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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wish she would just back off?!

224 replies

OneDoneOneBun · 31/05/2015 11:06

DP and I have lived in our new house a little over a year, we have a 9 month old and I'm 10 weeks pregnant with our second.
We are very friendly with the family who live 3 doors up but it's become increasingly clear that their daughter fancies DP, she constantly flirts with him, If he goes outside to chat to her stepdad she comes out straight away and flirts the whole time. She posted a dub smash video to his FB wall a few weeks ago of herself asking him "do you think I'm cute, yes or no" pouting with very little clothes on and just silly things like that all the time. They've been on holiday for a week and are due back today, she inboxed DP last night asking "are you missing me? With kissy heart faces ð???. Maybe i'm just being over sensitive as i'm really hormonal at the moment so that's obviously not helping but it's really getting to me. I said to DP in bed last night that it's clear she fancies him and he said "yeah I think so too but I don't think about it, it's only a teenage thing and it'll pass" ... Well wether it's a teenage thing or not she's hardly 13, she's 17 and is old enough to know what she's doing, plus she has a boyfriend! I feel like I'm in an awkward situation cos I'm getting really pissed off about it but I feel like I can't say anything because we're so friendly with the family and I don't wanna fall out with them Hmm

OP posts:
Preciousbane · 04/06/2015 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OneDoneOneBun · 04/06/2015 18:28

We're texting because he's outside fixing his van and i'm sorting the baby out ready for bed. He just text me "why can't you see you're overreacting, she's a 16 year old girl (she's 17 though) who came out for a chat just like neighbours do"

OP posts:
CaptainHammer · 04/06/2015 18:30

Even if there is nothing going on and it's all innocent, he should still understand how this is bothering you! He should be reassuring you not making you feel worse!

holdonaminute · 04/06/2015 18:34

Why didn't the mum and dad come out for a chat if they are just doing what neighbours do?

OneDoneOneBun · 04/06/2015 18:34

He doesn't seem to care about my feelings one bit and it really hurts, I thought he was better than that Sad

OP posts:
ThisTimeIAmMagic · 04/06/2015 18:34

Your DP is a turd and loving the attention. Next thing he'll be having cosy chats with her:
Dp:'You got me in trouble with the missus.'
Teen:'No way!'
Both: ha ha ha.
Dp:Better not post on my wall the missus is pregnant and mental.
Teen: Ok
Dp:knows she can PM and he will have the excuse that he didn't want to upset you.
Hmm

ttc2015 · 04/06/2015 18:38

Your DH is the problem here OP. I don't know what to suggest aside from telling him honestly how this makes you all feel. If he dismisses it and makes you out to be wrong again then you have to ask yourself...is this going to get any better when he's loving it so much?

pluCaChange · 04/06/2015 18:39

Of course he can tell her to shove off! After all, he "takes the piss", doesn't he?

ttc2015 · 04/06/2015 18:41

I wonder how he would feel if you started to flirt with younger men op or got yourself a hanger on?

FirstOfficerDouglasRichardson · 04/06/2015 18:42

He's being an arse OP. Sorry.

CloverMcL · 04/06/2015 19:27

YANBU to be pissed off at this. Ask DP to drop her as a FB friend, that's very unlikely to cause a rift between families. If he refuses then I'd suggest that you have a much bigger problem than you currently think.

Sansarya · 04/06/2015 19:46

Seems your DP "can't exactly" do a lot of things. Either he's the most spineless bloke around or he's enjoying the attention.

RiverTam · 04/06/2015 19:51

He's the problem here, though I can't understand why you decided to discuss this via text instead of waiting till you'd finished the baby's bedtime. You both sound pretty childish, tbh.

OneDoneOneBun · 04/06/2015 19:54

The reason I discussed it over text is because it's the only way I get him to discuss anything, if we try to have an adult conversation all he says is "whatever" and storms off upstairs.

He's not saying that "yes your feelings are important but what do you expect me to do, tell her to go away?"

OP posts:
OneDoneOneBun · 04/06/2015 19:55

Now saying*

OP posts:
WhoNickedMyName · 04/06/2015 19:57

Reply "yes that's exactly what I expect you to do".

Nah, actually, don't bother, because he'll come up with a reason why he can't/won't.

He's loving all this.

RiverTam · 04/06/2015 19:58

If the only way you can communicate effectively with your DP is via text, then you have far bigger problems that this girl, she's just the icing on the cake. I'd be making exit plans, tbh.

