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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask if you equate your partner masturbating to cheating?

150 replies

Allisgood1 · 24/05/2015 15:28

Just that really.
I had a friend who caught her dh masturbating to a porn. They went for counseling.
Another friend found out hers masturbated to Game of Thrones. She banned him from watching it and told him he's effectively cheating on her and this is grounds for divorce ??
Am I missing something????

OP posts:
lithewire · 24/05/2015 21:38

Why are people finding the Game of Thrones wanking worrying? It's a HBO show with a LOT of gratuitous nudity, bits jiggling, and sex scenes which one could say (with a cynical hat on of courseWink) were intended for that kind of titillation. Unless he's fapping away to the Red Wedding, I wouldn't be in the least concerned.

LotusLight · 24/05/2015 21:43

Wow, I sometimes think I live in a parallel universe. I would not date a man who didn't masturbate or who had a problem with my doing so. It would mean he was not sexual enough and not worth having if he didn't masturbate.

sykadelic · 24/05/2015 21:55

I'd say that in both those cases the sex life is probably lacking and that's why the wives were upset... that the men are doing self gratification rather than involving them, which is understandable.

I could also understand how it would feel like cheating if he was pleasing himself to something/someone else and not me (again the whole frustrated thing).

I don't believe it's cheating, but when it's chosen over your partner then there's a problem... that is if you choose something/someone else every time that is... sometimes you just want the release and no fuss so once in a while wouldn't be an issue.

SerJorahsSecondChoice · 24/05/2015 22:01

lithewire The Red Wedding would certainly be a challenging wank.

Oldraver · 24/05/2015 22:04

Absolutely not. And I'm sure my OH doesn't think I'm cheating on him when he's on nights and I want to get to sleep

mrsleomcgary · 24/05/2015 22:18

I only find the GOT wanking weird because i think it's a load of rubbish. Though I admit if I found out he was wanking off the The Walking Dead for example,that would worry me a lot more!

Gabilan · 24/05/2015 22:27

"it's disrespectful if you don't make sure the other person won't see you"

Is it? What if you want them to join you?

Porn I have a problem with. Wanking on the other hand. Meh. Go for it.

Though I am reminded of the episode of Friends in which Monica is worried that Chandler likes shark documentaries a bit too much.

Glittermud · 24/05/2015 22:44

Oh my fucking GOD.

THIS makes me angry. People have a right to a private fantasy life. Women wank too. Why do we always have to demonise male sexuality as though we are somehow above such base desires. FFS. Someone talked about men needing a 'Release' like they're barely functioning humans.

iWantToBeAlone · 24/05/2015 23:06

I don't like to think of dp doing it but I do it myself and of course I don't consider it cheating.

Lolipoplady · 24/05/2015 23:09

I think there is a massive difference between masturbating, and masturbating to porn. First one I have no problems with whatsoever, porn however is a dealbreaker for me so I would react very strongly if I caught my DP masturbating to porn.

It does bother me that often these days people equate masturbation with porn. They are two different things.

The GoT thing is a bit of a curve ball Grin I guess it is pretty explicit in parts though so serving the same purpose as porn for the man in question?

TheNewStatesman · 25/05/2015 02:25

LOL at all the "porn would be a deal breaker" people. I really hope you never come across your DHs' secret stashes that they almost certainly have.

Athenaviolet · 25/05/2015 02:30

Nrft but masturbating and 'using' porn are not synonymous.

Of course masturbation is healthy and normal, in a relationship or not.

Porn is an industry built on the abuse of vulnerable women. It's a red line issue for me.

whitecandles · 25/05/2015 02:33

I really do not like porn, but I am realistic. Yet to meet a man who doesn't use it and would really like to know where mn'ers find these husbands who are disgusted by it.

Not a deal breaker for me. I don't like sweatshops either, but still buy stuff manufactured in them. People aren't perfect.

MistressMerryWeather · 25/05/2015 03:06

Is it really so unheard of to some people that men - like women - actually have certain sexual fantasy preferences, some of which amazingly don't involve wanking to porn?

Talk about stereotyping.

Yes there are some men out there that find porn disgusting, those who disagree are probably the same people to call them gay if the don't like it.

Every single man has a porn stash, right? What a load of crap.

whitecandles · 25/05/2015 03:12

I don't call anyone gay as an insult. Just never met a guy who doesn't watch porn.

Maybe you've had a different experience, doesn't mean you should insult me.

MistressMerryWeather · 25/05/2015 03:20

I was referring more to TheNewStatesman post.

No insult aimed in your direction, there is a whole thread to reply too.

TheNewStatesman · 25/05/2015 03:30

OK, maybe I was being a bit crude/generalizing there. But I would maintain that the majority of men look at porn in some shape or form, at least occasionally.

As Whitecandles says, there are ethical issues around porn, but that is also true of a lot of the manufactured goods that we buy.

MistressMerryWeather · 25/05/2015 03:43

Manufactured goods are always brought up in threads regarding porn use.

Always to deflect the subject at hand or minimise a problem that someone is having with their partner.

Do you own a designer handbag, Iphone, shop at primark? Yes? Then you are just as bad!

It never helps anyone.

Sallystyle · 25/05/2015 10:48

I wondered how long it would take before someone would tell 'me' that my husband has a secret stash of porn or he is a liar Grin

It is really small minded to think that all men are porn watchers. The majority may well be but just because my husband has a penis doesn't mean he has to do everything that a lot of men with a penis do.

I also married someone who would never lie about a part of his sexual preferences to keep me quiet. If he was into porn and knew it was a deal breaker for me he just wouldn't have married me or dated me as this was talked about pretty early on.

whitecandles · 25/05/2015 12:01

Mistress, I've no interest in deflecting anything. I'm just a realist.

'It never helps anyone' - who is it meant to be helping? I just get sick of holier than thou attitudes from people who are also part of cycles of abuse.

MistressMerryWeather · 25/05/2015 18:36

Who is it meant to be helping

Normally the poster asking for advice on their relationship.

Sorry but it is deflecting at it's best.

bigbumtheory · 25/05/2015 19:20

Friend 1: depends on the porn and if it was just a 'symptom' of their marrige problems or something he was addicted too.

Friend 2: If that's her only issue (and it wasn't wanking during the Theon flaying or rape scenes)- It's not grounds for divorce, having a wank would not constitute cheating at all. If she's heavily pregnant then maybe she can't have/doesn't want sex and she misses intimacy with her husband so it really upsets her and sees it as more of a loss of intimacy?

newdawning · 25/05/2015 19:42

I don't have an issue in the slightest why would I its nothing to do with me.My dh doesn't do it often but certainly if I am away he would.
I perhaps may be upset/annoyed if our sex life was wanning and I wanted more and dh was to busy wanking. So I would suggest there is more to it then they have told you?
Both my DH and I have watched it in the past when we were younger but not for years now. It's not because of an ethical issue just not something either of us indulge in anymore I would be extremely suprised to find his 'stash' it's not banned so no need to to hide it from me.

Slarti · 25/05/2015 19:43

The Red Wedding would certainly be a challenging wank.

Challenging, yes. Impossible, no.

pocketsaviour · 25/05/2015 20:06

Masturbating without porn is dull as fuck (har!) - there's plenty of ethical porn out there to choose from. But even if I don't particularly approve of a partner's favoured wank fodder, I am not the keeper of their sexual conscience.

I would only ever get upset with a partner wanking if he (repeatedly) was turning down sex with me.