AIBU in expecting her care costs to be paid from her income

[itdoesnthavetobethisway]

Hi, I am a long time lurker, infrequent poster, especially after the security thing. I have posted on AIBU because of the traffic but am probably in the wrong place. I am a bit at my wits end.

My mother has been living with me and my family DP, DSs (7 and 2) for 10 years now. I have moved her around the country with me. For most of the time she has been well. 5 years ago she started getting confused and for the last year she has deteriorated badly with episodes of extreme agitation and getting extremely angry with me and DP.

My brother is an accountant. He has been looking after her financial affairs since our father passed away 15 years ago. My mother has an income of around £30,000. She has hardly needed this as I have supported most of her living costs but had used it for shopping trips. As she has become increasingly confused my brother has taken her credit card and PIN and used it at her request or for things she needed to do to sort out her own income.

My brother and I always had a verbal agreement that if she required care, we would use her funds to pay for this. In the mean time, I suspect he has been using her income for his own purposes.

In the last few weeks, she has deteriorated markedly and has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She is confused all day, agitated and unable to self care. She is now incontinent of urine and faeces.

I work full time in excess of 50 hours and so does my DP. My old nanny is now a family friend and has been visiting my mother and my new nanny has made meals for her, which she eats with the kids. DP works at home 2 days a week and sorts out hospital appointments, daily medication etc.

I have raised the issue of carers with my brother but he is refusing to use her funds to support this. DP and I are not in a position to pay for carers, as our budget is already stretched to the max with childcare requirements.

I don't think I am being unreasonable in asking for her income to be used for her care but I am really stuck about what I can do about it. He holds the purse strings completely and has even declined my request to buy some incontinence knickers, saying I should foot the bill or (when pushed) that we should split the cost. It seems that it's going to be uphill work just getting the basics for her care. I'd appreciate any advice.

[zipzap]

Blimey.

Definitely sounds suspect. he shouldn't be quibbling about anything that you say she needs, especially things like incontinence pants. If you'd said she needed a crate of champagne then it would be one thing to say no but basic personal care requirements - refusing to buy these suggests that maybe he really doesn't haven't much money left in the account.

Definitely report him - he is an accountant so knows he should be keeping records of where the money has gone and that he shouldn't be filtering money off for himself. Even if he decided to give himself a £1000 Christmas or birthday present from it, unless you were getting the same it would be very suspicious; doubly so as he doesn't have to pay her everyday costs like you do.

If he has been filtering her money off then it could have big repercussions on his job which is no reason not to report him and get proper care for your mum with her own money. Serve him right.

If your

[itdoesnthavetobethisway]

Thank you for all the links.

DM does have capital over £23000. The income is from property she has had for over 30 years and a small state pension.

I have spoken to a mum friend at school with a legal background. She is going to find a recommended solicitor for me.

I will contact Age concern and SS on Monday.

[SilverBirch2015]

Your mother's income will NOT be taken into account when assessing for attendance allowance:

www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance/overview

It will be back dated to the day you phone up for an application form. If she needs help, support, and supervision at night (even by you) she should qualify for £85 per week.

It sounds like your brother is using your Mum's income for school fees, with the agreement of your Mum. It sounds tough. There may be ways around this in terms of qualifying for help with other social care, talk to a solicitor still.

[SugarPlumTree]

Do you know what her full financial position is with your Brother having been in charge ? In theory with you covering her living expenses and the size of her pension she should have a fair bit saved in theory, but is this the case?

Along with everyone ls I am shocked at his behaviour.

[cheminotte]

I was wondering if it was school fees as well.

[SugarPlumTree]

Apologies, didn't see your last post.

[kickassangel]

You may well find that some of the charities would not only give practical support, but some emotional help as well.THis must be quite distressing for you, and you obviously care for your mum quite deeply. Your brother, no matter what his commitments or his son's needs/wants, really shouldn't be putting those ahead of your mum's needs right now. When did he last see her? Does he realize how much help she needs, or is he being (willfully) blind to them?

It's a good point that as an accountant his career could be impacted. I do think you need to be prepared to get tough.It sounds horrific that he quibbled over the cost of some incontinence pants. He should have been offering to buy a plentiful supply and some flowers as well! The wait for assessments can be quite long, so get in touch asap as you need to know what care your mother needs and what is available. I think you should tell him that you are planning to get social services involved, and that they will be contacting him about the money as it is an urgent medical need, which he will be legally required to meet. Leave him to work out what that could mean. (btw, it is illegal for someone to gift more than 3k a year without the recipient paying tax, another very dodgy dealing on his part)

I hate to say it, but you may have to be prepared for some nasty rows with your brother. He is acting despicably. There is no reason for him to be keeping that money for himself and refusing your mother's care.

