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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish she would just back off?!

224 replies

OneDoneOneBun · 31/05/2015 11:06

DP and I have lived in our new house a little over a year, we have a 9 month old and I'm 10 weeks pregnant with our second.
We are very friendly with the family who live 3 doors up but it's become increasingly clear that their daughter fancies DP, she constantly flirts with him, If he goes outside to chat to her stepdad she comes out straight away and flirts the whole time. She posted a dub smash video to his FB wall a few weeks ago of herself asking him "do you think I'm cute, yes or no" pouting with very little clothes on and just silly things like that all the time. They've been on holiday for a week and are due back today, she inboxed DP last night asking "are you missing me? With kissy heart faces ð???. Maybe i'm just being over sensitive as i'm really hormonal at the moment so that's obviously not helping but it's really getting to me. I said to DP in bed last night that it's clear she fancies him and he said "yeah I think so too but I don't think about it, it's only a teenage thing and it'll pass" ... Well wether it's a teenage thing or not she's hardly 13, she's 17 and is old enough to know what she's doing, plus she has a boyfriend! I feel like I'm in an awkward situation cos I'm getting really pissed off about it but I feel like I can't say anything because we're so friendly with the family and I don't wanna fall out with them

OP posts:

diddl · 01/06/2015 08:45

"for her to say he tried it on with her,"

Especially as the stepfather has seen her flirting & presumably OPs partner not discouraging it!

Even if he thinks that you are wrong OP, he shouldn't just dismiss how you feel.

Yes he can ignore her.

Replying to her isn't taking no notice!

ohtheholidays · 01/06/2015 08:45

I think your DP is the problem here,he's 30 so plenty old enough to know better.

He needs to remove her from his FB now and if she flirts with him in public from now on he needs to tell her he doesn't like it!

I bet it would be a different story if a 17 year old lad was acting like that around you and you let it carry on!

londonrach · 01/06/2015 08:48

What dh doing or think about this.defriend on fb.mention to her parents.

ttc2015 · 01/06/2015 08:48

He is ddisrespectful to you and

gamerchick · 01/06/2015 08:52

There you are then, he likes the attention more than he likes you being comfortable.

When I was 17 my now husband was 29 and we had a mint relationship so matter what he says I could see it happening.

Even if he's just enjoying a bit of flattery it'll feel a bit more consuming for her if she has a huge crush on him.
I'm not really sure what you can do.. If you make it an issue it'll make waves and I don't know many 17 year olds would not see it as a triumph rather than feel bad.

ttc2015 · 01/06/2015 08:54

He is disrespectful to you op and blatantly enjoying the attention. Of course he can ignore and restrict her. He's polite but withdrawn when he sees her. He will become known as the old perv, just as the guy down our street did. He strutted around pretending not to enjoy the attention from one if the desperate girls and thought we all had to fancy him. Actually we all laughed at him and had that nickname.

That will be your husband and when she's older and realises she will see him that way too as my friend did.

Her parents are stupid, probably the type to be 'friends' not parents.

ttc2015 · 01/06/2015 08:56

And he wasn't old perv because of age difference but because he was married!

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 01/06/2015 08:56

He doesnt want to end this
Fucker.

Wristy · 01/06/2015 08:59

That about says it all really.

Did he use the word 'banter' yet? He's enjoying the attention, and she's probably enjoying it too.

Well here's hoping it passes soon, but it won't as he's actively encouraging it. He doesn't have to ignore her, he just has to make it obvious he sees her as a silly little girl: 'how's school? I can barely remember being a kid that young!!' It sounds as if he won't though.

You on the other hand has to just suck it up and 'get over it' - lovely! Would he be happy to do that if the shoe was on the other foot?

Take care xx

tictactoad · 01/06/2015 09:10

Y'all live three doors away from each other. Why do any of you need to be on each other's FB in the first place?!

This kind of arsery and angst is why I don't have FB but if I did you can be damn sure I wouldn't have a 17 year old on it. Your husband needs to delete her and concentrate on more appropriate friendships.

HoldYerWhist · 01/06/2015 09:13

He's enjoying it, obviously.

Nice that his 'harmless banter' is more important than you feeling happy and secure in your relationship...

LadyCuntingtonThe3rd · 01/06/2015 09:18

Okay, so he IS enjoying it then.
Can you try and stop communicating with the whole family? Not suddenly, but every time they invite you over, find something else to do or just "I'm really tired" attitude. The same if they will come over. Of course fo that you need to get your DP on board.
I also can't help but see major problems with the whole situation. Soon you'll have another baby and will be tired all the time. Will he not resort to second best? She is local, young and clearly wouldn't mind to get him in bed. And he might just give away to the temptation.

However, the scenario might be different - when baby is here, she will see your DP with the baby cooing over him(her?) and kinda realise that oh wow. He is a father.

