BolshierAyraStark · 31/05/2015 13:32

Well you're DH isn't in any hurry to discourage her is he?
He should either block her or ignore everything she posts.
I do agree though that she'll soon get bored, quicker if she doesn't get any encouragement...

KillmeNow · 31/05/2015 13:33

I know several families where this sort of scenario is a hoot to all concerned.

The mother and step father would think that the antics are funny ,probably more akin to an 8 year old acting like a teen than a 17 year old, and would not interfere in the same way they wouldnt with a younger child.

The girl , not being corrected, thinks this is fine and is just waiting for a response she can be clever with. She will get bored in a short while if she isnt getting anything back.

The best thing is to ignore ignore ignore.You can hide messages without defriending the person so are not tempted to react to them .They wont know that their messages are hidden. Its best for your DH to stop posting as much on facebook for a while so the family will assume he's not a prolific poster and not take offence at no responses. Many people have a profile but rarely check it. He can be vague if questioned about it.

Learn from this that it isnt a good idea to add new acquaintances to facebook etc until you have checked out their online/offline behaviours.

BolshierAyraStark · 31/05/2015 13:33

Your not you're, bloody auto correct

Nabuma · 31/05/2015 13:34

tequila I disagree with your argument that she is mature enough to know exactly what she's doing. Yes, she has a crush and is making a play for this man, but she is probably not sensible or mature enough to foresee the fall out.

Whilst you may have been very responsible and grown up at that age, many people aren't at 17. This girl quite clearly isn't and theoretically, if the op's DP were interested in her romantically, she would be walking into and a direct cause of (with DP to blame too) a whole load of shit. She clearly hasn't recognised that. She is not legally an adult yet, so parents should be involved.

OP, sounds like DP needs to be firmer. I would suggest a standoffish and incredulous kind of response from him every time she crosses the line.

NameChange30 · 31/05/2015 13:37

"Why don't you and your DP get married? Then you can explode happily all over Facebook with your wedding palns - that shoud see her off."

Get married to make a teenage girl jealous? Great idea
I wouldn't exactly be in a rush to marry a man who didn't have the respect for me or the balls to reject a teenager who was flirting with him.

Also, I disagree with the PPs who suggested talking to her mum/parents. Her mum liked the FB post so she is hardly going to react as hoped, is she?! The girl is 17 and old enough to be responsible for her own actions. Your DP can respond to her without involving the parents which would make the whole thing more awkward IMO. Hopefully if he makes it clear he's not interested she will stop and move on. She wouldn't stop if her mum told her to (not that she would) - it has to be DP who says it.

OP if I were you I would ask DP if she's sent him any private messages, and ask him to let you know if she does. If he is not willing to nip it in the bud I would be seriously asking him if he was enjoying the attention.

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