AIBU in expecting her care costs to be paid from her income

[itdoesnthavetobethisway]

Hi, I am a long time lurker, infrequent poster, especially after the security thing. I have posted on AIBU because of the traffic but am probably in the wrong place. I am a bit at my wits end.

My mother has been living with me and my family DP, DSs (7 and 2) for 10 years now. I have moved her around the country with me. For most of the time she has been well. 5 years ago she started getting confused and for the last year she has deteriorated badly with episodes of extreme agitation and getting extremely angry with me and DP.

My brother is an accountant. He has been looking after her financial affairs since our father passed away 15 years ago. My mother has an income of around £30,000. She has hardly needed this as I have supported most of her living costs but had used it for shopping trips. As she has become increasingly confused my brother has taken her credit card and PIN and used it at her request or for things she needed to do to sort out her own income.

My brother and I always had a verbal agreement that if she required care, we would use her funds to pay for this. In the mean time, I suspect he has been using her income for his own purposes.

In the last few weeks, she has deteriorated markedly and has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She is confused all day, agitated and unable to self care. She is now incontinent of urine and faeces.

I work full time in excess of 50 hours and so does my DP. My old nanny is now a family friend and has been visiting my mother and my new nanny has made meals for her, which she eats with the kids. DP works at home 2 days a week and sorts out hospital appointments, daily medication etc.

I have raised the issue of carers with my brother but he is refusing to use her funds to support this. DP and I are not in a position to pay for carers, as our budget is already stretched to the max with childcare requirements.

I don't think I am being unreasonable in asking for her income to be used for her care but I am really stuck about what I can do about it. He holds the purse strings completely and has even declined my request to buy some incontinence knickers, saying I should foot the bill or (when pushed) that we should split the cost. It seems that it's going to be uphill work just getting the basics for her care. I'd appreciate any advice.

If he's found to have misappropriated your mother's money he might even be prosecuted.

Will they definitely Laurie?
In my experience they become very uninterested in self finders

sorry that should say 'that he is refusing to ring fence her income'

They will still need to investigate abuse even if self funding but they may not be as helpful with care provision. You are legally entitled to an assessment though.

Incontinence will fall under medical care, which is not means-tested. The social/medical care division is hideously nuanced and can be a nightmare to navigate, but incontinence should be clear cut.

OP, can I just offer my sympathy, and my voice to those urging you to contact social services on behalf of a vulnerable adult and also a solicitor for advice. Your brother should not be getting away with this behaviour.

Hope you get this sorted OP

They do a complete financial survey of the cared for persons assets. Your brother will have to comply or they will use the powers of the courts etc to make him. If they think he has been using her income for himself they will involve the police.

As someone has said if your mum no longer has capacity you cannot get power of attourney. My son has enduring power of attourney for us which I think turns into lasting Power of Attorney if we lose capacity.

Yo

You do need a solicitor who deals with elderly concerns and you do need social services. When my Mum lived with me I used her pension to pay for her food and toiletries including incontinence wear etc.

Have a look here.
www.gov.uk/report-concern-about-attorney-deputy

Even under the old system, close relatives had to be informed and sign the forms. e.g. when my db and I were p.o.a's for my mother, my dcs had to sign, in a specific order.

Since you haven't been told, I think your db has probably not got a PoA, unless he's forged your signature or fiddled the forms.

Since your dm voluntarily handed over her cards and PIN's, I'm afraid any money he's taken is going to be v difficult to get back, but you can certainly stop him taking any more. Where does her income come from, a pension? You could get in touch with the provider to explain and ask them to put a stop on it, until the matter is resolved.

Also are you claiming Carer's allowance and is your Mum claiming Attendance allowance. Go on the Age Concern web site there is a lot of info on all sorts of aspects of caring

www.ageuk.org.uk/

Speak to age UK. They will probably recommend what to do/suitable solicitor if you don't have one. You need to get onto social services as well and get a financial assessment done. Keep all receipts for any expenses including food, toiletries, clothes and care etc. Social services may recommend an advocate for your dm.
My DM was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 8 years ago. It has been hard enough dealing with that let alone the issues you have with your brother. Good luck op

Yes op your mum should be claiming higher rate attendance allowance but it may not be worth you claiming carers allowance as I think it is taxable.