Anyway, I would insist that he has to block her from fb and stop talking to her other than when her parents are around.

NameChange30 · 01/06/2015 09:20

Just read your update OP, not good at all. Sorry! I would be fuming. Even if he disagrees with you he should be respecting how you feel, not minimising and telling you to "get over it". He is definitely enjoying the attention. Bastard

WhoNickedMyName · 01/06/2015 09:37

there you go.

flirting and flattery from a 17 year old is more important to him than his pregnant partners feelings of upset and insecurity.

he's loving it, isn't he, and has no intention of discouraging her.

with a bit of luck he'll get bored of it and stop at some point, because I promise you one thing, she won't.

noodle8000 · 01/06/2015 09:42

If we were in this situation we would both FB unfriend the whole family and then stop chatting with them outside. Lots of people don't even talk to their neighbors so it would be fine. That would give her time to move on to something else. I'd hesitate to say anything to them because it sounds like the parent have both witnessed her inappropriate behavior and haven't put a stop to it so they may not be very reasonable to speak with.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/06/2015 09:44

Yes he's a knob op. He quite likes it, tbh, and doesn't seem to care or respect you. Any decent partner would not do this. She is almost an adult, that flirting could extend to something deeper, it can, he does not want to stop it. Sorry I would seriously consider my future with a man like this.

badbaldingballerina123 · 01/06/2015 12:03

Why are you friends with this family ? They all sound strange.

Owllady · 01/06/2015 12:11

Can't you just delete the whole family off Facebook?
You are friends with them and they live two doors away. I don't think you need them on Facebook do you? Surely if you want to talk to them or see them then it's quite easy to go

smellyfishead · 01/06/2015 12:12

Im glad your latest post says your v p8ssed off, when I read this yesterday I thought omg she cant see the seriousness of this, but I think you can now.

In your shoes I would be asking your dh to remove her from facebook OR as others have said edit his settings so he has to approve all posts- but bearing in mind that wont stop her PMing him. I would want him to delete her off facebook and if the question is asked why, just say he no longer wants under 18s on there or something. if your husband doesn't agree or like it, id personally be giving him an ultimatum, your wife or your young neighbour??

It is not acceptable for a married man to be conversing with a young girl in the way he is. he needs to stop all communication with her now before she starts pulling even wilder stunts, if not nipped in the bud now this could turn into something you really don't want and ruin your life and marriage.

Ive seen a situation like this in real life and after a year or so the young girl slept with the husband- just after the wife had had a new baby please don't let this be you....

CrapBag · 01/06/2015 12:14

Oh dear.

His responses back to her were bad enough. Blatant flirting/banter back.

His response to you is awful and rings alarm bells for me. He is really enjoying it and completely making out that you are the U one when you are not.

I was abused at 15 by a 35 year old, looking back he did groom me I think (still not completely sure). I later fou do out that his marriage actually ended years later, when he got a 17 year old pregnant. I'd never assume that the older person was on, do enough to know better. (Not saying goes your DP is an abuser bow, just pointing out that some men do like younger girls and he is clearly flattered by the attention which I find very worrying).

I can imagine my DH ever responding to anything like this.

badbaldingballerina123 · 01/06/2015 13:07

Op you really need to step back from this friendship with the neighbours. Teenage dd is odd and her parents lack boundrys. You said yourself the mum isn't someone you'd want to fall out with. Being matey with neighbours is great when everyone's getting on. It's a nightmare when you fall out and there's bad feeling on your doorstep every day.

If my Dh was engaging this shit with a teenager he would be living somewhere else. And he IS encouraging it. He's old enough to know better.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/06/2015 13:53

Mabey he likes it and wants something to happen. Any decent man would ignore her and delete and block her on Facebook. I woukd be quite concerned op.

ApeMan · 01/06/2015 14:03

I would cut the young woman off (I wouldn't actually have her on facebook at all, and the exchanges are beneath the dignity of a married man and father imo), but the problem is that it is really up to him to do it. I've got to level with you here, I think he's totally open to her from what you've described. I wouldn't necessarily see bedazzlement as an unusual thing for a man approached by an attractive younger woman, even one who loves his wife, but he is playing a game which can have no good end.

Expecting you to put your foot down demeans you, it makes you seem petty and jealous and it could exacerbate the problem, but it may end up being the only course of action you can take.

One thing though, please do not lower yourself to sounding jealous or acting like you consider her a credible threat when you address it. There is more than enough to say about embarrassment, his personal respectability and behaving like a responsible adult around young people, and that way you can properly insist.

DuelingFanjo · 01/06/2015 14:06

He can ignore her but practically what he can do is adjust his Facebook settings so she is unable to post things to his wall. Also he can do a tag review thing which means he will have to approve everything she tries to tag.

any1forspareribs · 01/06/2015 14:09

I think you need to look at why he is willing to continue to do something that clearly upsets you - regardless what it is.

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