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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wish she would just back off?!

224 replies

OneDoneOneBun · 31/05/2015 11:06

DP and I have lived in our new house a little over a year, we have a 9 month old and I'm 10 weeks pregnant with our second.
We are very friendly with the family who live 3 doors up but it's become increasingly clear that their daughter fancies DP, she constantly flirts with him, If he goes outside to chat to her stepdad she comes out straight away and flirts the whole time. She posted a dub smash video to his FB wall a few weeks ago of herself asking him "do you think I'm cute, yes or no" pouting with very little clothes on and just silly things like that all the time. They've been on holiday for a week and are due back today, she inboxed DP last night asking "are you missing me? With kissy heart faces ð???. Maybe i'm just being over sensitive as i'm really hormonal at the moment so that's obviously not helping but it's really getting to me. I said to DP in bed last night that it's clear she fancies him and he said "yeah I think so too but I don't think about it, it's only a teenage thing and it'll pass" ... Well wether it's a teenage thing or not she's hardly 13, she's 17 and is old enough to know what she's doing, plus she has a boyfriend! I feel like I'm in an awkward situation cos I'm getting really pissed off about it but I feel like I can't say anything because we're so friendly with the family and I don't wanna fall out with them Hmm

OP posts:
PurpleCrazyHorse · 31/05/2015 18:49

He is encouraging her by replying to any sort of text or FB message/post. He needs to ignore her completely and be very careful what he says if he sees her out and about. Any sort of response will encourage her to contact more, she'll spend a load of time analysing his responses and probably fantasying about him.

He definitely needs to look at his FB privacy settings and force all tags of him to be approved by him first. It's a pain but until she moves on to someone else, he needs to man up and be the 30yo married man that he is.

I'd be pretty annoyed with DH if he didn't do this. It's actually not fair on the girl to lead her on (which I do think he's doing, even innocently) by responding to her.

I also don't think she'll just go away if he keeps indulging her, you're going to be 30+ weeks pregnant, feeling rubbish and they'll still be a load of stuff on FB from her, it's only going to p* you off even more as you get more pregnant, tired and emotional.

CombineBananaFister · 31/05/2015 18:52

If you don't want any awkward confrontations I'd just get your DP to change his timeline settings so that on the surface it looks like you're still friends but she won't be able to actually post anything to him - he doesn't have to respond then.

Personally I think he would be right to confront them about it's inappropriateness, if I were her mum and she was flirting with a married family friend I'd be mortified and tell her so, 17 or not. She sounds a spoilt silly, self-indulged, girl who needs calling out on her behaviour.

pluCaChange · 31/05/2015 19:47

Her mother can't dictate how people react to her daughter. If she's that kind of person, maybe she's a neighbour worth falling out with?

ttc2015 · 31/05/2015 20:04

He is encouraging her but joking, she will see flirting. He needs to restrict her so she can't tag him in anything without his approval and ignore all her pm.

He should do this out of respect for you, to let her down and set a boundary and to protect himself from being viewed as that dirty old perv who chats up teenage girls.

Original poster
OneDoneOneBun · 31/05/2015 20:05

They've just got back from holidays and brought us a present too, even more awkward to say anything now

OP posts:
Royalsighness · 31/05/2015 20:09

Your husband needs to tell her to fuck off really? Surely? Why is he not doing this? I would have chased her off months ago, stop being taken for a mug by a little girl ffs.

Kundry · 31/05/2015 20:10

Your DP needs to realise his jokey responses were flirty and massively encouraging to her.

He should be ignoring her and changing his FB settings.

XiCi · 31/05/2015 20:27

FFS have you not read the responses?
You don't need to speak to the mother or offend the daughter, just tell your husband to stop encouraging her and it will most likely stop.

Original poster
OneDoneOneBun · 31/05/2015 20:39

Urm yes I have thank you

OP posts:
Sansarya · 31/05/2015 20:51

Then FGS say something to him instead of dithering about whether you should or shouldn't tell her mother! He's being very silly and needs to nip this in the bud.

worksallhours · 31/05/2015 20:54

Op, your DH really needs to nip this in the bud asap as it is one of those things that could turn nasty. All it needs is for this girl to feel upset or offended or embarrassed about something in the circumstances and she could get vindictive. You don't want your DH to be on the blunt end of some made-up accusation.

She has already gone too far with the video on his facebook page and the over-intimate private message. These, to me, are alarm bells; she is trying to get some sort of reaction out of him and she is using the language of sexual attraction to do it.

The situation needs shutting down immediately.

DizzyDaffodil · 31/05/2015 21:00

You need to talk to her parents and he should not have her on his FB. I set FB so I have to verify anything that anybody wants to post on my wall and then nothing inappropriate could be posted even if anybody i knew was daft enough to.