Sansarya · 04/06/2015 20:05

Yeah, I'm sorry to say it OP but if his reaction to being challenged on anything is to storm upstairs then I don't think he's a keeper.

SylvaniansAtEase · 04/06/2015 20:14

The bottom line is that it's always better to know, than not to know, what someone is really like when the chips are down.

A responsible, reliable, normal adult man when confronted with a youngster flirting and crossing boundaries like this would immediately see how inappropriate the situation was and take the very easy steps needed to remedy it. It would be shut down long before his partner got to notice it. In fact, it wouldn't have even progressed for a second, because the sad fact is that in order for it to get to the stage where the 17 year old is confident in approaching, teasing, posting etc., he would need to respond giving the green light. Jokey replies instead of neutral. Posting back instead of ignoring. Responding, all the cues and signals, we all know EXACTLY what they are. So does she. Not her fault, at 17. His.

You've seen that your partner is not reliable, not sensible, not appropriate, and is in fact a total prick when these particular chips have come down. Why - because he's flattered, I suspect- not accusing him of having any dodgy ideas necessarily. But that makes him thick as pigshit, too - he's getting a cheap thrill and a bit of an ego boost, he KNOWS it - he know you know it too - and he thinks that's worth upsetting you massively, worth revealing himself as a lechy twat who doesn't give a shit about his pregnant partner's feelings, worth undermining how you think about him and worth making himself look an idiot for? What an absolute plank he is.

This isn't trivial at all. He thinks it is. It isn't - not because he might get his end away with the teenage neighbour, but because he's showing you that underneath, he's inappropriate, stupid, thoughtless, and disloyal. Not great qualities. I don't know what you should do right now except tell him how utterly surprised and angry you are to see another side to him, and how it's really making you re-evaluate what kind of a person he really is.

SylvaniansAtEase · 04/06/2015 20:16

Oh and yes, to echo quite a few people on here - it sounds extreme, but on what you've posted here, I would say without hesitation - this one's not a keeper. Really not a keeper at ALL. I'd bet my hat that you'll look back in five years and be able to pinpoint this as one of the Big Red Flags.

Tequilashotfor1 · 04/06/2015 20:47

He is minimising it 'she is 16' when you both know she isn't but to be fair it doesn't really matter. He could have stopped it a while back but hadn't. He is enjoying it.

Ilovechelseaflowershow · 04/06/2015 21:10

not read thread am sure has moved on but thought this was best

I would (you and dh together, in person) have a word with the parents too in a, "is your daughter ok or is she going through a tough time? I'm worried that she doesn't realise how she's coming across" to demonstrate that you have noticed the behaviour and that it's unwanted and that you're concerned for her-pointing out that dh is attached and even if he wasn't, far too old for her

i really feel it needs to be nipped in bud

Ilovechelseaflowershow · 04/06/2015 21:21

He asked me what do I want him to do about it but I never asked him to delete her because it might make things awkward with the family

She is making things awkward this girl and her stupid and idiotic family for not telling her to wind it in ( hate that phrase but suits this) its awful

Would anyone posting here, honestly allow their DD to do this? I would be playing merry hell.

Its spiralling out of control and its not funny or light hearted.

your seriously putting your whole family at risk here, when you are pregnant because you don't want to upset this random family you have got a bit friendly with!

what about a relationship break down and a broken family?

Your DP sounds like a immature arse.

you need to stop whinging and moaning and start being very clear about your boundaries with no negotiation.

*darling, it was a joke at first but now its out of hand, I would never have behaved like this and whilst your ego is being stroked the whole situation is inappropriate esp the level of her flirting, we are both going round there to talk to the family and make it clear its not a joke anymore, is she ill, mad or what. if however you feel you want to carry this on, with her, then I am leaving you.

Ilovechelseaflowershow · 04/06/2015 21:23

A responsible, reliable, normal adult man when confronted with a youngster flirting and crossing boundaries like this would immediately see how inappropriate the situation was and take the very easy steps needed to remedy it

I disagree with this, some people are shy and dont like confrontation.

you need to be clear with him and not mess round.

ttc2015 · 04/06/2015 21:26

Ilovechelseaflowershow The parents think it's funny and encourage it.

If he thought your feelings were important, especially your stress levels while carrying his baby, then he'd do something about it. Of course he can walk away, he can be civil but disinterested. He loves the attention. Sad man.