She is being financially abused. I worked for SS and we took that VERY seriously. Report immediately.

I'm shocked for you op.

I really hope you are able to resolve this based on the replies you have been given. Social services will be able to help too.

Social worker for older adults here. This will be taken seriously and it will be investigated. Sadly, we come across this very often. I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation. Please do not blame yourself for not acting sooner.

On your local council's website, they will have a generic tel number for adult social care. Ring first thing on Monday morning and they will guide you through what needs to happen. I'd do this before you seek legal advice. Adult social care may very well get the police involved.

The law for adult care changed in April 2015, even though she is above the threshold for finances, there is a duty to offer support and advice for self funders. Regardless, there is a possible safeguarding issue which they will deal with.

You should be offered one anyway but ask for a carers assessment too. Through this, you should be able to access support so that you can get a break from your caring role.

Good luck!

I honestly would be calling the police, he is stealing and witholding her own money.

Has she got capital over £23250? Her income may not make her a self funder depending on the cost of her care.
Either way, ss will have a duty to investigate a safeguarding concern and I think you should also inform the police and contact the court of protection as well. I work for ss finance.

Definitely get in touch with social services. This is disgusting behaviour from your brother.

She probably has a private pension and no power of attorney and is not too ill for one so unless you want to involve the court of protection you will just have to reach agreement with the brother if the council will not provide the care. Alternative dump mother on her son and leave him to get on with it! Sounds like the next 10 years should be his responsibility.

You won't get carer's allowance of you are earning over £100 week or working more than very part time hours.

If she still has capacity get a LPA now. If not she will need a deputy for financial affairs - one can be appointed (don't bother trying for health & social care deputyships they can be easily overridden & are hardly ever granted).

Definitely see a solicitor asap.

Get an application in for attendance allowance ASAP, it is not means tested, her other income will not affect this. Contact Age Concern for support and advise on how to go about dealing with brother.

www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance/overview

Aw your poor mum, glad she doesn't realise what a slime ball he's been. You need to seek legal help fast, as your brother probably realises the pot will be disappearing and might take drastic action to protect it.

This might help

www.gov.uk/become-deputy/overview

Thank you, I am overwhelmed and grateful for your responses.

I don't think it's accurate to frame this as a simple case of theft. While she was competent DM was fully in consent of my brother using her income to supplement his own - the majority of the money has gone on my nephew anyway and I am happy with that. The only thing that has changed is that she is now in dire need of (at least some) of her income for herself. What makes this more difficult is that in her more lucid moments DM still wants this arrangement to continue - although of course she's still not in a fit state to evaluate what she needs for herself.

My brother is reluctant to change the status quo as he does have long term financial commitments with this money, and by this point he really does see it as his own by right. He's saying that if her income is instead used to pay for her care it will effectively be him paying for all of it. From my point of view his logic is a bit twisted, but I do at least understand where it has come from.

I do have concerns that SS in this area will leave everything up to us if she is self funding. I am finding the distinction between social and medical care difficult to navigate, especially with her recent diagnosis of Alzhiemer's. With the cap of £23,000, would this mean that all of her income would be garnished, or just the amount in excess of this threshold?

We're not claiming any sort of carer's allowance at the moment - until recently she's pretty much cared for herself (bathing toileting etc.) so it's just been preparing meals/cups of tea etc. The deterioration to her current state has really been quite rapid.

I will make a start by contacting SS on Monday and make an appointment with a solicitor for the guardianship process.

Is you brother in charge of your Mum's income because you father's will left the money in trust for her to be managed by your brother? Your father's will will stipulate the terms of that trust and probably that the money was used for your mother's benefit.

I would (using your own solicitor) obtain a copy of your father's will and the terms of the trust and any Deed of Variation. It will no doubt clearly state the purpose of your mother's investments.

the Care Act 2014 means that even if you are self funding the local authority should provide an assessment, access to independent financial advice and from next year should provide a service where you can 'cap' the costs of residential care.

As a carer you are also entitled to a carers assessment and potentially a small pot of money of your own from the local authority to support you with your caring role.

I would put a referral in to social services asap because as a result of this change in the law there are significant waiting lists for non urgent assessments