AIBU in expecting her care costs to be paid from her income

[itdoesnthavetobethisway]

Hi, I am a long time lurker, infrequent poster, especially after the security thing. I have posted on AIBU because of the traffic but am probably in the wrong place. I am a bit at my wits end.

My mother has been living with me and my family DP, DSs (7 and 2) for 10 years now. I have moved her around the country with me. For most of the time she has been well. 5 years ago she started getting confused and for the last year she has deteriorated badly with episodes of extreme agitation and getting extremely angry with me and DP.

My brother is an accountant. He has been looking after her financial affairs since our father passed away 15 years ago. My mother has an income of around £30,000. She has hardly needed this as I have supported most of her living costs but had used it for shopping trips. As she has become increasingly confused my brother has taken her credit card and PIN and used it at her request or for things she needed to do to sort out her own income.

My brother and I always had a verbal agreement that if she required care, we would use her funds to pay for this. In the mean time, I suspect he has been using her income for his own purposes.

In the last few weeks, she has deteriorated markedly and has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She is confused all day, agitated and unable to self care. She is now incontinent of urine and faeces.

I work full time in excess of 50 hours and so does my DP. My old nanny is now a family friend and has been visiting my mother and my new nanny has made meals for her, which she eats with the kids. DP works at home 2 days a week and sorts out hospital appointments, daily medication etc.

I have raised the issue of carers with my brother but he is refusing to use her funds to support this. DP and I are not in a position to pay for carers, as our budget is already stretched to the max with childcare requirements.

I don't think I am being unreasonable in asking for her income to be used for her care but I am really stuck about what I can do about it. He holds the purse strings completely and has even declined my request to buy some incontinence knickers, saying I should foot the bill or (when pushed) that we should split the cost. It seems that it's going to be uphill work just getting the basics for her care. I'd appreciate any advice.

[chairmeoh]

Before you commit to your former nanny coming in to help, make sure it is very clear that the bills are to be sent directly to your DB and he will be paying.

As to the rest, wow! He's a shitty shit. His DW is keeping low because she doubtless knows how much she's gained from your good nature over the past 10 years.

For your DMs sake (although she appears to have been complicit in the financial abuse you have been subjected to), you must fully disclose to her GP, solicitor,SS, safeguarding team to name but a few.

[jacks11]

I'm not a solicitor, but do have to deal with these problems occasionally (Dr). Prepperpig is right- now your mum has Alzheimer's which sounds serious enough to affect her capacity and make her unable to make decisions for herself, she will not be able to agree to giving your brother (or anybody else) PoA. This means the only option would be guardianship, which is awarded by the court.

I agree that you need to see a solicitor urgently- this needs sorted out so that all parties know where they stand and, more importantly, your mum's best interests are safeguarded.

If your brother won't agree to use her funds to pay for her care and other needs (clothes, toiletries) then he is not acting in her best interests and I imagine social services (who are usually involved when a guardianship request is being made) would take a very dim view of it.

[Handsoffmysweets]

Morning OP, I've had a chance to read a few more posts and it looks like you've had some great advice from PP. One thing I would be careful of before involving solicitors, emailing him etc is providing him with too much info. Is there a chance that if your brother thinks his access to funds may be limited that he will transfer the whole lot out of the accounts and into his own name? It's just a thought, but perhaps before you get the ball rolling with formal arrangements, you should cut his access to your mothers accounts via the bank. As I mentioned in my pp unfortunately previous experience has shown me that in some cases when relatives think they are about to be caught, they tend to go into panic mode and drain the account to ensure they still have access to funds.

[Thymeout]

Handsoff - I agree, but think the OP might find it difficult to get the bank to take action without some sort of legal backing. Is the Alzheimer's diagnosis in writing?

As things stand, her dm voluntarily handed over the management of her account to her ds. She wanted him to use her money to pay for her dg's fees. OP says that if she were asked, in a lucid moment, she would say she wanted the arrangement to continue. As far as the bank is concerned, she has no legal status over her dm's finances. It would be better coming from a solicitor.

So solicitor first. And asap. They can advise on further steps. I think, since OP and her DP have been dealing with medical matters, they now have a duty to disclose the dementia diagnosis to officials involved with her mother, which would include the bank.

Was the diagnosis made by her GP? It might be a good idea to inform him that you are consulting a solicitor about dm's capacity.

[ApeMan]

Contact a solicitor.

There is no way any person is has her best interests at heart when they will deny her basic personal hygiene and comfort related items from their own money.

It is an affront to rights and dignity.

[ApeMan]

*There is no way any person has your mother's best interests at heart when they will deny her basic personal hygiene and comfort related items from her own money.

• sorry that's what happens when you decide to change nouns and pronouns and aren't paying sufficient attention.

[Handsoffmysweets]

Sorry if my post was a bit confusing Thyme. I meant OP taking her mother to the bank to cancel cards/PINs/any other form of access to the account that her brother may have created. This is something the bank would do providing OP took her mother with her as the account holder is present. Any COP does of course need to go through the correct legal channels first.