Jen1610 · 31/05/2015 21:14

Had a similar situation and the first pm my husband got he showed me before he then of his own initiative deleted and blocked HIS FRIENDS DAUGHTER so more awkward than just a neighbour and completely ignores her when he sees her. Nothing else ever came of it.

I'd be inclined to tell your husband to do the same. This is just silly.

Theycallmemellowjello · 31/05/2015 21:17

For me the problem here is not the girl (teenagers have crushes and behave in appropriately all the time) but your dp. He should have dealt with this ages ago. Why does he have her on fb?? Why does he speak to her at all? This would really trouble me.

MrsNextDoor · 31/05/2015 21:26

The MOthers comment would be enough to tell me that I should not have anything to do with these people. OP all the warnings are there....ditch the lot of them. I would!

YsabellStoHelit · 31/05/2015 21:33

I would (you and dh together, in person) have a word with the parents too in a, "is your daughter ok or is she going through a tough time? I'm worried that she doesn't realise how she's coming across" to demonstrate that you have noticed the behaviour and that it's unwanted and that you're concerned for her-pointing out that dh is attached and even if he wasn't, far too old for her. I would hope that would get the message across and embarrass her enough to stop. And keep a united front so they can't dismiss you as being overprotective and insecure

This, just do this. Polite but gets the point accross and then the mum can decide how to handle it so you aren't embarrasing the daughter.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/05/2015 21:36

Why is your dp Facebook friends with her? Very strange. I would have a word with her mum. Your DP should be setting her straight.

Spadequeen · 31/05/2015 21:37

The responses your dp has given will fuel her crush, she will see that as him being flirty not a brush off.

He needs to not respond at all, to her or her mother. For all you know, the mother might approve and be encouraging her!

Have you seen the film The Crush with Alicia Silvestone? Extreme, I know.

Justusemyname · 31/05/2015 21:39

This is all so pathetic.

You're scared of a neighbour. Your partner is loving having a teenager drool over him. Why are you worried about upsetting them when they are loving the dramas they are causing?

Aeroflotgirl · 31/05/2015 21:41

He should be doing nothing, but deleting and blocking her, and ignoring her. Sounds like he's quite enjoying it all.

no73 · 31/05/2015 21:43

You do realise his responses to her were flirtatious don't you? You may trust him but from outside perspective of what you have said he is lapping up the attention, doing nothing to discourage and in fact his responses are further encouraging the attention.

I am fully expecting a thread in a few months time about how your partner has been having an affair with the 17 year old neighbour.

AdeleDazeem · 31/05/2015 21:57

Well 1D1B, your DP is probably right when he says that it's just a silly teenage crush that will quickly pass. But he's missing the (crucial) bit where you don't engage with and encourage the crush! For the fire to burn itself out you have to not fan the flame.

I agree with PPs that his responses are encouraging, whether that's his intention or not, she will see it as encouragement.

''Dya miss me x?" And he responded with "Yes"?!! No! Maybe in his eyes saying "Who else will I make fun of?" is a rebuke but she could have read that response as "we have a laugh together" "we have fun together" "there's no-one else I can have a laugh with like I can with you"

If he felt he had to respond it should have been asking the lines of "Oh of course OneDoneOneBun and I did miss you little (neighbourgirlname). All the best for school/exams/typical teenage activity. Tell (stepdadname) to drop around for a beer/coffee/game of poker."

With a reply like that he is a) mentioning you and presenting the two of you as a team and a united front. Also, b) adding 'little' before her name relegates her to child status, she's not his equal, his peer, she's a little girl in his eyes. This is also achieved by c) referring to school or a teenage activity. He's reinforcing the difference between where he is in life (partner, soon to be father of two) and the stage of life where she is. Then finish off by d) reminding the girl that it's her stepdad who is his friend, or at least his social equal, rather than her.

If he responds to her at all he should be aiming to reinforce the idea that he sees her as a child and isn't interested in her in any kind of adult way, friendly or anything else.

pluCaChange · 01/06/2015 07:45

Your DP really needs to toughen up before you have teenagers of your own. Confused Even toddlers will sense his lack of authority and make his life hell! Grin

Original poster
OneDoneOneBun · 01/06/2015 08:36

I've spoken to him about it this morning and told him his replies are encouraging and that he should be nipping it in the bud etc, he thinks that my opinion is wrong and that I'm massively over reacting and that I should "get over it" because I'm reading too much in to it and that she's just a child and it will pass soon, i said it won't pass if you keep encouraging it and you're obviously enjoying it, he said "I can't exactly ignore her" and "I don't take any notice" and he doesn't see why it has to be made an issue. I'm majorly fucked off now.

OP posts:
Sansarya · 01/06/2015 08:41

What a complete arse! Yes he can bloody well ignore her. It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen - all it would take was one drunken misunderstanding for her to say he tried it on with her, and her family don't exactly sound like the sensitive and understanding sort.

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