AIBU in expecting her care costs to be paid from her income

[itdoesnthavetobethisway]

Hi, I am a long time lurker, infrequent poster, especially after the security thing. I have posted on AIBU because of the traffic but am probably in the wrong place. I am a bit at my wits end.

My mother has been living with me and my family DP, DSs (7 and 2) for 10 years now. I have moved her around the country with me. For most of the time she has been well. 5 years ago she started getting confused and for the last year she has deteriorated badly with episodes of extreme agitation and getting extremely angry with me and DP.

My brother is an accountant. He has been looking after her financial affairs since our father passed away 15 years ago. My mother has an income of around £30,000. She has hardly needed this as I have supported most of her living costs but had used it for shopping trips. As she has become increasingly confused my brother has taken her credit card and PIN and used it at her request or for things she needed to do to sort out her own income.

My brother and I always had a verbal agreement that if she required care, we would use her funds to pay for this. In the mean time, I suspect he has been using her income for his own purposes.

In the last few weeks, she has deteriorated markedly and has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She is confused all day, agitated and unable to self care. She is now incontinent of urine and faeces.

I work full time in excess of 50 hours and so does my DP. My old nanny is now a family friend and has been visiting my mother and my new nanny has made meals for her, which she eats with the kids. DP works at home 2 days a week and sorts out hospital appointments, daily medication etc.

I have raised the issue of carers with my brother but he is refusing to use her funds to support this. DP and I are not in a position to pay for carers, as our budget is already stretched to the max with childcare requirements.

I don't think I am being unreasonable in asking for her income to be used for her care but I am really stuck about what I can do about it. He holds the purse strings completely and has even declined my request to buy some incontinence knickers, saying I should foot the bill or (when pushed) that we should split the cost. It seems that it's going to be uphill work just getting the basics for her care. I'd appreciate any advice.

[QuiteLikely5]

The comment that your brother made was strange.

How on earth can he say he would effectively be paying for her care?

Because yous are all acting together to keep your nephew in private schooling and yes that is your mothers choice, well you said it was when she was of sound mind.

In any case, even if I could understand that do the school fees cost 30k per year?

Refusing money for your mothers pads was a terrible, selfish thing to do.

Your brothers attitude towards the whole thing stinks.

I don't feel as though you want to report him either..........

What does he expect you to do? Continue as you are? Can't he take care of her since he is the one who is denying her proper help........

The time will come when she needs supervision full time, when she is a danger, turning pans on, with no recollection of it and so on.

If you allow it to continue and she has to eventually go into a home the financial set up will be revealed. I would say you are complicit in the whole thing. I would if I was an official investigating.

Watch out for that. Act now or you are taking a big risk.

[drudgetrudy]

Effectively you are paying for your nephew's education. If your brother is preventing your Mum from accessing her own money to meet her care needs he is financially abusing her.
Even if she is self-funding Social Services deal with the Protection of Vulnerable adults and you need to talk to them.

[SilverBirch2015]

I do understand why you didn't mention it and although I would be the first to flame anyone on a topic about private education, I think in this scenario it is totally inappropriate to do so.

The trouble with accountants (and I am qualified as one myself!) is that in family matters they can lose sight of the real people side of decisions they make in favour of the most financially sensible solution.

There are other options available that could provide a solution. Selling your mothers property that generates the main part of her income, would provide a substantial capital sum. Some of this capital could be set aside to pay for the remaining years of your nephew's education. Alternatively your brother could borrow against the value of this asset (or his own property) to pay the school fees. This capital of this loan can then be repaid back when your mum passes away.

There are a number of other financial alternatives as well, unfortunately as your brother is an accountant who has set up the current situation, it is going to be a bit tough arguing this, so a solicitor and maybe a financial advisor will be needed to help you through some tough negotiations. Your brother needs to step-up to his responsibilities towards his mother (who has given his family so much help) to make her final years as comfortable as possible in the circumstances.

[itdoesnthavetobethisway]

I have asked him to borrow on the assets to pay the fees but he is very reluctant to do so. While she is staying with me, he can alleviate his conscience by coming over, but he doesn't have to pick her up off the floor in the middle of the night.

She was angry with me on BH Monday and insisted on going to his house. She become acutely agitated and confused whilst there and he ended up calling us and asking DP to carry her home at 10pm on Tuesday. He went over but couldn't do this against her wishes and ended up calling out of hours GP. DP left and my brother ended up bring her back here at 4am on Weds. She had started hallucinating and seeing snakes in my brother's house and wanted to leave.

She gets lots worse when he is at his house. I am keen to pop her over there, but it will be physically difficult to achieve. Also, DP thinks she will be dead in 2 weeks at his house.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

[itdoesnthavetobethisway]

The thing that makes me most annoyed though, is the fact that she clearly isn't long for this world. Besides the dementia, she has pulmonary HT and is spending pretty much all day in her bedroom, if not her bed.

[drudgetrudy]

Please talk to Social Services-it will be easier coming from them than from you.
This is all going to come to a head if your Mum's health continues to deteriorate and it will be better for everyone if this is dealt with sooner rather than later.
She will definitely qualify for Attendance Allowance-would she set up a new bank account for ts to be paid into.
You probably won't qualify for Carer's allowance.
Going through all this with a very co-operative and trustworthy sibling has been difficult-it must be really awful if your brother either doesn't grasp the situation or is willfully taking advantage.

[ItsRainingInBaltimore]

Ah… I see. The school fees. Well I am afraid they both should have anticipated this and your brother should have had a contingency plan. It is totally unreasonable to expect that this situation could go on indefinitely and for as long as he needed it to, without making allowances for the fact that at any given time your mother would need that money to fund her own care. You have been shafted itdoes and I think if your DB won't see reason then you should be packing up your mother's stuff and driving her to his house.