[zipzap]

Cross posted with your lost recent update so ignore the bits of my post that no longer apply!

However it doesn't matter that he's come to rely on the money as his own. He knew that it was there to look after his mum and if she's had to live with you for years then she's obviously not capable of living on her own and there would be a good chance that she would deteriorate and you wouldn't be able to cope so she would need to move into a home or pay for extra carers.

He should be looking at what he got as a bonus rather than a right.

[bloodyteenagers]

Wow he clearly has done a number on both of you.
He has manipulated your mum to fund his lifestyle and has convinced you it's perfectly normal.
It's not.

It's her money to look after her needs. So what if he looses income. The gravy train has come to a stop and needs to hand over money.

I suspect however there's none left.

Your family are suffering because of this

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I find it pretty repulsive, honestly, that your DB is happy for you to have all the caring responsibilities and for him to have all the income. And, I'm a little confused as to why you aren't more upset about that. Why do you both think this is a normal way to behave? Why doesn't he want to support his mother?

[itdoesnthavetobethisway]

Yes, it is school fees. I didn't say up front as I want to distract attention from the care issues with a debate about whether private schooling is a luxury or a necessity. However I really don't want to be in a position where I am affecting my nephew's education. I know that my mother would probably sacrifice a whole heap for him to continue as is, even if she was with it.

[Sconejamcream]

Is your dm contributing towards the costs of having her? She should be paying towards rent, bills, food etc. if she hasn't then she is quite selfish. Let your brother look after her for a while.

[Bombinate]

You brother will be in a whole load of extra trouble as he's an accountant too. He will get struck off for any financial impropriety even if it's outside work.

[Sconejamcream]

What about all the sacrifices you have made?

[itdoesnthavetobethisway]

He does see her and is aware (and scared) about the rapidity of her deterioration. He has been around today. I asked him to clean her bathroom, which he did.

I am upset that I get the raw deal out of the caring but I have always preferred that to the alternative of my mother being uncared for, or at least not cared for how I would wish. She has been mostly self caring for a long time and it is only now that things are getting out of hand.

[Mrsjayy]

Just what others have said really you need your mothers money to be used properly not by your brother I am sorry but your brother seems a greedy fecker

[bloodyteenagers]

Things change and he should have always planned one day that her care needs would change.

It's not your fault or problem that he is too stupid to make a back up plan that considers one day she would require going into a home, for example.

Quibbling over a need of his
Money train is despicable, he really needs to take a look at himself.
His child's education does not and should not outweigh the needs of others

[bloodyteenagers]

Of course he's scared.
He's scared because he has been spending her money and it's all going to come to a nasty end.

[itdoesnthavetobethisway]

Yes, I do think I have a dysfunctional relationship with my family. It is true to say that my mother has always let me suffer to enhance and support my brother's needs. This was tempered for a long time by my father.

She does contribute towards bills though my brother has never kept up with the payments on her behalf.

[carabos]

Your mother can onky afford to subsidise your nephew's education because she is living with you. At the point where all her money is going to your brother and you have to pay for your mother's care, you may as well pay for the school fees yourself.

It seems that you can't squeeze a quart into a pint pot. It is not possible for your mother to have the care she needs and your nephew to be privately educated. I get that you view it as a tough call, but it isn't, really.

How old is your nephew?

[itdoesnthavetobethisway]

DN is 16 this year. Doing his GCSEs now.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Why is it always those who are given the least who give the most in families. You sound like a lovely person. Now it's time to assert yourself and ask for balance.

[carabos]

Well in that case, your brother can bite the bullet for two more years or the boy can change schools. Neither of those options will kill either of them and privately educated kids often change for A levels.

[itdoesnthavetobethisway]

Mrs Pratchett, your post made me cry. I am not always so wet. I have a good career. I guess everyone always thought I had the broadest shoulders.

[SugarPlumTree]

I feel really feel for you .It's hard enough to deal with Dementia without dysfunctional sibling relationships. My Mother has Dementia and me and my Brother fell out badly over her care. He accused me of financial abuse to SS to try anpriest his way with her care, despite not having seen her for 5 years nd not knowing her needs. It was totally without grounds and SS said they consider I have acted in my Mother's Best Interests at all times but it was horrendous. I took myself off to counselling for a couple of months and it was very helpful in unpicking our family dynamics and me setting my boundaries.

Basically I am pretty sure that with a Dementia diagnosis unless she has enough money to fund school fees and a care home, then your Brother paying school fees from her money will be deemed as Deprivation of Assets and your Brother is potentially in a whole world of trouble. The longer it is left, the worse things will get for him.