[drudgetrudy]

PS my Mum has been in terrible health since her early 80s-she is now 95. This may continue for longer than you think.

[SilverBirch2015]

I would start moving forward on assessing what care and support packages could work for you and your direct family. Involve your own GP and local social care support team.

Produce a costed report/summary of the options to present to your brother. Doing nothing is not an option for your own family, caring for your mother in your home with appropriate additional support from carers will be considerably cheaper than residential care.

Don't forget the attendance allowance application!

[SilverBirch2015]

Don't forget to keep a record of the additional costs you are also incurring.

[Mrsjayy]

You poor thing your brother is an entitled spoiled man he probably sees that money as his anyway good luck with the solicitor, my uncle also a greedy fecker bought his Mils council house for her of course just after she was diagnosed with Alzheimers my Aunt mums sister kept it a secret from the family till it was all done and dusted people like that disgust me only out for themselves

[bloodyteenagers]

I cannot find a nicer way to express so, for which I am truly sorry.

Regardless of whether he likes it or not, he is going to have to change and release all of her money.
Her health isn't great and after death he estate will no longer be his to do as he pleases.
Unless of course he bullies you into allowing him to carry on as before.

You guys have sacrificed a lot having an extra person living with you. Your dc's I assume didn't have nanny paying for their education.
Your brother has sacrificed nothing. Instead he has gained a lot more in both monetary and mentally. His family have sacrificed nothing and instead had the best of everything.

Report his arse to every single body on this thread.

Take back power and stop letting this bully walk over you, your family and your mum.

You say she would still pay.. But really, can you say this if she was aware that she was suffering and she had a choice of funding school fees or paying her medical needs. If there was no guilt tripping and coercion it would be her own health.

[fridayfreedom]

Once your mother lost the capacity to make decisions about her finances your brother lost the ability to make decisions about her money even if she had agreed to these before. Without a POA he is acting illegally managing her money in this way.
he is also spending money which should be spent on her care so SS wont look favourably on this.
With my professional hat on I would refer to safeguarding at SS,

[itdoesnthavetobethisway]

Will contact SS and refer to safeguarding and I will make an appointment with the solicitor.

She really would still pay. She really doesn't feel I have made any sacrifice. She wasn't mothered well herself (her own mum died when she was 2 years) and I have had counselling to detach from how poorly she treats me and how unreasonable her expectations from me have been.

No, my children don't have fees paid. Although DM did say after DN is finished, one of mine should get the proceeds instead. Of course, the whole knickers thing makes me realise who I am dealing with my brother. I would say there is no chance of this being honoured in 2 years. He will be using the money for something else.

His wife is a SAHM and I have asked if she will come in on Monday so DM is not alone. He said no!

[pudcat]

What happens to your Mum's old age pension? Does he keep this as well?

[UsedToBeAPaxmanFan]

OP, I have come to the conclusion that you are a living saint.

If ive understood the whole thread correctly, for the last 10 years your mother has lived with you and your family. During that time she has continued to favour your brother, to the extent of paying his son's school fees but not those of your children.

There has been an agreement in place that she reimburse you for some of her living costs (I'm guessing probably not the whole cost though), but your brother has not actually freed that money up and given it to you.

Your mother now needs more support with personal care than you can give. You can see that having an arranged care package would be in her best interests, but your brother is also refusing to release your mother's money for this.

As I and other posters have said, this is a potential case of abuse (by your brother) of a vulnerable, older person. However much you are worried about the repercussions, you MUST contact social services on Monday and explain the whole situation.

As an accountant, your brother should know that if your mother does not have the capacity to make financial decisions, then he has no right whatsoever to continue to sort out her finances.

Good luck, OP.

[drudgetrudy]

You are being very badly treated by your brother and it sounds as if your Mum has also taken you for granted.
I am not suggesting that you abandon your Mum or dump her on your brother as this would cause her distress but do think about your own boundaries-what you are willing and not willing to do. Anything you don't feel comfortable doing will have to be paid for from your Mum's assets, whether in your home or ultimately in a residential setting.
You could still offer some support-it isn't all or nothing but don't put your own needs totally aside.
There is probably an organisation like Carer's outreach in your area that could give you some emotional support.
You have already done a lot for your Mum and it sounds as if your brother has done very little.

[itdoesnthavetobethisway]

Yes, she has a state pension and I think a v small private pension. Yes, it all goes into the same account.

[drudgetrudy]

I am starting to feel furious with him on your behalf. When her Attendance Allowance comes through have it paid into a separate account.
I am glad you are going to Social Services and solicitor.

[itdoesnthavetobethisway]

The thing about the school fees is that DN is 16 and it was all sorted out before I had even thought about having my own children. I always thought that they wouldn't shaft me too.

[itdoesnthavetobethisway]

Will do trudy. Thank you for all your support.

[AyeAmarok]

You have been shafted OP.

Your brother can cough up for two years school fees, it's hardly a hardship if he's got away with it free for this long!

[oddfodd]

God I am so angry on your behalf OP. Your whole family is financially abusing you

Your brother is behaving disgracefully and incredibly stupidly. He is relying on you continuing to carry the can because he must know that he could be in serious professional trouble if this all comes out but he's relying on ypu being too cowed to do anything. You cannot allow this to continue. Your mother may not have long to go but she may rally and live for several years. (I don't think you said how old she is?)

[SilverBirch2015]

When you fill in the attendance allowance forms you have option to specify for it to be paid into another account, make sure you do this or it will be paid automatically into the same account as her state pension.